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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Which is easier anger or indifference?
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Getting closer to the nesting being over. STBX came over to the house this morning to put the kids on the school bus. My son, ever the April fool, was ready to surprise her. That got her going with her own jokes.

Long story short, the interaction was a decent one. Chuckles all around. But I was moving myself to the door quickly because I didn't want to feel like it was the old normal. I didn't want to feel good about my STBX. I wasn't angry with her this morning, and I didn't feel a particular desire for the old connection....but it wasn't quite indifference yet.

Maybe the question should be, which is harder, anger or indifference. Anger is all consuming and it affects you. So it is hard on you to stay angry. But getting to indifference, the type where you can have a human interaction with the STBX, and then blow it off so you can move on with your life, is also hard to achieve.

Just some musings from this morning. I'm looking forward to the marital home being on the market. Soon. Very soon....hopefully by then the swamp that is my basement will have dried up.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 738 | Registered: Aug 2013
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Anger is easier.

Indifference is tougher to get to. But it's worth it.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Anger is about a million times easier. While it can be hard on you and it can get toxic if it gets out of hand, it means that there is still some emotion there. It means that there is still a connection to that person, regardless of whether it's a positive or negative feeling.

Getting to indifference means that all emotions are gone. There is no love and there is no hate. It's basically like dealing with a clerk at the store or a coworker that you see or speak to only a few times a year. It's like a flat line. That's what we all strive for and that's what we all yearn for when they are around us. If you just didn't care enough to be angry, life would be much easier.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2848 | Registered: Jan 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

It might be easier to get angry, but once you reach indifference, it's much easier. See, the thing about anger is that it still requires energy. Being angry wears you out, leaves you tired, burns you down, distracts you, holds you captive to focusing your energy on them.

Indifference though? You get all that energy back, because when it comes to your ex, you just don't even care enough to give a fuck. It takes no effort, no thought, no focus, no energy, no time - once you get there, indifference is essentially freedom from ever wasting another moment on them again.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
Starzjourney
Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

O man did I ever need to read this right now...thanks for the post kg201...Hugs...

Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

It may be easier to get angry, but once you reach indifference, you rarely get angry at that person. It's more like a 'shake my head; what an idiot' reaction.

Mind you, I had to get so angry--'good thing I don't have a baseball bat' angry--before something snapped and I hit indifference. Since then, it's been pretty peaceful. Once in a while he gets me going, but there's usually an external stress factor involved, like being sick.

NC is your friend. I hope you get there soon.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20325 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

It may be easier to get angry, but once you reach indifference, you rarely get angry at that person. It's more like a 'shake my head; what an idiot' reaction.
Ditto.
I'm at a point where I usually see exactly what XWH is trying to do with is mantrums and I just shake my head and laugh. It really is rather pitiful when you can read them like a book (especially since they tend to use the same tactics over and over).


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6589 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Don't rush through anger. It is healthy & healing. It helps you see things clearly & gives you energy. Anger has lessons you need to learn. If you deny anger or rush through it, you'll only end up in the school of hard knocks again to learn the lessons you avoided.

It's not a question of easier or harder. It's a question of what's necessary & healthy right now. If you're angry now, don't feel bad about it. Learn from it. Trust that when it no longer is beneficial for you, you'll know it and can then safely move past it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9857 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Good point NG. But what is the difference between healthy anger and unhealthy anger? Unhealthy sadness and healthy sadness? Is there an unhealthy indifference?

[This message edited by kg201 at 12:25 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 738 | Registered: Aug 2013
Starzjourney
Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

But what is the difference between healthy anger and unhealthy anger?

I am also interested in words of wisdom to this question since TODAY I would dearly love to see f'tard in my world be attacked by a pack of rabid dogs which does not seem very healthy but on the other hand playing this kind of mind movie on some level, provides a healthy perspective in realizing that I never needed someone in my life who can cause me to be able to see this movie so damn clearly in my head and not feel guilty about it...


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

I was just discussing anger in a PM with someone. Anger is far easier - and quicker - to achieve, and is the fuel that gets your arse moving toward divorce. Indifference is the end goal.

It would be lovely to just swing right into indifference, but we''re the loving, loyal spouses. It''s not as easy for us.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jan 2013
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Anger is a strong emotion, like love. It can become obsessive. Then it's unhealthy. If your anger consumes you all the time, if you want to see egregious harm come to the object of your anger, it's unhealthy IMO.

Getting on with your life and not caring about this person is much, much better for you. When and how you get there is personal.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20325 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Starzjourney
Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Not an intentional t/j...just an interest in exploration of the topic...

Lately I feel pretty indifferent to "him"...don't care one way or the other how his life is going or will end up...as another poster put it at one point something to the effect of feeling grateful to him in a sense for doing what he did otherwise I may not have found the courage to "free" myself from what I recognize now as an abusive/toxic/dysfunctional relationship.

On the level of anger, it isn't at him as much as it is in terms of doing what is best in the long run for me ultimately gives him some control in my life that I would rather he not have and I am so angry that I cannot just be completely free of him RIGHT NOW, today...when he exercises that control the anger at not being able to be LEGALLY free from him (and not just with D since I am tied to him on another legal matter for the next 3 1/2 years which he uses to screw with me)manifests itself in unhealthy imaginations such as rabid dogs inflicting external wounds equal to the internal wounds my association with him has left on my soul. Maybe then he would actually develop some empathy and just STOP...his whack job OW and her stalker friends too!!!

I am tying (as we all are) to heal...I feel like without my fantasies (maybe that's better than mind movies) I am going to snap one of these days and end up as some news story...not because he left, not because he is with her, not even because of the terrible ways that he hurt me...because he just wont leave me in peace...


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Starz, I think that is a really good point. What is the anger directed towards? Anger towards the affair and the various relational issues surrounding it is one thing (maybe the easier thing to move past?). Anger at continual abuse from the ex is different, because, I think you are right, as long as their inappropriate behavior continues towards you, then moving on is near to impossible.

So the question is, what supports, interventions (legal or otherwise) are possible to minimize or remove their abuse, thus providing the possibility of reducing anger?


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 738 | Registered: Aug 2013
invictus
Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

I think anger is easier. I aim for indifference, but when annoyances pile up, I really have to fight the anger.

I'm in angry mode right now and I am angry at the Ex for his failure to comply with the divorce terms he agreed to.

Hm. no... I'm not angry I'm FURIOUS. We've been divorced nearly five years and he still hasn't gotten his act together.


♥ BW (59) m. 31 years - Divorced in 2009. Living in low income apartment, but it isn't as bad as it sounds. ALMOST making ends meet. Anybody have a spare miracle?

Posts: 1871 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

I think anger has it's reason, I used anger to propel me forward. But, it was also exhausting. My mind was so wrapped up in…anger…that I couldn't see much else. Good for a little while, but not so good long term.

One day I realized I wanted the anger to end. That is when I went into therapy.

Now, 3 years later…he can come to my house and have dinner with us. We can sit and discuss our kids, but there is little other emotion at all. Indifference. I find it wonderfully easy. Once he leaves, he is out of my head. Kinda like an annoying relative that you have to like because of family ties. Not someone I would CHOOSE to be around. I am pleasant and neutral…and I no longer have to TRY to be neutral.

I just am. I let go.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

For me, when I'm angry - I take action.

So I really liked my angry stage. I felt alive, and hopeful. Not this pathetic little person crying all the time for a POS that doesn't deserve me or my love.

I like the indifference of not caring who is with or what he's doing? That's huge for me.

But, I want sooooo bad to get to indifference when I see him in person.

The difference between Love and Hate is indifference.


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 521 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

For me, indifference is easier. (Though much harder to initially get there.)

I am lucky in that we don't have kids or any ties, so I was able to go true NC and heal quite rapidly.

I just don't care at all about him. He's a non-entity in my life.

People ask if he's still with MOW, or what's going on in his life, and it's great to honestly be able to say that I have no idea and don't care.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 18