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New Beginnings
User Topic: Can I just say...online dating
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)

Sucks. I hate it. Ugh. Wish Mr. Perfect would just show up at my door.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5416 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)

Right with you, sista.

If I find one that has a brother, we'll be set.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7537 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)

He won't show up at your door. But as another NB member can tell you he will smile at you in the grocery store check out line. He will be at that party you did not want to go to because the friends who invited you are a couple. You will keep running into him in different places around town.

Or as in my case (still a new adventure) you will go out dancing with friends and be introduced to a friend of a friend.

The OLD scene was not for me. Yuck.

But I realized that sitting alone in my bedroom is not going to give me an opportunity to meet anybody.

Damn I sound way too cheery...Sorry.

But you are so right! On line dating sucks for the most part.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Mar 2004
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)

look in the mirror and find Ms Perfect ~You are there~
Any guy is just icing on your cake but you can do without!

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jun 2012
MyVoice
Member
Member # 35695
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)

I met the guy I'm with online and we were just talking about it last night, he said how he hated OLD and I said it was fun.

My vibe for every date/meetup was 'I'm meeting a new 'person', no expectations, just the view of extending myself socially with the possibility of adventure and newness. I wasn't looking for anything, just enjoying the experiences, therefore when I found nothing I didn't get upset.

One of the most important things and at times the hardest is not to take anything personally, you don't know them and they don't know you.

I agree with PhoenixRisen Any guy is just icing on your cake but you can do without!

[This message edited by MyVoice at 9:22 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)]


Me:BW 46, Him:WH 50
two kids DD14 and DS17
Married 26 years
OW 28, crew member (he was the ships captain)
"People are formed by their actions, not their ideals" unknown

Posts: 470 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Australia
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)

I know Myvoice. I'm not upset. I'm just...frustrated. I get very few messages that are more than "hi!" and most that I do get the gentlemen are waaayyy too old. I'm not looking to be someone's nursemaid.

And yes, I agree. I can do without. Heck, there are times I think that I really don't want to share my bed again! I *like* my space! Of course, there are the other times, that I just wish I had *someone* to spend time with, to share things with.

I'm fine either way, I just don't know why I bothered to sign up to OLD again. Figured I would peek again. Kinda wishing I didn't bother.

Had coffee with a gent tonight. He is nice, but he's not for me.

I'll give it a few weeks, then delete again. Not willing to settle, if I do get into another relationship in this lifetime, it's going to be someone that curls my toes. I just wish he would find me.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5416 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
dignityintact
Member
Member # 32558
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)

I've been the biggest hater of OLD….until last week

I have been trying on and off to connect with someone for a year now. I go out too, I'm not a wallflower, but I never meet people in the real world. I do not have a list of who/what I want, just a nice guy to go out with who ultimately makes me happy - not asking for much!

I've had my fair share of crap dates too - I had a stalker! and was even used by a guy
Then last week, out of the blue, I contact a guy on Match - he lives local to me, and we met for coffee - instant hit! We've seen each other on and off over the week - I have no preconceptions - it may fizzle out? who knows - after my XWH affair, like the rest of you, we know nothing lasts forever. What I do know is I am a strong woman, and I can cope with most of what life throws at me…

My advice - weed out the weirdos, but hang in there…..you just never know - take it all with a pinch of salt. It's always a great conversation laugh - who has had the worst dates


"Sometimes on the way to the dream, you get a lost and find a better one"

Divorcing - at last!


Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Uk
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)

and was even used by a guy

I am sorry this happened to you. Users just suck.

I am learning to look for and sense these type of losers.

I can smell bulls*#t before I see it


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 586 | Registered: Mar 2003
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)

I thoroughly enjoyed OLD while I was there. Keep in mind I was very selective on who I would contact - no shotgun approach for me. Zero bad experiences and made a few good friends.

Don't give up on it. Patience really is a virtue.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9176 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
strawblond30
Member
Member # 6263
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)

My ex went on line before he moved out and I think there are so many cheaters online. He is slimy and played women over and over makes me fear online dating.


Me 39, EX H 40 married 17 years infidelity on both parts . He a serial cheater. I cheated for revenge and ran home to brag. Or make Him mad. He confessed to more affairs after that. We are now divorced living apart . 3 children

Posts: 951 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: illinois
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

I've been online dating a very long time...and I've struggle with not having a bad attitude about it at times too. I've gone to first dates with a "it's just a drink" attitude and have enjoyed some good conversations even with people I didn't end up having a connection with. I think the rejection when I like someone is the worst part...but one gets used to that too and I've tried to use that lesson for a good cause by being really kind when I reject someone.

Have to say though, having a good first date last night helps change my online dating sucks attitude, at least for today...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3081 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

I'll have to meet men the old-fashioned way. After all the years of abuse I'll never develop thick enough skin to handle OLD. Plus, my ex was all over OLD even before DDay, and now he's everywhere OLD. It's not safe for me in any way.

But I'm not looking yet.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9494 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

I'll throw another "feel good" story into the ring for OLD, just so you don't lose hope!

Looked online, only picked one to email and corresponded at length through writing. He passed the test.

We dated for one year and then he freaked out on me because I couldn't say I wanted to get married. He's recently back in my life with a much more chill attitude.

My point being...he is normal, he is sweet, he cherishes me, he supports me, I'm attracted to him, we have the same values, we're at the same stage in life....yada yada.

IT CAN HAPPEN!! Don't give up.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

I really think it's all in your attitude about it. When I find myself dreading going on a date, I take my profile down for a few weeks or months.

I've met over 30 guys and have had a ton of funny experiences -- and even a few fun experiences :)

Haven't met the one yet, but am in the very beginning stages of a new relationship right now. I never would have met him, if it weren't for OLD.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3312 | Registered: Dec 2011
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

I hear you all. I know, attitude is a lot of it. BUT...I've been off for over a year now(could be longer...I can't remember when I was last on...I haven't had a date in 2 years) so, i just signed up again. Yes, it's one of the free ones. I've tried Match and Eharmony in the past. I swear, I would have a great attitude...if there was ANYONE that caught my fancy. I mean, I know I'm 46, no, I don't look twenty, but I can't find any guys on any site that are in my age range that don't look as old as my dad, or if their pic even has me slightly intrigued, I read their profile and they SUCK. Full of all the stuff we list on here that we don't want to see in profiles.

I signed back up this week optimistic, and I know it's only been days....but I'm not thrilled with the choices at all. I'll leave it up for a few weeks to see what happens, but I can see me taking it back down again and saying screw it. I'll either meet someone the old fashioned way, or I won't.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5416 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, March 13th (Thursday)

OLD would scare the crap out of me.

My stbxwh is on a couple of dating sites already, dday #2 was Dec 20th 2013, and there he is looking for his next victim.

His profile states that honesty and compassion are what he truly values.

It was truly creepy to read that. I looked because I was getting constant emails from dating sites, along with the "grow your manhood", spam that I always got. Now I know why!

He is so predictable that I logged on to the site and guessed his password the first try.

He was texting this poor woman as he simultaneously emailed his sorrow and love and remorse to me. I wanted to call her and warn her!

Just please be careful. Just not sure how you can do that.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1310 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, March 13th (Thursday)

It was about 6 months of online dating before I met my SO. During that time I met a handful of guys. Some that I liked more than others. One that I met in real life and went on a few dates with.

Interestingly enough, I was the only person my SO met online. He had signed up a few days prior to me messaging him. Only cuz a friend of his was getting dates from online and if he could, then SO could too!

Point is, you just never know. I wouldn't give up on it, but maybe cut back on it. If it's a free site, why not just check in every week or so to see if anything's changed? It helps to update your profile every so often anyway.

ETA: I was online dating far more than 6 months. That was just the last bit of time before I met someone and wanted to take my profile down.

[This message edited by little turtle at 10:07 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4143 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 13th (Thursday)

I was on/off for 2 years before I finally met a good match for me. I met nice guys, don't get me wrong, but I learned to "fine tune" my picker, and if they guy gave me a creepy vibe, or something felt "off" before meeting him, I learned to cancel the date and move on.

I also learned to have no expectations when chatting with someone, move into dates quickly with the ones I was interested in, and cut loose the people that I didn't feel a "click" with.

Overall, in 2 years, I think I went on a total of about 10 dates. About 1/2 had 2 or 3 dates. One turned into a short-lived relationship, and current guy is the only one I dare say I've been in a relationship with.

We talked last night about his perception of OLD, and he was candid about "looks", that he is always drawn in to a girl with a great smile and attractive. He looked for the same things we all do…was her life a mess? Was there messiness in the photos? Intelligent? But, at the same time, he needs to feel a physical attraction to her. If all her photos are blurry, not going to "risk it". He is also candid about how a woman carries herself, is "girly" and well pulled together. He looks for that in the photos, and especially bright, kind smiles.

I contacted New Guy first. First, yes, I thought he was cute, but reading his profile I could tell there was "more to him" and that is what drew me in. I don't have a recognizable photo on the free dating sites and I knew guys wouldn't contact me. I contacted him, when he responded, I sent photos. He quickly asked for a date, and it was the best first date I'd had, and it has been easy since then.

This did not happen quickly. I became frustrated at times. I took long breaks if I felt frustrated. I had at least one guy that I would have dated more, but he wasn't interested. It is, unfortunately, a process.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Hoops
Member
Member # 22721
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, March 13th (Thursday)

Just to add another positive story to this thread....

I got married to someone from OLD and so did my uncle (they met at the ages of 60 and 55) and we both have really great relationships.

It wasn't an easy process, I know I took time off when it got to be too much, but as others have suggested I updated my profile and was picky about who I contacted. When I finally met my husband I had just returned again for another go-around after someone I had met IRL through a friend that had really been a pretty destructive relationship for me. When I went back the last time I had a whole different outlook, and I am sure that was what helped me. I was just going to "practice" dating, not take it too seriously, just have a good time and figure out what I had to do to be sucessful. I know I took it all WAY too seriously and was really let down when something didn't work out previously. I was trying to accept people who really were not acceptable in our compatibility or treatment in a couple of cases. After a few monthsh I realized what I great guy I had met and because I wasn't taking it as seriously (ie. jumping in way too fast) I was able to be myself and just have a good time.

So it can happen, but I do believe it is a numbers game, and about where we ourselves are. I did a lot of work on figuring out what a healthy relationship might look like so I could do my part.

Glad I tried it, you just never know!!!

It does take a thick skin and a particular attitude


BW (Me) 44
W(ex)H 46 .... SA, Alcoholic, compulsive liar
DD 12-03-08
Divorced: 9-14-10
Now: Happily married to a great guy who has the same birthday as my DD! Ironic. Now it is just my husband's birthday.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Va
Topic Posts: 19