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New Beginnings
User Topic: I need some 2x4s
littlefoggy
Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I have been tempted to fill in a OLD profile.

All I can think of are reasons not to. I am *still technically* married. I am only 3 months into separation.

I just want to go out. I want to meet people. And I want to be told I am pretty by someone who isn't looking at me with the "poor littlefoggy" eyes.

So I am rationalizing it. I won't get serious with anyone. I will just stay casual. I won't have sex with anyone.

I have another 9 months minimum before I am divorced.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 486 | Registered: Nov 2013
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I am *still technically* married. I am only 3 months into separation.


I have another 9 months minimum before I am divorced.

For the love of God! For the reasons listed above, don't do it.

I won't get serious with anyone. I will just stay casual. I won't have sex with anyone.
Join meetup.com and find something that interests you. You'll meet other cool people with the same interests, without the pressure of OLD. You'll get out of the house and have fun, without getting people's feelings involved, your own included.

OLD is a big mess, and not for someone who is not ready yet, let alone someone who is still married!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3197 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

You need a very thick skin for OLD. Are you prepared to NOT get winks?

Take some time. Three months into separation is so, so soon. Do things for you, practice self care. OLD won't fill that void.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2570 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

sparkysable is right on!

Join meetup.com and find something that interests you. You'll meet other cool people with the same interests, without the pressure of OLD. You'll get out of the house and have fun, without getting people's feelings involved, your own included.

You will find it much more validating than you expect to spread your wings socially with no expectations.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3809 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

When your topic heading is "i need some 2x4s" then you already know what you need to do, right? You know you are rationalizing when you say "I won't get serious" and "I will just stay casual".

You want to just go out. Go out. With friends. Not to "find somebody" but to be with your friends. You want to met new people? Meet people by getting involved in activities you are interested in. Find someplace in your area to explore. Find something new to learn. Volunteer somewhere.

You know, I get this, we all get this. Some positive feedback that we are still lovable, attractive, dateable, sexy etc would just feel so dang good after going through what we've gone through. We long to be in a relationship. But it's too early and you know this.

You want a healthy relationship next time? Then make sure you are healthy and whole before you date. Hearts hurt easily and you don't want to hurt someone else's heart...never mind hurting your own by finding someone now when you aren't really whole. Use this time to find YOU. Use this time to relearn who you are, what you want, what makes you tick. All that information will help you find a better match when you are on the other side of this.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3013 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Damn 1 year waiting periods...more like marital parole with ankle monitoring.

I am a little over 9 months into my 1 year S period before D is final. I had the same thoughts running through my head that you do littlefoggy. I chose not to get on OLD because i'm technically still married and when I think about it I honestly don't want a relationship right now after being married and with the same person for 10 years. I chose to spend my time getting out and meeting people and having fun doing things. There is less pressure and believe me you will still be hit on and told you are pretty. The meetup suggestion is a good one if your in or near a larger city. Go volunteer or hang out with some friends. It really does help. If I do meet a woman I like or they show interest I tell them up front i'm getting a divorce and not interested in dating right now but I am always open to meeting new people and making friends. No pressure for either party and I get to slowly work my way back into single life.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1836 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
littlefoggy
Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I have been looking for a decent meetup and I am so disappointed with the ones I found. I don't even know why I think OLD would be any better.

STBX never takes DD so anything I do requires babysitter and planning. It is hard to get motivated to do things on my own. I look at the meetup, but if it is just me going, what motivation is it to go when it is so much work for what may be hit or miss social situation. Most things I do is with DD.

And, the whole I-am-married thing is a HUGE hang up for me. I don't think I could actually go through with any dates or contacts or anything.

I am just going to go get some more cats.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 486 | Registered: Nov 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I am just going to go get some more cats.

Much safer approach!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3809 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

((littlefoggy))

I understand. There was only a 90 day waiting period in my state. I made a real effort to not go out at all during that time, unless it was with a family member because it was important to me that I could be proud of my actions during the separation.

After the D was final, it took me another 18 months to be comfortable with the thought of dating. You really have to more comfortable with the thought of rejection, actually.

Use this time to do things that you always wanted to do, become the person that you always wanted to be.

I have 4 dogs, so we're kindred spirits on the animal front!


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7435 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I had a rebound relationship right after separation, hadn't even filed D yet.

In retrospect it was a very doomed relationship. He ended up being an alcoholic to boot. But it also was very good for my self-esteem and independence. I was very co-dependent on EX.

My emotions were whacked and I did everything wrong, but I took that and totally turned it into a positive.

Just be aware of where you are emotionally and what you expect out of dating.

Also...yes, you have to have very thick skin for being on OLD!


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I will caution you from the other side of the coin - from the point of view of the person who is really ready and unfortunately meets up with someone who is newly separated and not even close to healed. It happened to a good friend of mine about a month ago and it really hurt her.

I tried to caution her that a guy she met on OLD might not be ready for a relationship and that she had to ask some pretty tough questions to get to the bottom of why he was already out there. He was separated for about 4 months, had just barely filed for D, and his WW had cheated. I tried to warn her that he might appear to be ready by his initial actions, but that I remember where I was at 4 months out and there was no way I was ready even though I wanted so badly to regain what I had known for so many years as my "normal".

She unfortunately didn't listen. He laid on the charm and she grew to like him very quickly. They slept together and, lo and behold, shortly thereafter, he started avoiding her attempts to contact and finally told her - you guessed it - that he wasn't ready after all. He was the one saying all of the right things that he thought he should say. He was the one who pursued her. However, when she went for it and becoming a couple again became a reality, that's when he sat up and realized that this is not something he wanted and that the break up of his marriage was weighing on him way more than he wanted to admit.

Although they only saw each other for a little while, she was pretty torn up about it. She thought they had great chemistry and she really liked him. Unfortunately, he used an innocent, lovely person who had a very honest OLD agenda in order to try to make himself feel better in the midst of this trauma. She is now soured on OLD and is afraid to step back out since it took her a long time in the first place to make this initial step.

So you see, this shit follows you wherever you go. A couple of nice dates and some drinks can lead to a path that you are not ready to take. Momentum builds and, before you know, you are feelings crop up and you are starting a relationship.

IMO, it's very difficult to find just a "companion" through an OLD site. To me, a companion is a friend, a confidante and someone who has no romantic feelings whatsoever. This is not what OLD is all about. Sparky is right on with trying meet up groups and/or sticking close to your friends and family IRL for now.

Things will get better. The trauma will die down and many months from now you won't recognize yourself. You will have gotten to know a part of you that never emerged or didn't even exist when you were married. Once you get to know that part of you, you become comfortable with just yourself, and you start to truly love yourself again, that's when you will be ready.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2710 | Registered: Jan 2011
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Don't get more cats. Volunteer at a cat rescue!

How old is your DD? Can she come with you?

Or, get a sitter and go do ... Whatever...without worrying about whether it will have a payoff. Just go!

Can you work out a childcare swap with another parent? You take both kids one afternoon or evening, the other parent takes them another afternoon or evening? At a certain age My DS was actually easier to deal with at home if there was another kid around.

Just some thoughts...


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 841 | Registered: Sep 2012
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Don't do it. I could write a book why you shouldn't.

But, in outline format:

1. Almost everyone with a WH #2 has one because they didn't take the time to heal first. You really need time to be alone, to process everything, and to become a whole, healthy, healed person again. Otherwise, good people will run from you and you'll only attract people who are damaged. You really don't want to wind up in a relationship that's as bad as or worse than the one that brought you here.

2. All the time people come on and say that they just want companionship, nothing serious, etc. Even when both people agree, that almost never happens. One person develops feelings (usually, but not always, the woman) and the first breakup post-D is frequently as bad as the D. You need to be healed and in a good place to be able to handle this.

3. Like STBM's friend, I was also on the wrong side of this equation. I healed, went on OLD and met a guy who claimed he was healed. He is a really good guy, but wasn't healed. He hurt me, hurt himself worse, and now he feels absolutely terrible for hurting me and for setting back his own healing.

Really, nothing good can come out of dating too soon. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone regretting the time they took for themselves.

Hang out -- with friends. Join a group, exercise, volunteer -- I could list out 100 recommendations; all things I've done.

Don't hurt someone else or yourself even worse because of impatience. I know it's tough, but your future self with thank your present self if you do!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3269 | Registered: Dec 2011
littlefoggy
Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I am not really getting anymore cats.

DD is 2. Just old enough that I can't take her anywhere without running after her.

I am not claiming to be healed. But I am also not looking for my next husband. I don't think the next person I date I will marry. Or the next 5 people.

Can a girl have a casual dating experience without looking for a soul mate?

The year long wait is brutal. It is keeping me in touch with STBX and stagnating the healing process and it is dumb.

ETA: You have me thoroughly 2x4ed, I am just playing devils advocate.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 7:29 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 486 | Registered: Nov 2013
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

The year long wait is brutal. It is keeping me in touch with STBX and stagnating the healing process and it is dumb.

Why is it keeping you in touch with him anymore than being divorced would?

I "only" had a 4 month waiting period (seemed like forever, so I really feel for you with 12 month waiting period!) but once we'd hammered out the settlement, I didn't talk with then-STBXWH at all. I know things are different because you have a small child, but these are things that you have the time to work out now -- before you involve someone else.

You certainly can go ahead and date - it's your life! We always tell people to wait, and many don't listen. Many of them then come back to tell us months later that we were right and they should have listened.

Those of us who stick around NB even after being healed generally are here because we want to keep up with our SI friends, and because we want to help others avoid pitfalls that are way too common in NB. However, I think we've also learned that much of our advice will go unheeded.

Far too many times, we've been here for the aftermath of a "casual" relationship.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3269 | Registered: Dec 2011
littlefoggy
Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

We are still working out the settlement. Since there is a whole year, there is no rush in the system. Our settlement conference is scheduled for August.

Shoot. I am glad I found a lawyer who would even file before a year. The rest told me tough cookies.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 486 | Registered: Nov 2013
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

This won't be popular but I say do it. Don't post a picture. I found it a good exercise in describing myself. And in exploring what I want in a future partner.
And for me, being 36, it was nice to see that there are some pretty, kind and real people out there. I haven't been on in months but it was a nice distraction. Just keep your walls way way up.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 693 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, March 20th (Thursday)

The latest baggage reclaim post is about taking a dating hiatus after a break up/divorce: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/a-dating-hiatus-is-a-healthy-empowering-break-not-a-prison-sentence/

I can't add anything to the good advice already in this thread. I'd also caution against going on OLD. In the end it's your choice.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 20th (Thursday)

So....you want to use other people to make you feel better? How do you feel when someone uses you for their own means to an end?

Don't do this. Get off the dating site. You're not that kind of person.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13569 | Registered: Jul 2011
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 20th (Thursday)

All the time people come on and say that they just want companionship, nothing serious, etc. Even when both people agree, that almost never happens. One person develops feelings (usually, but not always, the woman) and the first breakup post-D is frequently as bad as the D. You need to be healed and in a good place to be able to handle this.
This times 1,000,000!!!!!!!!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3197 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, March 20th (Thursday)

Marriage is like a gym membership. Costly, easy to get into, and hard to cancel.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 693 | Registered: Nov 2012
CheshCat
Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)

All I wanted going through my divorce was to be held.

I bit the bullet & refused to date for a min of 2 years ("pref" 5, but 2 sounded maaaaaaaybe doable.)

A year in divorce land PLUS a year later and I woke up one morning with the realization:

Holy shit. What. Happened. To. My. Standards???
All I required of a guy was ARMS, for crying out loud!
How freaking pathetic is that? Shudder.

Chesh


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
Topic Posts: 22