SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: warning...pretty sad and pathetic thread
JustCali
New Member
Member # 42732
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

There is really no purpose or question to this thread. Just some honest yet scattered revelations I am currently dealing with. First, I am afraid that my husband's affair is really going to fuck me up in the head. Like I need to change who I am and how I think and how I relate with others. And its going to be me allowing that to happen. I trust so few people and allow so few people to really know who I am and what I am about. So when something like this happens, I think I am also angry at myself for lack of character judgement and lack of any intuition into someone who I thought I knew so well. I had felt secure with our relationship (or so I thought) and that it was different. I have to admit that reading so much about infidelity on the internet, is just depressing me more. Its like its hopeless to expect anything else. I see people who talk about how much they actually do love thier spouses and then just totally fuck it up. Some who really are I'm sure good people. I am not trying to pass judgement....I just cant help but wonder if fidelity is futile. Maybe I should change my mindset and get what I need on the side.....sorry but if you cant beat them, should you join them? I think being a BS is the shittiest spot to be in out of them all. Feel free to rip me a new one. You cant break me down much more than I am already.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

((Justcali))

Welcome. It does knock you off kilter. I would rather be a BS than a WS any time, because at least I've been true to myself and my marriage and beliefs.

Focus on yourself and your immediate physical needs ((food, sleep). Just be kind to yourself.

You're not pathetic. The affairs are a game changer in everyone's life. It takes a while to navigate and process what has happened to you.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7409 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

I have to admit that reading so much about infidelity on the internet, is just depressing me more. Its like its hopeless to expect anything else.

I know the feeling
There are just Sooo many of us on here it is depressing .
But to move on we need the support of people who know what we are going through.

Like I need to change who I am and how I think and how I relate with others.

Just getting here has already changed us.


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

Well, yeah, being betrayed fucks up a BS's head. But that's already happened, and you have to deal with it. You no longer have a choice.

The thing is, you can deal with it and thrive - it just takes a lot of work.

WSes have to deal with their fucked up heads, too. If you decide to cheat, you'll compound your problem.

I usually like to use different sources for research. I don't like to believe something unless I have 2 independent sources each saying the same thing.

The trouble with infidelity is that it's so highly emotional, and there's so much anger out there, and it's so easy to publish on the world wide web, that the crap outweighs the good stuff by 50 or 100 or 1000 or more to 1.

SI is by far the best peer counseling I've found, so you might consider just sticking with Si until you get your footing.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9725 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

Maybe I should change my mindset and get what I need on the side.....sorry but if you cant beat them, should you join them? I think being a BS is the shittiest spot to be in out of them all.
I agree. We get all the pain, none of the fun!

You raise an interesting thought for me. Can a BS change their "mindset" to a WS mindset? We expect our WS's to change their mindset, so it would be possible to change one's mindset to the WS mindset. My thought then goes to this BS that can change their mindset to WS thinking, weren't they always really a WS waiting for the opportunity or the final straw to push them over the edge?

Do you really feel you could change your mindset, JustCali? I really don't feel I could. I just wouldn't want to is the basic sticking point for me.

I trust so few people and allow so few people to really know who I am and what I am about.
I can understand this so well. One of the first things I established for myself in the first few weeks after d-day was that I wasn't going to let my FWH's infidelity define who I was. Yes, I knew I was going to change in some ways. I don't feel anyone can really be immutable from the effects of infidelity.

I don't feel fidelity is futile. Many people can be and are faithful.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9401 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

Sorry but I don't buy the if you can't beat em join em mentality with this situation. You are right, this will fuck up your head, it will also fuck up your trust, your self esteem, and your judgement.
The thing is as a BS we don't ask for any of it but we can heal learn and become stronger and smarter for it. But don't for a minute think stooping to their cheating, lying, and messed up behavior is accept able. Go read the I can relate on mad hatters


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, March 16th (Sunday)


The thing is as a BS we don't ask for any of it but we can heal learn and become stronger and smarter for it.

So true tushnurse


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 7