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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Threatening Custody. help.
MichelleRenee
Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 21st (Friday)

On the advice of my lawyer I refused my stbx's request of helping him save our home that I awarded him in the divorce. He immediately told me that he's not "playing nice" anymore and that he's taking me back to court for more custody. He says that now that he's not working that we can do 50/50 (right now it's 70/30. Currently he gets 3 weekends/month & every weekend in the summer. Plus 2 vacation weeks a year and every other holiday. We currently live 1 hour apart. I am sick to my stomach & terrified. I cannot lose out on more time with my son. He's only 9. My son also does not want more time away from me. What do you think will happen? Our judge, btw, was very "Father Friendly" which scares the crud out of me.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Mine did the same thing. And the first time it happened, I was terrified. I was bawling on the phone with my mother, afraid that he was going to take her from me.

I can't remember what he was mad about, but it was something where he didn't get his way, and he threatened that he wanted her 50/50 physical custody. I think he asked for her for an overnight, and he doesn't get overnights according to our decree.

Luckily for me, and I hope you do this too, but I kept track of every single time he had visitation with my daughter. It showed that he takes her less than he is entitled to. And by less than he's entitled to, I mean average of 1 visit per month.

After speaking with my lawyer, she said that no judge would ever remove custody from a mother and give 50/50 to a father that didn't even use the visitation he was entitled to.

So I waited him out. The court appearance letter never arrived in the mail. I never heard another word about it.

Can you imagine how this conversation would go?

Judge: Mr. Dumbass, why do you think that you should get more custody?

Mr. Dumbass: Well, MichelleRenee would not help me save my home that she awarded me in the divorce.

Judge: Pardon me?

Mr. Dumbass: Yes. And since she would not give me money towards an asset that is not even hers anymore, I want 50/50 custody.

I mean seriously!!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3351 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Based on the stories I've read over the years, courts aren't likely to change a custody arrangement that's been in place and working well unless there is some compelling reason. Him being unemployed is not a compelling reason.

There are compelling reasons to keep it as is, however. The current schedule has been working. And your genius STBX is the one who asked for the current arrangement anyway.

It just isn't logical. I think he's making a knee-jerk, vindictive threat. He knows what you value most, and since you didn't bow to his wishes, he's trying to scare you.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25386 | Registered: Aug 2011
MichelleRenee
Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Logically that makes sense, Sparky, but I'm just absolutely terrified. I just don't know what to do anymore.... And my stbx does take all his visitation except for a 3 week period last Nov when he took a trip to Ohio to visit his homewrecker. Also, in the divorce, my stbx insisted i stop home schooling which the judge sided with him on. So now my stbx is saying that we'll keep homeschooling so he can have him 50/50 & also do work with him. That doesn't sound like very good consistency to me. Flip flopping homes & trying to keep schoolwork on track. I just feel sick....and as we speak my stbx is texting me about this crap. I cannot keep my sanity any longer...I just can't.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
MichelleRenee
Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, March 21st (Friday)

He's doing an amazing job at scaring me, nowiknow... very amazing job. and he's currently texting me that I don't think of anybody but myself!!!! HE CHEATED. I GAVE him OUR home. Yet he still manages to threaten & put all this on ME! I'm shaking. I'm literally shaking.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Did you get any of that via text/email? If you did, it''s great to show that his motivation is not the child''s welfare, but revenge...

Also, he''s got no job? How''s he going to afford the lawyer and court fees? Can he afford to support your son for 50% of the time? Is he paying CS? And is he up to date? Did he lose his job because he quit/was fired? - that doesn''t go down well with a judge if you can prove it

I know I''d been terrified if that happened to me...but wait until you actually get a summons. Remember,liars lie, so you ignore their words/threats and wait for their actions. If he''s a lazy can''t be arsed type, chances are he won''t get round to it.

But sending you hugs for a horrid situation


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1000 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, March 21st (Friday)

*crickets* to him.

Turn your phone off for a while if you need to. He's trying to upset you, and is doing a good job. Shut him down.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7813 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, March 21st (Friday)

We currently live 1 hour apart. . . . . He's only 9.

First of all I would any judge would be a parent to get a job so that they could help support their child (the only times I could see that not be warranted is in cases where a parent was the stay at home parent). But this 1 hour apart and your child being 9 makes me assume that your son is enrolled in a school. So the judge would still have to look at the hardship of your son with 2 hrs of commuting a day for a 50-50. No judge or school system would support a one week here and another week at a different school.

Now you said your judge is family friendly yet he only awarded your XH 30% of the time. As a father I don't see that as being father friendly. So there must have been a reason for that ruling and I can't believe it was because your XH was working.

Was your XH stupid enough to have corresponded to you in text message or email where you have proof of his declaration to not play nice? Does your XH lose your old home? Does he have a residence? Can he show he can support himself? I understand how you are scared, you need to work with the facts and your lawyer though and see what happens. Your lawyer should be able to size the chances of his success.



AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52213 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
MichelleRenee
Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, March 21st (Friday)

thank you softcentre. he was fired. he hasn't paid any c/s in a couple months & even before that he only paid partial. his threats are verbal. the only thing he texted was how I was being selfish and that the house is for our son etc etc. i don't think he's dumb enough to threaten via text.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 21st (Friday)

his threats are verbal.
Stop talking to him. Let all his calls go to voice mail so you have a record of him messages.

Huge hugs, honey. I know this is terrifying you. Just keep breathing. Deal with what you have right now - a bunch of hot air and threats. ((((MR))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25386 | Registered: Aug 2011
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Well you were under no obligation to help support him and his dwelling after the settlement. He is just a bit entitled and manipulating you to feel guilty about his inability to provide.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52213 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
MichelleRenee
Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 21st (Friday)

MovingUpward, the judge awarded the custody exactly as my stbx asked for it. since he was working full time during trial it was custody that worked for him. Now that he's unemployed he's saying he can have 50/50.
And no, he is not threatening via text. I am trying to call my lawyer but can't get him right now.
As far as schooling - I was able to homeschool this year but according to our court papers he needs to go back to regular school next year. That was my stbx's request - not mine.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 21st (Friday)

I know it's upsetting. I'm a pretty strong person, but his threat just shook me to the core. I was crying and shaking, and calling my mother and friends and texting my lawyer to calm me down.

He won't follow through, especially if he's behind in CS? Even though they are 2 separate issues, they are NOT going to take him away from you and give your DS to him, especially under these circumstances.

He's lashing out at you for something that most likely has nothing to do with you. He wants to engage with you, and he keeps poking. Don't give him a response.

I swear, every time my XWH has a fight with the OW, he tries to stir shit up with me. And he gets crickets every time.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3351 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Ok so...you can show that he''s not concerned about the welfare of your child because he''s not paying CS and is making no effort to get a job (ie, he actually plans to stay unemployed so he can get 50% custody )

Courts do not like CS liable parents who get themselves fired, do not pay CS and intend to stay unemployed...especially if he is likely to soon be homeless. He will not get an increase in custody


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1000 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, March 21st (Friday)

They also don't like people who get rulings going their way (the current custody arrangement AND the change from homeschooling to public school) and then try to undo it all just a short time later.

He. Is. Delusional.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25386 | Registered: Aug 2011
MichelleRenee
Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, March 21st (Friday)

I pray pray pray that you guys are right. I just can't even function right now. I knew he'd be evil when I told him that i wouldn't help him but this is worse than i imagined. i don't know what to do...any and all dealings with him give me so much anxiety. i cannot handle this.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 21st (Friday)

I'm with Softcenter.

He's about to lose his home.
He's unemployed.
Yet he has the $$$ to take you back to court to get 50/50? Yes he has no money to put a roof over his head (and therefore his kids' heads 50% of the time)?

He's saying this to scare you into helping him wiht the house. Ignore his dumb arse until you see actual documents from a court regarding custody. I'd bet my next paycheck that (as usual)he's just spewing words. No action.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
ThisHell
Member
Member # 37089
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, March 21st (Friday)

I'll tell you what you CANNOT do.... you cannot GIVE IN to him! and you have got to stop answering the phone. He does NOT have a leg to stand on and he does not deserve the energy you are putting into this being afraid. He knows what he's doing! And you are falling for it...

I totally get it. I have been there. Recently as a matter of fact. But thing is, until you get a summons or whatever it is, you need to focus on giving him no air time. Crickets. Do not engage in conversation. If you feel you must, email only! I might be inclined to email him "regarding this matter" and inform him that he got as he asked for in the decree. The house was given to him and is his, and only his responsibility. That you will not tolerate being "verbally abused" on the phone, and due to his behavior in that way, you feel the only way to correspond in a healthy fashion is through email.

Let him respond to that where you have his response in written form and THEN he will really have hung himself. Be polite but firm in your boundaries and remember anything you write will possibly be read by a judge so take care, but it might help to rope him into a written tirade that can be helpful to you should he actually make the attempt to do something with the courts...I think he is totally bluffing to bully you...


Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 292 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, March 21st (Friday)

..any and all dealings with him give me so much anxiety. i cannot handle this.

So do not deal with him. Do not read his texts or emails, do not take his phone calls. If DS is with you, there is no reason for communication at all. If this weekend is his time with DS, have someone else do the exchange if possible. If stbx complains that he can't get a hold of you, save it as proof that he cannot care for DS for one weekend without help, how does he expect to do 50/50. NO VERBAL COMMUNICATION!!! It will save your sanity.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1779 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
MichelleRenee
Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Ok, ThisHell, I will no longer verbally speak with him. Text only. I don't know his new email since we used to use his job email to correspond & he no longer has that... Now I get to be a nervous wreck each time I check the mail - waiting to see if I get papers. I'm already a nervous wreck every time my phone beeps or rings. I'm constantly on edge with what I'll have to deal with next from him. It's amazing how 1 human can literally ruin your entire life.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
MichelleRenee
Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, March 21st (Friday)

yes Gemini - it's his weekend with our son. Which means I have to see him. That makes me nauseous. I know he's not going to let this go...


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Also, in the divorce, my stbx insisted i stop home schooling which the judge sided with him on. So now my stbx is saying that we'll keep homeschooling so he can have him 50/50 & also do work with him.
So your son is in public/private school now in your area right? If this does go to court, which I doubt it will, make sure you point out that your son has adjusted very well to public school and has plenty of friends. It is not in his best interest to take him OUT of public/private school now and return to home schooling. Your husband asked for this, got it, and now wants to go back to the previous arrangement. I think a judge would see through this charade and your L should be able to word it to point out exactly what is happening if it comes to it. Either way keep records of all discussions, back up voicemails, and back up texts. I think you are fine.

By the way you should look into getting CS enforcement after his ass for late payments. See how much time he has to harass you from a jail cell because of back child support.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:24 PM, March 21st (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1904 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, March 21st (Friday)

it's his weekend with our son. Which means I have to see him
Is there anyone who can go with you for the hand off so you don't have to face him alone?

Is there a voice recording app on your phone? If so, turn it on before you get out of your car and carry your phone with you. If he says anything ANYTHING to you in person, you want a record of it.

(((((MR))))) Sending you strength, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25386 | Registered: Aug 2011
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, March 21st (Friday)

...a nervous wreck every time my phone beeps or rings. I'm constantly on edge with what I'll have to deal with next from him. It's amazing how 1 human can literally ruin your entire life.

I'm so with you on this. My XH is quite adept at phone harrassment too. My anxiety was so bad that I was often unable to answer my phone at work. I actually had to talk to my supervisor and requisition a phone with a caller ID display, so I could see who was calling.

I still panic when I see his name in my email box or when the phone shows his number. I think it's a PTSD thing. Sadly.

I'm sorry your STBX is such a collosal jackass.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7813 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 21st (Friday)

MR-

Let's try to break this down, and look at the facts:

You gave up the house to him, per his request
You agreed to put you DS in school next year, per his request
His visitations are per his request

Judge granted all of that

NOW the facts are:

You, and DS, live 1 hr away from him
He is behind on CS payments
He will be losing his house
He was fired/has no job so that means still no CS and he has no place to have DS
He wants to request 50/50 b/c ????

A judge WILL NOT grant one week on/off with a school aged child

A judge WILL force him to get up to speed on CS

A judge WILL NOT give MORE custody to a parent who will have no where to live

A judge WILL NOT change the status quo just b/c a douche bag demands it - doesn't work that way

So, sweetie, you should (need to) turn off your phone on him. Text only.

As hard as it is, TRY not to panic until you actually see court papers (which I doubt will happen)

Let your L know what is going on now, so he/she has a heads up

Try NOT to engage with him when he comes to pick up DS. DS is 9, can he just go out to the car by himself?

Bullies will bully as long as they know they can.

Cut him off at his knees (personally I'd aim higher )

You've got this MR, and we will back you up all the way!

Sending strength.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, March 21st (Friday)

BTW, you can set your cell phone so that all calls from his number go directly to voicemail without ringing


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1000 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
POed
Member
Member # 2450
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, March 21st (Friday)

If you can't have someone there at the exchange, be on the phone with someone (even if it's fake), involved in a serious conversation. Act distracted by the call and like you are in a hurry.

Posts: 836 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: St. Louis, MO
neverbeokay
Member
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, March 21st (Friday)

This really makes me angry, your WH knows exactly what is most important to you so he tries to manipulate you with it.

It's really hard to imagine that he would get 50-50 under these circumstances - he will eventually get a job, right?- and he would have to come up with reasons why it is in the best interest of the child to change custody at this point.

I know you are scared, my kids mean everything to me too. I would not be surprised though if he is just using this is a tactic and if you don't fall for it he will move on to something else. FWIW my ex was the same in that he knew how to push my buttons. But he didn't follow through.


Posts: 294 | Registered: Sep 2005
badd
Member
Member # 23468
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)

How are you doing this morning?

About his insane request, Stop. BREATHE. You will be fine.

I looked through some of your old messages, and remember he threatened to quit his job and go on disability before, IN WRITING! You should still have those texts. Give them to your Lawyer. He has threatened this before.

STOP answering the phone. Let him spew all of this in writing again.

He got what he wanted. You have been preparing your kids for school, now he is going to have to live with it! NO judge is going to agree to home schooling against your wishes, especially if it has to be split with a man who one minute ago was adamantly against it. Schooling needs to be collaborative and consistent, you two could never communicate well enough to manage that, and you have plenty of proof of that as well (seriously, he said get out with HIS 3 children so he can start his new life in your home? Are your other kids in school? I see there are three, why are you only been talking about the 9 year old? What about the 17 and 12 year old?

also, having a disabled plate only says he needs parking close by, which is a VERY long way from being able to file successfuly for disability, and again, you have that threat in writing. Don't panic.

How did the exchange go? have you spoken with your Lawyer yet?

ETA He is behind on CS and the ink is literally not dry on your decree? THIS guy is a piece of work! In order to change the custody agreement HE requested, he would have to be a model citizen, and that does NOT include missing CS or SS payments, bullying your ex into helping save the home you are losing due to irresponsibility, or threatening as a result to take your kids away to live, um, where? and um, with who? The woman who stole her own kids, so the cops appeared at your home looking for her? seriously, he stands to lose huge here. He clearly needs more time to find work! What a turd!

[This message edited by badd at 9:20 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 130 | Registered: Apr 2009
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)

I have to wonder how he plans to pay his legal bills if he decides to take you back to court...


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49480 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
MichelleRenee
Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)

Good morning all and thank you for all the suggestions & support. Believe it or not a lot of what you are saying is making me feel better - looking at this logically and not emotionally (which is freaking HARD to do when it's your kids on the line). This morning i woke up with horrific anxiety and am trying to stay busy. So,to answer a few questions...
- I only talk about the 9 yr old because he is my ex's only bio child with me. He is my 2nd marriage. My first marriage ended much nicer (no cheating) and we are still buddies.
- yes, i do have somebody to go on custody exchanges with me. My 1st XH actually does 1/2 of the Friday exchange since he lives near my 2nd XH. I also have my 17 yr old who comes with me all the time.
- I have not gone after him for child support yet because he's currently unemployed & having the c/s build up is better than him going for a modification. He still owes me all the money & will have to pay eventually.
- i'm not sure if i have a recorder on my phone. i'll look.
- to woundedby2. i know exactly what you are saying. i was just telling my mom that i feel i have PTSD. I have horrendous anxiety whenever my phone goes off or i open my email. on Thursday I began getting really sick because I know I have to deal with him on Friday. Sunday is worse because I cannot relax until i get my son back from him.
Thank you all for the continuing support. Lord knows I need and appreciate it. I'm going to see Divergent soon - hopefully that will keep by brain occupied for a bit =)


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)

((((MichelleRenee)))) Glad you are feeling somewhat better. Sending you tons of strength, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25386 | Registered: Aug 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)

If you can arrange it-silence is a wonderful ringtone for the entitled bunch. It is the best thing I did for myself-I never knew when he called, and I could plan my anxiety attacks for a time when I could handle them.

Take all communication back to email. If he calls you, follow it up with an email verifying what he said. If he announces that he's taking you to court to Chang custody to 50/50 because now he is unemployed and has time to homeschool.
XH,
In our discussion to tonight, you notified me of the following.

Your currently unemployed and as a result have more time to be able to homeschool DS 50 percent of the time. That would require a change in our custody arrangement as well as DS's school situation. You indicated that you will be taking me back to court to make these changes.

When I did this with XH, he'd blow his stack and would respond with threats via email! I handed all of them to my lawyer-she had an eye opening experience. She passed them on to XH's attorney-when I was accused of parental alienation! His attorney started treating me like I was the sane one - instead of XH being the sane one.

I felt validated. And that helped me to regain my composure.

You've got this-there are too many things stacked against him to get awarded a change in custody.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5112 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)

Everyone has already said this, but don't worry unless and until you are served the papers.

And I'm with the others. This isn't going to happen. It cost MONEY to file for custody/more custody. And he has NO money and NO job.

Where is your son going to live 50% of the time? In the car with his dead-beat-bum-of-a-dad?

I can hear him now:

"Yeah, your honor, I know I'm several months behind in child support and I know I don't see my kid as often as I'm allowed now and I know I'm about to lose my house and I know I don't have any money, and no I don't have a job... but I'm pissed off at my ex-wife because I think she should give me money and she won't, so my kid needs to suffer because I said so."



It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
CheshCat
Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)

A couple of people have said a judge won't grant week on & off with a school aged child.

That's not true.

That's what I have.
Not what I wanted... But it's a thing with court... You NEVER know what a judge will order.
Heck, I spent 40k proving my x is abusive (super abusive, kids and I in the hospital abusive)... And my ex STILL has 50% custody.

So... Are your fears valid?
Yep.
You're not crazy.
BUT you don't have to live in them.

USE them.

"This is my fear of what will happen".
Okay.
Talk with your attorney about your fears.
See if there is a way to combat them.
(Those threatening texts & emails MAY help, other judges don't care if he's blackmailing you. Dad wants half custody? Dad's got it).

Do as much as you can.
And then assume the worst will happen.
And REVEL in all of the "extra" time you have until then... Instead of despairing over what may be.

A lot easier said than done.
But trust me... If ex worst happens... It's even harder looking at all the time you wasted by being upset BEFORE it happens.

Chesh


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
Caretaker1
Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)

No way he files and if so, no way he gets 50. Was this a finalized divorce?

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
Eranda
Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

I know that it's unlikely for a judge to change custody so drastically on a whim like this- BUT it's not realistic to say it never happens. IT DOES.

Get the wrong judge on the wrong day and you could lose your kids. It's happened to me.

Don't be so sure that things will go your way- just prepare, prepare, prepare- and GET A LAWYER YESTERDAY.

Don't be stupid like I was and assume you know what a judge will do. Judges are unpredictable and shit happens.

I'm not saying it will- in fact it's very unlikely. But that doesn't mean you ignore his threats, it means you take them very seriously and act in the best interests of you and your kid(s).

And DO NOT assume ANYTHING.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4227 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
MichelleRenee
Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

ok...now i'm terrified. i hate to hear that some of you lost so much time with your kids. our judge seemed like (and did) give into every request my ex made. he even offered him Wednesday night dinners which my ex refused due to overtime at work.

and no, our divorce isn't even final yet. my ex hasn't signed the papers - claims he never got them.

i have a lawyer. i am keeping a log of everything that happens. unfortunately my ex doesn't threaten via text or email so it'll be his word against mine and he's a very manipulative narcissistic sociopath. He's the kind of person that everybody likes and he always gets his way but his true being is simply scandalous.

so! today was HORRIFIC. my ex was an hour & 1/2 LATE to child swap. PLUS he brought his homewrecker whom he allowed to SMOKE in the car with my kids!!! Then he, without prior warning, decided tonight was the night we'd meet! I was caught so off guard! We have never met nor spoke - nothing! She walks over to my car all smug and smiling. I told her that i didn't know what would happen in the future (as far as us getting along) but that tonight was NOT the time. - our son was SO angry & upset that his dad did that to me. he jumped in my car and refused to look at or say goodbye to my ex. I simply told me ex that he obviously had no idea at how his behavior is affecting all of us.

And the worst! My poor baby broke into tears AGAIN and told me that his dad ignored him again this entire weekend too! He leaves our son downstairs playing video games alone while he's upstairs doing God knows what. I am heartbroken for me baby. I don't know what to do.


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 24th (Monday)

Michelle -- big hugs, it is so awful when your babies are hurting!

Please, dear, just because he is calling does NOT mean you must answer the phone. It does not mean you have to talk to him.

Just because he wants tonite / right now to be when you meet and talk, it does not mean you have to do it. It does not.

If he catches you in person, you can say, You'll have to contact my lawyer about that. (If your little one is there, you can say "please". Otherwise, FTG).

Think of it this way: you have an advantage over him. He only wants to talk because (1) he knows he can manipulate you and make you feel bad and (2) he knows it's safer for him. If you don't let him talk to you, he's stuck -- he has to put it in writing (email is best) or TALK to your lawyer. If he won't email or talk to your lawyer, he won't get what he wants (= getting off on being cruel to you and your DS) because he can't talk to you.

Practice -- with a friend, or in front of a mirror -- saying very calmly: You'll have to contact my lawyer about that.

Do what the other SIers have suggested to help you not talk to him on the phone: change his ringtone to silence. Send his calls automatically to voicemail. Have someone else listen to them and decide which ones your lawyer should hear(do you have a good friend who can do this?).

And don't wait around 90 minutes for this freakin jagoff to pick up his kid. 15 - 20 minutes tops, then send him an email: So sorry you could not make it to get DS. We waited til (time).

And then LEAVE. Are you doing the pickups somewhere that there are witnesses who can see when you arrive and leave? How about the local police station


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 24th (Monday)

A couple of people have said a judge won't grant week on & off with a school aged child.
That's not true.

That's what I have.

^^^I have 50/50 custody and this arrangment as well but stbxww and I both live in the same city and school zone. MichelleRenee and her EX live 1 hour apart. I am no L but I don't believe a court is going to order week on week off when the parents live in different cities/school zones. She has primary custody and the kids are in school in her area so I think she is good. Yes, her ex could ask for addtional time in the summer but she should crass that bridge if it even gets to that point.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:01 PM, March 24th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1904 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 24th (Monday)

A couple of people have said a judge won't grant week on & off with a school aged child.
That's not true.
That's what I have.

We have 50/50 with Stepson - but we only got that because we were willing to drive him to the school bus every school day and pick him up afterwards.

Your Xh is an hour away - that just will not work on a day to day basis to get your son to school and back.

Now, if he moves closer / within the school district, then that would put him in a better position to get the 50/50.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

He's saying this to scare you into helping him with the house.

Yes. He's obviously short of cash. And in CS arrears, too. Fathers sometimes threaten a fight over custody in order to scare mothers into accepting less child support than would be their due, or even into abandoning the attempt to get it.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 11:08 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2113 | Registered: Mar 2009
MichelleRenee
Member
Member # 38880
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Yesterday & today have been emotionally exhausting. He's given up trying to get me to co-sign mortgage help for the house. His new thing is having his lawyer send me an "offer" of $200/month c/s and no spousal. Mind you he's ordered to pay $300 spousal and $577 c/s. He's horribly behind on payments. Unfortunately since he never signed the divorce papers he's now obviously refusing to sign until he gets his way. It looks like we're headed to court because $200 TOTAL a month is like a slap in the face. He is actually saying that I'M not playing fair by not accepting his $200 and that if we have to go to court then let's go. I am ignoring his texts and just going through my lawyer. But my anxiety is through the roof!


Me - 37
lying cheating a-hole - 36
kids - 17,12,10
D-day 3/25/2013
Filed for divorce 3/26/2013

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Chatsworth, Ca
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Mind you he's ordered to pay $300 spousal and $577 c/s.

If he's already been ordered to pay those amounts, if he isn't doing so, he is in contempt.
He can try to change the final decree since it isn't signed yet, but until there's a new order in place, he owes you that money.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

He's playing chicken with you, honey. He is trying to scare you into accepting what he wants. Don't waver - if you have to go to trial, do it. It's worth the fight.

Sending you strength and comfort, hon. ((((MR))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25386 | Registered: Aug 2011
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Typically, once a custody schedule is set, a judge will only change if the parent wanting the change can show that it's in the best interest of the child. so work on it from that standpoint and determine why it would NOT be best for your child, i.e disruptive to your schooling, disruptive of his friends/sports schedule, etc. Don't be afraid to get a psychologist involved on your side to give an evaluation or testify on your behalf.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

MR.

If he said the sky is orange-would you believe him?

The sky isn't orange it's blue. Just because he says something -doesn't mean it's true. Let him threaten all he wants via text or email just do not talk to him. When he starts on CS or visitation or anything else that should be handled by your attorney.... Tell him " I've got to go" and hang up! If he's calling you names or yelling-hang up!

If you need permission I'll give it! You deserve to be treated better.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5112 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 47