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User Topic: Justified affairs
broken313
Member
Member # 39006
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

I struggle now as a person who is coming to terms with my FWH affair to have detached conversations about an A. Some of my friends were talking about how an A was justified if the AP was a true soulmate, the couple had a strong connection, and if they were unhappy in their marriage.
Before dday I probably would have said the same, maybe. I was wondering what you guys thought about this? We convince ourselves the AP was inferior etc, would it have been ok if they were perfect for your partner?


Me 42
FWH 39
3 kids, 13,8,6
Dday 3/30/13
R- fragile

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Those friends sound like idiots.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9317 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
CheshCat
Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Its COMPLETELY justified ...

If you're honorable & divorce first.

Of course, catch22, that means the affair never happened.

_________

People like to believe that the ends justify the means.
They say they don't
But as a species... We look at something good, and it MUST have come from good. So if it's a good marriage, it means the affair was justified. Meanwhile. Bad, and it came from bad. Clearly, the obnoxious kid has bad parents.

Right?
Right?

Not that simple.

Good things are born from tragedy, and tragedy follows the best actions.

It does a disservice to all to equate morality with results.
Good results do NOT mean the way one got them was justified.

The ends simply don't justify the means.

Ever.

Chesh



"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

This

justified if the AP was a true soulmate, the couple had a strong connection, and if they were unhappy in their marriage

Is justification for friendship certainly, for divorce perhaps at times (that can be argued...my wife and I've had our troubles but I didn't go looking for a soul mate to help me in my life).

But affairs, they are one thing, and one thing only.

Affairs are betrayal, of a most insidious type.

Your friends don't know shit. Just like me, before my dday.

I thought I knew what it would be like, I had no clue. Before that, I would never have wanted to visit that on to my wife. Now, now that I truly know what it feels like, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 912 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

ignorance is bliss....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Credence
Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Nothing can justify the pain and emotional damage that an affair has on a BS. It's like trying to justify domestic abuse - it is NEVER acceptable!!!


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 182 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

The opinions and attitudes of your friends nicely illustrate why infidelity is so prevalent. Many people think this way, obviously.

I,still go back to the wedding vows. Ask your friends if they had this exception clause written-in to the vows they spoke during their weddings. Ask them also if they would be ok if their spouse cheated under those circumstances.

It's uninformed, morally bankrupt, shallow thinking.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 927 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

That is total BS in my honest opinion, and it sounds
Ike your friends are priming themselves for their own affair.

No affair is justified. Ever. Period.

If you are not happy, leave. End. Of. Story.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 533 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Mom4ever
Member
Member # 40516
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

nomistakeaboutit summed it up perfectly I think.

If you are not happy, want to look for a soulmate, want to date and see what other options are out there (not that any of that is right), then divorce your spouse first, period. That at least shows respect to them and to yourself. Cheating is a choice. Decisions are made, even if they are made in a split second. There are consequences to all decisions.

I also agree with Nature_Girl, those friends do sound like idiots. If that's truly how they feel, sounds like they are totally open to having affairs themselves if someone comes along and peaks their interest. Do you really think if they were betrayed in this manner by their spouse they would just shrug it off and say, oh, it's ok, you know they just had a stronger connection than we did... I'm fine with it because I want my spouse to be happy and have whatever and/or whoever they want whenever they want them... or, well, I was wrong when I thought we were soulmates because my spouse has assured me that they have found their true soulmate now and I wish them the best? I don't think so. I think they would be just as devastated, hurt, and angry as the rest of us.


BW - me 43
WH - 45
M - 22.5 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
Divorcing
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
Howie
Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

No, the lies and deception -making another person a slave of untruth,are never justified.Period.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jan 2014
StorybookGirl42
Member
Member # 42276
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Affairs are not justified, period.

If you are in a relationship that you are unhappy in, feel your needs are not being met, meet someone you'd rather be with, etc...GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP.

That simple.

Thing is, when people have affairs, it isn't based in reality, typically. It is all about the fantasy and the clandestine stuff. It's exciting and fun, but the idea of actually leaving their relationship scares the bejeezus out of them. Why? Because deep down they know that the fling likely won't stand up to reality if they were having a legit relationship.

There are always exceptions to the rule on that last bit, though. My dad couldn't stop cheating on my mom through their marriage. She finally threw him out after catching him and his last fling in bed together. They've now been married for 30 years. I still resent the fact that my dad broke so many promises to my mom. He even says their marriage failed mostly because of him, because he never did follow through on any of the things he should have done and doesn't blame my mom for divorcing him.

My husband, knowing this, made a promise to never cheat on me. I told him not to make a promise he couldn't keep. He swore he wasn't. He cheated on me. I still haven't forgiven him for that broken promise.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014
jpumpkin
Member
Member # 42148
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

I hate that soul mate crap. I've never bought into it. Not even when I was young and naive. Here's the thing: if you are doing what your suppose to do and honoring your spouse, you have boundaries that would keep you from ever getting to know someone in such a way that would lead you to believe they were your soul mate. So just finding a "soul mate" in the first place outside of your spouse is an unjustifiable act.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Sounds like justification for selling your soul to the devil.

Integrity is the value at hand here. If you cheat you violate the very foundation of your character.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

T/j......and to add to what justinpain just said, it is that, the betraying of your character,,which should bring about snot dripping, begging for forgiveness, true feelings of remorse. When remorse is not present, you can't help but question someone's True character.
T/j over.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 927 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

I probably said something similar to this before my DDAY - but now I know better. Your friends aren't BS I take it? Ignorance is bliss.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
kate0421
Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Thus is why I HATE HATE HATE how movies and shows make A justified for true love. I believe it's were alot of people get their POS. I've never thought that shit was ok. Get divorced. Then start dating. Ugg


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 267 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

OXYMORONS:

clearly confused
jumbo shrimp
random order
pretty ugly
small crowd
short wait
tiny elephant
quiet presence
sweet agony
JUSTIFIED AFFAIR


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2609 | Registered: Jan 2010
kate0421
Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Point of view*


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 267 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Those friends will probably be on this site someday....With a whole new perspective...I personally have learned not to be so opinionated and try to offer several outlooks, because you cant know until you experience these things...You cant begin to imagine the trauma...


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 885 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

There is absolutely nothing that justifies an affair. Not one single thing. Zip. Nada. Nope. Not happening. Nothing.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

I'm going to make my last stand. This time I can't be bought. Then again on the other hand, how much have you got? - Todd Snider


Posts: 314 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Soulmates, sure. A concept where two people are halves of the same soul, drifting around gloomily through the cosmos, recycling flesh until they finally by sheer happenstance stumble into the other half. In the meantime, they form other bonds and relationships, all of which are substandard in comparison to the untold magical wonders of an astral conscious coupling. This means anyone who isn't a mate to this poor, wounded spirit is an emotional crutch, like a much loved pet.

Short version: soulmate = psychic vampire. HEY LETS SUCK THE LIFE FROM PEOPLE WE MEET UNTIL WE RUN INTO SOMEONE ELSE WHO DOES THE SAME THING.

Both the AP and WS are inferior in the sense they lied and cheated among anything else involved in an affair. The reason there is any kind of redemption story involved is because you have to be a real fuckup to start that redemption. What the fuck is there to redeem otherwise? Scrubbing that out and making an affair acceptable means making all the accoutrements of an affair acceptable - deception, dishonesty, selfishness, cruelty, et al.

Those attributes are universal to infidelity. You cannot have an affair without selfishness, without deception, without cruelty to some degree. These attributes are universally villainous - so infidelity, with some very rare exceptions, is never anything more than a tawdry little thing blown up to be more than it is because it lacks any real substance.

What exceptions are there? Maybe an arranged marriage where one spouse was forced by family and society to marry someone who is brutal and makes their life miserable and they happen to meet someone kind and loving. That is pretty much a non-start in western society though, so there is no room for moral in betweens. The real problem people have is that they're too lazy or selfish to do the right thing or maintain proper boundaries, or have enough respect for the person they profess to love and trust. Maybe there are affair partners perfectly suited for one another. Maybe there are situations where two people meet and are a wonderful match, but are already in a relationship. There are ways to go about that in an honest and respectable way - but there's nothing honest or respectable about an affair.

Affair partners are thieves - they take what they can steal. There are very, very few thieves who steal bread to survive, but there are a whole damn lot of people who put up that argument when it comes to justifying theft.

eta:

Though I like to think it goes without saying, I do not think of these things in absolutes. People *can* change for the better, with honest and hard work. Those are people who want that redemption. There are plenty around here who have proven the truth to that - good people who fucked up and worked hard to not be that way.

If there is such a thing as soulmates then that takes all their hard work and throws it out the window. In itself a repugnant concept.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:59 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7370 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

I haven't read any replies. Stated off the original premise.

would it have been ok if they were perfect for your partner?

Sure, if I viewed my partner as a person willing to break their vows and break up a family for a supposed *twin flame*. In that case, I would question why I picked such a loser in the first place.(I've done it 5 times, not slamming you) There's a reason that when they say *Honey, they always affair down* is accurate.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2582 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

If your spouse pulled a gun on you because you irritated them and did not have sex with them how and where they wanted it, your spouse would be considered an abuser.

If your spouse continually called you nasty names and threw the dinner you cooked for them on the floor, your spouse would be considered an abuser.

If your spouse drove you and the kids wildly around town while drunk on vodka, your spouse would be considered an abuser.

If your spouse finds their soulmate, f**ks them, lies to you, leaves you and the kids while acting like a love drunk fool, and splits your soul wide open inflicting the worse pain you have ever felt, your spouse is considered a star crossed lover.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1403 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

No affairs are never okay and never warranted. I have zero tolerance for adultery and always have.

Any relationship born of an A is built on a foundation of deceit and cruelty. Nothing good can come from a beginning like this and there will be a day of reckoning for both parties no matter how perfect they feel they are for each other.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 485 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Here's the thing: if you are doing what your suppose to do and honoring your spouse, you have boundaries that would keep you from ever getting to know someone in such a way that would lead you to believe they were your soul mate. So just finding a "soul mate" in the first place outside of your spouse is an unjustifiable act.

This is exactly how I feel about that.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 831 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Soulmates, sure. A concept where two people are halves of the same soul, drifting around gloomily through the cosmos, recycling flesh until they finally by sheer happenstance stumble into the other half. In the meantime, they form other bonds and relationships, all of which are substandard in comparison to the untold magical wonders of an astral conscious coupling. This means anyone who isn't a mate to this poor, wounded spirit is an emotional crutch, like a much loved pet.

Short version: soulmate = psychic vampire. HEY LETS SUCK THE LIFE FROM PEOPLE WE MEET UNTIL WE RUN INTO SOMEONE ELSE WHO DOES THE SAME THING.

I absolutely love this explanation. It shows in so many ways what is broken with the soul mate mentality. Thank you.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

I'm going to make my last stand. This time I can't be bought. Then again on the other hand, how much have you got? - Todd Snider


Posts: 314 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
broken313
Member
Member # 39006
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Thanks guys, I knew I would find sense here. Of course my ' friends' havent been through this, and are ignorant.
I have become quite twisted by all this crap in my life, sometimes I wonder if it isnt always black and white. I think with cheating it is and nothing will ever make it right.


Me 42
FWH 39
3 kids, 13,8,6
Dday 3/30/13
R- fragile

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2013
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Soulmates, sure. A concept where two people are halves of the same soul, drifting around gloomily through the cosmos, recycling flesh until they finally by sheer happenstance stumble into the other half. In the meantime, they form other bonds and relationships, all of which are substandard in comparison to the untold magical wonders of an astral conscious coupling. This means anyone who isn't a mate to this poor, wounded spirit is an emotional crutch, like a much loved pet.
Short version: soulmate = psychic vampire. HEY LETS SUCK THE LIFE FROM PEOPLE WE MEET UNTIL WE RUN INTO SOMEONE ELSE WHO DOES THE SAME THING.

I'm sorry for laughing, but thank you for this. You have described it perfectly.

Anytime I've heard people speak of soulmates, I imagine some wispy teen girl, with unicorn and Steely Dan posters all over wall, stuffed animals all over her bed, with the name of her crush written all over her Lisa Frank folders and a bootleg copy of Forever hidden under her mattress.

I swear I cannot imagine a grown person, especially a man, using this term. But I have heard it or at least similar things.

It simply so stupid. It doesn't even make sense.
To use it to justify an affair it's just stupid is all I can really say.

I have never experiences any mention of soulmate from my WS. But the AP of my exwh almost implied it. I would bet she used this term. She used the terms "best friends" like it was some deep, mystical place, in fact she told me this while bawling and even said I just didn't understand what 'best friends' they were!!! OMG.



Me - maybe BW
He - maybe WH
both 40ish

My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first marriage had LTA. DDAY was November 2003.
Current marriage:
2/2013 Busted him at strip club.
then...
Porous boundaries w/ ho-worker


Posts: 282 | Registered: Feb 2014
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Your friends need to lay off the crappy movies like The Notebook or Brothers.

The worst justification I've heard is cheating gave the Wayward the strength to leave a bad relationship. It gave them hope that there were others out there, and they were worth it!

Yeah, really empowering.

Additionally, the term "twin flames" sounds like a child's game like Pretty Pretty Princess. Adults actually believe in this stuff?

[This message edited by Stillstings at 1:30 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Aug 2012
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Hmmmmm...this doesn't make any logical sense to me. The assumption would be that people get married because they have already found their soul mate, that one person they cant live without. So, if you didn't marry your soul mate, then how do you find your soul mate and legitimize an affair? Keep dating even while you are married? What the hell was the point of getting married in the first place? Just stay single and keep searching for your soul mate. Using the logic that these friends are using, I then say that people who got married and then found their soul mate because of an affair, settled for someone who wasn't their soul mate the first time around because they are so broken they are scared to be alone. So we come back to the main reason for affairs.....the WS are broken people. Saying an A happened because a WS found their soul mate is just painting it a different color and putting flowers on it to hide the cracks.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
zebra25
Member
Member # 29431
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Why bother with marriage vows? Or at the very least change them up a bit. For better or for worse or until I find my real soumate.


Me-BS 40's
Him-WH 40's
D-day April 2010
Married-20+yrs

Posts: 677 | Registered: Aug 2010
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Why bother with marriage vows? Or at the very least change them up a bit. For better or for worse or until I find my real soumate.

More like for better, worse or until I find someone who seems better on the surface.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

I'm going to make my last stand. This time I can't be bought. Then again on the other hand, how much have you got? - Todd Snider


Posts: 314 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

I cannot and will not go as far as to say an affair can be fully justified, however, I have found one instance that I do not condemn it.

After my D-Days and decision to divorce a close of mine confessed to me that she was having an affair and had been for over two years. She did not enter into it lightly, and gave her marriage and her husband every chance she could to improve. She begged him, she pleaded, she bought books, she asked for marital counseling, and she put her heart and soul into her marriage and her husband; only to be rejected and cast aside each and every time.

It came to the point she either had to choose to divorce, get a full-time job and hand her children over to father that showed minimal interest in them, 50% of the time; or she could stay married and live without love; or she could stay married and find companionship and love outside the marriage. She chose the option I would not have chosen for myself.

Perhaps I do not see it as too dissimilar to a BS who chooses to stay in a marriage to a person they know (or they assume) will not become remorseful and fully join in the marriage. They make a choice of the lesser of two evils for reasons other than love.

I do not know that it fully justifies it, however, I also have a difficult time throwing stones at a person that has done everything in their power to make a marriage work, but has an unwilling spouse. Vows are broken and love is betrayed by affairs and by a person too lazy to *love and to cherish*, and I can tell you the pain she felt by her husband choosing not to love her was devastating to her.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

My mum had an exit A. She's been with her AP for 20 years now, married for 11. He's my step dad and has been a wonderful addition to my life. I was lucky enough to have three adults invested in my upbringing, who all loved and supported me and still continue to do so. Regardless of how it came about, I'm glad my step dad has been in my life and now my children are lucky enough to have three amazing grandparents.

Was it tough at the time? Sure. Was it justified? Nope. It was an affair, they're never justifiable. Did it all work out in the end? Of course.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:15 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1215 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
sidney2718
New Member
Member # 41190
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

I agree with the overwhelming majority. But I can think of one type of almost infidelity that can be justified.

This is most apt to happen later in life when, for whatever reason, illness, physical problems, etc., one partner is totally unable to provide sex. Many think it is unacceptable to divorce over this because of one's obligation to one's marriage partner.

A sensible partner will sometimes allow, explicitly or not, their spouse to have a physical affair. I know of cases like this. Of course since the disabled spouse knows about it, it isn't really an affair.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Northeast US
freeatlast72
Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

I swear I cannot imagine a grown person, especially a man, using this term. But I have heard it or at least similar things.

My STBXWH used this when he described how he felt about OW. He also said they were "best friends".....Idiot! What were we for 15 years!?!?

Cheating is NEVER justified! I keep telling everyone this, but if he was unhappy whey did he not try to talk about it, try to work on our marriage and if it did not work out, then LEAVE!! At least we would have tried!


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

I cannot and will not go as far as to say an affair can be fully justified, however, I have found one instance that I do not condemn it.

I really try not to be absolute about many things, but with this I feel like I have to be. Anything that could be used to justify an affair can be better handled by ending the relationship.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

I'm going to make my last stand. This time I can't be bought. Then again on the other hand, how much have you got? - Todd Snider


Posts: 314 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
zebra25
Member
Member # 29431
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

In sickness and in health or until you can no longer have sex. Again, why have vows. Marriage is not to be taken lightly and nobody promises it will be easy.


Me-BS 40's
Him-WH 40's
D-day April 2010
Married-20+yrs

Posts: 677 | Registered: Aug 2010
broken313
Member
Member # 39006
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Kierst, I am sorry, but I dont think your friends reasons are justified just because she tried. She is cake eating. She doesnt want to work full time and give up her current life. When her husband finds out, will he be ok with it because she had after all tried? I dont think so. He will be devatated, just like the rest of us have been. Your friend is looking out for herself having given up on the marriage. She is disrespecting her husband and her vows. Having been betrayed, I cant accept this at all.


Me 42
FWH 39
3 kids, 13,8,6
Dday 3/30/13
R- fragile

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2013
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

A sensible partner will sometimes allow, explicitly or not, their spouse to have a physical affair.

I don't see how adding a 3rd person to a marriage enduring challenging circumstances is sensible.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Aug 2012
dayatatime
Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

I think WH and OW were perfect for each other... he was a lying sack of shit and so was she.


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 764 | Registered: Nov 2007
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

I'm sorry. I didn't read the whole thread because all that keeps running through my mind is WTF is wrong with your friends and WHY are they still your friends??

Have they not seen firsthand what infidelity has done to you?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have


Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take h


Posts: 1734 | Registered: Aug 2013
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

After my D-Days and decision to divorce a close of mine confessed to me that she was having an affair and had been for over two years. She did not enter into it lightly, and gave her marriage and her husband every chance she could to improve. She begged him, she pleaded, she bought books, she asked for marital counseling, and she put her heart and soul into her marriage and her husband; only to be rejected and cast aside each and every time.

It came to the point she either had to choose to divorce, get a full-time job and hand her children over to father that showed minimal interest in them, 50% of the time; or she could stay married and live without love; or she could stay married and find companionship and love outside the marriage. She chose the option I would not have chosen for myself.

Your friend tells the same story many WS tell. The edited version she believes herself.

The reality is that she was too lazy and craven to deal with the hard reality. Yes - life is *fucking hard.* I found that out when I was 26 years old with a new baby living under the poverty line working 18 hours a day and still not making enough to keep the power on in the dead of winter.

She didn't choose to stay married in order to keep close to her kids because their father sucked, and find love where there was no love before. That's the magical fairy tale every WW that every BH in the ICR thread gets to read in emails, texts and journal entries after dday. That was me. You'd be amazed the differences in the stories told, and not just at the time between us, but between her then and her now.

Your friend chose to stay married and cheat on her husband because she was too weak to do anything else. Then she put the blame on him for her choices.

Yeah, it came to a choice, and she chose to be a shitty person. She isn't special. She's tawdry.

eta:

To be fair I was working 12 hours a day. The other 6 were the commute.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 7:03 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7370 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

After my D-Days and decision to divorce a close of mine confessed to me that she was having an affair and had been for over two years. She did not enter into it lightly, and gave her marriage and her husband every chance she could to improve. She begged him, she pleaded, she bought books, she asked for marital counseling, and she put her heart and soul into her marriage and her husband; only to be rejected and cast aside each and every time.

It came to the point she either had to choose to divorce, get a full-time job and hand her children over to father that showed minimal interest in them, 50% of the time; or she could stay married and live without love; or she could stay married and find companionship and love outside the marriage. She chose the option I would not have chosen for myself.

What a lovely, special snowflake this woman is. I am actually surprised that you bought into her martyrdom, Kierst. What a wonderful sacrifice this woman chose to make. She is fucking her AP to save her family and keep the family intact for her children. Wow. That must be so very hard for her to have to go and fuck her AP. Poor widdle baby.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9418 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Some of my friends were talking about how an A was justified if the AP was a true soulmate, the couple had a strong connection, and if they were unhappy in their marriage.

Ask them if they will feel this way when their son or daughter comes to them devastated and in tears after their family has been destroyed. How will they feel about the life that their grandchildren will have to endure now that they will come from a broken home?

Will they just tell their own son/daughter to just get over it because their spouse found their soulmate?

EVERY single person who is, has, or will be committing adultery is, has been , and will be doing something to someone that they will never, ever, under any circumstances want anyone to do to them. Ever.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 355 | Registered: May 2012
bigskyblues
Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

It seems our society places more focus on the "me" much more so that the "us", selfishness reins supreme. Also there seems to be little accountability for our actions, the perfect environment for the wayward.


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2012
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

Some of my friends were talking about how an A was justified if the AP was a true soulmate, the couple had a strong connection

Wait a second....isn't that the exact feelings they had with their spouses before they got married?


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2002 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

open secret larger half clearly confused
act naturally alone together Hell's Angels
found missing liquid gas civil engineer
deafening silence seriously funny living dead
Microsoft Works military intelligence jumbo shrimp
Advanced BASIC tragic comedy unbiased opinion
virtual reality definite maybe original copies
pretty ugly same difference plastic glasses
almost exactly constant variable even odds
minor crisis extinct life genuine imitation
exact estimate only choice freezer burn
free love working holiday rolling stop
Justified affairs...


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
wanttogoforward
Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

There are no justifications for an affair! NONE period!
If you are unhappy about something then tell the person you claim to love so much.... have actual talks about life and how you feel.

I have a friend that is doing just this right now... and some of my other friends are really having a hard time with it. I am finding myself hiding from it and avoiding talking about it.... she is married for like 10 years with two kids.... filed for divorce a few months ago.... BUT got emotionally involved and had a crush/ EA FIRST! That is what we are struggling with.... we understand your M was not perfect! None are.... we get there was a lack of sex.... many have this.... however..... tell him it is a dealbreaker.... file for D then.... don't fucking wait until you find another man you THINK will bring you happiness.... find the happiness you seek on your own instead of looking for it with another man.

I already know how this will turn out.... he will use her.... and she will be destroyed... and her kids will be destroyed as well because she is sleeping with a dad of her kids best friend.... so there will be collateral damage!


Posts: 1174 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

I'm going to throw a monkey wrench into this conversation. In general, I don't think there is any reason. However, as an older woman, who is seeing friends deteriorating with Alzheimers and Dementia, I can see an affair.

When your spouse no longer knows you, is it better to divorce them and have a relationsip or stay married, care for them the best you can, be it at home or in a home, and find companionship for yourself? Remember if you divorce, you give up many rights for their health care decisions.

NEVER and ALWAYS are two words that need to be used carefully.


Posts: 5611 | Registered: Jul 2002
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

Skye, someone came here a couple of years ago who knew someone in this exact situation. Wife with Alzheimers, but physically very healthy. She wasn't living at home anymore. The husband found someone and was dating but didn't want to divorce his wife. I understand that. The wife will not be hurt by this. However, their children and grandchildren could be hurt from this situation. It is a touchy situation and should be handled very carefully. I don't think I would say in this case the affair is justified but I will say it is understandable.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9418 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

SisterMilkshake, thank you for posting that. I was coming back to edit my post to address that exact issue. I also know people in this situation and their children did struggle with it. Ironically, those people are just the opposite of those in the OP who see affairs as romantic! Being elderly and alone (which is where I am) is very hard.

Again, I will reiterate, never and always are very strong words. Not everything is black and white.


Posts: 5611 | Registered: Jul 2002
Topic Posts: 52