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User Topic: Barged into house again! 180...
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

Barged in again this morning.
Storms into the house and I come downstairs with "what are you doing here?"
In front of the kids "I can come to my house that I pay for whenever I want."
Guess my $75000 year salary counts for nothing...
Him: "I needed to get some stuff and I want to talk about the schedule for the next 2 weeks (that I had already sent him for approval/ammendments)"
Me: "you can text it to me please." And I head upstairs away from him.
Him: shouting "nope- I don't have time for that. We're going to talk about it now."
Following me up the stairs, he passes our 5 year old who says "Daddy, are you going to live at Uncles's house forever?"

Ok- rewind. 3 weeks ago when he moved out, he didn't want to tell the kids this was permanent. We decided to tell them Mom and Dad were taking a time out to not fight so much. They asked lots of questions about "how long" and we said honestly we didn't know. We said it might end up that Mom and Dad might live in different houses and the boys would each have their own room and stuff at each house. (Trying to play up the positives).

So- now going on 4th week and the boys have started to express "I hope Dad comes home soon, etc..."

So, my ds (5) asks him this while he is in his rage stomping around the house "Daddy- are you going to live at Uncles forever?"
He flippantly while storming by him spits "yes!..."
Fucccccck! My heart broke for my poor kiddo.
Then he says "I don't know..." And walks away from him to follow me upstairs. I was totally stunned. We talked briefly about the schedule with me being calm just to get him the hell out of the house.
As he was leaving he said "I do not understand why you've all of a sudden turned into such a bitch." Alluding to my 180 behaviour. Kids were upstairs at that point.

Then he left and I talked to both boys about their feelings what he had said about living away forever.

How do you express concern about how your WH is treating your kids without breeching 180?
I sent him this text. I know- it's tooooo wordy and it's already gone. So just help me get better at this. The first part is calmly refuting his stupid claim I'm keeping his kids from him when he wanted to show up and see them 15 mins before we were due to go out the door to do something.
The point of the 180 is to just be calm, positive, right? I suck at this. I'm trying to stand up for my kids and myself in a strong yet neutral way...
------------------------------------------------
WH
I have never and would never keep your kids from you because it would only hurt THEM. But our lives go on and for the most part you can see them whenever you want- but we had plans. I have happily ammended the schedule to accommodate you seeing them more- so I'm not keeping them from you. Period.

I would appreciate it if you would be more sensitive to what you say to the kids about our current situation. The boys actually talk to me quite a bit about their concerns because I make an effort to sit alone with each of them once a day or so and ask how they are feeling about the Mom/dad situation. Sometimes it's fine and nothing is said. Ds1 and Ds2 BOTH said last night "I hope Dad doesn't live at Uncle's forever..." I asked Ds1 if he was missing you or wanted to see you more. "It's not that, I just miss living with both my parents."

I'm certainly NOT telling you this to pressure you or get any kind of response about what will happen to us in the future- in fact I didn't plan on telling you at all.

But when you storm in here and your sweet child asks you that question and you spit out "yes" first and then "I don't know" without stopping for one second to TALK to him about his question...you are thinking only of yourself and not of them. I know this is hard and you have a lot of anger about...everything. Do not neglect your kids emotions in all this. I do get them at night and in the morning and I'm lucky to. Ds2 has had an increase in nightmares. And stomach-aches. Ds1 seems pretty far away at times. They will get through this- but they need absolute sensitivity from both parents.

When you storm in here to "get stuff" and go over the schedule with me in the mood you were in- they can sense your tension and anger. And then the tension it brings out in me. This was part of the point of this separation - to not subject them to this anymore. You are welcome to come to your home whenever you want. Please give me a courteous heads up before you barge in and do not come in so angry again. Civil. Please.

And as for my change of tone...it's not that I stopped caring, Wh. But you've made it very clear that I have to move forward. So that's all I'm trying to do. The pain you are causing me necessitates me detaching from you and making myself ready to move on to a better future with or without you.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Leia
Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

The only advice I have is to change the locks. Hugs. It is no fun to have an STBX in your house. Well played. But I don't think he "gets it" or will "get it" about your kids' emotions. My STBXWH has no clue what he is doing to the kids. Hugs and hope this gets resolved so that you don't need to have him invading your space anymore.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

((Klove)). Him coming and going as he pleases is a form of control. He absolutely needs to stop doing that.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7563 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

We both still own the house and have not seen lawyers yet. In canada some websites I have read say I cannot change locks on the house. I can apply to exclusive use, but I haven't seen a lawyer yet.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

But is my message to him too emotional? Not 180 enough?
I also just want it on record that I calmly defended my kids.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

Can you get a free consultation with a lawyer. It would help trememdously if you knew exactly what your position is legally. Knowledge is power.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2651 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImEnoughForMe
Member
Member # 41869
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

I think your message was very clear and to the point. You kept it on topic. Not too wordy at all. Very civil.

I don't have too much experience with this as I'm new to what you are going through as well so I'm interested in seeing if this works for you.

They don't stop and think about the kids and that's what makes it harder for us.

((Hugs))


Do the best you can do until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. - Maya Angelou

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2014
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

I have my lawyer appt on April 9th. I had one set for 3 weeks ago- but he begged me to postpone it because he was unsure of what he wanted to do. And because I was hoping to reconcile, I agreed.
How much things change in 3 short weeks.
I may be able to move it up- I was just hoping to avoid dropping $375+ an hour if he was going to come back. With a huge list of conditions from me.

I just do not understand why he is so ANGRY! Isn't this what he wanted? A week ago he said "I need you to stop texting me and chasing me and trying to track down where I am all the time. We are separated. When you text me you miss me and love me, I can't think this through. You are suffocating me. Please stop."
So- that is when I started 180 and he'a pissed! Wtf????



"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
standingonmarble
Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

instead of changing the locks can you add some in addition to the ones you already have?

Gotta love the loophole.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

Can someone help me understand why he's so madddddd?
I mean- hard to understand crazy. But what's up with this? Isn't this what he wants?


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

He's mad because he is losing control of you. It was so much easier when you were begging him to reconcile or when you were still unaware of the affair.

He feels off kilter, so he's lashing out.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7563 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

You're 'not supposed to' change the locks. I did. Nothing bad happened even though she was/is a crazy person.

The idea of adding locks is a good one - as others have said, it's a usable loophole.

As to why he's angry - he's not in control any more. Sucks to be him.

Take care of you and your kids. He can take care of himself. If he gets crazier, go for a protection order.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
badd
Member
Member # 23468
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

Your email was perfect, not emotional, to the point, made some boundaries for you and the children, put the reasons for the boundaries (including 180) where they belong, at his feet. Lose a Key, change the locks, put in double locks, and keep on forgetting to give him a key to the deadbolts. He can have a key to the knobs you made him proactively, but the deadbolts you "added as an afterthought" forget to make until a judge makes you do it. Good luck.

Posts: 130 | Registered: Apr 2009
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

This is sadly very typical, they get what they want yet they still want you weeping and crying and begging them for things. Backwards thinking but there you go. He wants you to miss him and be chasing him. Attention attention. Then he can put you down and put you in your place and tell you how rotten you are. He is being a bully.

Mine was furious after he moved out, the anger and rage was weird and sometimes scary. But I kept applying the 180 and NC, keep working on it. You will get better at it.

Keep saying "I will NOT be disrespected" "You got what you wanted when you moved out" "I will only talk about kids and finances" or always a classic when he spouts crap at you, calmly say "I am sorry you feel that way".

The trick is to keep things short and away from discussing feelings. Think of it like a business transaction only, like you are talking to a complete stranger.

After about a month, even though I was sad I found I was actually starting to feel better and stronger. And the kids noticed very much how the dysfunction was out of the house, it felt more calm when my then WS was not around. Thats what your kids need is to see one stable parent at the moment. Kids figure things out pretty quickly.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
one2ndchance
Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

He's mad because you've taken away his cake. He no longer has you groveling after him. He asked you to stop texting him how much you missed him because it made him feel guilty, but it still fed his ego when you did that.

I would move up your lawyer's appt. The way he's behaved this weekend is awful and will probably escalate since you are no longer feeding his ego.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

Ok, yes you are emotional. Who wouldnt be?

You email was too wordy and gives him too much power... So now you really do need to see a lawyer and have some legal boundaries in place. Trust me when I say you do not want him to just barge in whenever he gets a bug up his ass- but that is exactly what he will do.

Get exclusive use of your home and get a parenting plan in writing ASAP. He will continue to jerk you around because he can. The WS that is angry (and boy the doosh was angry) is mad at the loss of control, the loss of what they thought it was going to be...

So now he sees you as being strong and he doesnt like that. Too bad for him! I am still dealing with an angry person - and HE got what he wanted so WTF?? They should be on cloud 9 rigt??

Reality says otherwise, as you are learning. Deep breath, snuggle those babies, and get your stuff on paper. :)


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3555 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

It is absolutely a control. thing, honey. That's why he's mad, that's why he barged into the house without warning, that's why he forced the conversation about schedules...

And honestly? His reaction to your message is not going to be him seeing how wrong he was. He's not going to apologize and turn back into a civil person and a thoughtful and attentive Dad. It's far more likely that he's going to blow a bunch of hot air about how you can't tell him what to do, he doesn't HAVE to give notice to come to HIS house, blah blah blah. And he'll probably even attack your parenting as a bonus. Because that's the flipping script.

Honey - there is no magic combination of words that will make him actually SEE what he's doing or make him change how he's acting. Remember the detach acronym -

Don't
Even
Try
And
Change
Him

((((Klove))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25053 | Registered: Aug 2011
Can Not Believe
New Member
Member # 30508
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

Klove

I would add interior locks to the inside of the house and use them whenever you are home - especially at night and in the mornings.

I would remind him of his own words:

"I need you to stop texting me and chasing me and trying to track down where I am all the time. We are separated. When you text me you miss me and love me, I can't think this through. You are suffocating me. Please stop."

Tell him that you can't just "barge in" on him - and you will exercise YOUR right to have him not just "barge in" on you.

You really need to start the legal process as soon as possible because he sounds like a 'out of control" bully. His behavior will more-than-likely escalate as he loses control of you.

The nicer or more accommodating you try to be will probably backfire on YOU. It will not work.

Get mad. Get PROACTIVE!!

After all - Isn't he showing you how mad he is?

Can Not Believe


I cannot believe this is a part of my life.

Me: BW - 62 FWH - 62 years old
Married: 41+ years 2 sons (34 & 30)
Possible OC: 32 years old/29 at the time
DD: Friday - August 13, 2010
OC refused paternity test
No Contact since June/2011


Posts: 47 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: New Jersey
CheshCat
Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

This is why I own a maglite (d batteries) & SigP226 9m.

My ex breaks in, and he gets broken bones for his troubles. :D
At a minimum. I'm not actually exaggerating. His friends have stopped breaking in because I've clipped a couple of them. Maglites are serious business.

Granted... Your divorce will probably be much more amicable than mine... But there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Either he shapes up & starts respecting you and your space, OR you change the durn locks, file a restraining order, ring the police as needed, and fall back on carbon steel during slow response times.

Meaning this won't last forever.

You do NOT have to put up with this behavior.
It will NOT last forever.

>^..^<


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

Stop asking "why" and answer the other questions. WHAT are you going to do about it? HOW are you going to handle this next time?

I've been dealing with this kind of craziness for over a year. I'm sorry, it hasn't changed for me. I sent him tons of emails and texts voicing my concerns and asking him to think of the children, and it hasn't meant shit. He's mad I'm not the codependent doormat I used to be, but I don't give a shit.

Protect yourself and your kiddos. Get to your lawyer ASAP and keep the local police as a saved contact in your phone. They are there to keep the peace and protect the children. After he continued bashing me in front of the kids, I have NEVER hesitated to call them.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2107 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

I would suggest a schedule. NOT "whenever you want." Two reasons: whenever HE wants does not protect the kids from more episodes like this morning. Also, the kids deserve some stability. They will be able to miss daddy if they know exactly when (and not when) they will be seeing him.

You are separated. It is for the time being, not "his house." He has chosen to live elsewhere. He needs to get the "stuff" he needs and then respect the boundaries of separation. This is the hard tacks of the 180.

He is angry because life is not easy for him right now. He had the married life and the fantasy life and the excitement of driving both of those worlds. Now it has all blown up.

Your WH is being a total ass. Worse, he is showing it in front of the kids and then waltzing out to leave you to deal with the fall out.

I remember feeling like a schedule would hurt me because "whenever he wanted" was so seldom. But the schedule just limits the opportunities for him to "want to see them." Does that make sense? I felt like giving him EOW was worse than what I had without a schedule. But it wasn't. He seldom exercises the full amount of his parenting time. But I have a schedule that I don't have to justify 15 minutes before trying to walk out the door.

If things come up that are during his scheduled time? Then send him an email that says Billy's birthday party is at 2pm on (your Saturday). He will either the children, or he won't or he'll ask you to do it. But you will know, the kids will know and the anxiety response will hopefully drop off.

(((hugs)))

This is such a difficult time and you sound so bewildered with his behavior. You will never likely "understand." Shoot for managing what you can.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5776 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

Please please move up the lawyer appointment. You need to get a court appointed schedule and clarity on the house and financial situation ASAP.

Have you already moved half of the money from the joint account? If not please do so.

He is the enemy now and should not be treated in any other way. Be tactical. Be strategic. Protect yourself.

And maybe get a recorder for when he is in the house so you have a record of what happens. You may end up needing a RO. He is not stable right now and these mantrums are unlikely to improve. Especially once a lawyer is involved.

You may also want to have some friends/family to be with you when you interact. And be firm on the schedule.

I'm so sorry.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

I guess what I'm thinking is I'm afraid of his accusations of "you're keeping my kids from me..."
When I eventually get to my lawyer I'd like to be able to prove how much I offered and how little he took them.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Can Not Believe
New Member
Member # 30508
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

Klove

You are still making excuses. The truth is - in the beginning - just about everyone does.

You are looking for that guy you once knew. For something to "snap" him out of this. You think that "I need to be 'more' accommodating and nice, and then he will be nicer to me - or better yet - realize his mistake and come back.

However - it will NOT happen like that.

You MUST start thinking of you and the kids and what you can tolerate and handle - and what you can't.

You can't handle this.

So - what do you do?

You do what these experienced people are telling you.

You be "PROACTIVE". You STOP giving away your power. Because you DO have power. You just need the strength to start exercising those powers.

You start by putting in those interior locks - for your peace of mind and well-being.

You contact your lawyer and set up a consultation ASAP.

You listen to what the more experienced people tell you to ask for.

You do what you have to do. The truth is - the sooner you burst his bubble - the better chance you MAY have of reconciling.

That won't happen UNLESS and UNTIL you show him YOUR strength.

And you do have strength - BUT - you need help finding it.

We are all trying to help you find it.

Can Not Believe


I cannot believe this is a part of my life.

Me: BW - 62 FWH - 62 years old
Married: 41+ years 2 sons (34 & 30)
Possible OC: 32 years old/29 at the time
DD: Friday - August 13, 2010
OC refused paternity test
No Contact since June/2011


Posts: 47 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: New Jersey
one2ndchance
Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

I guess what I'm thinking is I'm afraid of his accusations of "you're keeping my kids from me..."
When I eventually get to my lawyer I'd like to be able to prove how much I offered and how little he took them.

Afraid of his accusations? There's no reason to be afraid. When you talk with a lawyer, it won't matter. Your husband can say he wanted the kids 24/7 and you wouldn't allow it. You won't be punished for that. You can show proof that you offered him the kids every day and he never took them once. It doesn't matter.

Lawyers deal with what happens in the future. Lawyers help develop an equitable schedule that offers stability and order for the children. Who had them when and for how long in the past doesn't matter. The only reason he MAY be wanting to spend more time with them now is because it will decrease the amount of child support he pays. And that doesn't matter either, because child support will be determined on the court ordered schedule of time you each have the children.

[This message edited by one2ndchance at 5:02 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

Will the court not take into consideration how often I've been the sole person to look after my kids for 7 years while he travelled for work and did whatever he pleased? I have printed off our synced calendars for a year and a half. He has been home, on average 30-40% of the time. I want at least 60% of shared custody- definitely not 50/50. I honestly want to seem agreeable to him because I always told him the kids would be 50/50. I have no intention on keeping that promise.
He makes comments about how he will leave his job so he doesnt have the income to pay me child support and then I'll have to pay HIM. Blah blah blah. But I wouldn't mind lulling him a bit so he had no reason to think I'm going to get more. I assumed the courts would look at past patterns to see how to divide the time. And, I thought, they would be particularly interested in how often he's been taking them since actually moving out?

I do wish he'd snap out if it. I have to admit it. Not sure I could ever take him back, but it would be so nice to have the power to decide.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

I think how much you offer and how little he takes them WILL matter. At least, it has in my case, and douche has EOW now instead of the 50/50 Florida is so well known for.

And this is why you refuse to discuss the schedule with him in person. He could claim you said or promised something, when you didn't. ONLY text and email, preferably email as it is better traced and proven, though I have an app that shows all our text messages. Show the judge you have offered him what's best for the kids, a consistent, stable and reasonable schedule, and he has been ridiculous about it.

It's hard to get to the point of rolling your eyes to his accusations and demands, but you will get there. You lean on the pros, lawyers, counselors, and the police.

I'm sorry he's being such a dick. And I'm sorry he's a pod person you don't recognize anymore. But he is the enemy now, and you need protection. You can absolutely legally put deadbolts on interior locks. Install them immediately and go in a locked room if he comes over again. He doesn't need to say anything face to face. It gives him a chance to manipulate you or claim things happen that didn't. Don't give him that power.

The 180 is great because you can't really break the law or get in trouble for saying nothing. It's what you do say that gets you in trouble. Don't defend yourself to that douche, apologize, try to make him see the light, or try to change him. Focus on laying down your boundaries and enforcing them. NO more face to face with this guy.

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 5:37 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2107 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
one2ndchance
Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

The first time I filed for divorce, WH worked 12-14 hours/day, 6-7 days per week. When I told my L this, he said we had to take into consideration how much time WH was NOW asking for custody. WH wanted 40%. I knew this was NOT going to happen, but I agreed. When it came to implementing the actual schedule, WH kept saying he couldn't take DD because he was busy. I would say,"No problem. I'll have her." After 4 weeks, I had documented that he had cared for her 6 hours out of that period. My L contacted WH lawyer and told him child support was going to reflect the amount of time WH was actually spending with DD.

These are California divorce and custody laws. The history you have as primary caretaker may be factored in, but that is why you need to consult your attorney to find out the laws in your state.

California law will not allow a spouse to quit employment to avoid child support.

I truly understand how hard this is for you, and my heart breaks for your children. They are the innocents in all this and it isn't fair that they see their father yelling at their mother and treating her so poorly. I understand your wish to have him "snap out of it," but you know that this has been going on for so long that the chances of that are pretty slim.

I know you're doing your best and I admire your strength in doing what you think is best for your family. Hugs


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Giddy
New Member
Member # 42703
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

You can add dead licks I was also advised I couldn't change the locks so I just added them this was in the first week - I let him in to talk - hoping for R and while here he took one of the keys to the new dead lock - so again my son inlaws changed them but this time not keys just turn and lock and lock from outside with your key . So be careful to get the right ones - I was more afraid of him coming and taking furniture etc as he moved straight in with her the day he was caught . So if he tries to tell you that you can't add locks you tell him and Everyone you have added them to protect yourself and the kids against breakins etc not because of him!!! If he wants a key refuse as he is not living there and you find it hard to trust etc . It's been 8 months nearly and it's not easy I find any excuse to contact him if I'm being honest with myself - but I am no going to try the 18o - just hope I havnt left it too long and tried to reason etc too much . Good luck

Married - 30 yrs
Kids - 3 - b - 30 - 2 g - 27& 28
Grids - 2 - 10 m - 7 - m
Together - 32 yrs
D/D 31 July 13
Ow - married 3 - 5. Kids - 3 fathers -
Have no idea how long affair was .


Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Australia
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

Yes, too emotional, imo.

This...

And as for my change of tone...it's not that I stopped caring, Wh. But you've made it very clear that I have to move forward. So that's all I'm trying to do. The pain you are causing me necessitates me detaching from you and making myself ready to move on to a better future with or without you.

comes off not so great. If you are 180ing you stop telling him that you care. When I'm reading that I'm reading that you still care and you are only moving forward because he wants you to, but that if he were to change his mind you'd be there, since you still care. You're still allowing yourself to be a back up plan.

180 means you discuss kids and finances. It does not mean you discuss how he parents or does not parent the kids, however. That was all in one ear and right out the other. He's showing you who he is with his actions and nothing you can say is going to change who he is.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

Okay, so now I've read the thread and it confirmed what I expected...

I may be able to move it up- I was just hoping to avoid dropping $375+ an hour if he was going to come back. With a huge list of conditions from me.

Why are you okay with being a back up plan? He is telling you to not text him because he wants his freedom so he can go screw around. He's getting pissed because he wants his cake and eat it too. You are willing to let him do that, why? You deserve better than that! Definitely move that lawyer appointment up, girl!


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

It does not mean you discuss how he parents or does not parent the kids, however.

Excellent point!

I fell into this trap for a long time. It was about the kids so I felt like it was a fair topic. But all statements that involve "I think" and "you should" or "I wish" really must go. In order to break myself of the habit I actually wrote without subjects in the sentences. Just the facts please.

Nothing you say will help. He will just see that you are "nagging him" and be resistant to the information. He will use it to attack you or to passive aggressively do just the opposite to "show you."

It does get easier! You are doing exactly right by trying to figure out how to navigate. You have tons of support here, cheering you on! I know you can do this.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5776 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

I can't BELIEVE he says that about losing his income to make you pay, I mean I believe it, but UGH.

Child support is usually based on income from the past three years so good luck to him on that one. They are truly delusional. Don't buy his threats, there are freaking laws on this stuff for a reason and the courts will follow them!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

Klove: Did you not hear those noises which sounded like someone in your driveway ? Did it not frighten you ? Wouldn't you feel so much better adding dead bolts to the interior of your home ? Of course ! I had all the locks changed because my friends insisted. Their reasoning: "You may think you can trust him but he is no longer the man you knew, AND you have no idea who the bimbo really is or what she's capable of doing. Change the locks ." I did. And so should you. Either change locks or add the dead bolts. Your wh isn't going to change his tune but you MUST change yours or he'll make you crazy.

And his anger? It's because you're no longer playing his game. He likes his game. He gets all the attention when you and everyone else plays his game. NC ! NC will set you free of his crazy. It's hard at first but each day without his drama means NC becomes easier and easier. ((((Klove))))


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, March 17th (Monday)

STBX: She changed the locks on the house!
Judge: Why did she do that?

STBX: I kept barging into the house to scream at her, forcibly removing items from the home, and to terrorize my children!
Judge: Why did you do that?

STBX: I had to. I don't live there anymore, and she stopped inviting me over for free sex and pancakes!
Judge: Oh, you don't live there anymore?

STBX: No, Your Honor. I moved out! We're getting a divorce!
Judge: So you don't live there anymore, you're getting a divorce, meaning it's not your home any longer. She has a right to secure her home. NEXT!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9530 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Ha! Nature Girl!
Free sex is a good one...something I realize in finally speaking out about this POS I've been married to is that our sex life was TOTALLY abnormal wayyyyyyy before OW came on the scene. To the point I was BEGGING for it.
And, um, I'm, um, good at sex. Tmi. And I've been told attractive by all his friends in the fallout of this. "Why would he hook up with this TROLL with such a babe of a wife.
But,like 4 times a year?????
I actually have wondered if he's gay.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, March 17th (Monday)

At this point I might offer some pancakes for sex.
Ha!!!
Kidding.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 37