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User Topic: Need your guys insight on my marriage counsellor pls
sad34
Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, March 28th (Friday)

So our first session seemed great and the second wasn't horrible. Its something she said that really pissed me off. I told her that WS during our talks acts irrational and does inconsiderate things, like name calling and threatening to leave. I told her that I'm the one that's suppose to be on the roller coaster and he's suppose to be my rock.
Nope, she says he's allowed to be on a roller coaster to because it's just as difficult for him.
Wtf.....our entire marriage has been all about him and now it continues to be. Somebody freaking shoot me....I'm sick of being the stable one our entire marriage and he's always poor me, my poor self esteem....Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........
P.s. I have always always always helped him with his elf esteem issues it's not like I'm dismissing that but for Pete sakes let me have a turn.

[This message edited by sad34 at 10:12 PM, March 28th (Friday)]


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, March 28th (Friday)

Well he is on a roller coaster, but he hopped on this ride himself. You were forced on.

For me #1. Name calling is never ok if you are really trying to R.

Threats to walk out undermine R and wash away any previous safe feelings you have started to store up.

If he is going to take his ball and go home everytime the game doesn't go his way I would invite him to go now.

If he is unable to handle your pain and anger in a situation he created he has no business pretending to want to R.

I suggest you find him an IC, MC is for repairing the marriage and IMO it appears he still has plenty of work to do on him.

I would not return to this MC if she didn't call him out on his childish behavior


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, March 28th (Friday)

Well he is on a roller coaster, but he hopped on this ride himself. You were forced on.

Omgosh, this is the perfect way to put this.

You are exactly right. He IS supposed to be your rock. For once. And not only will it help you, it will help HIM. It will help him redeem himself. He will feel better for doing it.

If you think this MC is half decent, I would tell her these things and address them in session. Ours has said some stuff that didn't sit well with us, but we called her on it and she adjusted her approach with us. If yours won't adjust to your needs then find another MC.

Good luck.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Ivyivy
Member
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, March 28th (Friday)

This sounds like my experience with MC and I have stopped going. I do not buy that WS is in the same place that I am. He made a choice, I did not. I was in the dark for years, playing pretend loving family while he was our f'ing his girlfriend. So under no circumstances do I buy a description where we are both going through the same thing. If we are then I want my D right now. If he wants me, it is his place to make the sacrifices necessary to keep me. Otherwise, I am better off on my own. I have put up with alot over the years - but I am done with that. I would rather be alone than have to deal with his shit if he cannot get remorse together and help me through the hell he has created.


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, March 28th (Friday)

I told her that WS during our talks acts irrational and does inconsiderate things, like name calling and threatening to leave.

... your dday is July 2012 and he is doing that?

There is something very wrong there with him if this is happening 21 months out.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7484 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, March 28th (Friday)

I think karmahappens summed it up perfectly.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

I'm not a huge fan of counselors and think the expectations some clients have are unrealistic. My H and I did not do MC at all. If anybody did any name calling after D-day, it was me. Not saying that is ever right, but I am positive I would have kicked his ass out the door for good if he had done that AFTER he cheated.

I'm not saying MC never does any good, but IMO the only time it might (in cases where there was infidelity) is when both the BS and WS go in looking to improve their M, looking for ways to get past the hurt and damage caused by infidelity. The WS would already need to be extremely remorseful and humble over what happened. (And yours sure does not sound like that). If he is name calling and always threatening to leave, and this is just me, I'd pack his things for him, and I would skip MC and go straight to a lawyer and file for a D.

If you go into it hoping the MC will help one or the other "see" that they need to change their ways and attitude, then I don't think it works. Change comes from within, and if the person had a huge desire to change the MC might be one of many tools that could help that happen.

There are probably better MCs than the one you have, but I still do not think this situation sounds hopeful. I'm sorry. (((sad34)))


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Of course your husband is allowed to be on rollercoaster too. Although he's not going through the same thing he's going through a traumatic emotional event albeit one he created. Of course he's allowed to feel what he feels.

What concerns me is that your MC failed to see that the ways in which he is dealing with and expressing his feelings are damaging to you and the marriage. The things you are describing are unacceptable at any time from either partner in the marriage. Your husband has to recognize that and he needs IC if this marriage is going to work. Moreover you need to change MCs.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 501 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
sad34
Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Thanks for all the great responses. I just think since the WS caused all this unhappiness that they should take more of an active role to heal the BS instead of me feeling like I'm still helping him to heal:(


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

I can relate to what your fWH does.

Only my fWH threatens D and to leave (I never have)and he calls me names too sometimes. He never leaves but the fact that he threatens has undermined and slowed our chance at R. I believe he is using passive aggressive moves when he does this and I call him on it. The one time I said okay he shut up and dropped it. And I will ask him if he has already envisioned his life without me which he doesn't like to hear.

I've asked him to stop doing this esp since hes not serious. I do have PTSD from his infidelity which has made a terrible situation much much worse.

I used to think my fWH was a great man who was very emotionally mature. Now I don't see him that way. He is just someone who keeps calm by compartmentalising. And my questions and comments make it hard for him to compartmentalise which is why he eventually has blow ups. But I do love him and I understand that he has poor coping skills so I patiently try to keep slogging thru this crappy situation I find myself in thru no choice or fault of my own.

I've also told him that because he keeps making things about him that that is slowing down my healing process. And that makes me frustrated and sad and lose hope. He keeps trying but he's still slips.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:38 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

I like what Dr. Phil always says to the WS..."you drove it off into the ditch, it is your responsibility to get it back on the road". It sounds as if your WS needs more help on his self esteem than you can give him. He needs IC, either along with MC or instead of MC for the time being. It is not your job to fix him or make the path to healing easier for him. It hurts him, it should hurt him, and you should not be held responsible for mediating his pain.

Remember, therapists come from many schools, each with its own agenda for teaching. They take a state licensing test that only tests for concrete answers. There is great leeway after that concerning focus, preference, personal bias and professional experience. Both of our therapists have been men in the 60 year age range. Both were published in marriage repair after infidelity and one was a department head at a university. Look for credentials. You are employing them.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
sad34
Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Thanks again for your responses. It helps me to put everything Into perspective and really think. I loved the post about dr Phil, very good analogy.


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Topic Posts: 12