User Topic: Separated last night
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

I am so sad. I don't understand why I am so unloved. I have tried to be a good wife. I love my WH so much, and he just doesn't love me. I can't make someone love me. I'm just crushed.

I left and went to my friends house. I'm trying to find a place to rent that will accept a bunch of kids and 2 dogs. I can't afford to keep our big house. I think he would like for me to just give him the kids and move far far away. Maybe I should? It would be easier financially. But I would miss the kids too much.

I just don't understand how a person can be married for 22 years and not be in love? How does that even happen?

Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 109 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, March 9th (Sunday)


I'm so sorry. I am in the same situation. Married 22 years, 3 great kids. I thought we were in it for the long haul.

You MUST understand that this is not about YOU. It's about him and his inability to do the right thing. (Honesty, perseverance, counseling, and so on). HE is broken. Not you.

NO. You should not hand over your children to this cheating liar and walk away. NO.

Breathe. You are going to be ok. 9 months ago when people said that to me I couldn't envision it. I'm starting to see it now. We told out kids Friday night. It was awful. I repeated to them over and over - WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE OK.

YOU are going to make sure that you and your kids are ok while your WH twists in the wind.

It's going to be ok. It is.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, March 9th (Sunday)


I'm sure someone will be along with better words than I have. One thing I have learned from my own mess is that IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU! This is entirely him, and his fault. YOU are loved, and lovable. One person just changed the rules of the game. You're going to be ok, too.

Don't give up, and you've come to the right place to find support.

"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Member # 32299
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

Hold on tight to your kids. They are the only ones in your life that have a pure love for you, and you for them! My ex took my kids and it's been sheer hell living without them.

You and your kids deserve better. You will come through this, it will take lots of time, but you will see that you deserve a faithful, honest partner. You are in shock and need to focus on eating, trying to sleep and see your doctor for something for your nerves in the short run.

WH 50's
BW 50's
DDay July 2009
3 year EA/PA
2 kids at home

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 9th (Sunday)


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25697 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

My ex wanted that too. Me to move out and he keep the house and the kids. It's part of the fantasy.
I told him where he could shove that idea.

I've got the house and the kids and child support to keep the roof over our heads for now. Once they graduate, things will have to change, but not yet.

Go home, and lawyer up. He wants this, tell him to move out.

Posts: 273 | Registered: Feb 2011
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

when do you stop crying nonstop? I cried myself to sleep, and now I haven't stopped all day. How long does it take to start feeling better, or detach?

Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 109 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

You will stop crying. You will stop feeling awful. But it will take time. Meanwhile cling on to those kids. Hold tight to your friends. Sleep and drink water. This will pass. It did for me. xxx

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

You are not unloveable. You are a good wife. You are a good person. His actions are not a reflection of you.

Please please please do not make any decisions right now. You are so raw. Who is taking care of the kids now? Are they with you at your friends house? What are their ages?

Please go see your doctor. He/she may prescribe something that will help so that you can make rational decisions. Sleep when you can. Drink water/smoothies/ensure. Eat when you can but make sure you are hydrated and nourished. Rely on help from family and friends.

Trust what I am saying here ~ it does get better. I know right now you don't believe it but we all have been through this hell and will tell you that it takes time and work but it does get better.

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2268 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I was in "lying on the bedroom floor" mode for about two months. It was a long time.

Now, I cry a little bit each day at some point. It passes quickly though for the most part.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 17th (Monday)

I'm sorry toy ate going through this. I cried almost every day of my separation before he moved back because he lost his job. I was stupid& thought we were going to try to R when he moved back.
He acted like my face, but I was watching the phone records & he was in a LOT of contact with the OW.

I confronted within a week of him being here. Sadly he hasn't bothered to apologize & isn't sorry.
I've cried less since Dday. Maybe in still in shock?

As for the daily crying during the separation? It went from not being able to walk through the grocery store without bawling, to only crying in bed just before sleep/in the shower.

I guess that's "better".
Basically, it'll happen when it happens. Don't rush it.. but try to pull yourself together sometimes too.
if you have friends & family now is the time to ask for their support.

Unremorseful WH-48
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Hugs to you. The beginning is so hard...

"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)


You'd have an easier time trying to understand quantum physics than the machinations of a ____(censoring my self)____. Don't try to understand it. I tried for so long to understand it and it just caused more pain.

The sky is blue. There are reasons. Do I need to know the reasons to believe its blue?

Would you really WANT to understand something so awful and inhuman as someone unloving their loyal partner of 22 years? Not me. F that guy.

Just because he doesn't love you doesn't mean you are unloveable.

In my situation I started "planning" and "what iffing" right away too. I shouldn't have bothered. It was a colossal waste of time. I should have spent the time on working through my feelings and getting strong for when I WAS ready to take real action - i.e. getting counseling and getting lawyered up. THEN the planning can begin.

You can keep a log of questions to ask when that day comes but don't try and create new scenarios in your head until you know facts. I wasted a lot of time and energy doing JUST that.

NONE of it is the way things are/will be.

Go home. Tell him to leave. (can't hurt to try, I'm stuck with mine, can't make him leave just yet) If you really REALLY need him to be gone there are some states where you can make that happen via your lawyer.

Why should you have to go through the rest of your life missing your children? Let him miss them. This is his doing. But maybe it won't even have to come to that.

Take 1 step at a time instead of imaginging worst case or making drastic plans. Please save yourself the agony of what I did to myself.

Hugs to you. You WILL be ok. You won't ever be the same but you can be even better later. I'm just starting to catch glimpses of that for myself.

Love your kids. Love your dogs. Let them love you. It is SO healing. Focus on that.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 13