User Topic: if you suspect another member is a friend
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

If you came across another member's profile and it sounded like one of your friends, would you ask. What if you suspected it was a coworker? I know SI is a safe place where we can all post anonymously. I just read someones profile and it sound very similar to a coworker that I dont know very well. This coworker is also the opposite sex so I am extra leary to ask, but I also want to offer support. What say you?

Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall

Posts: 598 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
Member # 42551
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

I say you try and offer support in person. This coworker may feel less able to vent and post their innermost thoughts if they think someone they know is reading it.

Never looking back with longing. Always looking forward with hope.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

I would say to not intrude. Boundaries are important on all sides and as well meaning as you may be this co-worker may not see it as such. Don't take anyone's safe place from them. If you are invited in it is one thing but this is not being invited, especially if this is someone you are not that friendly with to begin with. Allow them to heal or reach out as they please and within the I limits.

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Too dangerous if they are of the opposite sex. You don't know for sure so I wouldn't talk in person. Send a PM of advice and that's it.

Read how affairs begin and analyze your boundaries.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
confused girl
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

This is a hard situation but I know I would be horrified if a coworker said something to me about finding me on here. This is where I go to be totally private. It could cause great anxiety at work, too.

While I appreciate that you want to offer support, you can offer that support here without bringing work into it.

Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

I agree that you can post here in support of them without knowing for sure who they are IRL. Let them keep their privacy but be supportive.

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Secrets Kept
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

In the topic line you state "friend". If this person is really a "friend" they may like the chance to have someone understanding what they are going thru IRL!?!?!

I have referred a friend here whose WH has had A's on her in the past couple of years. We are truly friends & I have no problem with her being on SI. We both know each others stories anyway so it's not really anything new to each other.

How you go about asking is a totally different sitch though. Do you know if this person or friend has infidelity in their past & if so, maybe just casually mention how you found such a great site & throw SI's name out there. If they don't immediately respond, they may want to keep the secret. Otherwise they will probably come back to you later like my friend & state what a great site you referred them to, etc.

Difficult knowing what to do so I doubt I was much help to you.

Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 219 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

I think what I would do is send them a brief PM saying who I was, who I thought they were and letting them know if I was right and they wanted support IRL then I'm here. I'd leave it at that. If they didn't respond or said it wasn't who I thought it was I'd assume either I was wrong or they weren't comfortable with me knowing.

me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin

Posts: 501 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Personally, I would not say anything. My thought is if a friend (not acquaintance) wanted me to know about the affair, they would tell me and I would not break their safe place here.

ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 477 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

I am pretty open in my personal life about my being on this site. I refer people here all the time. If a friend of mine is on here, it's probably because I told them about it.

That said, some people are just very private.

You could send a PM and the person can choose to answer or not.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

I would freak out if a coworker or friend contacted me here. I need my privacy to vent and post. I really think it would cause me to shut down or seriously edit myself and I need SI to be private.
I would not open that door for all of your sakes.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Topic Posts: 11