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User Topic: Ex Still Wants Contact With Me
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Wife cheated on me, and I filed for divorce after seven months of separation. Divorce was final last month.

I'm now moving on with my life, have started dating a very nice woman, who (by coincidence) went thru the same thing I did....wayward spouse who got caught, and refused to leave the other woman.

So now it seems she wants some closure. Keeps asking me to go to dinner because (as she puts it) "it's hard to let go of someone you've spent two decades with."

I am inclined to just ignore her entreaties. She has done so much to me, and she doesn't know how much I know. She never changed her email password so I kept up with her treachery, how she ransacked my house while I was gone, how she tried to turn my kids against me, accused me of all sorts of awful things. In other words, tried to make herself look like the victim (as the 180 correctly predicted).

I have attempted several drafts of email responses, but each time, I come to the conclusion that I owe her no reason for why I don't want to talk to her. I really don't....outside of our kids and grandkids, what else do we have to talk about?

I am sure I'm not the only one to be going thru this, post-divorce.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

I read your update in JFO, and I almost posted there, but you didn't ask a question.

It seems like you want to know what to do.

I have attempted several drafts of email responses, but each time, I come to the conclusion that I owe her no reason for why I don't want to talk to her. I really don't....outside of our kids and grandkids, what else do we have to talk about?

I think your conclusion is accurate. She has no claim on you or your time. I suspect she's fishing. Either to have you as a backup plan (which seems unlikely in this case), or to get ego kibbles. If you have dinner with her, she must be a nice person, since you are willing to hang out.

I think it might be useful to draft some responses and post them here. But don't send her anything.

Here's some samples:

Anger - How dare you?! After wrecking my life, blowing up my family, now you want to have dinner like you're a reasonable human being?

Sorrow - Oh, I'd love to spend time with you. But the "you" I want to spend time with died when you cheated on me, and left, and had no remorse.

Sarcasm - Dinner? With you? Only with a bodyguard for my back and a food taster...


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5154 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

"it's hard to let go of someone you've spent two decades with."

Well, she certainly should've thought of that before she started boinking another man...

I think the best response is no response. Crickets.

Only kids, grandkids, emergencies...otherwise nuthin'.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7813 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

One more thing. I looked at your timeline, and I urge caution.

7 months ago, you had D-Day. One month ago, you are divorced. Now you're dating.

Everyone is different, and I will admit to pushing the timeline myself, but that's pretty compressed.

Be careful, and try to make sure you're really ready. It's not just yourself who gets hurt if you're not.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5154 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

SHE wants closure?
Pffft...that's rich!

I think your response of dead silence is perfect.
Enjoy your new life and let your ex figure out her own issues.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

I forgot to comment on this:
I am sure I'm not the only one to be going thru this, post-divorce.

Yep!
Oddly enough, I was the one who tried to stay friends with my XWH during the divorce proceedings. He kept pulling stunts that were just low, I finally cut contact as much as possible.
The day we went to our final court date, he asked me out to lunch as I was walking back to my car. I laughed and drove away. Our contact is largely limited to things regarding our kids and that's the way I intend to keep it.
With "friends" like that, who needs enemies?!!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Definitely stay NC. She does not deserve your time and attention at this point, and what could she say, really, that would be of any importance to you now?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

2.5 years out from D and I still get the occasional fishing email.

My first thought - the only thing this means is that he is a relationship lull.

Second - What's in it for me? A free dinner? I've never been that hungry.

Third - Having to do directly with your situation: If I were your lady friend and you were contemplating this - I'd take it as a sign you still had unresolved feelings for your X and I'd exit stage right.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

If I were your lady friend and you were contemplating this - I'd take it as a sign you still had unresolved feelings for your X and I'd exit stage right.

Ditto this too.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

A response :
"You want dinner with me? I wanted a spouse that didn't cheat, guess we both didn't get what we wanted"

or

Crickets.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Whenever one of the girls on my track team says something ridiculous, or wants the other girls to agree with something foolish, there is one that always says

Girl, BYE

Lol, I say you hit her with that.

[This message edited by NikkiD at 9:55 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Third - Having to do directly with your situation: If I were your lady friend and you were contemplating this - I'd take it as a sign you still had unresolved feelings for your X and I'd exit stage right.

Take2: Oddly enough, both me and the person I'm now seeing are going thru this same predicament - the ex-spouse wanting to keep in contact, go to dinner/lunch, etc.

My reaction is more disgust, anger, disbelief after all of this time. I don't let it get inside my head so much.

The person I'm seeing is more upset with ex's entreaties. It's messing with her head, and only serves to bring back all the bad emotions and memories.

I guess we deal with situations in different ways. The emotion is still raw and present. It's how you process and react that changes from person to person.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

One more thing. I looked at your timeline, and I urge caution.
7 months ago, you had D-Day. One month ago, you are divorced. Now you're dating.

Everyone is different, and I will admit to pushing the timeline myself, but that's pretty compressed.

Be careful, and try to make sure you're really ready. It's not just yourself who gets hurt if you're not.

TrustedHer: I understand your caution, and I have listened to wise counsel. But I had to do what felt right and go with that. I know it is good advice to wait a long time, but that can't be an iron-clad rule for all cases.

What we have is a relationship based upon mutual experiences, and honesty about what we want and what we desire. And a continued reassurance that if anything isn't working we will relate and confront. I.e., there are no preconceived notions of where we are going. Just enjoying the moment. And it has been invaluable to have someone around who experiences the same things. It has been really ironic how similar our cases have been.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

This is just continued selfishness on her part. It's all about what she wants.

If she truly cared about you, she would respect your feelings and leave you alone.

Don't bother writing any more emails. Silence speaks volumes, and is far more eloquent.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49473 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Crickets, crickets, oh and did I mention CRICKETS? lol


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 28th (Friday)

Ummmm, I'd be tempted to remark: "You want closure? We're divorced. To me, that's pretty damn closed."


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7213 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 28th (Friday)

"it's hard to let go of someone you've spent two decades with."
It can't be that hard she let go when she started her A.

Crickets to her. Don't bother reponsding to her emails. It strokes her ego when you engage even if it's just to say you are not interested. You owe her nothing.

Best of luck in your current relationship.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Topic Posts: 17