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Just Found Out
User Topic: Discovery of Cybersex addiction
38yearstogether
New Member
Member # 42845
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, March 21st (Friday)

Tuesday 11th March was when I discovered on the History of our computer what my husband had been up to. The shock was unbearable. I thought we were rock solid. There in front of me were images of his online profile complete with explicit photos and exactly what he wanted to do with dozens of women. The history went on for multiple pages of porn, videos, hook up sites and casual sex sites. I felt I would pass out. I told him to get out then and there. His attitude was that it was "harmless fun". He used language like "it's only words" and "its just writing...a game" and "I never touched anyone". But this is infidelity to me. He clearly engaged in sexual activity for the purpose of sexual excitement and gratification with others and he was deceitful and living a double life. I live in hope that he can do the work on his own problems with counselling and that we can both work out what went wrong. But he needs to drop the denial. I feel enraged, anxious, desperate, lonely, terrified, betrayed and deceived. This is the only man I have ever loved. The love of my life. He says he still loves me and that the cybersex "meant nothing"...so why do it?????


Me 54 (BS)Him 56 (WS)
Married 36 years
3 grown kids - 4 grandchildren
D-Day 11 March 2014
Cybersex multiple sites, partners
Porn addiction
Kicked him out on D-Day
Back home April 17
Both having counselling

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Sydney
Blindsided215
New Member
Member # 42757
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, March 21st (Friday)

I am so sorry. ((HUGS))

I don't have an advice as I just discovered the same thing about my husband of 13 yrs. He's been going on Craigslist personals seeking out encounters for over 3 yrs! I found that out after finding out he was having a sexting affair with a good friend for over a year. He says he sees the errors of his ways. I cant get over the fact that the past 3 years of my life have been a lie and that he has been living a double life. Why does the fact that he never touched anyone not make me feel any better??!!! We are in MC and he is going to go IC for this problem but I don't know if this is what I want for the rest of my life!


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Gemstone
Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, March 21st (Friday)

Hi,

Glad you found this site. I know you are in a bad place at the moment, but there are people here who have been where you are and will be able to help you.
It is quite amazing how some men seem to think that as long as they don't touch, it is ok, not cheating and that it means nothing.
Unfortunatley, todays technology means that it is very easy to upgrade from yesterdays 'dirty magazines' under the bed to a far more personal form of viewing porn.
Nobody wants to see their husband like this, it is demeaning and your respect for them just flies out of the window.
I think until he can recognize his problem and deal with it, it will be difficult for you to get past this.

i wish you luck I am sure others who have been through this and come out the other side will be along soon with very useful advice.

(((hugs)))


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Hey there, welcome. I''m glad that you found us for support.

If you have not already, please look at the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library and start reading. Also, look in the first 1-3 pages of this forum for posts with red "targets" next to them and read their 1st page. This is all good information for you that''s written by people who have unfortunately BTDT.

Cybersex is called cybersex because is it SEX. It can be two or more people, getting together for sexual purposes. It can be one person having a solitary sexual relationship with photos, videos, cruising come-on ads, etc. It is seeking sexual satisfaction outside of your marriage. And if it''s done without the consent of both partners in a relationship, it''s infidelity.

If it wasn''t cheating, why did he hide it from you? Good question that I doubt that he can answer with any sanity. I suppose that if he had actually hooked up with one of his hookers, and as long as it was only casual, paid sex, that that would have "meant nothing" as well.

In my case, my FWHs pornographic obsession started with photos, went to videos, then to chat sites, then to pay-me-to-fondle-myself sites, then to casual hook-up sites, then to him posting his "availability", and finally to a ONS. The progression from chat sites to finding a f-buddy took less than 2 years. I caught him before he had his second session.

You can get through this. As a matter of fact, with him or without him, you WILL get through this! If he can get his head out of his ass and start thinking with the topmost head, hopefully he can figure out why he needed a hidden "nothing" for his satisfaction when he had a real, live, loving woman right next to him. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Hi and welcome 38,

I am so sorry you find yourself here, but please know you have come to an amazing place. Please read as much as you can, and try to take care of yourself.

As to his words right now, it is very common for foggy WS to deny, minimize, compartmentalize, lie, omit,and gaslight. It is very difficult to face their own shame and be accountable, (not that it makes it OK!!!).

The actions are crazy, and the mindset that leads to the actions are even more crazy. Please don't doubt yourself.

There is also the possibility that you are not getting the full truth at this point. TT is VERY common around here.

The bottom line is that he is likely batshit crazy right now, and the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Don't believe anything he says, and only about half of what he does at this point.

I hope these words do not overwhelm you, they come from my experience. Trust YOUR values and YOUR gut...you have integrity and strength. Hang in there, hold tight, and stay close. This place can literally be a lifesaver!

And to second what Skan said, you can get through this!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
38yearstogether
New Member
Member # 42845
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)

Thank you so much for all your hugs and support. I am so glad I stumbled onto this site. I know that some people don't view cybersex as infidelity - they say that because there is no physical contact it is somehow "harmless fun". My trauma anxiety and depression would indicate otherwise.

Blindsided thank you for sharing. I feel your pain too. I too can't imagine feeling any worse.

Gemstone thank you for your comments. I do need him to recognise his problem before there can be any hope of reconciliation.

Skan thank you for expressing so well my EXACT same thoughts on this. There is no doubt in my mind that this is cheating. How can anyone can justify this kind of behaviour when supposedly in a committed loving relationship?

Bent thank you. I appreciate your honesty. I simply cannot trust him right now. It's all too raw and there are so many inconsistencies in what he says, I had to cut off communication with him for now.

He is seeing a counsellor, as am I. I am trying to look after myself now. The loneliness and anxiety are tough.

Sincere thanks to you all for taking the time to care and reply. I appreciate the support. I will try to support others as I get stronger. HUGS to all of you.


Me 54 (BS)Him 56 (WS)
Married 36 years
3 grown kids - 4 grandchildren
D-Day 11 March 2014
Cybersex multiple sites, partners
Porn addiction
Kicked him out on D-Day
Back home April 17
Both having counselling

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Sydney
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)

Honey, the one and ONLY responsibility that you have right now, is to yourself. You take care of you. Be kind to yourself and nurture yourself. That''s the best way that you can give back right now. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
strengthandhope
Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)

(((38yearstogether)))

Unfortunately this is a growing problem, even with people that thought they had/have a loving long term marriage or relationship. I have had 4 Discovery Days, and all center around this cyber world.

My husband has been remorseful each time, he does see it as cheating, yet he has been unable to stop himself. This past DD, he admitted that he is SA (sex addict) and needs special help. He doesn't want to hurt me anymore, but realizes his behaviors have become out of control.

Be aware, even if things seem to go well again, many times these people will find other ways to act out. They will start finding ways to hide things, either with secret cell phones, or manipulating the computer so you can't look up the history, etc.

You are in for a long, hard road. I wish you the best and there are plenty on this website that have experience and want to share that with you to be your safe place to fall when no one else seems to understand.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
oldtimer97
Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, March 24th (Monday)

With the advent of the internet, this is rampant, rampant problem now. My husband & myself were one of the 1st couples to prototype it..what a distinction before the general public really knew about it and we appeared in a documentary on the Discovery Channel back in the day. You can read some of the details in my ever-changing/growing and incomplete profile. The long story made short in our case, is that my husband is actually bipolar, such that when he goes manic, he goes hypersexual & women over the internet is how he expresses it, save a couple of actual physical meetups. If your husband is a true addict, all of the steps will continue to escalate.

I wish I had more time to fill you in more, but since "we're" in a manic stage right now, my time is very limited, not to mention I'm a slow writer. Your best place to start for info on this site is in the I Can Relate forum and look for the subforums: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts and Online/Cyber cheating. Get familiar with the term CSAT. This is the best kind of certified & educated counselor for your husband. I would also suggest for both you and him: "In the Shadows of the Net" by Patrick Carnes Ph.D. You can find a free download @ ebooks3000.com. Use the download site, depositfiles and use the download link that says "Download file in regular mode by browser" It is a cloud service not a peer to peer. I downloaded it yesterday with no problems and no malware warnings.

This stuff is nasty. The 1st one for my husband was a married woman whom he had never seen a picture of nor talked to on the phone, yet he thought he was head over heels in love & willing to leave me for her. Now if that isn't an indication that this stuff is created in the individual's imagination & fantasy world, I don't know what is. Suffice it to say, back then before it became more common, it absolutely shredded my self-esteem to think I was worth so little I could be replaced by the virtual stranger! Best of luck and hang in there.


“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou


Posts: 3261 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
38yearstogether
New Member
Member # 42845
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you guys. I appreciate all your comments and insight.

Today 25th March (yesterday in Sydney)is/was our 36th wedding anniversary and a very sad day spent alone. He sent me a card hoping for my forgiveness one day.

This is the worst thing I have ever been through. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy (if I had one)... and I have never been on my own, so it's taking all the strength I can muster just to put one foot in front of the other to get through the day.

I am the sort of person who needs things to make sense, but perhaps they never will. I have not closed the door on a possible reconciliation one day, but he has have lots of work to do and I have lots of healing to do before I can even consider that. We have both started counselling.

I see now that cybersex is a huge problem in our society and causing untold distress for many many people. This makes me so sad and wondering what on earth is wrong with these people who would hurt the ones they love...

Perhaps I should now move over to the subforums: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts and Online/Cyber cheating?

[This message edited by 38yearstogether at 3:52 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


Me 54 (BS)Him 56 (WS)
Married 36 years
3 grown kids - 4 grandchildren
D-Day 11 March 2014
Cybersex multiple sites, partners
Porn addiction
Kicked him out on D-Day
Back home April 17
Both having counselling

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Sydney
Gemstone
Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

There are many many people out there who have an addictive personality and many different things to become addicted to.
The one constant is that once on that path, without help, it will get worse and the need for the 'fix' will increase
Porn addicts will like all others, not see it as a problem, and will convince themselves that they are doing no harm to anyone. The availability of easy porn via the computer makes it so much easier for them to accelerate the addiction and keep upping the fix.
In their minds they are getting all the excitement they want and not hurting their partners cos it's 'not real'. Then I think it becomes not enough and they need to have actual physical contact and by this time, they have spent so long telling themselves it means nothing they can make that step without any guilt.
Of course the partners pain is not in a Cyber space it is real, all consuming, heart breaking and devastating .

I hope he can get the help he needs and that you will find some peace and strength either with or without him


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
spanz
New Member
Member # 42715
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

let me take a slightly contrarian point of view. In such a lengthy marriage, it is common for the man to have some sort of erectile disfunction. Porn can be helpful for some in that situation. The question is: did he watch porn to get himself hornier for sex with you, did he watch it to the detriment of your sex relationship, and worse of all did he do it to hook up with other people.

Talk to him about it. Ask him what he did, what sites, get all the passwords, get him to agree to share everything and never erase anything from the computer from now on. and tell him you are going to watch his computer/phone like a hawk. See if you can channel this unhealthy addiction into a more beneficial path.

Of course, if he is having physical affairs, or even long term emotional affairs online, that might be a deal breaker for you.


Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: usa
Mhiimg65
Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

Dear 38,
Many of us are in your same boat. My WH went from porn sites to Craigslist which resulted in a 10 month PA in a city he travels in. Then when she broke it off ( for some other WS, I'm sure) he went back to live porn sites and even two prostitutes. Please don't let yourself undermine what is going on.

I'm only 3 months in, and we are in MC and he is in IC, but I can already clearly tell his problem is going to take much longer than either of us imagined.

Hang in there, and keep reminding yourself this is a serious infraction of your life and marriage. And hugs...


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
38yearstogether
New Member
Member # 42845
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

He has been out of the house since DD. 11th March, when my gut told me to kick him out. We met up last weekend for a coffee and it was very emotional and there were lots of tears. But I asked him a question that he avoided and it played on my mind the next day. He told me he "would have" stopped, because he "got scared when she used the word love". But his behaviour indicates the opposite. He was actually escalating. He posted photos of his genitals and continued his explicit sex talk to the very same woman who supposedly scared him. That's when I had my full on tantrum (in the privacy of my own home) - complete with screaming phone call to him and smashing of breakable objects. I have never been so enraged.

Here's the thing, I caught him out and kicked him out. So there's no way of knowing if he would have stopped by himself or not. So that is kind of a childish unhelpful comment to downplay the situation. The specifics of the how's and when's and what ifs aren't important - but the deception is key here. If he's just going to say what he thinks I want to hear, then there is no future. I need the truth. I am already hurting. I need answers. We are both still having counselling separately I have said that I have not closed the door completely on the possibility of a reconciliation, but I need time and I need to make sense of what happened to my darling husband and the marriage I thought I had. I asked him to get back to me when he has some clarity. Nothing yet.

I feel as though I am trying to find the pieces of the puzzle and he keeps handing me the ones that don't fit. All that does is perpetuate my frustration and confirm his inability/unwillingness to face the truth or give me anything that makes sense.

He spends a lot of time with our grown up kids...dinners, movies, football, etc. He is getting looked after, and I feel like I am on my own. Very sad and depressed at the moment.


Me 54 (BS)Him 56 (WS)
Married 36 years
3 grown kids - 4 grandchildren
D-Day 11 March 2014
Cybersex multiple sites, partners
Porn addiction
Kicked him out on D-Day
Back home April 17
Both having counselling

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Sydney
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

I am so sorry you are here and experiencing this shock, unimaginable pain and trauma. But.....you are doing a lot of things right.
The spousal 'fog' on SI most often refers to cases of betrayal in which a married person commits adultery with another 'real' person with whom they have at least some emotional attachment. As you now know, and many of us including me can attest, there is a 'fog' with those adulterers who haven't fallen in 'love' too. There is intense denial and minimizing going on, they have used this to tell themselves that what they are doing is 'okay'. It was not, and never will be okay with me. My WH went from years of secret internet porn usage to acting out with a prostitute. His first words to me upon discovery were "aren't you glad it was only a prostitute?" Huh?
So, know that you cannot believe him. Know that he will desperately try to minimize the unacceptableness of his behavior. Know that your values and morals are right for YOU, and they should have been valued and upheld by your spouse.

I'm so happy that you are getting counseling for yourself. I, too, have always needed things to make sense. I've had to let go of that a bit, and it is very hard.
You haven't "closed the door completely" on trying to R, but neither should you hold it wide open. He has lots of work to do before you can get to that doorway. And in the end, it will be your decision. Try to take care of yourself in all the healthy ways advised here (hydration, sleep, exercise). Understand that you have no control over his behavior or thoughts. That you immediately separated I think will be helpful. It will either shock him out of his addictive and sick behavior by being faced with real life consequences, or it will help you to begin to detach from the life he is offering you now.
I'm so sorry it happened to you. I will look for more if your posts to check up on how you're doing.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 482 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

(((38)))

You did the right thing. Do not believe that he was getting ready to stop coincidental with you catching him. Trust your own instincts.

Take good care of yourself. If you have a close friend or a sister to talk to maybe do that if you feel you can truly trust someone to confide in. Have you considered seeing a therapist? It can help.

He will say whatever he wants but you know the truth, this is NOT "just words" etc.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
38yearstogether
New Member
Member # 42845
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

Talking to him last night on the phone. He says this whole thing was an attempt to improve his own erectile dysfunctions and lack of self-esteem. He says it was all for me. Hmmmm, why do I have trouble accepting that? On one hand its great that he is beginning to think about what led up to it. I can accept that may have been a part of the original reason to look at porn...but come on, really? This went on for some time. I think to set up a profile on an x rated dating site with explicit photos and to engage in posting cybersex chat for over a year is going way beyond the original intent of stimulation to help his performances with me. Unless/until he gets really real, we stay apart.


Me 54 (BS)Him 56 (WS)
Married 36 years
3 grown kids - 4 grandchildren
D-Day 11 March 2014
Cybersex multiple sites, partners
Porn addiction
Kicked him out on D-Day
Back home April 17
Both having counselling

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Sydney
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

I am in agreement with you, in so far as: he is attempting to dig, and look into what his motivations were to explore porn-sexting-etc, and what he got out of it. It's a start. And I think pretty common for the 'cornered rat' to panic and spew out whatever will spare its own ass.
He absolutely did not engage in sexually explicit cyber chatting for you. Nothing that he did that he was hiding, was being deceitful about, knew you would find objectionable, was for you. You know that, and on some level, so does he. Stay strong. Keep your focus on you. Best luck.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 482 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Adeahan
Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

I am coming from a sim situation here, my wife was talking to guys she met through Plenty of Fish, having to go through all the messages and pictures guys were sending her and the stuff she was saying to the one guy she was talking too....it almost killed me...it is stuff i well never ever forget regardless of if we R or not, i hope you are able to heal yourself and keep going, it will get better and we are here when you need to vent or anything.

Also, as a guy, i have looked at porn, i think most of us have, my wife knew, i never like threw it in her face or anything but it was still wrong, i may not have meant it to hurt her but it did, so i have stopped.

[This message edited by Adeahan at 9:29 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

38yearstogether, hugs! This isn't a journey I'd wish on anyone, but I can say that you have the best traveling companions ever!!!

IF your WH is a sex addict, then you WILL get lots of help down in the previously mentioned thread in the "I Can Relate" forum. But, of course, you can still post here. Or in General. Or in Reconciliation. You can post just about anywhere as long as you follow the instructions for each forum.

My SLAWH has been an addict since his preteen or early teen years. Of course, no one knew and no one would've called it that then, but that's what it was. Addictive behavior is not just a bad habit. It's not something that can be stopped cold turkey. And if it is, then it's not an addiction OR else it transfers to another activity.

For years and years and years, my WH contented himself with masturbation and fantasies and photos (harder to get 25-30 years ago) and make-out sessions with girls. A week after we married, I found a phone bill for $600--all calls to phone sex lines. Naive me, I thought all guys must do that and that he just couldn't wait to have "legal" sex with me. Never thought about it again because he never had phone sex again. Months later (really? when he had a beautiful, willing wife in the next room?), I found him masturbating to a fuzzy porn channel on our apartment TV. Again, I felt horrible, but I thought it was normal.

It wasn't until 8 1/2 years ago that he was diagnosed as an addict: sex, rage, food, caffeine, spending. When he worked on controlling one (by white knuckling), he'd spin out of control in another area. His drug of choice, though, was porn/fantasy. As many problems as that caused us, intimacy-wise, it seemed under control for the most part. But, like another poster said, addictions escalate. He, in the guise of 12-step "asking for forgiveness," would contact old girlfriends and several of those blossomed into emotional affairs. Then there came the time, almost 2 years ago, when the next step seemed logical to him, and he had an A. When that "love of his life" (remember, he's a sex and love addict) dropped him, he upped it another step and acted out with a prostitute and two escorts (separate encounters).

I share that with you because your WH may say that he would have stopped, but if it's truly an addiction, that's highly unlikely. And, if it's an addiction, you may have found only the tip of the iceberg. That's not to say he's actually had sex with any woman, but it's possible that this cybersex activity is a step up from plain ol' porn sites which were a step up from phone sex which was a step up from girlie magazines . . .

And, if it gives you any hope or strength at all, your WH may truly love you. The addiction is NOT about YOU; it's about HIM. You haven't failed in ANY way; he is simply broken. My WH is starting the long road back to sobriety and recovery--very slowly. It's painful. Although I don't think he's acting out in his sex addiction, he's definitely acting out. But it's easier to handle his constant computer game playing (FIFA and CivRev), than his paying for sex or cheating. Imagine that!

And I'm working on myself, too. I've been going to IC for 3 years; I've started reading anything and everything I can get my hands on regarding SA for the past 18 months; I just received my 6-month chip at S-Anon last week; and I found SI about 9 months ago.

I still feel hopeless at times, but I definitely feel loved. And as long as we're moving in the right direction, I have two teen sons still at home who need a daddy. For all of us, trying to reconcile is definitely worth it.

Good luck! Keep posting and check out other threads as new information becomes available to you. There is SO much wisdom here on SI. I'm continually amazed at how much support and comfort I get just by reading. Hugs!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 10:07 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 460 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
38yearstogether
New Member
Member # 42845
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 7th (Monday)

So today 7 April (Sydney time) was my birthday. I agreed to go to dinner with WH. Why? I guess I was hoping for some real communication over a nice dinner. What I got was more confusion and anger from him...because he thinks I have drawn conclusions about why he engaged in the cybersex. He says he doesn't understand why...but he is angry at me for thinking that it's his "bit on the side". One moment he is admitting and agreeing that he cheated on me for over a year, and the next he is saying that he did it all with the intention of improving his own performance with me. Hmmm...in my mind you can't have it both ways. If you admit to cheating, then how can you also try to say you were doing it to improve your marriage????? Is it me, or is that a warped sense of logic?


Me 54 (BS)Him 56 (WS)
Married 36 years
3 grown kids - 4 grandchildren
D-Day 11 March 2014
Cybersex multiple sites, partners
Porn addiction
Kicked him out on D-Day
Back home April 17
Both having counselling

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Sydney
strengthandhope
Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

True remorse for him would be accepting that his actions hurt you and taking steps to ensure it doesn't happen again. He is masking the real problems behind his anger. My first DD in 2008 I got similar reactions. He would stop but before too long go right back. Only in the past month has he admitted to being SA and is taking the necessary steps to heal himself. Good luck, only you can decide how much you can take.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

As long as he is angry with you, because of his behaviors, then he''s not showing remorse. Because it''s still all about him and his ability to rugsweep and search for words that will placate you. He''s actually not doing any actions that demonstrate that he''s progressing in his understanding of what his actions, his decisions, have cost you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

I agree, he is not remorseful, he is just figuring out a way to get you to accept his behavior and keep him in your life.He acts like he wants the comforts of marriage without doing the work it takes to make a good marriage..
You were fortunate in that you were able to kick your WH out..It helps to have the space in your day to day life/mind to figure things out..
My WH hasn't stopped his behavior, blames me for why he cheats..
Refuses/refused to be kicked out of the house, I have tried to multiple times...
So now I am biding my time so I can have a better outcome in divorce..Our marriage also 38 years..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:15 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

I also encountered denial when suggesting reasons that my WH had a secretive, solitary, sexual life that I did not know about (internet porn escalating to sex w/ a prostitute). Same as you, minus the anger. But WH has never displayed any anger- ever. He's just not volatile in nature. I have explained over and over to him, that for me, it's important that HE try to dig into himself to get to his real reasons. "I don't know....it was stupid" is not enough for me. So naturally, I read and read, and formulate my own hypothesis.
It's scary that he "doesn't know". How do you combat those unacceptable impulses if you don't know where they are coming from ? My WH also minimizes the facts about prostitution and pornography. He was so wrapped up in the fantasy that the illegality did not register with him. The likelihood of exposure to diseases did not register to him (and I brought up the reality if that cesspool that he went wading in over and over). That his sexual stimulation from the combination of pictures and fantasy, to the exclusion of me, was excused by him as 'pretty normal' behavior. I reiterated over and over that it isn't normal for me. His behavior should not be making me feel discarded, unattractive and not valuable.
It took a long, long time to break down his walls of justifying things that bring me so much pain. Keep hammering at it. Know that you know what is right for YOU.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 482 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
38yearstogether
New Member
Member # 42845
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Still very confused and upset.

April 16. I decided to be willing to be forgiving....told him I wanted a future together, but that forgiveness may take some time. He moved back in, and we have been going to counselling, and have been in what can only be described as a "honeymoon" phase...interspersed with my "reality checks" or "triggered interrogations".

He genuinely acts remorseful and has done everything I have asked of him so far. He has cried more in the past few months than ever in his life. He had confided some disturbing abuse that happened to him as a young boy, and the effects of feeling inadequate that followed it. I know he loves me. I can feel it. I can see it in his eyes. I really want to be able to move on...but questions keep coming up for me, and my own feelings of hurt, betrayal and not being good enough re-surface.

The problem I have is that the answers he gives to my questions are never quite the same. I do understand that the truth is a concept that has many sides to it. His truth today maybe slightly different to his truth tomorrow...(assuming he is being honest). I don't think he is trying to be difficult. Sometimes I even accept that he struggles to know or understand things himself. But when a new or different twist or turn comes up, I find myself asking more questions and finding it difficult to know what to believe and what to accept.

For example, he says that he began looking at the porn to get an idea of what other men were doing, and what they "had" (size) more than to look at the women. This he said, was because of the abuse he suffered as a child by a male family friend who was "well endowed", which caused him to question his own body and its value. He now admits that "it got out of hand" - referring to the profile on the dating site and the cybersex. My questions then were - "So what did you tell yourself as you were putting up a profile on an x-rated dating site?" "What were you looking for?" "What were you hoping to gain?" "Did you feel there was a need or desire that wasn't being fulfilled?"

But his answers only confuse me. "I wasn't looking for anything in particular...only at them." "I don't know what I wanted to gain...I was just filling in time." "No, I don't think it had anything to do with us, or that anything was missing from us."

I guess my fear is that perhaps as we have only ever had each other as partners, does he have a feeling of "missing out on variety"?

I still find it amazing that he can say "I didn't think what I was doing was hurtful." I cannot accept that. Why hide it? Why lie about it? If not for a sense of shame? Previously he has said he knew it was wrong...but kept doing it for over a year. What does that mean?

The latest question from me "You love me. You tell me I'm the only one for you - always have been, always will be the only one you ever want to touch and love and be with...so can you tell me what prompted the porn in the first place or what was the reason or why the need to look at it?"

The answer nearly made me sick. "I don't know. Isn't it something all men do?" My reply to that was "If porn is something all men do, and it leads to cybersex and/or physical sexual encounters with others, then what hope do women have for a lasting monogamous relationship with a man?...We'd better tell our daugthers and granddaughters never to trust any man, because no man deserves their trust!"...all I get from that is "no, no, no"

Previously he has used the word "curious" a lot. My question to that is "Why do you think you are curious?" I get no answer.

My gut feeling is that he does truly love me, but he lost his sense of "being a man" along the way. Not to make an excuses - (because there are none)...only me trying to get some level of understanding.. that somehow the loss of his business, the resulting bankruptcy, loss of jobs, loss of our house, living with the "secret" of childhood sexual abuse etc....built up in his mind but instead of coming to me, (the woman who has loved him throughout these life experiences, been there for him, never doubted him) he used the cheapest, most convenient way possible to stroke his own ego. He says he felt he had let me down, and needed to "make himself feel good". He says this was all about him, not me.

The result is that although I remain willing to forgive, I'm not sure it's really possible. I do love him but I see him differently and worry that he is damaged goods, and in his attempt to feel better about himself, he has damaged me and us. How can I ever trust him again? There is always a doubt, a feeling about whether he feels like he missed out on "sowing his wild oats". I feel so old, ugly and unattractive. I cannot possibly compete with all those perfect body images which are now in both our heads. Is there enough love and counselling in the world to fix my broken heart?

Sorry very long post...



Me 54 (BS)Him 56 (WS)
Married 36 years
3 grown kids - 4 grandchildren
D-Day 11 March 2014
Cybersex multiple sites, partners
Porn addiction
Kicked him out on D-Day
Back home April 17
Both having counselling

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Sydney
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

My wife did the same thing. She claimed it was out of boredom - and I had multiple D-Days. However, it ultimately escalated to a full blown PA.

The extent of it was shocking. There was clearly a lot of fantasy - the lies she told men were outrageous. But make no mistake, it was infidelity and after a time she came accept it as such.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 264 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

IMHO, you have got to have separate living arrangements with a WS who is into antonymous encounters(cybersex) if they are at all cooperative or if it is humanly possible for you to leave given your financial situation..

Either you force the WS out or leave yourself..Stay physically separated until he has proven that he has worked thru his issues to your satisfaction...He relapses, you kick him out again...

When my WS and I met with counselors, or even when we spoke alone about his why's for A, anonymous encounters, my WH was hostile, angry and blamed me for his behavior.

My WH has never found his way out of the fog, he denies that anything is wrong with his behavior and states that he did it to survive living with me..

The problem is , if we decide to live with our WH's we have to worry about their behavior escalating to something that destroys life as we know it and in a way that makes it difficult to recover..

I have made multiple attempts to kick my WH out but he refuses to leave..I can't afford to leave for the moment, I am a retiree who isn't healthy enough to work full time...I retired after 30 years of service at work so I live off of my pension..Bare bones budget....I am determined to find a careful way to leave this marriage, hopefully without destroying my livelihood in the process..My WH has NO pension..

But I feel like I am working against the clock..

Anonymous encounters, especially those that stem from porn and cyber sex usage can result in a bad very evil outcome for anybody who indulges, especially those who indulge frequently... I hope this doesn't happen with our WH's especially before we have had the chance to dodge the line of fire..

An arrest for contact with a minor, or an arrest for contact with the anonymous person who claims that the WH forcefully touched her, raped her etc... are a couple of the worries that come to my mind..

Please be careful if you have taken him back into your home/life

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:22 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Hidingmyhurt
Member
Member # 43525
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

38years...

My H has the same issue, it's all been "virtual" and never a hookup (that I know of). The problem is that even if it's only virtual, how do I know it will not one day be physical? Not to mention, it's still VERY demeaning and humiliating! It's still breaking a vow! I've focused a lot on that, the vow. His vow was to keep himself only unto me...that doesn't say keep your PHYSICAL self, itself yourself. A virtual betrayal is still a betrayal of that vow.

After 4 times being caught, I'm done. My WS also know that it is wrong, and the only answer I get is "I don't know why I did it..." in 10 years that is the only answer I've ever got.

I can tell you through conversations with male friends over the years that this is NOT something all men do. I had a male friend drop his jaw when I told him about this, because he genuinely viewed it as cheating...even before I did. "All guys do it" is a cop out.

Ultimately, there is a trust issue for me. I can't trust him. And if I can't trust him online, what makes me think I can trust him in real life. That has been my deciding factor. Oh, that and he doesn't see anything wrong with it!
ugh.


((((HUGS))))


Me: BW 39
Him: STBXWH 47
Married 10 years
2 sons, 14 and 9
DDays 2004,2008,2012 and 5/8/14

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
38yearstogether
New Member
Member # 42845
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Hi there. I'm finding forgiveness is not an easy thing to do. I find it so difficult to switch off the questions that come up every day. I think for a WS to say "I don't know why I did it" he is either unable or unwilling to get real. My WS said he would do anything...and I asked for complete honesty about absolutely everything. To me, as I already know what I know and I already feel so hurt betrayed and unattractive, the only way for real forgiveness and love to grow again is for us to both be on the same page about what happened, why it happened and how it happened...all the dirt...otherwise how do I really know what it is I am trying to forgive?

As you said Gotmegood April 10 How do you combat those unacceptable impulses if you don't know where they are coming from ?

It seems that a WS can use all sorts of dismissive comments like "I don't know why" and "All men want to look at women"...and even "I didn't realise it was so hurtful" and then "I knew it was wrong". Also the "I was so thoughtless". So what really goes on in their brains? Can they really believe what they are saying? Thoughtless? Really? I would say thoughtless is not offering any help around the home or forgetting a special occasion. This
is waaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy more than thoughtless.

This is infidelity, betrayal, deceit, demeaning, disrespectful and hurtful behaviour. It reveals a weak-minded, lazy, sneaky, self-centred "all about me" attitude. My experience of my darling husband was the total opposite for 38 years. The person I lived with and loved was kind, caring, loving, giving, strong, smart, sexy....my rock, my hero...(that's what I told him). We had no falling out, no sudden marital problems that I knew of, and that makes me feel like a fool for not seeing anything.

So the real pain is the stranger that I have discovered and the loss of the future I thought I would have with the man I thought I knew. I still love the original version of him but I am terrified of this other one. He tells me that one has gone for good. But where did he come from and how did he allow him to nearly destroy the only person he says he has ever or could love????

Do we ever really know our significant other? Or is there always a stranger looming?


Me 54 (BS)Him 56 (WS)
Married 36 years
3 grown kids - 4 grandchildren
D-Day 11 March 2014
Cybersex multiple sites, partners
Porn addiction
Kicked him out on D-Day
Back home April 17
Both having counselling

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Sydney
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Be kind to yourself, you are still early in this process..Only time will tell how things unfold..
If you have the means, prepare yourself to be okay , like yesterday, whether or not R happens..Protect yourself legally ..
With time you will be able to tell if your WH is putting in the work to deserve another chance with you..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:04 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Until an addict has 3-5 years of solid sobriety, you are still dealing with an addict, so says my counselor.

With 26 years of sobriety from alcohol and drugs, I tend to agree.

Addicts lie, compartmentalize, deny, fabricate, and live in a fantasy land...for a variety of reasons.

SOBER= Son
Of a
Bitch
Everything's
Real

And reality is a hard pill to swallow for most addicts.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Sorry double post

[This message edited by bent44 at 11:21 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
38yearstogether
New Member
Member # 42845
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

I understand there's truth in what you say that it's not about me, it's about him. But I find myself feeling ugly, fat, old, and just not good enough. I can't compete with these gorgeous young bodies he interacted with and I shouldn't have to. I feel so ashamed that I was unable to hold his interest.

I'm furious that when the going got tough, he took care of No 1. I'm so hurt that he turned away from me to "fix his problems" (he said).

He tells me every day how much he loves me and wants a future with me. This is not a bad thing to say, it's a good thing, and yet I find I get annoyed at it. Throughout the 2 year period of porn and cybersex deceit and betrayal he told me how much he loved me. He told me how beautiful I was. So what that tells me is that he compartmentalised me in his "love" box and gave himself permission to play around with his fantasy girls having "harmless fun". So I kind of feel like a puppet on a string - when he wants me I'm supposed to be there for him. But when he wants to go off and do play, I'm supposed to be forgiving.

I find it so hard to understand how he could believe that playing around with fantasy girls on the internet was going to solve the problems in his head. He tells me he knew it was wrong, and felt ashamed of it, but obviously not enough to stop.

It is my belief that although he always told me he loved me, the love had faded somehow and he convinced himself that although it was wrong, it wasn't TOO wrong. He told me that he thought I would never find out. Does that mean it would have gone on and on? We will never know. He says it became a habit. But this is more than just a bad habit.

If he truly loved me and respected me as the love of his life, then how could he continue to do this when he knew it was wrong? The sting in this story for me was when he told me that he got nothing out of it. Really? Then why continue? Denial!!! He must have got something out of it to keep the activity and the secret going.

I've never known him to be a deceitful person. I've only ever known him to be a gentle loving caring family man. So this side of him is truly shocking.

I have been trying to be forgiving, but 4 months later and I'm feeling so sad and stuck every day. He doesn't have the answers that make sense for me and I don't know if he ever will. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I wonder if I am strong enough to continue. I love him, but at times I look at him and feel such hurt and shame. He did a shameful thing. It hurt me terribly. It can't be undone. How do I ever get over the bitter disappointment of seeing this "stranger" in the only man I have ever loved? I feel like my faith and innocence in a happily ever after has been completely smashed. It's like I just found out Santa Claus doesn't exist and life will never be the same again.

[This message edited by 38yearstogether at 3:38 AM, July 28th (Monday)]


Me 54 (BS)Him 56 (WS)
Married 36 years
3 grown kids - 4 grandchildren
D-Day 11 March 2014
Cybersex multiple sites, partners
Porn addiction
Kicked him out on D-Day
Back home April 17
Both having counselling

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Sydney
Rubix
Member
Member # 44099
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Hey honey. My H is the same. I found out a month after we were married about his online cyber sex addiction. With men and women. He said the same thing. He thought it was harmless fun. He loves me that it was all just ego boosts online. Mine uses to tell me the very same thing that I was beautiful and was so caring and loving. I couldn't understand why he had done this. Currently We are trying to work on it. He would of carried on had I not have found out. I too feel the same way as you. But its him that's broken. I know its hard but please please don't blame yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. Please take care of yourself. Sending you hugs.


BW: me (25)WH: him (29-RemorsefulHubby)
kids: mine:DD 5 ours:DS new born.
Married: 6 months now seperated.
D-Day: 13/06/2014 - craigslist account. Secret hotmail account.
D-Day 2: 9/8/2014 find out he cheated a week before our wedding

Posts: 164 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Northamptonshire
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 28th (Monday)

I'm so sorry, what a shock! My original WS was doing the same things and that is what led me to this site. The internet became a trigger for me. I felt I had to monitor his phone. It was horrible. And the lies, deceit, blaming, projecting, minimizing, gaslighting; it all made me crazy.

Unfortunately, mine never came clean. I found more and more, and he never did get 100% honest with me. He didn't admit to anything I didn't find, and even then, he lied. "Curiosity, I don't know, harmless fun, just looking at the pictures" those are not the reasons why. Those are surface admissions. They don't come anywhere near the real reason for his brokenness. Mine said the same things and he expected me to be satisfied with those for answers.

I don't think he has been 100% honest with you. I think there is more digging to do. With the type of behavior your guy has been showing, there are some really deep underlying issues going on, and they will be very difficult to get to without counseling. He has shown entitlement, self-interest, the ability to lie and deceive, a lack of compassion.....and you need to know why. Why did he feel entitled to this behavior, knowing it would hurt you (and if he says he thought it was harmless and it wouldn't hurt you, he is STILL heavy into his lies because he hid it, didn't he?)

he is saying that he did it all with the intention of improving his own performance with me
Oh for crying out loud. Even his lies aren't good. I hope you were rolling your eyes at that one.....he did it because he wanted to. He did it because he enjoyed it. He did it because he was only concerned about himself and his own needs. If he wanted to improve his performance with you, then he would have discussed it with you or got a copy of the Kama Sutra or something informative. Everyone is different, you can't watch a porn video and then all of a sudden become a good lover. Porn tends to make people bad lovers, because porn isn't real and it isn't what women need. And chatting with other women doesn't tell him what YOU need. Every woman is different. He is just saying whatever he thinks you want to hear.

You will know if he has real remorse or not, because you will FEEL it. There is a huge difference between fake remorse and real remorse. I left my original WS because he wouldn't do counseling and wouldn't stop lying. Years later, I am with a new guy who had an EA. He has real remorse. He is digging deep into his issues and getting counseling. He is PATIENTLY ANSWERING EVERY SINGLE QUESTION I HAVE, OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AS MANY TIMES AS I NEED TO ASK.

He has not once tried to put the blame anywhere than where it belongs. He has reassured me that it had nothing to do with me or my attractiveness. He is working hard on his FOO issues and his self-esteem and his need for ego kibbles. He has put boundaries in place, without me even asking, in order to help me feel safe in this relationship again.

HUGE difference, between a remorseful WS and one that is trying to just do the minimum in order to rug-sweep and cake-eat.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15289 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
38yearstogether
New Member
Member # 42845
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, August 8th (Friday)

I do feel his real remorse. I have asked so many questions and he is trying to answer, but the answers don't make sense....not even to him. I am starting to get a glimpse of understanding that this whole sordid thing had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ME or my attractiveness or my worth as a person. The truth of his weakness and his lack of self-esteem and his stupidity are starting to reveal themselves to me. THIS IS NOT AND NEVER WILL EXCUSE HIS BEHAVIOUR OR HIS BETRAYAL. But I am only now after 5 months beginning to see that this was all his stuff and nothing to do with me. I want to learn to forgive because we both want a future together. It will always be there...sometimes like the elephant in the room. I want so much to be able to go back to how things were before all this...but he can't undo what he did or the hurt that it caused. I want to let go of the hurt and the injustice of it all. I want to be happy. I am striving for that now and I am determined to look after myself and make myself a priority in my own life. Hopefully with some time and counselling I can learn how to be happy. Thank you to everyone who has posted and shared their comments. I am grateful beyond words. I guess no one ever thinks that they will be betrayed, and when it happens it is so traumatising and life is never quite the same. I wish you all the very best and remind everyone who ever reads this that you are OK just the way you are and to trust yourself and your own judgement in all things. There is hope and to take care of yourself first and foremost.

[This message edited by 38yearstogether at 5:38 AM, August 8th (Friday)]


Me 54 (BS)Him 56 (WS)
Married 36 years
3 grown kids - 4 grandchildren
D-Day 11 March 2014
Cybersex multiple sites, partners
Porn addiction
Kicked him out on D-Day
Back home April 17
Both having counselling

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Sydney
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, August 8th (Friday)

There are a lot of men who do this to get cheap thrills, and they're not 'sex addicts.'

Sometimes when things are plentiful and right there in their laps (like the entire internet with all kinds of sites like these), the temptation is too great and they seek out whatever pitiful thrills they can get with anyone who'll give them some attention.

You see this a lot especially with those men who feel so 'deprived' because their wives can't change into a different woman every day of the week and they're 'bored' with the same body year after year.

That just makes these guys assholes, not 'sex addicts.'

I can't believe how every single guy that's caught cheating is now claiming to be a sex addict in order to shove the blame for their sleazy behavior on something else. Sheesh.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
gotcha
Member
Member # 44304
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, August 8th (Friday)

Hi 38. Hugs to you.

I've been in your position before and I'm glad you are standing your ground. I made the mistake of not taking into account that cybersex and a lot of it could be a problem that leads to worse sexual transgressions like prostitues, casual encounters etc.
Unfortunately for me, my H eventually moved on from porn to web cam girls and the same things in your OP/cybersex to prostitues and strippers.

I really don't think any excuse for having cybersex is a good excuse when you have a significant other.

Stay strong


Me - 27 BS
Him - 26, SAWH
DS, 9 months
Married Aug 2013, together for 6 years prior
DDay- June 25th 2014
Countless backpage escorts in 1st year of marriage, pre-M affairs and flings (just finding out), web cam girls, you name it.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 39