SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Need fast Help!!! Tipping Point
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)


I have been doing the 180 for 4 days. Tonight my wife said she had to talk to me and I wouldn't like it. I said what? She said "I'm done, I asked you to just be my friend and you've ignored me for 4 days. Your texts were K and that's all". I said "yeah I'm done too".

I asked if she had filed and she said no so I told her I did. She asked when and I told her I could have the papers sent to her attorney. She said she wanted her parents to see them first.

I said okay and went in the other room. She followed me and said "I just needed you to be my friend" I said "I am your friend but I want a wife." I said "I've asked you to do basic things to participate in R and you haven't. your defenses are too high"

She said "Of course I can't you said you'd make my life miserable if we stayed together (I don't remember that but likely out of context), and you told your parents disgracing me"

Here's where I failed the 180. I said " I want you to know I fought tooth and nail to save this. I gave everything to save this. I know right now you have to demonize me to protect yourself but someday your gonna realize that the man before you would have loved you for the rest of your life. (I cried a bit)"

So what do I do now? I need some real guidance from those that have wisdom. Please help. I'm a mental wreck.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Hi, justinpain, regardless of "slightly falling off the 180 wagon" by showing her your emotions, you are doing great! Keep in mind the 180 is for you, to help you detach. It is not to bring her out of the fog.

"Of course I can't you said you'd make my life miserable if we stayed together (I don't remember that but likely out of context), and you told your parents disgracing me

^^She is trying to deflect from the issue of her not wanting to R or doing any of the hard work and looking inward. Blaming you once again for her actions instead of her being accountable herself.

Friends do not treat people the way she has treated you, without respect.

Continue what you are doing. Don't engage unless absolutely necessary. You told her what you are feeling, now let it rest. Keep the ball in your court, just try to be a bit less emotional. Very hard, I understand.

You will be ok! Are you able to get out of the house for a walk or a jog or a drive to a coffee shop to get your emotions back in check?


Posts: 7589 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Hanging at local stop, typing away to my lifeline online therapists.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

I used exercise as an out. Some days I HAD TO exercise.

I sent you a pm btw. I was worried about reading your situation right but it looks like Annb and I read it the same way.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Ann:

She is trying to deflect from the issue of her not wanting to R or doing any of the hard work and looking inward. Blaming you once again for her actions instead of her being accountable herself.

Exactly!

She has always been very defensive and untrusting (didn't trust MC pastor, wouldn't go to IC and doesn't trust the intentions of my IC.

I will take your advise and keep it low key and as emotionless as possible. I am so torn: Part of me says "Come back to me, I love you". and another part says "thanks for ripping my heart out and wiping you a** with it, now go away".

Crazy crazy world...I think I should buy a dog (loyal and loving).


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Red Sox Nation
Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

The 180 isn't easy. I could never follow it. Which made the pain a little more intense at times, but it never got worse than in those moments of unpleasant interaction.

The 180 is a good tool for when you can begin the healing process. It isn't meant to be a formula for fixing anything.

When people are having affairs, they invent a reality for themselves. In your wife's new reality, you're a friend who co-parents and allows your kindred spirit to explore her life of candy songbirds and unicorn princesses. Ultimately, whatever she says while in this state is irrelevant.

You're searching for the perfect phrase or action that will knock her back into your reality. It won't happen. She's not in a place where she's going to listen to reason. There's nothing you could have said or done in the last four days that would have changed this.

Don't be in such a hurry. If you're getting good legal advice, follow it. If you're not, find it.

I think you should continue the 180 if you can. It sounds like she's realizing there's a problem now. If she were completely in fantasy-land, she wouldn't be so bothered by the 180. Just don't negotiate with her if she does crack a little. It's really all or nothing when it comes to active affairs.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

From your other thread

3 months out: WW will not be transparent at all (got a separate phone line). Won't go to IC. Won't even come back to church with family (shame). I have seen her taking selfies again lately and hiding her phone when I approach.

Sounds like someone I'd like as a Friend (not)

I think you handled the conversation really well. She probably wanted you to beg her to work on your marriage again.

She's mad at you for telling your parents she was cheating???? She shouldn't have an A!!!

Also, do you know who the OM is? Did you out him to his wife?


Posts: 241 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

You didn't fail. You were discussing the relationship.

What possible reason can she have for wanting her parents to see the divorce petition? Serve her and send them a copy.

When did you say that 'you'd make her life miserable if we stays together? Ever?

You were clear, forthright and emotional - in other words - a human being.

Make her miserable? By not wanting her boinking another guy this making your marriage a sham?

Disgraced her? By telling your parents what was happening?

Allow her her alternative universe.

You have more important things to do.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

There were several EA men online the main one is single divorced father. The PA is also single. I think you're right though I think she was really surprised by my lack of reaction Honestly I'm just tired of fighting for my marriage all by myself.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
LeftOutintheCold
Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

(((justinpaintoday)))

I have no answers, just thoughts of strength for you. I'm so sorry to hear your pain, but understand it so well.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Hi, again, just wanted to suggest that you check out the I Can Relate forum, the thread for Betrayed Men only. Great group of guys, and you will get tons of sage of advice from the veterans here who have BTDT. You'll also chuckle a bit, which will give you a moment of respite from this nightmare!

Posts: 7589 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Merlin. Thanks for your wisdom. She want your parents to see because they both been through divorces in the past and have been counseling her on who the hell knows what.

I think I handled things pretty well. Crazy as it sounds I do still love her. She's become quite an awful person. I know a lot of it has to do with her insecurity and defensive. But lately I've been starting to think that maybe she's just not a good person. That's a tough thing to say I got to tell you.

Kind of feeling a little numb right now which is okay numb good. Three weeks ago I would've been in tears right now so I think I'm making progress.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

I don't know about you, but I prefer to be able to trust my friends. If she's not acting in a manner that proves the A is over and she's heading towards a healthy attitude, she doesn't make the friend cut.

If she's not ready to fight for you and the M, temporarily setting herself aside instead of first, she doesn't make the W cut.

Like someone else said, the 180 is for you.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11216 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

You're right it's so funny throughout this whole thing my wife is said you're so selfish this is only about you. She said I'm hurting too in which I would acknowledge "i know that and I'm eager to talk about it and have u start IC".

I think one day she'll wake up and realize all. Not necessarily the most exciting life. But happy content a husband forever who adored her. So so so so unnecessary, sad .


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Justinpain,

I'm sorry for your pain. I've been following your thread and have a couple of thoughts for you. As hard as it may be to do, consider that she truly may be done and has been for some time. Your very temporary distancing (ala' the 180) provided her with only the faintest of reasons to become annoyed. What did she do with it? She bypassed annoyance and instead slammed the door on your marriage. What does that tell you? It is the equivalent of a judge hearing a case for someone who was charged with speeding and deciding the penalty should be death.

It's all illogical, of course. She cheats, but when you distance yourself for a few days she wants a divorce?

You are absolutely not obligated to indulge her request for her parents to review anything. You are not married to her parents.
Personally, I would just have her served. Period.

As you continue to experience pain and sadness for the situation you are in, I hope you will take some comfort in knowing that without true remorse (and she has no true remorse, at all) there will not and cannot be reconciliation. You were forced into this and have followed the absolute correct course. She will try to make this your fault. It is not. You simply did not want to share your wife with another man.

Finally, when you think of how you still love her, be sure to start asking yourself if it is her that you love, or who you thought she was.

Strength to you, my friend.

NMAI

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 9:02 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

and you told your parents disgracing me"

Ummmmm, I think HER behavior disgraced her and she needs to own the consequences of said behavior.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

NMAI hit the nail on the head... Have her served, period.

I think she felt you pulling away and she brought out the "big guns" ...divorce. You standing firm will scare the hell out of her. I think she is counting on you folding.

Also I find it interesting that she is asking for all of these concessions. How is it that she can ask you to be friends and ask you for all of these things?

Did she give you the courtesy of asking your permission before commencing her affair? If she is like my wife she didn't.

So the same woman the so freely violated your trust is now asking for you to be fair?

Just remember you have tried it her way for 3 months and it brought you nothing but pain. Do exactly what you want to do from his point forward, you owe it to yourself.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
SeekingPeace84
Member
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Justinpaintoday,
I feel myself becoming more and more offended on your behalf as I read what your WW is doing to you. You do NOT deserve to be treated like this! I'm stunned by her lack of empathy towards you. Why should she get comfort and compassion while she's CURRENTLY cheating!??! Unbelievable.

I, too, am so impressed with how you handled yourself in that confrontation. You showed such strength and courage by what you said to her. Good for you!

I will continue to send prayers and support your way. Stay strong and know that you are worthy of so much better.

(((((Justinpaintoday))))))


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Thank you everyone for all the kind words. Truth is I don't know if my wife still cheating. I think the physical affair was a one night stand. The emotional affairs are easier for her to do and more concerning for me. However I have no idea if she still in these affairs since I have zero transparency.

All in all I think I am doing the right thing. Just said the doing the right thing feels so awful. I know I can't make decisions for my present self because I'm not in the right state of mind or heart. I have to make decisions for my future self where I'm loved respected and honored by a wife.

I made a promise to myself last night that I would not give her one more tear. Not sure if I can keep that promise to myself but I'm sure going to try. I still hope and pray my wife will come out of the fog but unfortunately I fear my marriage will suffer the consequences of her selfishness defensiveness and unwillingness to look inside herself.

I've also made a commitment to myself to start to compartmentalize. When I'm at work I'm going to be the best worker I can be. When I'm with my children I'm going to be the best father I can be. And when I'm with my wife I'll be the best man I possibly can be. Obviously not the best husband but the best man. This experience has tested my character. I've been successful sometimes I failed other times and I've learned every time.

I think everyone again for your kind words I asked for your continued prayers as My journey continues. As I pray each and everyone of your journeys ends in happiness regardless of the outcome. Have a good day talk later


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

...sounds like a really good plan. Just remember that when you are dealing with your wife and being the best man you can be, that self respect is very close to the top of the list. Hold your head high. Be cordial to her. Respect you.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Just said the doing the right thing feels so awful. I know I can't make decisions for my present self because I'm not in the right state of mind or heart. I have to make decisions for my future self where I'm loved respected and honored by a wife.

I love this. It shows real strength and clarity.

((JIPT))


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jan 2014
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

You do realize those are some lofty goals, that you most likely are not going to be able to maintain at least not right away.

I sense you have come to a tiny bit of peace though through the decision to file. Your W is trying to manipulate you, telling you she needs you to be a friend. Sorry. She is neck deep in the fog still. You did well with the 180. It's almost super human to not share your pain at times.

You have to allow yourself time to grieve, you can't just say that's it I'm done. That is just as unhealthy as what she is doing....You will need to cry still, you will need to go through all the steps, until you have allowed yourself time to heal emotionally, mentally, and physically.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

And when I'm with my wife I'll be the best man I possibly can be.

Does this mean that you are going to stop the 180 or the Divorce process? You may not know if your wife is still cheating but it sure doesn't look like she is Remorseful or wants to do anything to save the marriage. It looks like she wants to keep her dating options open. I'm not saying you have to be mean to her just saying you shouldn't allow her to cake eat either.

Continue to provide and be her friend while she cheats. You are not going to win her back with niceness.


Posts: 241 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

When I see gentlemen I mean being a man of honor. Not fighting dirty or backstabbing. I know this process can be adversarial in divorce to be adversarial and ugly. I hope for myself is that I can get to the end of this and look back feel I did the right things. I know there'll be regrets I would just like to have as few regrets as possible. I certainly can't go forward without transparency and reassurance that there are no longer any affairs. So I'm not suggesting that I be a pushover just that I maintain good character.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

I don't think anyone else has mentioned the kids. Do you really think her parents will let her walk away from them? Especially when they discover that she will be paying support?

You can be a man of honor. Prepare for war. It won't be pretty.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2977 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

In a court of law, usually the person that takes the high road loses. Keep that in mind.

This is not a computer game, this is for keeps.

You can be decent, just be smart. How this is won or lost is going to be up to your lawyer. If your lawyer tells you to do something or act a certain way, I think you should follow the lawyers advice.

Has your wife backed down any at all. Has she agreed to transparency yet. Has she said she will stop the affair or whatever it is she is doing.


Posts: 4101 | Registered: Jun 2002
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

No nothing. No transparency (Objected to the violation of privacy). No IC (almost did twice but we got in a fight and she refused). Now she says no. She has drawn her line in the sand and truthfully I have always backpedalled so she has no reason to think I will not at this point.

I am working the 180 for me. If my detachment gets her to move from the fog then great. Possibly she's not in a fog and just wants it to end. I have no clue. I do know she has always been a "live for today" person. She doesn't think much about the future. Today she will have to start. Should be interesting. Would love to see true repentance and R but right now it looks like D.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Usually, the only time you will see a WS remorseful is when they know what they did was wrong.

It doesn't seem like your wife even thinks what she did was wrong in any way. She is completely rationalizing what she did as the right thing to do. And will always believe that, and that is a shame.

It is also too bad that she doesn't have anyone in her life to tell her what she did was wrong other than you. And the more you tell her, the more opposite she will think.

This is one reason affairs continue after DDay. Because the AP is great at telling the WS that what they are doing is the right thing to do. The AP keeps the affair going by helping rationalize all wrongs into all rights.


Posts: 4101 | Registered: Jun 2002
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Just Pain

I am not sure your background and your WW's affair situation but what I have read you are doing what is right.

You have to look out for you because she certainly isn't. It is all about her.

I know you are hurting. I am sorry. This is the most terrible hurt a person can experience.

Remember to take a breath. Remember you are important. You matter. You didn't do anything to deserve this.

Is her AP married? If so, then you need to let her know.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1182 | Registered: Apr 2013
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

IFaith: thank you for the kind words I'm having a tough day because I filed for divorce. Divorce from who I thought was my best friend soulmate life partner.

I know I did the right thing because my wife is very very closed off defensive and self-centered right now. Despite all the horrible things she's done to me I still pray for reconciliation. Sad isn't it.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Craig2001 has captured an important concept and has explained it very well. This is exactly what happened in my case, so I have experienced this first hand. Nothing I said to my XWW resonated with her. I didn't understand it at the time, but she had migrated into a new world, a new reality based on obtuse rationalizations which placed her needs above all else. That's where the blame shifting and rewriting if marital history comes in. It's needed to accommodate the rationalizations. It seems like you may be experiencing the same thing.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Dealing with a WS during an affair is a lot like dealing with a small child. You tell them to please stop screaming and they will scream louder. Try reverse psychology and tell your wife to go out with 5 or 6 guys, you don’t mind it at all.

Posts: 4101 | Registered: Jun 2002
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, March 27th (Thursday)


The other thing that I forgot to say that others touched on is this. You aren't dealing with your wife as you knew her. She isn't going to be as rational or logical as you might remember. The only thing that is the same about her is the physical.

Consider your wife a "pod" person. No joke, the others here will tell you the same. My wife who was literally the warmest most wonderful person I ever met turned into an remorseless monster. She told me at some point "you really don't know me, the person you think I am is a carefully crafted lie".

I literally thought my wife was possessed. No joke. It's really hard to make someone understand how much a WS can change.

I have told my wife some of the things that she said to me and she can't believe it. She actually doesn't remember and I believe her.

Once the "spell" is broken there may be hope but it's hard to break it.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
Mapleleaf4ever
New Member
Member # 37090
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

JustinPain- My story is very much like yours. I caught my stbxww taking selfies all the time. She would always x-out of whatever she was doing on the computer when I would walk into a room. She would get really angry if I ever questioned what she was doing, saying that my insecurities would end our marriage.
I eventually went on the internet to Web Watcher and downloaded their software. I soon got all her passwords to email, fb etc. I learned she was having a LTA and read some of the most painful shit that you could ever imagine. Silly me thought that I could still save the M with the woman that I loved. She had zero remorse, only regrets that she was caught. Once I told my parents and her family she could not live in my world anymore because people would always know what she did. So she left. It took me a long while but I stopped seeing her as I once did the pain as subsided over time. I pray the same for peace and healing for you, because honestly brother, without true instant remorse, you are fooling yourself that she will EVER be the wife/person that you could spend the rest of your life with. Good luck


ME-BH (52)
HER-WW (52)
Married 16 years,
together 20years
One beautiful daughter.
DDay #1 - 06 Apr 2011 EA
DDay #2 - 01 Feb 2012 PA

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, March 27th (Thursday)


She wants you to be a friend? Ok. She can start first. Do you have any other friends in your life who treat you as she does? That's what I thought.

Be cordial to her. Respect you.

I like this advice.

You are doing well jipt.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2435 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Thanks for the advice thanks for saying I'm doing well. I can tell you I'm not doing very well right now I almost texted my wife to tell her this was the saddest day of my life because I filed for divorce ...but I didn't.

Instead as I drove I wept and cried my eyes out I haven't done that in a good couple weeks. I miss my best friend. I want my marriage back. I want the pain to stop. I'm not suicidal I just hurt all the time.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

justinpaintoday ~ I am SO sorry for your horrible situation. I felt the same way. I had no idea I could hurt so much, even physically. I will never be able to forget the moment my heart broke. It took four days of pain in my heart before it finally burst. It literally felt like my physical heart burst. I never knew, I wish I didn't and I wish you didn't have to know, either.

It is not sad that you want reconciliation. It is not sad that you want your wife, your friend, your marriage and your love back. Those all all things that you will need to grieve.

What is sad is that she is willing to lose it all. That is sad.


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
Mapleleaf4ever
New Member
Member # 37090
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Hang in there. There is no way around the pain, you have to go through it. I know that does not help right now in the moment but eventually the pain won't be so crippling. Trust me. And (gently) try not to drive when you are that upset, one mistake could have tragic consequences for you or someone else's family.
I feel your pain brother, it is all too real for me, but take a breath and realize that the sun will rise tomorrow with or without her.


ME-BH (52)
HER-WW (52)
Married 16 years,
together 20years
One beautiful daughter.
DDay #1 - 06 Apr 2011 EA
DDay #2 - 01 Feb 2012 PA

Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2012
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Stay on course, she has yet to fully realize the consequences of her actions, in my opinion.
The entire scope and gravity of the situation must smack on the head. Divorce papers are tangible and real, something to stare at and wonder what she is going to do now.
Sometimes that is what it takes. Your job is to not give a shit one way or another. You need to see some real effort and action before you start considering R.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

justinpaintoday ~ This is for the future self man that you need to make decisions for today.

I would like to share with you the advice I give my children: The person who cares the most in a relationship is the person who carries all the power. The 'trick' is to find someone just as enamored as you and develop an equal/similar level of love for one another.

Here is the thing; If you want her but she wants someone else ... Who is going to do all of the chasing? .... all of the romancing? .... all of the wooing? ... all of the impressing? ... all of the WORK? ... You. Because she wants someone / something else. You will be chasing her while she is chasing someone else.

Personally, I want someone who WANTS me and is willing to prove it in their actions.

This gal isn't loving you in her actions. She isn't loving you in her words. She is actually harming you in her actions. She is harming you in her words. And if you have children ... she is likely harming your child(ren).

She obviously doesn't believe you will ever actually do anything about it. I am very glad that you are.

I have been where you are. I know how much it hurts. I know how hard it is to move on and change. I DO. But, you are not going to stop getting hurt by continuing this 'relationship' with her.

It will take time to stop hurting from this terrible pain. But you can protect yourself from new pains.

Whenever she says things like 'you shamed me' [Dear God, What a JOKE!] you can either ignore her, so as not to argue and continue on and on; or you can simply restate her erroneous statements factually like, 'you shamed you.'

You are doing great. Just because it hurts doesn't mean you are doing a bad job in your situation. In your circumstances you are doing better than most! Hang in there justin.... and I will be praying for you tonight.


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

1 - Please drink water.
2 - Eat small amounts of healthy food.
3 - Please don't drive when you are so upset. Just pull over somewhere quiet.
4 - Try to sleep.
5 - Pray. A lot. God will listen.
6 - Post stuff her that you 'would' have sent to her.

7 - Continue to give her nothing.... as little as possible. She NEEDS to know what it will be like WITHOUT YOU.

You are doing great! Stay strong!

Praying for you right now.


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

((justinpaintoday)), perhaps I should not have commented on how well you are doing....I know better bc I know how I was so early on. You are expressing yourself really well is probably what I needed to write.

And take MapleLeaf's advice about the driving. We all did it but you don't need an accident on top of all this.

You will get through this.

How are your kids doing?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2435 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Just another voice commending you on how you are handling yourself.

This hurts. Probably more than anything you have ever experienced. And it is supposed to---so don't feel bad when you "feel" weak.

I think one day she'll wake up and realize all.

Sadly, it is quite possible that she won't. But that is not your responsibility.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Let yourself feel the pain. It is crushing...yet somehow, it won't crush you. Life will keep moving on.

Comfort yourself with the knowledge that you've done everything you can, and that to do anything further, beyond filing, would have meant sacrificing your happiness and self-respect.

I know you know that you deserve to be with someone who loves you fully and is committed to you to the same level that you are. Sometimes we have to stand up for our worth even when the pain is crippling.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

La44. Kids okay. Earlier confused because i would cry alot. Have kept drama fairly well hidden.

Theyre used toy wife being mad at me so things blend. Sheeesh thst sounds fun. Regular Norman Rockwell painting :(


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Despite all the horrible things she's done to me I still pray for reconciliation. Sad isn't it.

Nope, not at all. It is called hope; it is called love.

Any two people can work anything out but they both have to be willing to try, to give, to sacrifice, to forgive, to understand, to care. All of these are a choice and if your WW is not choosing to walk beside you to help you heal and rebuild then sadly, you probably made the right decision.

The marriage you had has died. It is gone. You can build a new one, with your WW if she comes around or start over but you must first grieve the loss of the one you had.

You own 50% of the state of the marriage but 0% of the A. Her choice, her actions.

I will IM you the 5 stages of grief as this may help.

So sorry you are hurting. Please take good care of you and your children. That is a relationship where you CAN have a positive affect. Hugs your babies.

We are here for you.

((((hugs))))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1182 | Registered: Apr 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Kids okay. Earlier confused because i would cry alot. Have kept drama fairly well hidden.
Theyre used to wife being mad at me

When my boys asked me why I was crying in the early days I just explained that someone had hurt me very much and it made me so sad.

Did the person say sorry? my oldest son asked (he was 8 at the time).

Yes. The person did say sorry. And they ARE sorry, but sometimes the hurt is so much that it takes time for it to go away. But I will be okay. Your mom will always be okay.

I feel badly that your kids are used to your wife being mad at you. This changes children. But you know what? They won't have to witness this for much longer and IMO this is going to make your relationship stronger with them and it will help them feel more confident as they grow.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2435 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Wanted to check on you to see how you were doing today.

I'm sure you are hurting but she really isn't giving you anything to work with. You deserve so much more in a wife.

She said "Of course I can't you said you'd make my life miserable if we stayed together (I don't remember that but likely out of context), and you told your parents disgracing me"

my guess is that she believes going to IC, being transparent, and going to church as a family... (your requirements) are her version of you trying to make her life miserable.

((justinpaintoday))

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:17 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


Posts: 241 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Theyre used toy wife being mad at me so things blend. Sheeesh thst sounds fun. Regular Norman Rockwell painting :(

You see the dysfunction that already exists. Imagine raising your kids in that environment. Showing them that it is acceptable behavior for a wife/mom to be angry all the time, and show disdain, and disrespect to her spouse.

Now imagine that you are on your own, and when your kids are with you they are happy, and see a man that demands respect, and treats others with likewise. They see a man that is proud, fair, and wise. This may not be a Norman Rockwell, but brother it's one hell of a lot healthier than option A.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Free: Thanks for checking on me...Today is a difficult day.

I came home last night and my wife wanted to tell the kids about D. I said I wanted to wait until we met with court regarding living arrangements so the kids would have security. I am sure they will know by the end of weekend.

Here is my pain...when I look into her eyes I can see that everythning is dead. She is emotionless with me and seems content to part. I then hear her upstairs laughing with the kids.

I want to tell her "Please save me, save this marriage".

I have 2 thoughts: I think of the beautiful woman I married, kind, loving mother. Loving wife.

And then I think of the past year. Lies, PA, multiple EA. Think of how she won't agree to transparency, IC etc. I think of even now after 3 months she has grown more distant toward me. When these realities hit I feel numb, even angry.

How does it get to this point? I wish it was a year ago and I had listened better to the signs. I wish I could save my marriage. I feel I need to say something to her but don't know what I could possibly say to change her heart. I wish I was worth fighting for? That's what hurts so bad. Why am I not worth fighting for? I'm a really good man. I want to know why she wouldn't go all out to save our M. Is it wrong to ask this of her?

This pain may be too much. I am so broken. Sorry all tough morning.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 28th (Friday)

It will take some time for you to grasp that you are in love with your memories rather than your current reality.

You did not cause your spouse to stray. Any issues with your marriage could have been addressed by either or both of you ahead of her 'stepping out'.

You are a good man in an awful situation. But your wishes are just an emotional anchor now.

For you and your children, it's time to focus on what is happening right now - not what you want and certainly not what you wish.

Yes, it sucks. But you cannot change the mind or heart of another. You must let and even push her into her new and chosen life now even as you center yourself for the unwanted roles of a betrayed spouse and single father.

Wishing will not and cannot work.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Every step of this journey is painful, you will have days when you don't think you can take another step and days where you actually make it thru and its not so bad.

I see you filing for D but what are you thinking of doing about some kind of separation? Because I do not know quite honestly how people do any kind of in house separation, to me that is death by a thousand small cuts. Can she move out? Get some reality with being on her own? If not what is your game plan with this besides filing?

I ask because this is all so emotional it helps to try to have some kind of plan. Keep going to IC for you, one person said exersise and I agree, do something to work out all of the hurt and anger. Keep working the 180.

If you compare an A to being addicted you have to hold onto the fact that she is addicted to her behaviors and is holding on hard and not giving up. So you only have the choice of taking you out of the equation. I think by her coming to you after only 4 days to try to push your buttons again tells me it is affecting her she just cannot stand the fact that you are changing and becoming stronger and not doing what is the norm....caving into her demands.

Go back and follow Abbandon's thread....his WW has never stopped the destructive train, he had to finally take a stand. Its not to say it does not hurt, but you are doing the right thing.


Posts: 5669 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, March 28th (Friday)

I said " I want you to know I fought tooth and nail to save this. I gave everything to save this. I know right now you have to demonize me to protect yourself but someday your gonna realize that the man before you would have loved you for the rest of your life. (I cried a bit)"
t

If this didn't cause her to bat an eye no words are going to do it. What could you say that hasn't been said?

It's not about you it's about her being very broken. Just this last post shows her craziness.

What type of person WANTS to break the news to the kids the day after deciding to D??? And what type of person can go off laughing with those kids knowing she had just planned to drop a bombsell on them moments before?

One thought is that her normal "I'm Done" wasn't working for her so she thought "lets tell the kids" would get you to break down. (the way I'm done has done in the past.)

You should talk to your lawyer and others on here before you do this but --- I think asking her to find a full time job, or a new place to live, figure out kid time... would have a better chance of pushing her into the reality of the situation.


Posts: 241 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 28th (Friday)

given what you just said, I think you had better prepare for a custody battle. do you really believe she will just walk away from those kids she is upstairs laughing with?

if so, why on earth would you want to remain married?

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2977 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Yeah. She told me not to come to her sisters wedding (I get that it makes sense, her parents are forming the wagon train around her).

I am exercising which helps. I am spending time with the kids which is helpful. You're right about nothing left to say. I have begged her to invest in saving the marriage. I was very tolerant of not having transparency even though she admitted being addicted to the attention online. The truth is R is super hard work, without transparency to ensure she is not getting her fixes during the work I can;t do anything. That is what sucks...I can't do anything.

I know loneliness will be my choosing. In the world of online dating one will be as lonely as one wants. (In NO position to think about this yet by the way). The worst and most excrutiating pain is the abandonment. Feeling I was tossed away for others. That I wasn't worth fighting for. That's what stings so bad. It wipes out your self worth.

My heart is telling me to beg her for R, beg and beg but I think of last weekend (I asked her to cuddle via text....she didn;t reply so I asked again) Her response the next day was "Don't beg it doesn't become you". This makes me realize that begging and nicing are irrelevant. How can I think it could work. Damaged talked to me alot about this.

All I can do is pray and work on healing me...just wish healing was quicker. I wonder about her though...she seems numb, will it ever hit her? Shame? Regret?


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, March 28th (Friday)

[This message edited by justinpaintoday at 8:28 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 28th (Friday)

I want to know why she wouldn't go all out to save our M. Is it wrong to ask this of her?

So she can list everything she doesn't like about you and your relationship? Maybe should run full speed into a wall, it will be less painful that way.
Dude, you're grasping at air, and it's not very becoming, let it go. Change your whole attitude. You're in a tornado damage zone, are you going to be one of those people that walk around whining and complaining "why me?", or are you going to be one of those that starts gathering up everything he can salvage, clear the rubble, and start building back bigger and stronger?
As someone who was trying to find a "more fish in the sea" analogy crudely said, It's just pussy, there's lots of it. ( pardon, ladies).
Attitude! Get one!


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Here is my pain...when I look into her eyes I can see that everythning is dead. She is emotionless with me and seems content to part. I then hear her upstairs laughing with the kids.

Just,

I know how nightmarish and disorienting this is. I too got the "dead eyes." I looked into them sobbing and pleading with her to stop hurting me. No reaction.

I too thought the pain would be "too much." That I was "broken." I too wept in front of my six and eight year old.

But apparently I had underestimated myself: it was not too much. I did not break. My children no longer see me cry. In fact I rarely cry these days.

There is no reason to believe you are "weaker" than I was. You are just very early in the process that I and everyone here had to slog through. We loved our partners as well.

You can do this. You really can. Be strong and determined.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Ok, that was a bit crass Twisted...

I would reword it as. She is treating you like a doormat, you are allowing her to treat you like a doormat and then wondering why she sees you as a doormat.


Yes reality will hit her that she doesn't have this plush life anymore. That she has to work for more than fun money, that she can't spend all day online and in a fantisy world...

Will she realize how lucky she was to have you? and that it was you that gave her this plush life? I don't know. She is broken but needs a dose of reality.


Posts: 241 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Thanks Twisted for the tough love.

Thanks Freeme for the translation =)

Amazing how wrapped around her finger I was. The sad thing is I know her parents will enable her. Her mom (also a cheater) is her best friend and probably helping her rationalize her actions and demonize me.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Your wife sounds incredibly selfish. All she cares about is having EA on the computer and doesn't want any kind of transparency.

Sure sounds like she has done or is doing more than just playing games on the computer.

What do her parents actually say about her having an affair. I can see parents sticking up for their kids, but having an affair is not like just burning dinner.

Have you asked your wife anything like, are her computer friends more important than staying married.

Selfish is the word that keeps coming to mind.


Posts: 4101 | Registered: Jun 2002
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 28th (Friday)

My apologies to Freeme and the ladies, for the "guy talk" It was for effect.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, March 28th (Friday)

I have no idea if the EAs continue. I have no access to her phone. No transparency. That causes alot if fear for a BS and seems like the bare minimum for rebuilding trust


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, March 28th (Friday)

so what will you do for you today?

180 brother. Right now it is your best friend.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2977 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, March 28th (Friday)

This is my take on it
Her.. 4 days of no attention.. I don't like this very much. I'm going to "Hurt" him so he will cave. "JIPT I'm thinking of divorce.."

You.. "great I was thinking the same thing."

Her.. "oh shit, that didn't work"

You... Steadfast and uncompromising in your position.

Her.. time to bring out the artillery. He might not fold for me but he will never be able to stand up to "him" hurting the kids. "JIPT I'm telling the kids".

You.... Not just yet.

She is waiting for you to fold. You keep the hungry wolves of reality at bay.

Think of this as no different than dealing with a heroin addict. They will do anything to keep using. Anything! She is trying to stop the intervention you are getting ready to do. She will either wake up or stay an addict. The worst thing you can do for an addict is enable them. Some of them keep using. At that point the best thing you can do is stay away from them.

I get how you feel. Dude you are like the abused woman that's getting beat up and seeing her relationship how it was before the punches started. Even though she is "in love" do you think she is better off with her abuser?

Think about that....

If you fold she doesn't have to change. She REALLY doesn't want to change. She likes her life just fine. She knows if she gives in her way of life is over.

You owe it to your kids to be the leader. You owe it to your kids to not stand for a home with a wife that cheats. I reconciled so I'm not telling you not to do that. I think this is the only way you reconcile. I have done what you are doing and it worked. Me and my wife are better for it.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 10:34 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Damaged. You are right. My best friend has a theory: she killed the marriage in her heart a long time ago. She cheated thinking that would end the marriage. When i forgave and urged R she had a spark of maybe but the messiness and vilnerability if healing and amending her devastation is more responsibility thAn her selfish defensiveness can comprehend.

I wish i could just be stoic like her. But i wont sell my soul for that.

Thank you everyone. You are like family. Your words are helping me inch through the day.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 28th (Friday)

The more I think about it the more I think she is bluffing in hopes you will cave. Her "hand" sucks. You are holding 4 aces.

I think she asked you to hold off filing so her parents could see them as a delaying tactic. She is still trying to impose her will on you.

You want to see a change in her? From this point forward do EXACTLY as you wish without any regard for her at all. She will not like this but she will not ignore it. You will be shoving her out of her comfort zone and she is going to respond like a petulant child.

Keep walking your path...


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, March 28th (Friday)

She didnt want papers sent to attorney prior to her patents seeing. Thats all.

She is in a midlife crisis for sure. Her next boyfriend will be 3o ish tatooed and gruff. She has been drawn to the construction manly man look over past couple years. I sm a business man. Dont fit the bill


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, March 28th (Friday)

JIPT,

She isn't being stoic, she is just being emotionally dead towards you.

Please do not engage her---no matter how badly that you want to do so. It will only set you back.

I am sorry for what you are going through. A remorseless spouse is one of the worst things to deal with. To be discarded...so easily...from their lives, is just incomprehensible to most people.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, March 28th (Friday)

She didnt want papers sent to attorney prior to her patents seeing

I seriously hope that you aren't going to even consider doing this. That's going to be like warmly inviting the wolf into the chicken coop.
If you decide to file, then just fill out the paperwork and file it. Your WW will be able to *see* the papers when they are served to her, and then she can show them to her parents if she wants to.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, March 28th (Friday)

did you send the papers to her parents yet? I don't think you should.

I'm with damaged -- I think she thinks you are going to back down again.

when you fall off of the 180 horse (text:Cuddle) you need to get back on again. She isn't taking this seriously and knows she can manipulate you. She really needs to see what it's like without you. -- You shouldn't be working 40 hours making dinner for everyone and cleaning the house for everyone.

Do more, just you and the kids things. Do more things just for you. Tell her to get a full time job. Stop funding her hobbies...

[This message edited by Freeme at 11:10 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


Posts: 241 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Yes she said to serve her papers last night. Should next week. I just feel weak. Willing to do anything to save M gets me thinking desperate thoughts. I just want a miracle i guess.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
justastatistic
New Member
Member # 36314
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Agree wholeheartedly with others that have said just have her served. She can show the papers to her parents, why should you have to do it?

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jul 2012
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Where I find I challenge myself is I say okay she wasn't willing for transparency or IC or church but she did say let's start by just being friends. Did I miss the opportunity to R by wanting more too quick? Did i file too quick? These r those questions that drive me crazy.

Her willingness to actively invest in R is not there. I just struggle to understand. Crazy


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, March 28th (Friday)

I'm thinking you should tell the kids first. Don't give her that power, no telling how she is framing the story to suit her in the long run.

[This message edited by twisted at 11:48 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 28th (Friday)

you weren't friends, you were married. she just wanted you to back off so she could continue in her affairs. as a husband, would you be okay with your wife having a boyfriend?

you are doing the right thing.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2977 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Try this.. tomorrow morning get up, get dressed and leave. Do not tell her where you are going. If she asks tell her there is something you have to take care of.

Stay gone all day. Go to the movies or anywhere, just be gone.

Her reaction when you get back will tell you everything. If she doesnt care she won't inquire where you have been. If she does she will DEMAND to know.

BTW I did this and when I walked back through the door I was whistling. At that moment everything changed.

Do not tell under any circumstances. It's your world now.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 11:36 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 28th (Friday)

I already know. She wont care where ive been. Total abandonment. She told me last week when i adk where she is I am trying to control her. Have always wanted to know what shes up to. It was checking on her other casual " hey what u up to".

Yeah. As i read what i type i realize i have to move from hope to revovery.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Just try it and see what happens... Come back like the world is perfect. She will doubt her resolve.

Right now in her delusional mind she is the high value property. You are reinforcing this. Once you stop doing it she will notice.

Act like this is the best thing that ever happened to you. The sad part is, from what you described it may be.

This is your world, we and her are all just guests there.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, August 8th (Friday)

I know it has been a long time and you may not be checking in here often ... I am just wondering how you are doing, Justin?

I hope you are doing well.


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 80