SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Wedding anniversary - how do you feel?
Sadjacey
Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

Our anniversary is coming up next month - the second since DDay. Last year I told him he had to organise it all (I had always done it previously). It was not that long out, and I think I was still in shock, wanting him to prove something, wanting to prove something to myself - I'm not sure. I was ambivalent about the anniversary. This year, even more so. I'd be happy just to let it slide past. He thinks it should be celebrated - he senses that I'm not enthusiastic, but when he asked whether I just wanted to ignore it, I couldn't say yes. Feeling really mixed up and (surprise) unhappy. Just can't get positive at the moment.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2013
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

I have had 13 anniversaries to get past since DDAY. It doesn't help that our anniversary fell right smack dab in the middle of his A. The only anniversary I can remember is the one during his A. I remember where we went, which tab,e we sat at, and the conversation. He was asking ME if I would ever cheat. Hahaha.

So, I hate the anniversary.

But what I have done is claim Valentines Day for myself. It was out of the A range, and has nothing to do with OW. I plan a big trip for us ALONE every year. We usually go to a beach somewhere and have lots of love and fun. It is the highlight of my otherwise crappy marriage.

Maybe you could find a different Day to celebrate?


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 109 | Registered: Feb 2014
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

(((Sadjacey))) So sorry for what you are going through.

Our wedding anniversary is just 5 days after D-day, so early in R I felt like you did.

For these special days (and yes, they are still special and should be celebrated), you should try to push ahead, enjoy yourself, and make an attempt to get back to normal; even if it's just for that one day. I know that's a tough thing to do, but it helps to make the current and future anniversaries as pleasurable as possible, which starts the process of reclaiming your wedding anniversary as something special again.

In June, my wife and I will be celebrating our 30th anniversary. I have made plans for Hawaii, and we leave on d-day. After 7 years of R, D-day is nothing more than a painful memory. I can guarantee you, D-day (or anything regarding the affair) will not ruin one little thing with the romantic anniversary vacation I have planned. I'm confident my wife will be very pleased.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5634 | Registered: Aug 2007
jadedheart
Member
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

Only 3 1/2 years out but I don't really care about my anniversary anymore. It's just a date. DDay was about 2 weeks before our anni and about 3 weeks after my birthday. He spent both days texting/talking with OW. No texts or calls to me on either date. Just prior to our wedding in 1991 he almost backed out. I thought he just had cold feet and gave him space to sort it out, but he was pining even then for his high school gf,the OW. Sad really that I was that blind and naive for so long, but he never told me about her until after DDay. Now that he is present and accounted for in our M, I think we will have to find a different way to celebrate our milestones. Celebrating the first 20 years of hidden feelings on his part and blind trust on mine really isn't something I am willing to do at this point of R.


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

All I can say is no fucking way. There won't be any celebrating it or Valentines day. I threw my wedding ring in the trash and am here for my kids.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 588 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Sadjacey
Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

Ah, the wedding ring - there's another thing. I have lost a lot of weight since DDay, so no longer wear rings on the fourth finger of my left hand - they moved to middle finger right hand, now to middle finger left hand. No need to explain anything to anyone else, but when he asked whether it was symbolic I told him it definitely is. Those rings no longer have meaning for me.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2013
Sadjacey
Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

Thanks for the positives HMH. I will try to take your advice.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2013
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

Dday was Friday. Our anniversary is Monday. Not sure what we will do, nothing big planned. But at first I wanted to ignore it. We never celebrated our anniversary before so why start now?? But it was never a negative thing. I feel like shunning it will give it more power. So I think we will do something small and maybe build on it. Time will tell.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

When WH broke his marriage vows, he ended that marriage. We are trying to rebuild, but celebrating our wedding day makes me want to .

Our Wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks too, & I will not be celebrating.
In 2011 , at our anniversary dinner in a restaurant , WH was texting OW----that was a few weeks before Dday.

If WH wants to acknowledge the # of years of our relationship, is ok with me to celebrate the day we met. But lets not forget that for part of that time, he was not in our marriage, he was in a relationship with OW.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1353 | Registered: Dec 2012
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

I'd be happy just to let it slide past. He thinks it should be celebrated - he senses that I'm not enthusiastic, but when he asked whether I just wanted to ignore it, I couldn't say yes.

Why couldn't you say yes?

If you're not feelin' it, you're not feelin' it. IMO, this should be talked about. I think it would be much worse to fake celebrating something that you don't want to celebrate. Maybe after taking about it, you'll feel better and want to do something. But if not, don't.

(((Sadjacey)))


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Sadjacey
Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, April 7th (Monday)

Emotional honesty is hard for me. And I guess I still don't want to say things that upset him. Pathetic. He is trying hard.....


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2013
myeverafter
Member
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 7th (Monday)

I don't know how I feel yet. Blah. (I probably need to set up and IC and MC appts. We haven't been there since mid-February. Work has been too busy for me.)

Our 10th anniversary is in a couple weeks and the first since DD. I am actually going to probably pull the kids out of school for the day and head to my parents early for Easter break. fWH has to work nights anyways.

Last year, was in the middle of the affair. We spent the night celebrating with OW, her BS, her mom and her kids. It was her mom's birthday too.

For v-day this year, it was blah too. We went to a high school basketball game to watch his niece. Last year, he spent with OW snowmobiling with our son.

I had my wedding ring inspected for its warranty. (I have to have it inspected every 6 months.) I hadn't worn it for a couple years since I gained weight. Now it is ironic that I have lost almost 30 lbs so my wedding ring fits again, but I don't want to wear it.

[This message edited by myeverafter at 12:57 PM, April 7th (Monday)]


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Oct 2013
Neverwudaguessed
Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 7th (Monday)

my Dday was ON our 18th wedding anniversary. I took the rings off when and threw them at him that night. He gave them to me a week or so later and said when I am ready, I can put them back on. Wednesday is 7 months from Dday, and I still can't bring myself to put them back on, and I know I will NEVER celebrate beginning our life together on our Dday/anniversary ever again. I have NO idea what I will find to celebrate, but certainly that day is forever ruined. Sorry you are stressing over this. SO many things messed up as a result of these betrayals….


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
SoTired011114
New Member
Member # 43014
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 7th (Monday)

DDay for is was a month before our 3rd anniversary. We didn't celebrate. WH was very upset when I told him that these rings mean nothing and that date means nothing to me anymore.

He gave all that away when he decided to screw me over....maybe one day we will celebrate it again


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 3 years, together 6
DDay: 1/11/2014- internet/phone EA
Status: Giving it all we've got.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2014
AmIenough
New Member
Member # 42988
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

Totally understand all the emotions.
My wh started his A literally right after our anniversary (we took a trip and we were headed home) so for me as much as I would love to celebrate it I just feel kind of numb. All the years past he would always get me something even if it were just a card. This year he didn't get me anything and there was no card. Valentines day is the 14th our ann. Is the 16th there was nothing for either day. Which kind of floored me. I can't tell you how much I wanted to cry because I wanted him to at least try.
This action from the man that now says his love for me is stronger than ever.
Don't get me wrong it's is not about buying anything or even going anywhere special. He could have written something on construction paper for all I care and I would have loved it. But I got nothing except an I'm sorry....
Talk about make me feel like nothing...

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2014
Losttransport
Member
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

It's just another day now. WH still wants to celebrate, but I'd rather just work that day, come home and lay in bed and watch an NCIS marathon. Nothing special there anymore.


Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
Vickeybear
New Member
Member # 40399
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, April 11th (Friday)

Our 25th is next week. I had always dreamed of a nice celebration for our 25th. I told WH I didn't want to celebrate it at all. Anniversaries are a celebration of committment to the vows you take when you get married. Those were broken, thrown away like a piece of trash. I am just not in a good place to celebrate something that meant the world to me and nothing to him.

As far as wedding rings, mine doesn't hold the special meaning it once did. I wear it only as a symbol that I am still married. Especially after finding out that the OW's wedding ring is identical to mine (only my diamond is bigger)


Me- 43, WH-45
EA/PA DDay 9-9-13 (TT for 4 months)
Married 25 years, together 28
3 children, 18,14,9 2s 1d
Reconciling

If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then I must be wonder woman!!!
If trials build character,then I'm animated.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: vickeybear
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 11th (Friday)

I dont know what there is to celebrate.

I had to accept the "old marriage" was ended, why would i celebrate it?

He makes no attempt to make it a special day, i dont see any reason to. And i really think he should.

Meh, just another fun little consequence of infidelity.


Posts: 547 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Sammy2013
Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, April 11th (Friday)

I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about our anniversary. This year will be the first. He admitted the EA right before our anniversary, and of course was smack in the middle of the PA during our anniversary (texting with her and probably his other AP the weekend we went away together). I'm trying not to look that far ahead, but honestly don't think I want to do any kind of celebrating, especially this first year.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Sad and ambivalent just about sums it up, Sadjacey.

Dday was March 5. My 22nd anniversary will be on April 25. And I am feeling sick already, knowing that the last six times we have "celebrated", WH was texting his slunt the details of our evenings and planning when to f*ck her next.

We have non-refundable theater tickets, purchased months before I knew about the A. After reading a variety of responses on SI and other forums, I decided to go ahead and attend the show with him. WH is committed to R, and working hard to show me that he has changed. Maybe doing something enjoyable together will help create positive feelings. If we do R, it could be the FIRST anniversary of a new marriage.

And if it turns out to be the LAST anniversary we ever spend together, at least I will remember it.

Please wish me strength.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
myeverafter
Member
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Mine was last week. I still don't know how I feel about it.

fWH did surprise me with flowers in the car before the kids and I left town. But that was it. And MIL called to wish me a happy anniversary which to be honest pissed me off...


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Oct 2013
Sadjacey
Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, May 23rd (Friday)

The anniversary has come and gone. I got through it, but didn't feel anything approaching celebration. His card was nice - much more sentimental than ever before, and what he wrote inside was loving. It makes me sad that I don't feel it,


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2013
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, May 23rd (Friday)

I found out two weeks before our 11th anniversary. Now, I think I've never REALLY been married.

H says that he's already learned so much, he realizes that he will make new vows.

I say, "well, you made them easily before, what would be the difference if you made them again?"

He has not answer.

I haven't worn a wedding ring since two weeks after the first, completely whitewashed disclosure.

But, really, it's not disclosure if I had to dig to get the info...


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
PollyA
Member
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, May 23rd (Friday)

I found out two weeks before our 11th anniversary. Now, I think I've never REALLY been married.

H says that he's already learned so much, he realizes that he will make new vows.

I say, "well, you made them easily before, what would be the difference if you made them again?"

"Because I'm a different person!" HA!

I haven't worn a wedding ring since two weeks after the first, completely whitewashed disclosure.

But, really, it's not disclosure if I had to dig to get the info...

[This message edited by PollyA at 11:03 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]


BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
Sunset22
New Member
Member # 42025
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, May 24th (Saturday)

Our wedding anniversary was 3 weeks ago. We didn't celebrate it. I told him no. I didn't want anything or didn't want to do anything. The A didn't happen during our anniversary but I don't feel right celebrating. During the A, we were even talking about renewing our wedding vows this year (it was our 10 years wedding anniv). He took that dream away from me.


DDay - December 2013 and January 2014

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
BrokenheartedUK
Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, May 24th (Saturday)

One more shit 'unintended consequence" of the bloody affair. Sheesh! Our 18th anniversary was four days before DDay. We were married on New Years Eve and this year we were up in London with the children celebrating NYE with good friends. When I look back on the photos in my iPhone I feel sick--I really had ZERO idea of what was a head of me. I dread the next anniversary. We've already planned to be away over that period of time, I can't sit in my house triggering away.


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA

Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.


Posts: 141 | Registered: May 2014
titanfour
Member
Member # 26750
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 24th (Saturday)

Well I am with many of you - my DD is my anniversary. I still get very wary on this day, and dread it of course. I never want to be home either. I don't know all the details of what went on, but enough to know it wasn't over the course of any prior anniversary. probably 2-3 months ending about 3 months before she just blindsided me with a confession on, you guessed it - anniversary.

Sometimes I have been totally fine, others were like slogging through hell. So may variables, you'd have to be Rain Man to predict how it would go. Past few have not been bad, and now I always plan a trip (W never plans it). Then again, she seldom plans any trip for us.

I do wonder what is going through her head. I don't want to bring it up to cause either of us pain, but who am I kidding. No way either of us is NOT thinking about it. We are just afraid of "ruining" the moment. Its not pretending though, its a decision to not let the past F up the present. I know that doesn't make much sense. It feels conflicted.


ME: FBH
HER: FWW
many kids now, 1 then
DDAY: 1987

Reconciled; Sometimes still have hard days, but getting by. Still dealing with feelings I buried,but finally getting them out.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
Hidingmyhurt
Member
Member # 43525
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 24th (Saturday)

Our anniversary is next week. He told me that our family dinner on Monday (which is for my mom's b'day and my son's graduation celebration) will also be celebrating our 10 year anniversary...I'm ready to cancel. I don't want to celebrate it. We were supposed to be renewing our vows this year. I can't even think of that.

And my wedding band...it's back in it's box. I think I'm gonna sell it. I can't even think of putting it back on again.


Me: BW 39
Him: STBXWH 47
Married 10 years
2 sons, 14 and 9
DDays 2004,2008,2012 and 5/8/14

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
ifeellikeafool
Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, May 25th (Sunday)

I didn't celebrate ours either.in fact for. A while it stressed me out knowing it was coming up.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
ifeellikeafool
Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Why would I want to remember a day I was so happy and it felt right only to realize it lead to this and I made horrible mistake?


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
ItStillHurts
Member
Member # 33617
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Prior to DD, when she outed the affair on Christmas Eve, but after he broke it off at the end of October, 2010, we celebrated our 28th with a dinner that was, sadly, off. There was a soft tension between us that made me want to go to the washroom and then sneak away....I do believe he missed her. So, on the way to drinks and a show at the casino to finish the evening off, we drove by her place. Ostensibly to look at condos. There were none to look at.

To this day, it still boggles my mind.

I bounce on this anniversary thing alot.

Hopefully, time will soften the rough edges on this for me. Really, I owe this day nothing yet I mourn the loss still. Why she should she take away the first 28 years?


The cruelest lies are often told in silence (RLS).
DD: December 24, 2010, when she called me from a pay phone pretending to be someone else.
Me: BS (53)Him: WS (56) OW: 63 yr old Husband hunting predatory whore

Posts: 361 | Registered: Oct 2011
ifeellikeafool
Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 31st (Saturday)

Yes but it is so hard yo look at it the same way again it's worse for me because they sexted on my birthday so now I hate my birthday.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
tryingsodanghard
New Member
Member # 43590
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 31st (Saturday)

We are divorced. September 11, 2012, of all days. She had just returned from rehab that day, found out I was seeing someone, and called me back three days later. We were on again off again (along with the OM) for a year. I know, I'm a "Fool in Love," as Joe Jackson once put it.She finally expunged him from her life about a year ago, and we have been committed to trying ever since. We haven't celebrated our wedding anniversary since, and this October will be the first since our R. I don't know whether to even observe it. My WS is wracked with guilt and doesn't know how to be compassionate.


M in 2005
D's in 2008
Me BH 51
She WW 41
1st D Day 5-2-2012
2nd D Day 5-4-2013
Separated 6-2012
Divorced 9-11-2012
5 yo son, 15 yo SD
After a year of trying, she finally went NC 6-3-2013
In R and domestic partners since July of 2013.

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South
ifeellikeafool
Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

My WS is wracked with guilt and doesn't know how to be compassionate


That's kinda what happening with me says he is afraid what ever he does is wrong but doing nothing hurts too.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

Like Sadjacey my wedding ring meant nothing to me from the moment of DD - in fact I stuck it in a make up case and on a trip it got lost - there was a deep relief in not having it ( engraved with his name and our M date) as that day is no longer what it was for me - and for that reason the anniversary means very little - I am only nine months out and only one anniversary under my belt but I can honestly say that even if we stay through R and make things work I will never ever celebrate that day like before...how can it ever have the same meaning? I remember raising a glass of wine and him saying "to us" having gotten a bunch if picked wild flowers - that was last year and he was having sex with another woman wearing that ring throughout. I think i would rather pick another day and let that have real meaning. We'll see...

Posts: 241 | Registered: Sep 2013
Waiting2breathe
New Member
Member # 41720
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

My anniversary, the first since D-Day is coming up soon as well as my birthday. WH has sexted and/or text the OW or one of his sexting partners on our last three anniversaries and on my birthday while I was out of town, he engaged in sexual activities with the OW as well as texting her all day. I don't know what I am going to do about those two dates but I definitely know that I am in no mood to celebrate especially with the person that destroyed the day of my birth. Any suggestions on what to do?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Third rock from the Sun
tryingsodanghard
New Member
Member # 43590
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

I would suggest creating another event to Cele rate that day, at least until you've healed a bit.


M in 2005
D's in 2008
Me BH 51
She WW 41
1st D Day 5-2-2012
2nd D Day 5-4-2013
Separated 6-2012
Divorced 9-11-2012
5 yo son, 15 yo SD
After a year of trying, she finally went NC 6-3-2013
In R and domestic partners since July of 2013.

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

In 2011, 44 years after our wedding and almost 9 months after D-Day, I was willing for my W to ask me out to dinner. She did, and we had a nice time, but it was a date, not a celebration. I was confused, after all - had we been together for 46 years and M for 44, or had we been together for less than 9 months?

In 2012, we had a low key celebration of 45 years of M. We were with our son (also DIL and GS) on the day for the first time since 1989, so we had to appear to celebrate, but it wasn't great.

In 2014, I expect we'll really celebrate being together for 49 years & M for 47.

If your WS is really remorseful and you do the work necessary for R, I believe you will celebrate being together again - but it takes a lot of work (especially for the WS), and that amount of work takes a lot of time.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:40 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9982 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Waiting2breathe
New Member
Member # 41720
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I spoke to my WH today about my feelings on our anniversary and possibly changing the date. At first he agreed on the change but later on informed me that since we both had betrayed the other that I should reconsider my decision. He told me if I can't find it in my heart to celebrate our anniversary on the original date than he does not want to be married to me. I asked him why it was so important to him since the last three anniversaries he couldn't care less about it. Never received any response on that question from him.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Third rock from the Sun
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Our 32nd Anniversary was 3 months after D-Day. We had a trip planned with friends that we went ahead with. I went through the motions but it was still so raw and painful. Last year, we also traveled, which I find to be better as it appears that we're "celebrating" (kids don't know) and I don't have to paint on a happy face.

This year was a biggie, 35 years. We took our daughter and her boyfriend on a cruise with us. It was a good distraction for me. That morning we exchanged cards, I cried a little and went on to make the best of the day.

We've discussed this in MC. I know that FWH is scared shitless of doing something wrong. Still, I don't want to be the one who "plans" anything related to it. It's extremely difficult for me to "celebrate" any anniversary without subtracting the seven years FWH cheated.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1019 | Registered: Mar 2012
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

oh boy...I hate them. Almost 5 years ago, about 3 weeks before our 30th anniversary, I found out about her and his history with her. He was still seeing her and I was still in a state of shock when our anniversary rolled around that year. He was out of town "on business" sent me the usual flowers he always has sent on out anniversary, came home the next afternoon and we went out to eat. Even though I knew he was seeing her and I was thinking of what my next step was going to be, it felt like he really meant it when he said we were gonna work through it and he didn't want to lose me. About 2 weeks later, the flowers were pretty much gone. I jokingly said something like you will need to get me more flowers and he jokingly said something about how much they costs and I don't know why but something in his voice made me go into suspicion mode and I wondered if he had also sent her flowers??? I started checking things...charge cards, reservations, etc and found out that he had come back from his "trip" a day early, spent our anniversary with her...took her out to the same restaurant...then came home to me the next day and acted like all was well. So to me my anniversary is a reminder of THAT day...the day I threw out the dead flowers. We always go on a trip in the fall and sort of consider it our anniversary trip, but it is not even on the same week. It is THE day...that bothers me. It usually happens he is at a work event that week every year...and he still sends the same flowers...I don't have the heart (or guts) to tell him not to...he doesn't understand I don't think and to him those particular flowers on our anniversary means US to him. I have hinted to get me another kind, but he just doesn't know.

I have considered making June our special month...our 1st date...41 years ago. Something we both remember the same way. The old anniversary is never going to be anything nut pain to me.


Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
broken&lonely
Member
Member # 31503
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I feel no need to celebrate broken vows. The next one will most likely come and go with no fanfare. Maybe we'll have a different date to celebrate some day for different reasons but not yet.

As for rings. I took off the ring he gave me on D-day, 3 yrs ago. I took the one I gave him back shortly after. I put them in storage and haven't seen them since. He bought us new ones last year but I just couldn't stand to wear it. I miss the feeling of it and what it stood for but I don't know that I'll ever wear one again.


Me - BS (40) - Stronger & Wiser, Cautiously off the fence
Him - WH (41) - Earning his F
Daughter (4) - Light of our lives
Together 15yrs, Married 12, Friends for 20+
D-day 2.5.11
Attempting to find each other again

Posts: 384 | Registered: Mar 2011
crestfallen
Member
Member # 27993
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Well, at 5 plus years past DDay, we will be celebrating our 33rd anniversary on Thursday.

I will not and have not made one single arrangement for one anniversary dinner since DDay. That job now falls into his lap with a host of other things that I will no longer do.

I must say, three years ago, July, my H did make arrangements to have our vows renewed in Italy...actually Capri. Two of our three children were in attendance. One was absent from the vow renewal in protest of his father's behavior.

Our marriage had so many happy times....my H will tell you that his affair was one where felt entitled to a little squeeze on the side. He was told over and over again there was something wrong with him...we now joke what was wrong with him was his huge ego and he was so humble. The affair recovery has been a very humbling experience for him.

I no longer dread our anniversary date. This is the first year that I actually am looking forward to having a nice romantic dinner with him. This is the first year it has gotten easier.

So, take heart, even if your husband is doing all the right things, your heart may not be open celebrating. I don't know if this date has the meaning that it once did for me, but I know the fact that we are still married is certainly something to celebrate...considering what he has done to us.


BS-me-57
WH-57
Married 32 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2010
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I will not be celebrating it AT ALL! It is no longer my anniversary even if it is legally.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 874 | Registered: Dec 2013
ItStillHurts
Member
Member # 33617
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Crossroads, your story still tugs at my heartstrings.

Its that bittersweet moment when we realize once again that we will never be that special again.


The cruelest lies are often told in silence (RLS).
DD: December 24, 2010, when she called me from a pay phone pretending to be someone else.
Me: BS (53)Him: WS (56) OW: 63 yr old Husband hunting predatory whore

Posts: 361 | Registered: Oct 2011
tryingsodanghard
New Member
Member # 43590
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Crossroads, you're story is so gut - wrenching and yet familiar in its coldness. I just shuddered. Take care.


M in 2005
D's in 2008
Me BH 51
She WW 41
1st D Day 5-2-2012
2nd D Day 5-4-2013
Separated 6-2012
Divorced 9-11-2012
5 yo son, 15 yo SD
After a year of trying, she finally went NC 6-3-2013
In R and domestic partners since July of 2013.

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South
BrokenheartedWif
New Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

((Crossroads2010))

You need to tell him, that the flowers are a trigger of "THAT" day. His actions had consequences for you and he needs to know that what he thinks of as loving is very painful for you and doesn't remind you of "US". You also need to tell him, that since he had the affair and spent your anniversary with his AP that "The old anniversary is never going to be anything but pain to me."


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Thanks ..... I think when it rolls around next time, I will do that...I am beginning to think that I need to be more honest with him about how I feel. Letting go of some of the "old stuff" is needed for a new beginning.

Posts: 579 | Registered: Nov 2010
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Please do, crossroads. Reconciling means both partners needs to be honest and authentic. You deserve to have statements that mean something to you.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6356 | Registered: Jan 2011
msnhomealone
New Member
Member # 43968
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

We just went through our first anniversary (12th) almost exactly one month post-Dday. I thought it was going to be absolutely impossible to do anything but feel hatred, sadness, and loneliness on that day, but I was pleasantly surprised by how it went.

The night before, I made the decision to try for R and see if I couldn't make this a "first anniversary" of a new start. I hated the idea that we were "celebrating 12 years" because he had obviously broken the vows that we made 12 years before and in reality, our marriage was broken just after celebrating our 11th (his affair, both EA and PA was just about a year long). However, if he was serious about making a new start and serious about being a true partner (which his actions seem to belie), then I was willing to give him a chance.

So, I changed the entire set up of the day. The night before, I suggested that we sleep in the tent in the backyard with our kids. I would never have suggested this before, but it was wonderful and we all felt like a family for a little bit. Waking up in the morning in such a strange setting started the day off as a true new start. We had a great day as a family on our boat and our kids were just wonderful to us and with us all day. The past month has been filled with so much darkness that it was actually a gift to be able to enjoy most of the day.

Then, we went out of dinner, just the two of us and I had to release the pressure valve of questions, doubts, and insecurities that had been building (but that I had been suppressing in front of the kids) all day. I was truly enjoying dinner, but I just had to get that stuff out and then move on. Of course, to him, the dinner was then "ruined," but we managed to pull out of the tailspin and finish the night off well together.

Obviously, things are still super raw and my anger, sadness, and doubt are still often in a repeat loop, but I was encouraged by the fact that we could have a "good" day even in the midst of it all. I really hope we get to have more.


Him: 38, EA for 6 months, PA for 6 months w/co-worker (42)

Me: 38, professional, mom of 2 spectacular kids

Dday: June 7th, 2014 (the night before my birthday, brought on due to a threat from her husband to tell me all)


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

I don't care about our wedding anniversary either. Finally got a timeline from fWH and it turns out that right around our anniversary in 2011 he was dancing a jig cuz predatory OW wasn't pregnant (they viewed results right around our anniversary).

Don't get me wrong. I'm very very glad it was negative but no way should fWH have ever had to do a pregnancy test with another woman but me. We suffered from secondary infertility for years so this pregnancy scare was especially hard on me when I found out. So it sours our anniversary to learn what secrets and betrayals were occurring right around it.

Maybe we will switch the date to some other time?


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 530 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 51