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User Topic: WW asked some more questions
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Today my WW asked me some questions:

1. How much do you miss me?

2. You really want just me?

2a. Why?


I answered them truthfully and honestly. I will post what i said later, it is too much to type up right now.

What's your take on WW asking these questions? WS invited.

Do you think she is trying to see where I stand or what? Is it possible she is starting to want to come home and be with me and try again.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 1:24 PM, March 17th (Monday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
cvs2kkids
Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, March 17th (Monday)

IMHO, communication is a key and needs to go in both directions. It appears you hope to R, so I see this as good.

There was talk in another forum (WS) that said the Wayward has choices too. They may have messed up everything, but also need to commit the time and energy to be R. While we offer them the gift of R, they offer us the time, energy and yes, even emotional pain, of dealing with the A.

Until R is off the horizon, I say WS have concerns to. Obviously they can`t be shifting blame, but honesty is a 2 way street

[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 1:32 PM, March 17th (Monday)]


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


Posts: 234 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, March 17th (Monday)

I think she's fishing for ego kibbles.

After all the shit she has pulled, anything less than a face to face conversation in which she says, "LostSamuri, I am so very sorry for what I have done. I don't know why I did this, but I promise you I will go to IC immediately and start working on my issues. I will get tested for STD's and ask the doctor to call you with the results. I will tell all my friends and family that the things I have told them about you and our marriage were lies..lies I told to justify my abusive behavior. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I will go NC. I will answer all of your questions. I will give you whatever you need to begin to work towards healing our marriage. I am so,so, so sorry."

All with tears and snot running down her face.(And actually following through with those promises.)

Anything less than that?

Nope!

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:37 PM, March 17th (Monday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 17th (Monday)

If that is the case, then it is surely over... The marriage is gone and I have to face reality and let go of my dream. It is so hurtful to be left abandon like this and she doesn't get it. She doesn't understand my pain.

I guess I am being played even more. I know there are days, I just want to cry and I can't. Not sure why, but the tears won't come no matter how hard I think of the situations, the mind movies, the being alone. I am forced to suffer.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Maybe she doesn't want to put time and effort into this anymore. Seems like still finds fault with everything I do.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Im so sorry. Im so sorry that you are in so much pain. I took a break for the last few months and stopped posting here, but I read quite a bit. I've read your posts. I know you have been trying to heal, but your WW continues to hoover you back in. She drops crumbs, and you look for a way to turn those crumbs into more. It's obvious you are a good man, a good husband, and I think you would turn yourself inside out for your WW.

But you shouldn't have to. You are fine just as you are. SHE is the problem here.

I read your other thread right before I responded on this one. You are not controlling..that is something unremorseful WS's say to their BS because their BS wants transparency,NC, GPS,etc. You seem to think you need to do a lot of changing to make her happy, or to get her to want to come back.

LS, have you heard about the bucket with the holes in it? You can pour water into it all day long, it's still going to leak. Your WW is the bucket. You can try..Hell..you can DO everything she seems to want you to do..and she will still have issues. The hole is still there. Until she patches up that hole, nothing you do will "fix" her.

Im so sorry you are hurting.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Confused,
thanks for that. I think that hit the nail on the head. She does little affectionate things here and there and then something pops up and it is my fault all the time.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
outside4me
Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 17th (Monday)

A bucket with a hole in it. IMHO she should be the one patching and pouring. Pay close attention to your water conservation, amigo... otherwise your well might run dry.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Today my WW asked me some questions:
1. How much do you miss me?

2. You really want just me?

2a. Why?

These questions from your WS are ALL ABOUT HER still!!!!

She is still blaming, and still wanting you to bend over backwards to be the perfect cuckhold spouse. I know you lover her man, but by not forcing her to make a choice, you have allowed her to continue to do exactly what she wants.
I don't think this is her way of figuring out if she wants to come back, she just wants that assurance that you are still there waiting for her.
Why not give her whiplash, and have her served with D papers.
I know you are scared of loosing her, but she is gone already, she just hasn't told you yet.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Tushnurse got it right! Those questions from your WW read like, I, ME, I, ME, I, ME. Just selfish. Funny how the unremorseful ones very rarely if ever genuinely ask how you as the BS are doing or what you want or anything about YOU. Take care of yourself LS.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 17th (Monday)

I'm going to be honest here. When I was stuck in a guilt and shame spiral I asked those questions.

Do you think you can ever love me again?

I am in this for the long haul no matter what but please let me know of you are going to hate me forever...

Do you hate me?

Will you ever be able to trust me again?

Will I always be nothing more then a horrible person that destroyed you?

Is everything else I've ever done for us neutralized by my A actions? (This is when he was yelling at me and telling me I never did enough to when a few days earlier he said the complete opposite)

Sometimes wayward need to say how they are feeling as well because truly burying it again is not healthy. I refused to bury anything anymore. If I felt it I asked it. I also wasn't going anywhere, quit my job, in counseling, full transparency, immediate NC and I confessed. Wrote timeline and offered to let him know any detail I remembered when I remembered it. I will not say I was the model WS I messed up, I confessed all my mess ups hee and got more then one 2x4. I am saying that your wife may be trying to communicate LS but without her doing the heavy lifting it appears she is just looking for validation.

[This message edited by Unagie at 2:41 PM, March 17th (Monday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, March 17th (Monday)

To me it reads that she wants to make sure she still has "reason" to try. To find out if it's "worth it" i.e. if you're going to be able to get over it already or if she'd be wasting her time. As the others have said upthread, completely the wrong attitude to have.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, March 17th (Monday)

At times, I feel like I am the weakest one on here. I feel like I am being fed into as others have pointed out, feeding her validation. I said to her, you probably don't even want to be with me.

Her response. Oh Hush.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, March 17th (Monday)

At times, I feel like I am the weakest one on here. I feel like I am being fed into as others have pointed out, feeding her validation. I said to her, you probably don't even want to be with me.

You are not the weakest one. That's me

I see a lot of myself in your posts. My xwBF would ask me very similar questions, and I would bend over backwards trying to make him feel wanted and desired. I did that for a whole year, and completely ignored my own needs during that time. I was very co-dependent, and always put him first. Until the day that I stopped doing that, and I left him. It's hard because you probably don't want to be the one to end it, the one that "gave up" on the marriage. That's how I felt. And he knew that, and in the month after I left he told me repeatedly that I gave up on the relationship. It really twisted me up inside, and I got so many 2x4's on here from people who really care. At one point I stopped posting because I was so ashamed of my inability to change. I saw me defending myself as not loving him, and I couldn't do anything that he could portray as me not loving him.

I don't really have any advice for you, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Also, sometimes I don't think people change until they're forced to. Maybe your WW just needs a good kick in the butt of you walking away for her to get serious.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, March 17th (Monday)

On D-Day, my W said she wanted R, and she started doing the work even though I refused to commit to R. She got immediately that behaving honestly and authentically was necessary for her own life whether I chose R or D. I think you need to demand that from your W.

Throughout our post-D-Day lives, she's been unable to understand that I was willing to R or why, but she's continued on the road to honesty and authenticity.

I think some WWs take a lot of time realizing what work they have to do, so you may get what you want, but until she finds remorse, I think you should treat her like an enemy and not give her anything she can possibly use against her.

My advice is: Believe her actions, not her words - and don't begin to believe her actions until they say 'R' for many consecutive months.

Do the 180 and detach. You can't love her back. Debasing yourself and accepting less than her best won't cause her to R.

Hmmm...do you know the movie The Blue angel - I urge you to watch it.

Weak? Bullshit - you're just doing the best you can to get what you want. Now you're getting consistent advice from SIers - consider the advice and take it if you think it's a better way.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:56 PM, March 17th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 15