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User Topic: MC--how long should it go
JaneDeaux
Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

I'm a BS whose WH gas quite the track record of PA/EA. After the last DDay, we returned to MC. Been there weekly for about a month. We still live in same house although separate rooms. My question/problem is I don't think this is helping one iota. We are still at the "I cheated because she never made me feel important or No..1" or whatever offense he claims happened stage. I say at least once each session that I accept responsibility for part of our marital issues but refuse to accept any role in his cheating decisions. Is there a stage at which this gets better?


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014
MoonLitSmile
Member
Member # 24746
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

I don't know how long counseling lasts but I know it won't help unless your WH is willing to accept it. FWH and I are preparing to start MC very soon and he is very open to it. If he wasn't, I don't think I would even bother. (((JaneDeaux)))


Me- 40
FWH- 40 recovering SA

Her- 43, a self-centered bitch concerned with no one but herself

DDay- July 13, 2013

Back off man- I'm a scientist!
~ Dr. Peter Venkman


Posts: 720 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Southeastern PA
Ivyivy
Member
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

I have a similar situation to yours - same house, separate rooms. I find myself saying the same thing that you say about the A and prior marital issues - but the WH focuses on the marital issues - so we go nowhere. He tells me that I ignore him and am not supportive. I have stopped going to MC (the MC was also his IC so there was a very specific direction MC was pushing). We may try MC with another counselor (not sure). At this point I am in a state of limbo and I am not sure if it is something I will come out of or if I am just waiting for WH to finally just leave. So all I can say is that you are not alone.


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

You may need to try several counselors out. Our first MC was a really good guy and had some nice things to say and all but frankly it wasn't getting the job done.

We switched counselors and the new one is so much better. She makes us participate by giving homework etc.etc...

I'm by no means saying we're cured but we are making some headway now that we are using her.

You may try going to a few different ones to see if y'all can get a better fit.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 551 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

"I cheated because she never made me feel important or No..

This isn't for MC to fix. He needs to be in IC. When he pulls his head out of his ass and commits to real R you can go back to MC. MC with an unremorseful spouse is a waste of time and money and can cause more damage.

With his history he's going to be in IC for a very long time as it's unlikely he'll be willing to do the hard work right away. If he's a rugsweeper IC lasts a long time.

My WH just went back to weekly IC (after being monthly for years) after finally admitting he wasn't really putting much effort into R. We are 4 years out from dday.

Cancel the next appointment and sign him up for weekly IC.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 716 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
NowIwideopen
New Member
Member # 42718
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

My first mc was awesome. He called my husband out & even told him he is lucky I don' t leave. No excuse for cheating ever. Credit him for saving my marriage. Never blamed me. Mc got sick & had to stop practicing. New person is a women and more sympathetic to my spouse but still never accepts He cheated because etc. I realize my husband lied to counselor in beginning. Remember their whole life has been a lie for the entire affair. They do not know fact from fiction. I never accept any blame for any part. My spouse was very open to mc also but still lied about many things. The lying hurts almost more then the sex. Who is this man.


BS - 61
WH - 67
Married 18 years
6 grown children between us
Her - 3 yr affair w Asian massage girl barely speaks English only has affairs with committed or married men. Scams all of them.
We are in R Who is this man?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
NowIwideopen
New Member
Member # 42718
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

My first mc was awesome. He called my husband out & even told him he is lucky I don' t leave. No excuse for cheating ever. Credit him for saving my marriage. Never blamed me. Mc got sick & had to stop practicing. New person is a women and more sympathetic to my spouse but still never accepts He cheated because etc. I realize my husband lied to counselor in beginning. Remember their whole life has been a lie for the entire affair. They do not know fact from fiction. I never accept any blame for any part. My spouse was very open to mc also but still lied about many things. The lying hurts almost more then the sex. Who is this man.


BS - 61
WH - 67
Married 18 years
6 grown children between us
Her - 3 yr affair w Asian massage girl barely speaks English only has affairs with committed or married men. Scams all of them.
We are in R Who is this man?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
JaneDeaux
Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Well then it's over. He won't go because he doesn't want this on his insurance. That's why he won't treat his underlying depression or any other psychological issues. And why exactly am I interested in staying with this person?


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Then it sounds like you know where you stand now. If this was the case MC was doomed from the start.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 716 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 9