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User Topic: Alice in Wonderland......I need to find my rabbit hole....
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

You know how people say....."Don't worry.....things will get better....this is just a tough time in your life.....a valley.....but it will improve" "When God shuts a door....he opens a window" blah blah blah...

I feel like I've been waiting forever...in a windowless room.... for a sign....for ANY sort of opening. I just want to sit down on the floor ....indian style.... and quit trying. Maybe accept that this is it....this is all my life will be .... ever. I am not meant to be with anyone...I am meant to be a single mom forever. I am meant to struggle with money forever. This is the best I am ever going to have and there is no "better" for me.

I know.....I'm being miss glass "half empty" tonight... can't help it. Just frustrated. Maybe if I look hard enough on this floor....I can find one of Alice's magic potions....and shrink myself and find a nice escape mouse hole to venture into.....

But.....for now.....time for bed. Sleep seems to be my only oasis for escape these days. I find that sad.... but it is what it is.

Okay....pity party for one over. Goodnight peeps!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:44 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

Did you look into the bankruptcy info some people posted on your other thread? It might really be something to consider. I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 891 | Registered: Mar 2013
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

I don't think any of us will be in the right mind to date until we're AOK with being on our own - potentially forever.

I think you think having a relationship will save you from any of this. Trust me, it won't. You'll still be financially struggling, you'll still feel overwhelmed, you'll still have issues with your family. The guy won't support you he way I think you think he will. He'll need support and attention you just don't have the time or energy to give right now.

All it would do is just add more complexity - especially with our pickers on the fritz.

I wouldn't date me right now. The only guys that would date me are attracted to the smell of blood in the water.

Your fairytale analogy is telling. You need to be your own KISA Shelly. Piper's too.

I want to escape too sometimes. I don't want this to be my life. It isn't what it was supposed to be. I am living my greatest fear. Yes I'm happy and yes I am healing but I just.don't.wanna. Give yourself permission to feel it but don't get bogged down in it lest you drown.

I remind myself I could be jumping out of the pan and into the fire. The pan doesn't seem so bad.

There is so much worse than being alone for a couple of years or forever. Staying in that M, being in a relationship like that, being in a new relationship where the same shit happens again, etc.

You know this but your heart is still hoping for a miracle. Be careful what you wish for.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 4th (Friday)

Its not just the being alone that sucks. Bankruptcy won't help me. My student loans are not dischargable....unfortunately. The law passed in 2005 that even private student loans are treated the same as federal ones in bankruptcy cases. My other debt is almost paid off....so in the long-run....bankruptcy would hurt me more than help me. I've done my research on it....and its just not the right choice for me. But, I appreciate the suggestions.

I don't really WANT to date or be in a serious relationship.... but it would be nice to know I had that option. I never get to go many places unless my daughter is with me. No guys approach me so its not like I get offers when I am out.... I think I'm a decently attractive woman....maybe not perfect...but who is!? IDK.... sometimes just wanting to feel wanted by the opposite sex is a nice thought....

I don't have time to date right now and I know that...and like you said....I wouldn't want to date me.....but the hard part to swallow is....I don't know when or IF I will ever want to.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:45 AM, April 4th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, April 4th (Friday)

Maybe accept that this is it....this is all my life will be .... ever. I am not meant to be with anyone...I am meant to be a single mom forever. I am meant to struggle with money forever. This is the best I am ever going to have and there is no "better" for me.

Unfortunately it might be the future for you. I don't know for sure and I really doubt it, but the possibility is something you need to come to terms with. I think you're a nice person (albeit sometimes a teensy bit dramatic) and I hope you DO find someone to spend your life with who will be a good father figure to Piper. But it might not happen. And you need to be okay with yourself. You need to be okay being alone.

As far as the finances stuff, other people have given you good advice about this countless times. I have nothing to add here.

I know what it's like. Honestly. I do get CS but DS is my responsibility. He has challenges we're trying to get sorted out (ADHD) and all of that falls on me. I'm taking time off work to take him to therapy and doctor visits. I'm the one the school has contacted when they need something or when DS is being a handful. I'm the one doing the monotonous, routine stuff while his dad plays Disney Dad when he's not harassing me. I'm the one who is responsible for him, period. I'm the one who's ALWAYS been responsible for him as his dad hardly interacted with him or did anything for him while he was a baby and we were still married- it still all fell to me.

I get it. I really get all of it. Down to the student loan debt. Except I got a BS in Psychology so my degree is essentially useless.

Just keep swimming. And be okay with being alone.

(((Shelly)))


Posts: 1248 | Registered: Feb 2010
mixedemotions
Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 4th (Friday)

I've been the queen of venting. It feels so good at the time and is definitely needed at times, but I realized, at least for me, it was keeping me stuck in the negative. All I talked about was what was wrong and then I'd give a sort of half-hearted "but I know it'll get better..." And then find someone else to vent to.

I liken it to binging or drinking to feel better...feels great while you do it, but then you feel really crappy when it's over.

What I'm trying now is purposely staying stuck in the positive. Not really about seeing the lesson in my situation(s), but visioning and talking about and believing that good things are coming. There is a good man and a good job out there for me. I believe that. (Those are 2 of my main focuses right now)

Maybe it'll help to try thinking that way? Acknowledge and accept how much things suck right now but spend way more time and energy firmly believing that there really are good things ahead.

((Shelly))


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 4th (Friday)

Your fairytale analogy is telling. You need to be your own KISA Shelly

I'm getting this impression too. A desperation almost. If you could just find someone to be dad you'd have insta-family with a second income to help you financially. He'll swoop in and save the day!

The problem with this is, if you ARE desperate:

1) you might lower your standards and settle for some guy who is beneath you just to have someone, like sperm donor

2) the guy could notice your desperation and take advantage of you

3) the guy might be a KISA type but be fundamentally wrong for you

I don't want to see any of that happen to you or to Piper.


Posts: 1248 | Registered: Feb 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 4th (Friday)

Shelly honey You are tired, and feeling defeated. That's ok though. Life is hard. Anyone who tells you it isn't has not lived.

Take a step back though and consider a few things.

1. You are an awesome Mom, and are doing a great job with Piper. She is happy, healthy baby.

2. You are healthy. You have no serious disease or illness, and don't discount the value of that. Cause sister try going through life with a chronic illness, chronic pain, or a spouse who you are constantly worried about dropping over dead from heart issues.

3. You are making your way. You have a plan in place. You are smart, strong, and capable. You are in a tough spot now, but in 1 year you will be in a slightly better one, and in 5 years you will be even better.

That time, the year, the 5 years are going to fly by. You are going to blink twice, and Piper is going to be able to stay home alone, and blink 3 times and she will be driving.

While your living your life of chaos, and being happy being a strong independent woman. You will find nothing draws the attention of quality men quicker than a confident, happy, woman.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8461 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, April 4th (Friday)

I find that I can fling myself into a state of sadness and hopelessness when I use the word "never" and when I think too far into the future. It's like when you learn to drive and they tell you not to overlook the headlights at night. You miss everything that's right in front of you if you do that.

You're in a bad spot financially, but that isn't going to last forever. There's nothing that says that you can't look for another, better paying job a few towns or cities over. There's nothing that says that you can't moonlight to make some extra money. There are ways to make things work even I they are less than ideal.

You're also not ready to date just yet because you have a young child. You're a mom first and that may be the case for at least a few more years. That doesn't mean you'll never date again or never find a nice man to share your life. That doesn't mean people don't think you're pretty or worthy. It just means that there are more important things on your plate right now and, like it or not, your focus has to change.

Even if you were ready to date, I agree that dating or being in a relationship isn't going to fix everything. It just isn't. And you shouldn't want someone to fix everything. KISAs are generally frauds and bad news. I find that my best girlfriends can lift me up just as much as a man. In fact, they demand way less of my time and they give way more of themselves. They are what I need right now being a single working mom of two small kids. I would suspect it's the same for you.

And yes, you have family issues. But, honestly, who doesn't? Lots of people have fucked up families and family members with whom they don't get along.

But, Shelly, when you get stuck in these funks, you're over looking the headlights and missing what's right in front of you.

You have this little girl who adores her mama. Do you realize how close you get to be with her?? She has a father who has never once interfered in your relationship with her. I know he's an asshole and doesn't help financially at all and I don't condone that one bit. At the same time though, from what you've described, he wouldn't be good for her and his presence in your daughter's life would only remind you of that again and again and again.

There are plenty of us on these boards who have to give up precious time with our kids so they can go be with a half-assed parent who left them. Many of us are even forced to expose them to the pig OW all because of choices that we never made and never wanted. You get to see Piper whenever you want and no one is forcing you to not be with her on Christmas or her birthday. She's only going to get older and life with her will get easier. The days of diapers, and waking up in the middle of the night, and day care issues will all pass soon enough. Probably sooner than you want.

And yes, I agree with TN, you have your health. You're in good shape and you can run around with your kid and teach her sports and dance with her. You can be mom and dad to her. You're strong and have no serious health problems at all. No one really thinks about health until it's taken away.

Please don't take this as a message to not vent here or have pity parties anymore. Everyone does that and it helps. There's just been a lot of it coming from you lately and I think everyone here is trying to lift you up and get you to realize that it will be okay and that there are good reasons to get up and keep trying.

It's not how many times you get knocked down. What counts is how you get back up.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2792 | Registered: Jan 2011
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 4th (Friday)

I was a bit younger than you when I went through all of this, and I had the very sick husband that tushnurse speaks of. Everything fell on medealing with H''s doctors/meds/moods. Working full time in a demanding job (commercial insurance underwriter). Having an infant/toddler son. Also dealing with a seriously ill MIL who didn''t like me but was dependent on me. Bills up the wazoo, including student debt.

You know what? It got better. Eventually. But just because I had a partner didn''t mean it was easier. It was much harder because he was there, but I couldn''t lean on him. He was totally dependent on me. All you can do is soldier on. Be the best mommy you can. Believe me, Piper will remember all of the fun and none of your stress.

It''s always OK to vent. Just don''t look outside for validation and support. You are and will always be your best resource.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20149 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, April 4th (Friday)

Shelly honey You are tired, and feeling defeated. That's ok though. Life is hard. Anyone who tells you it isn't has not lived.

Thank you....

And believe it or not....I have had guys pursue me..but I can SEE them now...the ones that are not right for me...the ones LIKE sperm donor....and I listen to those red flags and I high tail it the other way....I can sniff them out now like a hound dog....and unfortunately....they magnate towards me....and its extremely frustrating. Broken attracts broken....and that's why I'm still single and in IC...for 2 years now. I guess it just takes time.


Take a step back though and consider a few things.

1. You are an awesome Mom, and are doing a great job with Piper. She is happy, healthy baby.

2. You are healthy. You have no serious disease or illness, and don't discount the value of that. Cause sister try going through life with a chronic illness, chronic pain, or a spouse who you are constantly worried about dropping over dead from heart issues.

3. You are making your way. You have a plan in place. You are smart, strong, and capable. You are in a tough spot now, but in 1 year you will be in a slightly better one, and in 5 years you will be even better.

That time, the year, the 5 years are going to fly by. You are going to blink twice, and Piper is going to be able to stay home alone, and blink 3 times and she will be driving.

While your living your life of chaos, and being happy being a strong independent woman. You will find nothing draws the attention of quality men quicker than a confident, happy, woman.

You just made me cry tushnurse.....thank you for all of that....I needed that. It makes me think I might be doing something right at least....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:53 PM, April 4th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 4th (Friday)

Adding to the list of things you should really focus on appreciating: Piper is healthy. Too many of my friends are facing terrifying illnesses in their very young children. Be grateful that she doesn't have cancer or Spina Bifida or lupus or whatever.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 7:33 PM, April 4th (Friday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13733 | Registered: Jul 2011
LydiaE
Member
Member # 42571
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

(((Shelly)))

This is one of the reasons I was so motivated to make my marriage work. I did not want to be a single mother and struggle with finances and loneliness and complicated relationships.

However, I feel you are an inspiration. You're a single mom with a healthy child and even though you're having financial problems, you are doing it all on your own and supporting your daughter! You have to have hope for the future, not just work on being okay with yourself without a partner.

Do you have a Master's degree or beyond? Have you considered acting as a part-time professor/instructor at one of the many online schools and universities? Or as an online tutor for the many online public/private homeschool academies? You might be able to fit this in on weekends and evenings. It could add a bit of income for you and boost your resume a bit!

You are young and full of energy, with hopes and dreams. You can do this!!!


Posts: 76 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: SouthernUSA
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

It's already been said but try to focus on what you can be grateful for my friend, and there is a decent list. I'm not discounting your struggles, they are real, and while you change what you can, you can't let them rule your life or perspective.

Just keep swimming Shelly. ((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4513 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
dignityintact
Member
Member # 32558
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

Shelly, there are an awful lot of us who know exactly what you are going through…

add an extra 10 years in age to you; I have no money (ex got us into so much debt); I have 3 children, one who is high functioning Asperger, and very difficult - mix with that a "disney dad", who may as well be absent, because his tiny contact with the kids causes even more problems; and I've tried to date - can't cope with the rejection anymore, so I'm protecting myself, and coming to terms that I'll be alone forever - it's not easy…I have no immediate family, and a select group of friends…so I'm pretty much on my own…

However, I am healthy, and my kids are too. I am looking to work ft now as opposed to pt, I run for my sanity, I am losing weight….a few positives to keep me going….

This article may help…I read it every day…it's one day at a time, baby steps….it focuses on being mentally strong….worth a read.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/18/the-9-essential-qualitie_n_4760403.html

Hang in there x


"Sometimes on the way to the dream, you get a lost and find a better one"

Divorcing - at last!


Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Uk
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

Glad I could help.
You will be surprised one day when you realize what you have accomplished.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8461 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 16