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User Topic: Karma..... fate.... or just plain bad luck?
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Concerned  Posted: 10:07 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

So....during IC.... I came to a slight epiphany... where I mentioned to my therapist that my life just seems to be getting more and more difficult. All of my friends and family constantly tell me.... "Things will get better" "Everything will start to look up" "Don't worry....this just a rough patch in your life..." I'm sure most of you have heard these things too or something similar to the effect.

We all hope and pray for the existance of karma. We want our WS's and their partner's to pay or at least feel some sort of pain or remorse for what they did....whether it be in the form of emotional regret...or current life difficulties. But, what about our own karma? Are there really peaks and valleys in life......or are there peaks....valleys....and bottomless pits of despair?? Are they self-created? Do we control how far we fall? Or is there a purpose for the pain and the difficulties that we face in life... are these tests to make us stronger? Or tests to see how long it takes until life finallly finds our breaking point? I don't know. I've lost all my belief.... and what I used to have that I called faith....and hope.... and dreams..... seems to have gotten lost in the darkness along the way somehow....

I like to think of myself as a good person. I try to treat others as I want to be treated.... but many times...that makes me a doormat rather than a good person. People in this day and age use good people to get what they want....or take advantage of them for their own personal gain.

I trusted so much for so long....that I don't know what to trust anymore. I don't trust just about anyone..... including my own intuition....my own gut... my own anything. I'm trying not to "have a moment" right now.... but I'm starting to feel hopeless again. I recently found out my health insurance for my daughter and I was going to go up to about $100 out of pocket per month... and my student loan payments that I had suspended and lowered so that I could withstand 6 weeks of unpaid maternity leave without the wrath of my XWH coming after me legally.... are now going back up. I know that $400 to most people is not much.... but that was my grocery money... and I'm very thankful that I was smart enough to not take a vacation this year and put away some of my tax money as a buffer to help us survive.

I am and have been looking for another job.... but its not as easy as one would think. I need stability.... so I can't take something that's unpredictable or commission-based. I love my job....but now with the insurance increase...my raise is moot. I will be making less money per month than I did when I started over 2 years ago.

As most of you know ....I moved in with my dad in February. I am very grateful for this.....otherwise....I would be drowning in debt far worse than I am now. I've done the math.....and food will be hard to afford.

I am 34 years old... and have come to terms that I am not where I want to be in life..... and may never find someone to share it with other than my current family and daughter. Who would want me? I don't think I would.

I live in a town where jobs are scarce..... the available decent men are taken... and the choice of moving is not really an option right now since I'm struggling as badly as I am. I don't even know why I'm writing this other than to just get it off my chest. I feel hopeless.... and helpless.... I work hard and have come far and my boss seems much more pleased with me which I'm glad about.... but it doesn't change anything.

The other night.....my daughter was screaming and being so difficult when I was out with friends just visiting. My patience was so limited.....but I kept my cool...and when I got her to bed..... I laid in bed and cried. Sometimes being a single mom is so so SO very hard. People don't realize how nice it would be to ONE night....where I don't have be the one to give her a bath.....or make her dinner.... or put her to bed.... or deal with the tantrum.....or worry about the bills. Sometimes...I get so jealous.....of real families... because sometimes...finding the inner strength to be the mommy and the daddy.... can be really daunting to my soul.... but I will do it. For her. This is all for her. She is what keeps me....moving forward. The only thing.

I expect 2x4's and whatever else but I think my mind just needed to sort this out in words....and purge it onto cyber paper if you will. I have no motivation.... other than to be heard. Thank you for listening.

I need a miracle. Goodnight SI.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:15 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, March 24th (Monday)

(((Shelly)))

It sucks when things keep piling on top of you and it feels like the suckiness will never end.


It won't rain all the time
The sky won't fall forever
And though the night seems long
Your tears won't fall forever

Jane Siberry - It Can't Rain All The Time



Its a bit naff (from The Crow movie ) but when I am in a rut that seems never ending, for some reason this song runs through my head.


(((Shelly))) - double dose of hugs.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, March 24th (Monday)

Just wanted to say, you have been heard.

This too shall pass. It's hard work, focus on the future.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, March 24th (Monday)

((HUGS!))

It will get better, I promise you! First of all, try to remember that your dd is at her most physically challenging stage in her life (for you). She is a separate human being, complete with her own developing thoughts and actions, but you still need to do 99% of everything for her. I swear to you, it gets better. Can your dad help? Serious question. My mom could help with my little ones, but my dad was pretty worthless with babies/toddlers. He is MUCH better with older kids.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, March 24th (Monday)

(((Shelly)))

Cry it out tonight, and in the morning, be thankful for the blessings you have in life - a safe place to live at very little cost, a recent raise that will help off set the increase in expenses, a day care you are happy with that allows you to work and run after work, a daughter and a dad who are great family, a job that you can go to every day (even if it's not ideal, don't discredit the value of this - 1, it's a check, and 2, there are a lot of studies that show job searching while employed is much more likely to lead to finding something than job searching while unemployed - hiring biases exist!).

What about odd jobs that would pay cash to supplement what you're earning from work? Weekend in-your-home baby sitting when you'd already be watching Piper? Evening tutoring in math for school aged kids or accounting for local college kids? Advertise on Care.com as a personal assistant available to run errands for the elderly, etc.?

I know it's not ideal, but if it's the difference between feeding your daughter Top Ramen every night and being able to afford some veggies and meat to put on the table, it might be worth it.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, March 24th (Monday)

It may not be the most popular view on SI, but I'm not a big believer in "karma" per se. To ME, it feels like playing God a little, like I'm the one judging that what my did was soooooo bad that he should be "punished". I feel that is out of my control. Therefore, I don't waste ANY energy thinking about karma.

I send out the negative thoughts and I bring in the positive. For the most part, it really works for me. I'd say 90% of the time I am a very positive person. People ask me all the time, "How do you do it?" My response is, "This is just what works for me. Staying in the past does me no good and I can't see what is in front of me."

Now, after losing my latest dating prospect, I allowed myself to feel down, eat ice cream and just feel…sad. But, right back up this morning positive, sending him positive thoughts if I think about him, eating healthy and looking forward.

It is a work in progress, but I try to look for the sunshine.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 24th (Monday)

I think of karma as reaping what you sow. So for example with my xWH "karma" is a leopard not changing it spots, a cheater marrying a cheater, a liar marrying a liar, a schemer marrying a schemer etc. Nothing good ever comes of those sort of games. But I also believe the universe gives back. No man is an island, and if you are a shit person, you will have to swing on that monkey vine from place to place, person to person whatever, to stay ahead. And think about it, isn''t that how we see those unremorseful WS? When the going gets tough, they get going?

As for the twin pillars of count your blessings, choose positive thoughts over negative ones. Well yeah, sure. Both of those, always.

But I have sympathy for how hard living in fear is. That''s different from having a set back or two. It''s easy to choose positive when there''s only one negative to put to bed. But when you are embattled, you have to choose positive 100 million times a day, have to choose positive everywhere you look. That is just exhausting. I know. No 2x4s from me.

Honestly? I get through it purely by saying "well, it could be worse, I could be ... homeless, older, fatter, not have my health." Seriously, I know technically comparing yourself to others is a slippery slope but in this instance, this is what stops my complete pity party and allows me to reframe somewhat.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, March 24th (Monday)

If your student loan debt is high relative to your income, you may qualify for the Income-Based Repayment Plan, or any of the other repayment plans available.

My student loans went from over $600/mo to $35/mo, based on my income and 2 person household (me and DD).

This is no joke, and is not a scam. Go to www.studentloans.gov and you'll need your federal student loan PIN, which if you have student loans, you already have a PIN, then you apply for the income based repayment plan. You can even electronically transfer over your tax return info from the IRS for faster approval.

Advantages of IBR
Pay based on what you earn—Under IBR, your monthly payment amount will be 15 percent of your discretionary income, will never be more than the amount you would be required to pay under the 10-year Standard Repayment Plan, and may be less than under other repayment plans.

Interest payment benefit—If your monthly IBR payment amount doesn’t cover the interest that accrues (accumulates) on your loans each month, the government will pay your unpaid accrued interest on your Direct Subsidized Loans or Subsidized Federal Stafford Loans (and on the subsidized portion of your Direct or FFEL Consolidation Loans) for up to three consecutive years from the date you began repaying your loan under IBR.

Limitation on the capitalization of interest—While you have a partial financial hardship, interest that accrues but is not covered by your loan payments will not be capitalized, even if interest accrues during a deferment or forbearance.

25-year forgiveness—If you repay under IBR and meet certain other requirements, any remaining balance will be forgiven after 25 years of qualifying repayment.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, March 24th (Monday)

I have never wished ill will on my ex, and I am very careful about having any thoughts wishing of negativity on other people. I kinda feel like it comes back on you. IE: if you hope and wish for bad things for your ex and OW, you are the one who ends up having a rough time. Don't know if this is true, but I just don't wish on others what I wouldn't want wished on myself.

Also, there comes a time we need to stop making excuses and make changes instead.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 24th (Monday)

The day that Shelly has only one emotocon is seriously sad day. I am sorry you are feeling so down.

Forget about other people's karma. It's between them their maker. Comparing and feeling the unfairness is natural to an extent but it really holds us back in the end.

You are doing so much that is good and right. I can imagine that caring for a toddler is one of the hardest times in parenting. It's going to change for the better. Hang in there!



BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, March 24th (Monday)

The day that Shelly has only one emotocon is seriously sad day. I am sorry you are feeling so down.

How perceptive of you. I didn't even realize it until now. You are right. I did only use one. I was lost in thought....lost in the moment.... letting myself FEEL what I needed to at that time. My therapist said...when those emotions surface....get them out....don't stuff them back down. That's what I did. I don't really wish ill will on anyone. People reap what they sow. I know that. I just feel like I try really hard....and have made so many changes and keep pushing and pushing....and sometimes..... every once in a while.... when my daughter is screaming.....my body is sore from running..... work is driving me insane....and life seems impossible.... I just wanna run out into an open field.....lay down....and stare at the sky.

And, pretend like that is all I ever will need to do for the rest of my life. Just be.

I think I need a vacation. (even though fat chance on that anytime soon!)


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, March 24th (Monday)

Shelly....follow Sparkysable's student loan info. It looks promising.

{{{hugs}}}}


It does get better....really, honestly, and truthfully. You just need to survive this small part.

Hang in there girl.

{{{hugs}}}

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6580 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, March 24th (Monday)

Doing the right thing is its own reward. You are making good on your debts, working hard, and taking care of your daughter. That doesn't sound like bad karma, it sounds like a life you can look back on with pride.

Posts: 3445 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
gemini888
Member
Member # 34878
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Oh my goodness, I know exactly what you are talking about, exactly how you feel, you keep trying to do the right thing, stay on the high road, and there seems to be no reward. In fact, it seems to get worse. I'm sorry you are in the thick of it. Pick away at things one at a time...get finances a little better one tiny piece at a time. Look into resources, like the one above. Then, when you feel better about that, ask a friend or family member to help with your daughter a night or two a week, so you can begin to take care of yourself. It helped for me anyway, to tackle my issues one small piece at a time, and just go down the list. I did put myself high up on that list though, after finances and my kids immediate needs! It will get better a little bit at a time...one morning you will wake up and your burden won't seem so unbearable.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Shelley,

It's hard, damn hard raising a kid alone.

What makes it harder is thinking how hard it is! Trust yourself that you'll deal with whatever comes your way. Then stop dwelling on it and looking at how hard it is. You'll handle whatever comes your way!!!

Look at your past, you knew having a baby while single would be incredibly difficult to manage, and now Piper is no longer a baby! Was it as hard as you imagined it being?

My mind plays tricks on my body. Right now I'm moving so bear with me: I needd to move a fully loaded 2drawer file cabinet upstairs-the movers locked it and I haven't located the key yet. That cabinet sat in my living room for 2weeks, I dreaded moving it, kept thinking about it, hating the fact that my DD didn't have time to help me move it. One day I woke up and told myself " it isn't going to get upstairs by itself" and made plans to move it myself. Yes it was heavy, and awkward, but it weighed more in my mind. My knees aren't hurting as badly as I THOUGHT they would. And my office is almost complete-upstairs

Trust yourself that you'll do what needs doing and you'll do it alone, but the burden while not light isn't as heavy as your mind leads you to believe.

Hugs,

[This message edited by Kajem at 7:12 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5264 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Shelly I am normally one to swing a good 2X4 in your direction. you don't need one. it's hard. it's damn hard to be mom and dad. you will get through it.

the only advice I have is to consider looking for a damn good job someplace else. Your town sounds limited. A bigger place might have jobs to offer that pay enough to make a move worth it. I was stunned when I stepped out of my location box and found outhow underpaid I was.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Shelly I am normally one to swing a good 2X4 in your direction. you don't need one. it's hard. it's damn hard to be mom and dad. you will get through it.

the only advice I have is to consider looking for a damn good job someplace else. Your town sounds limited. A bigger place might have jobs to offer that pay enough to make a move worth it. I was stunned when I stepped out of my location box and found outhow underpaid I was.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Look at your past, you knew having a baby while single would be incredibly difficult to manage, and now Piper is no longer a baby! Was it as hard as you imagined it being?

Harder actually....breastfeeding her for 13 months was awful...it was not the commercially romantic bonding situation you see in books or movies....it was pumping 5 to 7 times a day for 396 days and nights sometimes at 1am and 3am and 6am and then 3 times at work EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And, my daughter didn't sleep through the night for the 1st time until 10.5 months......imagine how fun THAT was single. But, the good always outweighs the bad with babies....and the love they give you makes you forget the struggles you endure.....

You know what..... I will tell you all something about myself that not many know. I know some will judge me for this but everyone has their own story in life...have to make their own decisions...and do what is best for them in any given circumstances.... When I was 18.... my 1st boyfriend got me pregnant. He had taken my virginity and had been married before...he was 6 years older than me. He told me that he was sterile and couldn't get anyone pregnant. He was wrong. I was not ready to be a mom. No where near ready. I made the most difficult decision of my life and had an abortion. I know that's a controversial stance and I don't expect everyone to agree with what I did. But, I did what I felt I needed to do for myself at that time and I don't regret it. But, I won't lie....besides the night I thought I had miscarried....it was the worst thing I had ever endured.....and I cried the whole time.

BUT......in that same token....as I grew older....and got married at 25....I realized how much I longed for motherhood. I told myself that I would NEVER and COULD NEVER make that decision again as an older more matured woman. And, hence......when my "surprise" baby girl came along at the age of 32.....it was a little bit of a shocker. I was unemployed when I found out....no insurance.....pregnant by probably one of the biggest losers on the planet...(hence NOT PLANNED....I was on the pill and he "said" he had a vasectomy... - my history of untrusting men repeated) and I was left terrified....and devastated. What I had wanted for SO LONG while married....was happening....but with the wrong person... and at the wrong time in my life.... and I was left with a decision.

And, that decision was crystal clear. I was keeping her....no questions or doubts about it.

God looked out for me. I believe that. I got my current job offer LITERALLY 3 days after I found out I was pregnant and I got full on insurance that covered my pregnancy without a pre-existing condition limit just 2 months later! I finished my 1st trimester and was covered! I started out making what I had made at my previous job that I was laid off at (which was really good since my area typically underpays because of the high volume and quality of the unemployment pool!) And, when I told my employer around 13 weeks about my situation....she was gracious and understanding and I was able to keep my position when I went on unpaid leave! Heck! My entire department came to the hospital to visit us that Friday morning to meet my little Piper!

It is hard being a single mom. It outright sucked having to move back home with my father.....pride sucking and frustrating to my independence. But, it was necessary. In order for my daughter to have the best childcare... diapers.... a roof over her head....food in her belly...and clothes on her back....I had to do what was best for her. And, this is it. It wasn't easy... but I would make the same decision again.

The next few years will be a big struggle....but I will pick at my debt piece by piece....and I will continue to look for a higher paying position (quietly) and do my current job like a continually self-improving professional.

I love being a mom and God gave me a gift. He answers our prayers.....just not always the way we expect him to. He most definitely works in mysterious ways....but as they say....never gives us more than we can handle.....so just keep moving forward I suppose....

One day..... I will be able to look back and be proud of the sacrifices I made to get us to a better place. I hope anyways!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:45 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Does your state have healthcare programs for kids? I know California does as a friend of mine I work with signed her kids up for it. That way you would only have to insure yourself.

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Shelly I just wanted to say that I'm 37 (soon to be 38) and I'm not where I want to be in life, either.

So....I'm in college trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

You took amazing steps to better your situation. You're a good mom. You're a good person. You will get good things in life.

Just keep swimming, Shelly.


Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Does your state have healthcare programs for kids? I know California does as a friend of mine I work with signed her kids up for it. That way you would only have to insure yourself.

I'm in Virginia. Are they expensive? I still only pay around $90 a month out of pocket for both of us which is still relatively cheap I'm assuming....so I shouldn't complain. But, its still $80 more a month than I was paying for the same plan!!!

You took amazing steps to better your situation. You're a good mom. You're a good person. You will get good things in life.

Just keep swimming, Shelly.

Doing the right thing is its own reward. You are making good on your debts, working hard, and taking care of your daughter. That doesn't sound like bad karma, it sounds like a life you can look back on with pride.

Shelly I am normally one to swing a good 2X4 in your direction. you don't need one. it's hard. it's damn hard to be mom and dad. you will get through it.


You are all going to make me cry.... but in a good way! Thank you for all the support! I needed it today!

Shelly....follow Sparkysable's student loan info. It looks promising.
{{{hugs}}}}


It does get better....really, honestly, and truthfully. You just need to survive this small part.

Hang in there girl.

{{{hugs}}}

I agree K9....and thank you Sparkysable! I will check into the income-based plans...maybe me being a single mom, I can get lowered payments. I know that I'm on extended graduated payment plans now that are like 25 years or basically the rest of my life....but maybe they will take income into consideration. I pay out about 29% of my income every month in student loans alone....(after taxes)

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:08 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
CheshCat
Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

One thing that has helped me for many many years is the following quote:

"Never judge your insides by anyone else's outsides."

&

"No matter your life, there are those who would kill for having what you have."

You're jealous of 2 parent families.
I lived the same life you describe AS a 2 parent family.
Never a break, never time off (when I was sick I had to strap my baby in the car seat & we lived in the bathroom for 3 days while I had food poisoning). Of course, there were always the times when my now-ex would "get involved" long enough to put me or my children in the hospital. Fortunately he never stayed interested more than once or twice a year.

I was sooooo jealous of single parents who had their support systems DOWN. Who never had to deal with drunken angry men barging into the house at 3am to scream and punch holes in the walls. And then the next morning to have to get dressed, and smile, and play "happy family" for company coming over.

People now look at me and say "Oh.... You're so LUCKY to have 50/50 custody!" No. No I'm not. I only stayed married for as long as I did to protect my kids. I managed to PROVE the abuse in court (paupering myself in the process) and the courts gave him 50% custody, anyway.

I get phonecalls in the middle of the night with my children crying and screaming and begging me to come get them... And I can't. If I do, I'm met by the police who will arrest me for kidnapping/custodial interference... And I'll lose custody... And my kids will lose the only sanctuary away from their dad that they have.

My 11yo hung himself at his Dad's house.

But as hard as my life is, I know parents who would kill for it. Those whose children have died, that they would give ANYTHING for 6mo a year. Those whose exes took their children and ran, and it's been years since they've seen them. Those whose children are permanently brain damaged, or crippled,those whose children have been poisoned against them.

So I take a deep breath, and hug my children, and instead of screaming and crying and shaking that O have to hand them over each week to be abused (although I've done plenty of that)... I look at it that some kids have to deal with abuse 24/7/365. But MY kids have sanctuary, dammit. No matter how bad it gets at their dad's house at the end of the week they get to come home, and be safe.
__________

Is life hard?

Yep.

Poverty, pain, grief, despair, failure, disappointment... These are all parts of life.

But, what I've learned in my own life! is that we can make hard things harder... Or we can work to make hard things better.

Don't fall into the trap of "It's not that bad" because other people have it worse, and don't fall into the trap of "judging your insides by other people's outsides"... And thinking that if you jus had what THEY have, everything would be good.

Recognize what's hard,
And do what you can to make things better.

If you need time off... Find someone to trade childcare with (or a church moms day out program, neighborhood kid to babysit, college kid who'll stay all night PURELY for home cooked food & a place to study in peace & quiet).

DONT not take that time off "until" or "because".

(Until you can have a 2 parent family, because there's no money.... Until there's a better job, until they're older, until, until, until....because of this, because of that, because of me, because of him, because because because.).

Until & Because are the ENEMY.

Until&Because are lies.

No matter how hard something is... There is always SOMETHING we can do about it. Whether it's a physical thing (like figuring out time off, or changing custody), or a mental thing... Changing perspective.

Don't wait until, and don't do nothing because.

Make it better.


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

You're jealous of 2 parent families

Let me specify..... and empathize with you... I don't envy JUST 2 parent families....I envy "healthy" 2 parent families. My best friend and her husband have great communication and he is a 50/50 equal partner when it comes to bedtime routines....dinner.... sick times and bad times....diaper changes and bath time..... she gets her time on her own and he gets his.... I envy that.

I don't envy what I gave up. I would have had what you described. My daughter's sperm donor was a drunken binge drinker disguised as an elite runner.....and YES....even those super fit guys you see out running the greenway...can have their deep dark secrets. They aren't fitness Gods. But, he thought he was. I think he would have married himself if it were possible. He thought no one could touch him. Period.

He was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me and when I got pregnant I had to make a decision... and when he refused to change....I left him at 8 months pregnant knowing darn well I would rather do it alone than with him by my side making my life harder. Being a single mom of one child is hard enough....but being a single mom of 2....one of which is an abusive non-working man-child...is a completely different thing. I'm afraid I would have ended up knocking the crap out of him one night....or him doing something horrible or saying something horrible to my daughter or to me in front of my daughter. And, in that case...well...there is no doubt in my mind I would end up in jail. I didn't want her to grow up thinking that it was either okay to be treated like that...or okay to treat others like that. Neither is okay in my book.

I am her mother. I am her protector. I am her father. Her confident. Her shield from the rain... the 1st face she see when she wakes up and the last face she sees when she goes to bed.... I am her tissue ....I am her belly laugh after a long day of work when I give her raspberries on that buddha belly of hers.... I am the glow in her eyes that she gets when I pick her up at the end of a long work day.... I am the light in her life. And, I refuse to let any man snuff me out. He wasn't worth me. He most definitely wasn't worth her.... and we are better on our own.

No regrets. Ever.

The only smart thing I did was not married the SOB.... and no...my daughter's father is NOT my XWH... I get that a lot. My daughter was a huge "surprise" and not planned. Long story. I wanted children badly....but my XWH would have made my life a living hell if I had gotten pregnant, he cheated and we ended up in D. My daughter wouldn't be able to sneeze into a tissue without his concent on the brand I used to wipe her nose. God did me a favor. He gave me someone who I believe was put on this planet for the sole purpose of breeding beautiful kids. He has 3. He is not good for much else and luckily wants little to do with any of them. Its a bittersweet situation...but I would rather deal with a non-existant ghost deadbeat of a pitiful excuse for a father.... than a tyrant bullying asshole like my XWH.....any ....day.....of...the...week. God did me a favor there. He answered my prayers for motherhood...just in a roundabout kinda way. I have to work for it....but its worth it. IMHO.

I may envy healthy 2 parent homes.... and someday maybe I will get lucky enough to meet a man like my dad who adopted my sister as his own legally when she was 8. But, until that day comes.... I would rather be where I am now....than where I could have cowardly chose to remain. Imprisoned emotionally....by a monster.

Sadly....that monster's mother is dying of cancer..... and she unfortunately...is letting her hate keep her from making any attempt at wanting to know her granddaughter before she dies.... she is letting the hate consume her until her final breath. Once she is gone....once his lifeline sinks to the bottomless black ocean that he calls his life..... he will tread water....until whatever it is that he calls his soul.....consumes what is left of him. I pity him. Its a karma I would most definitely not want to ever face. And he will.... he will one day have to look himself in the mirror....stand on his own two feet.....and face who he has become....and God help him. That day of reckoning will hurt.

God help him. God bless us. My daughter is happy....healthy....and loved. And, that's all that matters to me. She has my dad in her life daily...and he is a healthy male figure in her life.... and I am so thankful for that... is life perfect....no. Am I where I thought I would be in my life...no.... but am I where I'm supposed to be at this exact moment. I think so. And, hopefully....maybe....someday I will understand why.

“Sometimes life has a cruel sense of humor, giving you the thing you always wanted at the worst time possible.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Sugar Daddy

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:38 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Harriet
Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Shelly, I copied this poem into my journal. It brings me peace.

Sometimes things don't go, after all
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down the frost; green thrives; the crops don't fail.
Sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.
A people sometimes will step back from war,
elect an honest man, decide they care
enough, that they can't leave some stranger poor.
Some men become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best intentions do not go
amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen; may it happen for you.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen; may it happen for you.

That's beautiful. I surely hope so!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

She: I am so sorry for your struggles but when I read your comment :

I like to think of myself as a good person. I try to treat others as I want to be treated.... but many times...that makes me a doormat rather than a good person. People in this day and age use good people to get what they want....or take advantage of them for their own personal gain.

I call BS. True so many are this way but not all. I gotta believe there are still great people in the world and if you want to you will find one. Stay strong


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

I definitely don't dispute that good people exist....I'm here right! I just haven't had the good fortune of finding one yet. But, I also come from a smaller city and I've lived here my whole life. Its harder and the dating pool is much smaller. If my family wasn't all here.... and everyone Piper knows and loves, I would consider moving....but I don't want to uproot her right now. She's really bonding well with my dad and I love to see that. He is the only blood grandparent she has left. Her nana (adopted nana) just recently had a stroke and is in the hospital. I'm heartbroken. I just hope she can pull through this. Its hard to watch her go through this and I know Piper misses her. I'm in no rush to date......I've kinda given up on it to be honest. I'm gonna let life take its course....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:31 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

I have an email out to my friend asking her about the insurance she had her kids on. Of course, this is in California but I wanted to get an idea of what kind of program it was.

I found this so far for Virginia:

http://www.insurekidsnow.gov/state/virginia/

http://www.coverva.org/programs_famis.cfm


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
broken2
Member
Member # 16935
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Oh Shelly, can I ever relate to you!!! Even when I thought I "had" a family, it never really was one. Now?? I AM the family. I hold it all together. I so get it. Enough is enough already, but we are the only ones that are truly "there" for our children.

No 2x4's from me. I get it. I'm sending you endurance and strength to keep on keeping on.


Posts: 2041 | Registered: Nov 2007
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Seriously. Income-based repayment. And after 25 years you get forgiven, if it goes that long. Set it up today.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 842 | Registered: Nov 2012
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry, but being a good person isn't why you had the string of loser relationships. That was because you hadn't learned to firm up your boundaries. The work you've been doing on boundaries with family and coworkers will help have better boundaries in dating too. But please don't think you can't be a good person without being codependent. The two are quite different and either can exist without the other.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Oh no...I will continue to be myself...a good person.... and kind to others....and highly emotional which is all part of who I am.... and will wait for the guy to come along who will accept me, embrace me, cherish me, and appreciate me for all that I am and are. Someone who won't want to change me.... or could ever hurt or take advantage of me....

I'm just a nice girl...looking for a nice guy I guess! (sorry for the corny line! haha)


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 32