SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Do you ever get the 'special' back?
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Hi all,

I have been feeling quite down today, angry and hurt at first, now numb and scared. I am grieving for our old marriage. I guess this is welcome to year 2.

Obviously our relationship wasn't great in recent years, we both knew that but we have come through so much together, I at least, thought we would bounce back. He even said himself that's how he felt too until she came along 'then' he started becoming dissatisfied with the marriage. She made it seem lacking more than it actually was.

Before our recent struggles we were the couple people envied, the golden couple, soul mates, best friends. We knew what the other was thinking without having to speak. We were totally two halves of a whole. We used to brag we had never spent a day apart. Even through our recent struggles pre A we still had ALL of that, I was just too ill to give him the attention he craved and our sex life was lacking due to my meds. I thought he would wait for me to get well. I had a new diagnosis and was starting on the right meds. It was too late. He was already gone.

This is what I am grieving for. The specialness. The feeling the other has got your back and will always put you first, would never hurt you. We always said we never looked at other people cos we had all we needed in each other. 18 years of sexual fidelity. It was us against the world.

We had so much love that I think that's why we are working so hard on R, even after the A there is enough there to keep us fighting and hoping things will get better.

My question is can you ever get that back? The feeling it's just the two of you and you're invincible. I am guessing not since I have learned through this that you never truly know someone else, that anything can happen. That no couple is invincible.

If not, what replaces it? at the moment we love each other deeply but I am worried cos it's not the same. He is desperate for me to love him the way I did before but I keep holding something back. He seems to love me more than before if that's possible. I love him so much but it's not complete like it was before, blind, na´ve, trusting and oblivious. I wish for that innocence back so much.

He had my whole heart and soul in his hands yet he decided to betray me in the worst possible way. My dad died last year, in the middle of tt and ddays and the pain of that was nothing to the pain of the A. I loved my dad to bits even though we had a difficult relationship due to his drinking and I fear I haven't even grieved for him I am so busy grieving for my old marriage, my old faithful husband.

Now I feel as though instead of two halves of a whole we have been split 3 ways and we are just left with two thirds of a whole and there is this space where the affair lived between us. That space is filled with mind movies, secrets, betrayal, lies. It's black and drains the happiness from the other two thirds. It drains me and haunts me. Him too. His guilt is palpable.

How do we close this gap? How do we become whole again?

How do we get the special back, or is it gone forever?

This is a bit of a ramble, I am so sad. I hope it makes sense.

[This message edited by olwen at 3:28 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

yes, absolutely you can get the 'special' back.

Have you considered seeing an IC? I am wondering whether it is useful for you to explore aspects of being a child of an alcoholic. there are three things needing 'healed' here: you, your FWH, and the marriage. The latter can't really heal without the first two being well on the way, and the first two are not dependent on the third, even if it feels that way.

Do have a look at some articles co-dependency, its a very healthy lens to look at things through, helps to frame things in a new way.

Hugs, congratulations, you've made it to year 2! It gets easier, even if sometimes it may not feel that way, especially in year 2.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
ziganska
Member
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

This totally makes sense, Olwen, and I wish I had the answers. You are not alone in mourning the old marriage, even if there were issues...I'm sure like with us, they were issues you could've worked out, but our Hs had to complicate things by doing this and making matters event worse.

You're mourning the safety and trust you had in the old marriage and the belief you had that everything was right with the world. Now, things have been turned upside down and you don't have that faith that what you had before or what you thought you had before can ever come back. I guess in a weird way, that particular specialness cannot never come back, nor should you want it to. You should work on wanting to create a brand new special with your H, something that actually might be more rewarding and sustaining than you ever imagined. I know for me, I was very complacent in my old marriage and didn't expect much from my H. Despite his A, we've grown closer during R and while I still mourn what I thought we were to each other, there's something exciting about creating a new us, a new normal, a new special and realizing that back then, I really was accepting less than I was worth. I HATE HATE HATE that it took this A to throw us into a tailspin and figure this out, but I guess that's the only way we would've confronted ourselves.

Good luck to you!


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

I am wondering this too and I am about to enter year 3. Our M is stronger than ever and I love fWH and I know now that he truly is sorry for the A's, but I feel very similar to what you said here:

Now I feel as though instead of two halves of a whole we have been split 3 ways and we are just left with two thirds of a whole and there is this space where the affair lived between us.

I'm not sure if this part ever goes away for all of us. My own father says he will still think of my mom's A from over 30 years ago, also told me things have never been quite the same.

I feel that I too will always have that little sore spot where the A memories reside. I can't get the 'special' back that I had pre-A, but we can make it 'special' since the A.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:22 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

NB There's some very nice stories in the positive reconciliation thread at the top of the reconciliation forum list.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
lostworld
Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Yes, you can get the "special" back, but you can't change what happened and how devastated you were/are. You can't become invincible again either, but in reality, were you ever, or did you just have that lovely innocence of believing you were? I'm only asking because that was the case for me. I thought we were invincible, beyond the reach of infidelity or divorce and such profound betrayal and loss of security.

Now I believe that my H, and myself to some degree, are capable of many things; that marriage and life have the possibility of becoming almost anything...But now that the veil of innocent naivete has been horribly blown away, my H and I are so much more conscious of our relationship and one another. In realizing our vulnerability, we found our strength.

There's very little "coasting" in our M now. We've learned how to truly communicate. We've learned how to rebuild on a different, yet in some ways, stronger foundation. I think we have learned how to truly value and love each other in a healthier and more honest and mature way. Don't misunderstand, an A is never a "marriage builder." We could have improved everything in our life in a healthy, non-destructive way, and that would have been so so wonderful. But it didn't go that way. He instead selfishly and tragically chose to have an A. But given that we wanted to R, we had to play the hand he dealt. And it was hard, but I eventually got through the worst of it and began to look for the treasures among the ruin; and believe it or not, they were there.

I feel special again, but there are moments where I can get caught in a downward spiral of memories filled with sorrow, regret, and anger. Those are the times that I have to really concentrate on the present and where we are now. I don't think it's "fair" that this is how I have to sometimes force myself to think, but nothing about infidelity is fair. Once I do shift my focus to the present, I immediately find joy in recognizing that I am special in my H's eyes again--and in my own. I find comfort and happiness in the solid M we have rebuilt. I think it's been said very succinctly on this very board, that it's truly accepting what's happened in my M, and in incorporating that the grass is greener where I chose to water it. I wouldn't be honest if I didn't add that this perspective took me a very long time to see, and even longer to adopt, but it takes root in me deeper and deeper every day. At the beginning of year 2, and even the early part of year 3, I despaired that I would ever make peace with all that had happened, let alone feel loved, special, and irreplaceable again. Yet in time, it came...just so wish it hadn't come about the way that it did.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Following for insight. I feel the same way.

Now I feel as though instead of two halves of a whole we have been split 3 ways and we are just left with two thirds of a whole and there is this space where the affair lived between us. That space is filled with mind movies, secrets, betrayal, lies. It's black and drains the happiness from the other two thirds. It drains me and haunts me. Him too. His guilt is palpable.

So this. He's no longer special to me. I'm not convinced I love him enough to ever feel like there is anything special anymore.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
broken313
Member
Member # 39006
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

We were onlys. Whatever we rebuild that special isnt ever coming back for me.
Does It feel like the house fell down and now we get to rebuild a new one with the same old bricks. Sounds like you have good strong bricks, you can build maybe an even better house, a real one. Hugs.


Me 42
FWH 39
3 kids, 13,8,6
Dday 3/30/13
R- fragile

Posts: 73 | Registered: Apr 2013
hear-me-roar
Member
Member # 17962
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

I know I am greatly loved and special to my H, after over seven years since Dday. However, in my heart, I don't feel like I have My Special Spot back. I read something once, "life isn't what it's supposed to be, it's what it is". So, now, I just have to adjust my living in marriage to feel a different kind of "special". But, I still miss My Spot.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2008
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks everyone for all your advice.

I really must look to the future and work on rebuilding a new 'special'.

Also I have a lot of work on acceptance to do. It's just such a hard thing to accept.

It's lovely to hear about those of you who have rebuilt a new life with your partners and I hope I can learn from your example.

To those of you who are still struggling, like me, I send hugs and hopes things will get better.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Before our recent struggles we were the couple people envied, the golden couple, soul mates, best friends.

Hi Olwen........you wrote the above, but both my wife and I either one could have written this.

In many ways our M would support that statement.

Unfortunately, we had intimacy blockers in place that would not allow all of that to be 100% true. And that "missing percentage ", although small in size was large in importance.

We were "only's" too. THAT "special" is NEVER coming back.

But I firmly believe the "special" we are going to get out of this trial will trump any "special" that was given away or taken from our M as a result of my wife's A.

Those intimacy blockers? Finding, facing, and dispelling them now. What will be left is a soft, supple heart that is open to bonding......that is something that we lost in our respective childhoods.

We lost a key "specialness" as children.....we didn't realize it because of the lie that "children are resilient all on their own".....that our FOO, while dysfunctional, did not harm us. I mean, we aren't on drugs, never sexually abused, have good careers.....we are fine, right?

By all surface level indicators we were a great couple....and on the surface we were! The problem is, deep down we were walled off....we had a toughened calloused heart. No, we weren't jaded people, that shines through even at the surface level. What we were were two people doing the best we could, intelligent enough to recognize the "good " of our M AND that something was "just not right", but not able to do more than that....very much like we felt as children. Why? Because we grew up fast and missed "maturing" some parts of ourselves.

So what did we do? We honed and polished our coping skills.... Skills that were established in childhood, beautifully polished as adults, but still just a way to cope with life....not process life. Doing this did nothing but keep us blind and propagate the charade of "a completely matured, developed couple".

Bonding is a process and requires vulnerability. My wife and I are learning to be more vulnerable, to be radically honest, and to live within an "intentional marriage". Much of our M was one crafted by "default"......we knew what we didn't want. We are now crafting what we do want. Actually, learning what Gods design for M is is a more accurate way to put it.

To do this we can no longer remain ignorant and immature in those key parts of what is the foundation of mature intimacy.

I absolutely believe what I have with my wife is special. We married for a reason. God allowed us to marry. This is painful, exhausting work.... But we are called to do it and are up for the trial. YOU ARE TOO!

That specialness your friends noted? That was not a lie. Take comfort in the "realness" of that. But it was not a "whole description" of your M either.

Yes, your husband intentionally deceived you. My wife intentionally deceived me. But as I look at my own heart I see clearly how I deceived myself long before my wife's A....and how that deception hurt our M, how I deceived my wife too. I know the "intentionality" matters with regards to the level and type of pain felt.....but it doesn't change the fact that ALL deception interferes with bonding and intimacy. Wholly intentional or wholly subconscious.....deception is an intimacy blocker that prevents deep intimacy from occurring. And THAT is the specialness we never had and we will gain from this trial. Not keeping the "only's" trait of our original M seems a small price to pay for that.

This singular fact alone is why I believe 90% of all relationships started as a WS chooses an AP fail.......those relationships, unlike our marriages, were started on a bed of lies and blatant deception. Rest assured that there was no specialness to your husbands adulterous relationship, nor mine.

Your husbands fAP had at least two other guys at the same time performing different roles for her. My wife's fAP reportedly had at least one other woman before my wife and found another within 2 months after dumping my wife. That type of "specialness" is cheap and easy. Cheap and easy doesn't last. Sin doesn't last. Sin is instant gratification. Sin is destructive.

What we are doing is constructive in nature. We are finding and using new tools by which to construct a new M. We (all involved in true R) are building something special.....I just know it.

Long post......wanted you to know in your heart that real specialness awaits those who preserver. That some of that original specialness remains.

Keep the faith.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:15 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I don't think you can get the special back you are talking about. It's nice that so many people found a different kind of special...I want back what we had. I want to be his only sexual partner again like he is mine. I don't know if I will ever be able to accept that I can't get it back :(

Sorry. I'm struggling lately (again...)


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Our original M was special.

Both spouses may have realized something was missing, work was needed, desired change and growth....but neither knew exactly what to do.

At some point a spouse decides to gamble and they step out of the M. The choose to have an affair....emotional infidelity or full on adultery. In either case THAT attempt to attain "specialness" fails miserably. This is a key component to the "fog".

This is a spouse not wanting to face the truth of the situation.....to accept that they destroyed "some real specialness" for "zero specialness". The fog is the time when they try very hard to make specialness exist where there is none.

The friendship my wife and I shared, the children we created, the extended family and friends interactions pre-A....that was REAL specialness. There is more to M than those real components, but those components are still a real part of our marital relationship.

While in the fog a spouse tries, in vane, to rewrite history so that those real facts don't exist.........but they do.

My memories of doing and interacting with my wife pre-A are still very real and very special to me. It was just her and I in the room when our daughters entered this world, it was just her and I when we bought our first home, it was just her and I remodeling our home.

Don't allow your husbands affair to lessen the value of that pre-A "specialness".......even though he may have tried or you may have tried in a vane attempt to lessen the pain of adultery.

SOME pre-A marital specialness is lost forever....but not All pre-A specialness is lost. Lose sight of that fact and hope is jeopardized.

(((Angel177))). I still have nightmares of my wife and the fOM having unprotected, teenage-intense sex shortly after dropping their respective kids off at school. The pain is very real. It took me over a year to fully accept that this actually happened, wife intentionally chose this action (not tricked or raped), nothing I could have done would have stopped her, and nothing I can do since will change the facts. But I have accepted all of this. I have forgiven my wife. I pray all couples can heal and grow through this toughest if tough marital trials.


Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:20 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks everyone,

I guess it is possible to create a new special. I can usually see it but right now I am pretty down and struggling not to dwell on what we have lost.

I think it is the lost innocence that is hurting so bad.

I had nothing when I met H, an alcoholic father was only the tip of the iceberg. I was miserable when I met H. I was fresh out of an abusive first relationship and I was still only 17. I was so insecure and jealous of his previous partners and I clung to him like a limpet. I would always worry about other women or him leaving me. I loved him passionately and completely.

The irony is that just as I was feeling safe and loved, felt better about myself and relaxed with him, that then he decided to cheat! I feel back to square one now, jealous of every woman he sees, constantly comparing myself and doubting everything.

I often wonder if he couldn't cope not being the centre of my whole world anymore. In truth our relationship took a down turn when we had our son and later when my health took a turn for the worse. I didn't have the time or energy to fawn all over him so he went elsewhere for it.

Now the tables have turned and he is pouring love and attention on me but I am just not feeling receptive right now. Once upon a time it would have really meant something. It would have made me feel safe and special. It would have changed my life, I wouldn't have been so damn insecure for so long.

It feels like if I am insecure and worrying then he is faithful and happy but as soon as I let go of that and focus on other things he realises that's what he likes and misses and will do anything to get it back.

Suddenly I am the centre of his world and it's a strange place to be. I wanted it for so long and now I have it I would rather go back to our old relationship of mutual love and trust despite my insecurities.

I am not explaining this well. I felt insecure and scared he would meet someone he preferred but deep down I never 'really' believed he would. So I was insecure but trusting at the same time. After so many faithful years I started to believe him and feel safe in my marriage. That's when it all went wrong.

As soon as he wasn't the centre of my attention 24/7 anymore he went and got it elsewhere. That makes me feel that what we had couldn't have been that special to him. It was all about me having him on that bloody pedestal. So he went and found someone else to put him back up there.

Now he wants to put me up on a pedestal and I don't want to be there. I would rather go back to how we were before, when I could look up to him and respect him for being a faithful and honest man. That's gone now and I am having a hard time accepting it.

I am so angry with him for taking that husband away from me.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Before our recent struggles we were the couple people envied, the golden couple, soul mates, best friends. We knew what the other was thinking without having to speak. We were totally two halves of a whole. We used to brag we had never spent a day apart.

The rhetoric here is very co-dependent, as is your discussion abut insecurity being your comfort zone. Sorry to keep banging this drum, but I do recommend looking at co-dependency articles, as well as those aimed at adult children of alcoholics.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks edie, I have bought a book called Codependence - the dance of the wounded souls, and codependent no more. Something someone said in another post made me think. I haven't read it yet, maybe now is the time.

Thanks

[This message edited by olwen at 9:55 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I've read the list of ACOA traits and I have so many of them, even though my dad was an extremely high functioning alcoholic. It's been very eye opening.

As for specialness, I can only speak in terms of my own experience. I feel that specialness with H now. For us, our marriage was in such a horrible state before DDay that I don't ever want to go back to that. I can't imagine how difficult it is to deal with this when the M was in a good state.

Although, even with the state of our M in the past, I still did have a feeling of safety and security, which was completely stripped away on DDay.

H has been very remorseful and has done everything that I have needed. That special feeling didn't come until I let his love in. I'm not sure I could have forced it though. It happened quite naturally and was a bit of a shock to me. When I couldn't let anything in, I felt stuck, and I had no idea what healing would look or feel like.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

recommend looking at co-dependency articles, as well as those aimed at adult children of alcoholics.

Edie is into something here Olwen.

Your early posts were like mine. Your husband reacted like my wife did. The intense nature you engaged this trial resonates with me.

My wife is a COA. Codependent is me. I have learned healthy marriages start with healthy, whole stand alone people.....of which my wife nor I were.

Not "perfect" people.....but "whole" people. That means able to process life on your own.

Does not mean a "passionate" person marries a "reserved" person.......hoping that the other will supply what they desire to have, but would require internal growth (discomfort or pain) to attain for themselves.

I NOW see my wife's "reserved" nature as a teaching model for me to learn to be "reserved " on my own. My "passionate" nature is a teaching model for my wife to learn to be "passionate" on her own. One of our stumbles was that we both kinda relaxed once we got married....never grew in areas we should have. Codependently interaction rather than Inter-dependably interaction occurred.

Easy to do with the "praise from others" that you referenced in your opening post.

People saying things like "you guys are so well suited for each other.......one provides the energy the other provides the calm."

Not that blunt but that is the jest of it.

We both are learning we need to balance OURSELVES out.....

Our childhood unbalanced us, or we never learned healthy balance?

Our unbalanced natures worked well together.....until they didn't.

God is with us all

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:54 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Does the special come back? Hmm...I think a new special would be in order. It has changed, so adjusting and making "new special" is probably what occurs if R happens. I hope for that for us, but know it will NEVER be the same if we make it.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Exactly blakesteele! That's why I love coming here. Everyone else is so much better at explaining my own inner thoughts than I am. But I'm learning to try to put my feelings in words. It's difficult when I've held everything in for so long.

I say that our M was in a horrible state, but we weren't completely conscious of it during that time. Everyone used to say how well we suited each other. In reality, our wounds fit perfectly.

Now we are growing together. It's an incredible journey.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

(((Sadone29)))

Your ending sentence gave me goosebumps. I am tasting, or at least smelling that "incredible" feeling you speak of now.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I'm a bit of a mess aren't I.

I will start with the codependence stuff. I am surprised none of my therapists have used that word. I think that's how it is in the uk though. They help you using whatever they specialise in and focus is on behaviours and thought processes rather than titles and psychological terms. I have been in and out of therapy since I was around ten and none of it has helped long term.

It's kind of hard to know where to start. I can't afford IC off my own back and have seen just about every therapist in my area anyway. Right through from counselling to hospital therapy for a year.

Is reading on co-dependency a good place to start when you have so much gone on in your life? Or should I read up on other areas too?

Yes, I am a child of an alcoholic but also the child of a brain damaged violent parent. My mum was seriously depressed. I cared for them both and brought up my younger sibling. I nearly died aged 10 following a bad reaction to surgery that meant I had to have parts removed and was in and out of hospital and intensive care and am left with health problems. It all left me an adult at way too young an age. I am bipolar with severe anxiety and social phobia. I was the victim of sexual assault as a young teen and rape and abuse as an older teen. I could go on but you get the point. How do I tackle that lot?

As for therapy, I first had a psychiatrist as a child but my dad refused to let me go past the first appointment, he was worried he would get blamed for my problems. I had social workers. had counselling in school, later in college and later still through my job. I have had CBT, CAT, CFT, other psychotherapies, none of which have helped for more than a year after they end.

H on the other hand was spoiled rotten by his parents. He could do no wrong, never had to think for himself, make a meal, lift a finger in general. He is the golden boy. They weren't there emotionally though and the atmosphere is toxic on his home. Lots of bitterness and grudges, silent treatment and not one of them will ever say sorry or even admit they have done wrong. He can't go to them with problems, they brush anything emotional off. They don't talk about anything unless it's superficial or arguing.

I will start with the co-dependency stuff and see how I get on.

I think I struggle so much with losing that special feeling cos H was the first person to ever make me feel special. I believed him and look what happened.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks blakesteele. God is with us all. I feel that more than ever now too. He is helping us to move towards wholeness. :)

Olwen, our M has a similar dynamic, though my childhood was nowhere near as traumatic as yours. H lived in affluence, never had to work for anything and even now, his parents show their love by throwing money at us. But that has also damaged him. He was the golden boy and was also under constant pressure to live up to their expectations. It was during this time that he learned to hide and wall himself off.

In contrast, I grew up in poverty. My dad worked an extremely dangerous job that had him away for weeks at a time. My mother had to cope and I think she just shut down a lot of times. I'm starting to see that she couldn't always give me the emotional support I needed.

I think the specialness comes with your own healing. The more you realize that you are special, the more you can let it in and feel it from another person. And the more you see it, the clearer it will be to you whether your H is the one to be able to reflect the wonderful person you are. If not, at least you will have that feeling for yourself and no one will be able to take it away from you, even if extreme pain is there. This is the hope I have for myself anyway.

Even now, there are times I have to look away from H because the love in his eyes is too much for me to handle. And I know that it's something I need to work on. I still have many deep beliefs of my own unworthiness that I know are there.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2013
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

oh Olwen, lovely, you tackle it bit by bit. It sounds like you are very self-aware anyway, so reading will help a lot.

No way are you a mess! You have survived so much.

We all need a 'bit' of special for our marriage, and all our relationships in fact. Just sounds like your need for special is to make up for some of the [many] emotional deficits of your childhood. But the need for the special you are discussing about your H providing sounds a little like the external validation that WSs are looking for in an A. And we BSs absolutely need it big time after D day - I remember feeling that I wanted to be ADORED. But soon realised that in fact I had to do that for myself, and that my main task was to get myself further up my own list.

None of that is to say that a little bit of external validation is not necessary to a healthy life - it is, for sure. Part of the human condition, that need. In moderation, in balance.

I'm in the UK as well, so know what you mean about the UK (I quite like that about the UK, to be honest ). Are you referred to a hospital for your bipolar condition? Or do you have community care? You could ask for both? (my twin brother , and my father, was bipolar so I have a lifetime of experience with that, and treatment options here in the UK).

Hug to you, you sound resilient, and are on the right track of researching and reading. its a GOOD version of the 180, to focus on your own healing and self-development and not overly focus on
ypur WS or the marriage. To live your life for you, not through another, or the lens of another.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks so much all,

Those posts felt like a great big hug and we all need those sometimes.

Re the bipolar, I see a psychiatrist, my GP and am currently in therapy - compassion focussed therapy - basically to learn to calm my extremes, relax and be kinder to myself. Of course these things never run by the book and the A has been addressed just as much along with the stuff from my childhood. She is trying to help me see that if I had been born into a different family I would have been a different person, possibly without these problems. I genuinely believed it was something wrong 'in' me and not a result of my experiences. I struggle with that every day.

I think at the moment my condition is well managed. When I get a brief respite occasionally from thinking about the A I do feel better in myself. I actually managed to go into a quiet shop with H and DS last weekend. That was a huge step forward as I haven't been in a shop for two years! I still can't go out alone but am managing little visits with family and walks. Prior to diagnosis I couldn't leave the house at all or even have visitors. I would run and hide. So I am making progress although to some it may seem like not much. My mood swings are lots better. I am usually depressed but haven't thought of suicide for at least a month when it used to be daily. No more highs either. The meds have fixed that. I am quite looking forward to my next appointment. My progress has been hampered by the A so it will be nice to say things are starting to improve. They were really starting to worry my depression was so severe, now it's mostly mild.

I totally get what you're saying about learning to find my own special, wow, that could be quite a long journey lol. In some ways I think H is more dependent on me than the other way around. He is miserable if I am, lost if I am not deciding what we are going to do etc. He just sort of ambles around aimlessly, playing games on his ipod or watching tv. I on the other hand have my hobbies, am perfectly happy in my own company and prefer it sometimes. I think the difference is because he is working and sorts the bills etc he could manage alone. His place would be a tip and he would never actually get himself together to do anything but he could cope. I on the other hand can't work right now, can't go out alone and wouldn't know where to start being self sufficient. My place would be spotless though and I would never run out of bread or milk if I did on line shopping or could actually get to the shops lol. Sorry to make a joke out of it but that's our personalities and we always seemed to compliment each other. I guess looking at it now it's not so funny.

I guess I can see for myself what I need to do. I need to know I could manage without him. That's hard with my mental health problems though. They did tell me when we went for STI checks that there is help out there for people like me should I need it if I decided to leave him, that is reassuring.

My first goal is to get well and look after myself. after that I want to be a strong and self sufficient as I can so I know I can cope whatever happens. At the same time I need to learnt to let him in, to let go of the past. It's a tall order but every journey starts with the first step.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I hope it's okay that I keep responding. Your posts resonate with me so much.

I have anxiety (general and social) and rarely leave the house alone. I don't even drive. I had to stop going to my 12 step program because I couldn't handle the panic at the thought of sharing with real life people.

I know it's difficult. But I try to believe that the pay off will be huge if I keep pushing forward.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2013
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

She is trying to help me see that if I had been born into a different family I would have been a different person, possibly without these problems.

Kay Redfield Jamison's book An Unquiet Mind concludes with her saying that for her the bipolar was so much a part of her, both a blessing and a curse, that allowed he to live life with a certain intensity that she would not be 'her' without it, and would choose to have it rather than not given the choice. My brother felt the same.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I forgot to say congrats on going to a shop! That sounds like a huge step forward.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2013
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

((sadone29)) of course I don't mind your replies, they are very helpful! I am so so sorry to hear about your anxiety too. It really is crippling and you have my sympathy and support any time you need it - just let me know anytime you want to talk.

Edie - I have read that book, it was fascinating. I noticed you used the past tense about your brother, is he no longer with you? If so I am sorry. I am glad he could see good and not just bad in his condition. I am guessing he had more mania or hypomania than me, was he bipolar 1? Unfortunately for me my diagnosis was 25 years in coming as I am predominantly affected with severe depression. I am bipolar 2. Looking back I have probably only had a handful of hypomania's but plenty of milder 'energy bursts', cleaning the bathroom with a toothbrush aged 11 - weird things like that, I also used to hoover with the skinny nozzle attached on my hands and knees to catch every last bit of the carpet. I go on baking sprees and cleaning sprees as well as online shopping sprees. I also get hypersexual. All stuff that can be explained away as a bit odd so that even I have trouble recognising it as bipolar and not just eccentricity. I don't get the king of the world feeling very often and don't think I have ever had a full blown mania. Many people don't believe I have bipolar, just that sometimes I get full of energy when I am not depressed. It's hard for me to decide if I believe I have it sometimes. So for me I find it really hard to see any positives of the illness. In a way it's like I get the bad (depression) without the 'good' (mania) although we all know the mania isn't a goo thing at all, it apparently feels it at the time and that's why many bipolar's wouldn't get rid of it if they could. Me, I would run a mile given half a chance.

Thanks so much for sharing that, I really appreciate it.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks sadone

I can't go near somewhere like a supermarket cos of the noise, crowds and bright lights, or a small cramped shop where I could get trapped but this was a large soft furnishing place with lots of aisles and little corners I could hide in. I struggled with the chatter in the background and had to make sure no one came too close but I did it and it's progress


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Hi Olwen, my twin died a few weeks ago on Christmas Eve, just a few weeks after diagnosis of an aggressive cancer. I miss him very much. We talked almost every day.

Bipolar II - good! Better than I. !!


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

So sorry to hear that ((Edie))

Yes, although the depressions are apparently the same I am glad I don't have to deal with mania and all that entails.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Hurray for progress! It must have felt great, in an uncomfortable kind of way. :)


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2013
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Definitely


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Oh my gosh! I have just looked up ACOA - a term I have never heard before and it's unbelievable. The 13 characteristics are me! It explains a lot... Thanks for the reference guys.

Getting stuck into codependent no more and it's grabbed me from the first chapter.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

"Codependent no more" GRABBED me too Olwen! Though I am not an ACOA, I see very clearly how growing up fast and without intentional nurturing from a parent during my formative years instilled some of the same traits as those with an alcoholic parent.

My Mom was overloaded with pain from her D and the full responsibility of providing for 3 boys with a minimum wage job....I remember her coming home very grumpy and agitated, can't remember our "meal time" tradition as it was more a fend for yourself environment, and me being the "responsible one" who was "so mature for my age"....which meant I didn't need nurturing, I could do it myself. Coping mechs installed!

That book was a great read.....parts were as if Janis watched a home movie of my life as I grew up.

I followed it up with "How to Forgive" by Janis Spring.

I did this because as I concluded "Codpendent no more" I realized I had several jobs of "forgiveness" to tend to....and had very little idea on what true, mature forgiveness looked like.

Neither parent ever showed forgiveness or displayed how it looked. In many ways MY parents continued to just cope with life....so there is no guarantee that just because we age we mature what needs to be matured.

Olwen....you are finding a great rail to roll on.

Roll on!

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:52 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

My mother had to cope and I think she just shut down a lot of times. I'm starting to see that she couldn't always give me the emotional support I needed.

Sadone29......I just started accepting this as part of my history too. I don't condemn my Mom, she did the best she could...but she wasn't always their for me emotionally.

Previously, I put a lot of emphasis on the pain of my Dad totally leaving....but realize now my Mom "just shut down" sometimes too. My wife actually has helped me understand my Moms role in my FOO upbringing.....things I knew, but never sat with and figured out how shockingly non-supportive my Mom was sometimes during my formative years.

Not at all adopting a vicitim mentality....just starting to really accept the truths of my life. I have some truths about ME and what I have done that I never sat down with and saw those actions for the destructive forces they were.


Wild ride, huh Olwen?

Is this what you mean when you said

"I'm a bit of a mess, aren't I?"

The more I unravel, the more I see.........can be exciting, but is a bit unnerving too.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:29 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Crushed15Feb13
Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I still have nightmares of my wife and the fOM having unprotected, teenage-intense sex shortly after dropping their respective kids off at school. The pain is very real. It took me over a year to fully accept that this actually happened, wife intentionally chose this action (not tricked or raped), nothing I could have done would have stopped her, and nothing I can do since will change the facts.

Blakesteele - I can't get this out of my mind since I read it. Mine our more waking nightmares but all the same, they are debilitating and rob me of whatever power of concentration I have left. I remember holding out hope of reaching the 1 year mark, that things would get better. Still hurts so much, though. What you've written is so true.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 251 | Registered: Mar 2013
IsthereEVERanend
Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Bluntly, no, that "special" whatever it was will never come back. The lies and deceit will never go away or be forgotten. True, these negative issues may eventually be relegated to the 'they no longer matter' trash bin of life and hopefully something better will replace them.
Innocence lost is innocence gone forever. Its kinda like virginity, once it's gone its gone and eventually it doesn't matter. Maybe that is a bad analogy, I don't know.
Only thing I do know is my life and even the life of my fww was better before her lies and betrayal. She would say the same thing. There are things now that are new 'specials' like going a day or a week without a trigger. Or just a kiss without a little hint of doubt if the feelings behind it are real or maybe imagining. It was just obligatory. Damn, infidelity sucks big time. Little wonder the real success rate of reconciliation is much lower than many would have us believe. Yes, its possible. Some would say that my fww and myself are successful, but I would counter with the question, by what criteria is that success measured?
No, don't look for the old 'special' because its gone forever. Create something new to take it's place.


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

(((Crushed15Feb13)))

Sorry for your second recent DD. Early after my DD I saw the interaction my wife had with a former man in the light I SHOULD have seen it in then.....it was infidelity of sorts. Intimate emails that were hidden from me, but we were just engaged at the time. After DD I learned of the deceit that rested in my wife's heart as she told me about how two years into our M this man was still a factor in her heart......cried to her sister about her M and had thoughts about this OM.


But all of that came out my first year after DD....within months of my first DD.

Sucks....but I believe you had a major set back.

My posting if what you quoted may have come across as discouraging.....but I meant to encourage with it.

21 months out and I have forgiven my wife. I still have bad dreams, but am so much better than I was. I am healing. My obsessive thoughts have waned.

Keep the faith brother.....this can be worked through.


Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, March 20th (Thursday)

Glad I am on the right track Blakesteele. I have a lot of work to do to find me. My therapist says I have to find the real me that I want to be in amongst all the mess that created the current damaged me. Yes, that is what I meant when I said I am a mess. I am the product of a sad childhood. Even that is hard for me to say. I much prefer to tell myself to buck my idea up but she keeps pulling me up on that and telling me I have to face the pain. Easier said than done.

I agree isthereeveranend. Is think that innocent special has gone, it's all down to what we can rebuild now. at the moment it feels like we will never make a new special but I guess it's down to time. I never thought I would have come this far in a year so who knows what the future holds. It's scary not feeling confident about the future but I suppose I just have to stay on the rollercoaster and see what happens.

Thanks all.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, March 20th (Thursday)

I completely understand the soulmates/have each others back thing...I too thought that is what we were for 35 years...until dday 4 years ago. My H affair was with an old gf...he also had another A with her 20 years before the last one that I also found out 4 years ago. I don't think the same special is coming back but we can build a new one...from those old bricks. We were having a rught few years..well actually had been drifting apart about 8 years. When I think about it all, I can't help but wonder...what if he ended up with her...how does a person...a couple move on in life with someone else when every experience, every decision is influenced by your past with someone else...we have so many experiences so many good times and bad together, we built a life together...weathered storms, celebrated the joys of our children and grandchild. How does all that get dismissed by a a few years of rough times???
I just don't get it and never will, but my H said ILU this weekend and for the first time in four years, it really sounded genuine to me, so maybe there is hope. Hope for us all.

Posts: 599 | Registered: Nov 2010
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 20th (Thursday)

@blakesteele I had a lot of anger towards my parents when I was younger, though I would never dream of confronting them about it. But now, I see that they were broken too and did the best they could (or at least I try to see it). It's still good to have that information though, to facilitate healing. I see now that I am an adult and it's now my responsibility to give myself what I need and take my healing into my own hands. I'm definitely learning about having boundaries but also having compassion for others.

@olwen I'm just starting the journey too, and only now seeing how much pain is really there. I was the queen of denial for my own suffering. Even now H and I talk so much more, but I often have to come back and say something new about an old conversation because I realize that I was hiding my true feelings. I'm constantly having to check myself to see what I'm really feeling. Learning to stand up for myself has been really difficult. I've spent my whole life being the 'gentle' one who never gets upset. I don't scream and yell. I don't think that will ever be me, but I know now that I can be honest and stand my ground.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2013
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 20th (Thursday)

Thanks everyone,

I hope we can get some sort of special back. Like you say crossroads, an affair doesn't have to wipe out the whole marriage and all the memories. I hope we all find some sort of special again.

sadone - we are very similar. Well done on your progress, sometimes I don't even know what my feelings are.

It's sad we have so much to deal with.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, March 20th (Thursday)

I see now that I am an adult and it's now my responsibility to give myself what I need and take my healing into my own hands. I'm definitely learning about having boundaries but also having compassion for others.

(((Sadone29))) I totally hear you and this resonates as strongly as any one statement I have embraced since DD.

This idea that I AM an adult. I HAVE the ability to self-soothe and heal! And this does NOT mean buy a Ferrari or head to Vegas.....this is NOT a selfish realization or a "Its my time to shine" now moment. It is to attain healthy maturity in ways in which I had not before.

God help me.....for decades there was, many times, a scared little boy in me that was subconsciously influencing me.

Shocked me for a while.....fought western wild fires so I thought I was "all man".

Really quite humbling, this experience. Humbling is GOOD as it allows growth....but, still, it is nice to hear from others who have the same struggles.


Olwen....fantastic post....kinda grew in many directions. Thank you for the courage to post it and the patience to let it grow.


God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:39 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
olwen
Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, March 21st (Friday)

Bless you blakesteele, glad everyone found it useful


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, March 21st (Friday)

Blakesteele, I so understand about the scared little child inside! I don't know if being the youngest in my family influenced this, but I always felt like I wasn't an adult; like I was missing something. I went from living really recklessly to becoming rigidly responsible in a very short amount of time. Obviously I think it's good that I did that before my kids were born, but now I'm wondering if I need to deal with things I pretended weren't there.

For Olwen and anyone else interested, there are a few great speakers on youtube about codependency. I watched one last night called The 4 Stages of Codependent Recover by Ross Rosenberg. It explains why I'm having such a difficult time during this stage of learning to set boundaries. He likens it to getting off of a drug, which makes total sense to me now that I hear it. It is so difficult to actually go through with setting healthy boundaries. I want to run away and hide where I'm comfortable. I want to appease everyone around me and I have to fight those feelings of guilt just for speaking up. But I'm starting to see why this also isn't good for those in my life either.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 47