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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Should i help WS find a place?
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, March 28th (Friday)

Hello SI
My WS is suggesting that we live separately as a possible way for us to begin a R - 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' type of thing i guess. He wants to see if he misses me? Because right now he says ILYBINILWY

It was a suggestion and i havnt told him yet but I am in agreeance, just not for the same reasons. Im tired of his crap at this point. He is still lying abt the A. Just because i dont have undeniable proof? u can still see what picture a puzzle will make even though all the pieces arent there. I am not stupid

Hotel charges on his debit stmt, him sleepg on the couch, text msgs to her sayg 'i love u, im crazy for u', phn calls lastg 247 min, her fuckn scarf in his gym bag, her BS havg her ass under surveillance w a VAR, the way he allows her to speak to him, him concernd that she is questiong his loyalty but i get his scraps and crumbs... I could go on

Is it wrong for me to help him find a place? Should i give him a time limit?
I feel crazy


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Mar 2014
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, March 28th (Friday)

Hefty bagging his shit to the front lawn would be helpful.

Like that song: Pack up your things, I've made up your mind.

Tell him yes - you want him out. Do you own or rent? Have you talked to a L? I'd talk to a few, pick one and get your ducks in a line.

Prepare, prepare, prepare. If he happens to pull his head out of his arse your prep will still come in handy.

The texts you saw are undeniable proof. You don't need to wait for a confession that will never come and you don't need to walk in on them.

Put a keylogger on his PC - if he has an iPhone track all of his SMSs, put a VAR in his car. Any one of those will give you the proof you need. There is no such thing as undeniable when dealing with these douchebags - I've read on here of a guy who was walked in on in the act and STILL denied it.

If he misses you? That's called cake-eating and he has you as a Plan B in case things don't work out with his GF.

Unbelievable. Common but I'm still shocked at the shit they think they can get away with. The arrogance is astonishing.

I know your head is spinning right now. I know how afraid and hurt you are right now. But know this - the fear is worse than that which you fear.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5533 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, March 28th (Friday)

SBB knows her shit, friend. My circumstances were a little different, but I went through similar ridiculous denials in the face of facts.

You don''t need undeniable proof. You know exactly what''s been going on. I''m sorry you''re going through this!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1830 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, March 28th (Friday)

I'd help him only by shoving his crap into Hefty bags & pitching them out the front door. That's as much help as I'd provide.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9519 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 28th (Friday)

I think it is going to drive you nuts if you help him set up his love nest... cause that is what this is going to be. It is expensive setting up a second home (at least it can be) and what he spends while married becomes marital debt...

Have you consulted with a lawyer yet? I'd be pushing him right off the fence and having him served. (Not what I really did, mind you -- what I wish I had done )


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, March 28th (Friday)

I'm going to be completely honest with you. I have been here on SI for over 10 years. Any time a WS wants to "live separately as a way to begin R", what it really means is that they want to continue their A without you getting in the way.

He doesn't want to see if he misses you, he wants to see what it's like to live like a single man, to do what he wants, to see who he wants.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3310 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, March 28th (Friday)

I'm going to be completely honest with you. I have been here on SI for over 10 years. Any time a WS wants to "live separately as a way to begin R", what it really means is that they want to continue their A without you getting in the way.
He doesn't want to see if he misses you, he wants to see what it's like to live like a single man, to do what he wants, to see who he wants.

This is the truth of the situation.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9519 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 28th (Friday)

He doesn't want to see if he misses you, he wants to see what it's like to live like a single man, to do what he wants, to see who he wants

So, so, soooo very true. My STBXW did this very thing and got her own apartment but still couldn't tell me if she really wanted to D. She claimed to want "space" to think things through. I knew exactly what was going on.

Imagine how shocked she was about a month later into her "living as a single" when I hit her with my discussion about finding myself a lawyer.

My advice is don't tell him you're talking to lawyers. Just do it and serve him with papers instead to get the maximum effect.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 445 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, March 28th (Friday)

I figured thats what it was. Someplace to do his dirt in private. I also thought for the last few months that he wanted me to find out so i could put him out and he wouldnt look like the bad guy by leaving on his own.

Lawyer- just a bit but not a full fledged consultation
Keylogger- done
Sms tracker- his phn is passwd protectd and idk how to get around that. Im not eligible for that forum yet :-)
VAR- i will get one

We dont own, we r in an apartment

He pissd me off so bad- the last time we talkd i told him that she doesnt love him. i tried to get him to come clean he would not, got mad, then left to go to 'the store'... stayd out for 4 hrs and when i checkd the phn records i could see that he calld her not more than 5 min after he left and talkd for an hr. i know he went and told her all abt what i said.

That thread about 'affairing down' is so true. This cow has 6 kids (three dads) and is married. They work together and he has been applauding her work for yrs. now i know why. How could he possibly consider leaving his family to be part of another? Especially a situation like that? Nothg but drama

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 11:32 AM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Mar 2014
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, March 28th (Friday)

You might also consider leaving and getting your own place.

But otherwise, no, I would not help WS find a place.
Fuck him.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - R looks possible..

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6359 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, March 28th (Friday)

Oh no i aint goin nowhere!
I will not uproot my kids and put that stress on myself. Plus, this was my dads place and im not leavg it to him


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Mar 2014
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, March 28th (Friday)

Does her husband know? Once he is out of your home I would meet her husband and show him all of the evidence you have. He'll then check up on her and find his own evidence.

Lawyer up. Keep all documentation and valuables somewhere offsite. Prepare yourself for him to get nasty. The whole 'time to think' could be him getting his ducks in a row.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5533 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Since you say he suggested the separation idea, hefty bags is the only part of that plan I would help with. The bonus is you choose what stays and what goes.

And maybe he already has a plan anyway, so stop being nice and thinking of ways to help him. Think of how YOU can help YOU.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2104 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

I am not tryg to be nice really, just wanna speed things along. I have a feeling he will start to backpedal once i let him know that i agree w him moving out.

Her husband is suspicious but im not sure what evidence he has besides the mp3s from the VAR.

He very well may be tryg to get ducks in a row. He was leaning on me to find work for a while but thats subsided. I hope he isnt tryg to get out of payg support


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Mar 2014
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

The first time Trac-fone left, I sent him a link to roommate.com. The last time, I packed his stuff (as in, gathered it up, not as in folding nicely and placing it in boxes or bags), moved it from the master bedroom (as in, chucked it into the basement), and told him he had the rest of the week to get out, and I didn't care how--and that if that was a problem, he could make it the rest if the day. Within ten minutes, he had a place lined up. He'd depleted resources moving back home, and left with what he could carry in the car.

When they know you mean business, it's amazing: they can manage to move all by themselves.

No, don't help him. This is not a fun adventure, akin to a child getting his first apartment. It's a consequence of choosing, with infidelity, not to live with his wife any longer. Every cheater knows, before cheating, that s/he will potentially be faced with this. That he doesn't want to do the work required is simply another demonstration of his lack of regard/respect.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8559 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Every cheater knows, before cheating, that s/he will potentially be faced with this. That he doesn't want to do the work required is simply another demonstration of his lack of regard/respect.

Boy, isn't that the truth! Looking at it from that perspective, you can then understand why they've been acting like self entitled teenagers.

They demand to be treated like adults, while afforded the benefits of a minor.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 445 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

I would suggest that you see an attorney first before you do anything. In fact, see a couple and know your rights.

He is actively in his affair. There is NO reconciliation at this point. He's looking for his own place so he doesn't have to spend $$ on a hotel to be with her.

I would also tell him that if he does move out there is no going back. It's a path to divorce.

Tell the OW's spouse what you know or tell him that you highly suspect it. Don't give your information/proof away at this point but give him enough details to keep him hyper vigilant. Tell him when you know your WH got a hotel (dates) and to check her phone records of the amount of the calls they have going on between each other.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
one2ndchance
Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

'absence makes the heart grow fonder'

It's really more like "out of sight, out of mind"

I packed up a suitcase, took it to his office, and told him not to come home because locks had been changed.

Is it wrong for me to help him find a place?

Yes. You are not his mother. If he can find an ow, he can find a place to live.

Should i give him a time limit?

No. Regain your self respect and refuse to spend one more day living with a man who is cheating on you. He needs to get out now.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

I will not uproot my kids and put that stress on myself. Plus, this was my dads place and im not leavg it to him

Definitely kick his butt out then...and no, do NOT help him find a new place.
He created this mess. Let him clean it up.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - R looks possible..

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6359 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Any time a WS wants to "live separately as a way to begin R", what it really means is that they want to continue their A without you getting in the way.
He doesn't want to see if he misses you, he wants to see what it's like to live like a single man, to do what he wants, to see who he wants.

Yes, that. And you should in NO way help him find that place.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2507 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

You don't need to help speed it along. Tell him to get out-now-today. Just go-get out.

You don't owe him any reason to make this comfy and fun. This is what all the suggestions with the hefty bags are about.

Help him empty his clothing into trash bags and throw them out of the house.

I bet you can have that done in less than an hour. And BAM-everyone's happier.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 3:36 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

All good advice here. Just remember, he in no way helped you when he decided to tear your life apart for that skank, so just give him the same amount of consideration that he gave to you. And that would be none.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3310 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

Thanks for your replies.
I will check on lawyers and support
I am not so comfortable with puttg him out right away because i would like to line up my ducks, make sure me and the kids will be ok. But dont worry i will do it. I know its necessary

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 11:27 AM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

I found out that he applied for an apt, after tellg me he wants to try to work things out. Why hasnt he mentiond that he is actively looking to move out?
He just suggestd separation; this is a big move he is makg in silence. Wow


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 211 | Registered: Mar 2014
one2ndchance
Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Why hasnt he mentiond that he is actively looking to move out?

He's been hiding so much from you for so long. Do you really think he's going to tell you anything about his plans?

I strongly suggest you get to a lawyer asap. For all you know, he's moving money out of accounts so he can hide them during disclosure. This will affect you financially.

You're sleeping with the enemy, honey. He's making all sorts of plans that don't include you. He thinks you're weak because you know about his cheating and yet have continued to act like his loving wife.

You are NOT weak. Show him!


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

^^What she said.

Do not expect in S/D what you did not get in your M.

He didn't tell you the truth I. Your M. He hasn't acted with integrity or honour in your M. He will not suddenly start now.

Instead of focussing on him and what he's doing/not doing start focussing on you. What are you doing to protect yourself?

It's easy for him because he detached from you even before he started cheating. This is new to you so you're reeling. I know it because I was too.

A year from now you'll read a post just like this and you'll be swinging the biggest 2x4s gently at the poster.

You'll be kicking yourself for not protecting yourself. I know I did.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5533 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 26