SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Why do I feel like a dupe?
SeaWife
New Member
Member # 41584
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

In November 2012 I learned that my partner (2 years +), who had just moved in with me in July 2012, had been cheating with a woman that he worked with. He went in early twice on the weekend and head sex with her at work and then rented a motel to have sex with her again). This is all the information that I have from his account of the affair. I had been caring for my father who was terminally ill with colon cancer for over three years. I was his only care giver and he lived 40 mins away. I worked for the state as a social worker and I also had a job at a local hotel that I had kept for 16 years while caring for my father. I worked everyday. Unfortunately, my father died on October 9, 2012 My daughter (only child) left and moved to another state during this time. My father and my daughter were my only immediate family that I interacted in a familial way. Finding out that my partner cheated, my father died and daughter moved away caused some serious trauma. I am currently going through my father's personal belonging and donating and discarding them as I feel appropriate as well as liquidizing his business via auction which will be held in a few weeks. Strangely, before my father died he told me that this person would hurt me and specifically that he would break my heart.

Since I have been boxing up my father's items and getting ready for the auction I have been haunted my my partner's betrayal. To be clear, he admitted his betrayal when confronted and seemed to be contrite. I do not understand why I feel so betrayed right now. He helped with unloading and working on the property for days. I think back to the days when he was wiping vomit from my father's beard, in the emergency room while all the time cheating on me. I am so angry because I cannot understand that someone who hurt and betrayed me so badly could possibly be good for me now.

I do not know what to do and I do not know how to make the distrust go away. He has assured me that he has changed, but my future is so different now. I do not know how to choose the right path. I feel that I will never trust him but I love him very much. I feel so scared and alone. I don't know if I should go on alone or try to make things work. Thee are so many details that I have obviously been missed but I am scared and I do not trust Magic 8 Balls.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
FixYou71
Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

I see you've been registered for several months. I don't know how much reading you've done from the Healing Library but if you havent been there I highly reccomend it (yellow menu box upper left corner).
You stated your partner seems contrite and state that he says he has changed. The question now is why? Why does he think he has changed and how did the changes in him come about? In order for you to ever begin to feel safe so many things have to happen. Has he done the hard work to get to his why? Is he doing everything needed to create a different outlook and attack on life where that why will no longer be a stumbling block for him? Is he patient and understanding as you wade through the painful fallout his choices brought upon you? Is he fully aware of how much deep anguish this has caused for you? Have there been requirements put in place going forward, ones that if he doesn't abide by will result in clearly laid out consequences? I'm just trying to get a fuller picture of what has transpired since his As. Once that info is laid out we'll be able to help more.
I just want to give you a great big bear hug. I am so sorry for all the loss you have experienced in such a short span of time. Bless your heart. What an incredibly unselfish gesture to care for your father all those years. Now is time to focus fully on you and how to be the most authentic, happy you you can be. You can get there. Looking forward to a bit more info so we can all gather round and help you navigate through this. (((Seawife)))


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
SeaWife
New Member
Member # 41584
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

I have not accessed the healing library but I will. I have purchased a couple highly recommended books that have helped somewhat. Thank you so much for the intended hug. I needed it. I am unsure why that I said that he has assured me that he has changed, because it is untrue. I do not see that he has changed honestly. He says he has. I do not know what that means. Although he would say that he understands what he has put me through. I think that it is impossible. I feel like he stole my time for grieving over the loss of my father and I am angry that I had to focus on his actions rather than attend to grieving for my father.

The only actions things that I asked him to take as a fallout of his actions was not to do it again, curb his drinking, and seek counseling. I offered to pay for his counseling. I sought a referral from my own therapist who was helping me at the time, called the therapist to set things in motion but by the time he contacted the therapist he was no longer taking new patients. It ended there.

In the meantime I caught him masturbating to pornography several times. Pants down full out... In the past this would not has bothered me as much but after what happened it made me feel like he needed other women to fulfill his sexual needs. It made me feel inadequate and insecure. He says that he doesn't do this any more. And I have not caught him. Who the hell gets caught repeatedly doing that anyway??

The person who told me about his cheating was one of his best friends. I hired him to watch my father's property after he died. He felt guilty for taking my money while knowing that my partner was cheating. He also told me that there was another potential threat that lived in his home town. I asked him about this threat and he denied any knowledge of the threat but after about a year he told me that it was an ex-girlfriend that texts or calls him from time to time. He says that he has not responded to these texts but I do not understand why he would have mentioned them to his friend when he was telling his friend about cheating on me if they were not significant.

I feel so stupid. I have no idea what I am doing. I love him but I cry almost everyday. it's been almost a year and a half and it seems that it will never end. Until recently I had to see the woman that he cheated with twice a month. She works for a company where I did volunteer work for several years. I had to stop my volunteer work there because of this after trying to hang on for over a year. She is fully aware that I know about what happened and even met me after I confronted her. She was married and told her husband about her affair after I found out.

He says that HE was going through a hard time. I was changing colostomy bags at 4am after driving over an hour round trip, driving my father to dialysis, doctor appointments, chemotherapy, PET scans, grocery store pharmacy and on and on, but HE was having a difficult time in his life...

I am so hurt and angry.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
SeaWife
New Member
Member # 41584
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

I have not accessed the healing library but I will. I have purchased a couple highly recommended books that have helped somewhat. Thank you so much for the intended hug. I needed it. I am unsure why that I said that he has assured me that he has changed, because it is untrue. I do not see that he has changed honestly. He says he has. I do not know what that means. Although he would say that he understands what he has put me through. I think that it is impossible. I feel like he stole my time for grieving over the loss of my father and I am angry that I had to focus on his actions rather than attend to grieving for my father.

The only actions things that I asked him to take as a fallout of his actions was not to do it again, curb his drinking, and seek counseling. I offered to pay for his counseling. I sought a referral from my own therapist who was helping me at the time, called the therapist to set things in motion but by the time he contacted the therapist he was no longer taking new patients. It ended there.

In the meantime I caught him masturbating to pornography several times. Pants down full out... In the past this would not has bothered me as much but after what happened it made me feel like he needed other women to fulfill his sexual needs. It made me feel inadequate and insecure. He says that he doesn't do this any more. And I have not caught him. Who the hell gets caught repeatedly doing that anyway??

The person who told me about his cheating was one of his best friends. I hired him to watch my father's property after he died. He felt guilty for taking my money while knowing that my partner was cheating. He also told me that there was another potential threat that lived in his home town. I asked him about this threat and he denied any knowledge of the threat but after about a year he told me that it was an ex-girlfriend that texts or calls him from time to time. He says that he has not responded to these texts but I do not understand why he would have mentioned them to his friend when he was telling his friend about cheating on me if they were not significant.

I feel so stupid. I have no idea what I am doing. I love him but I cry almost everyday. it's been almost a year and a half and it seems that it will never end. Until recently I had to see the woman that he cheated with twice a month. She works for a company where I did volunteer work for several years. I had to stop my volunteer work there because of this after trying to hang on for over a year. She is fully aware that I know about what happened and even met me after I confronted her. She was married and told her husband about her affair after I found out.

He says that HE was going through a hard time. I was changing colostomy bags at 4am after driving over an hour round trip, driving my father to dialysis, doctor appointments, chemotherapy, PET scans, grocery store pharmacy and on and on, but HE was having a difficult time in his life...

I am so hurt and angry.

[This message edited by SeaWife at 3:49 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
FixYou71
Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp
This is an article of sorts from the healing library. Please read it asap. I think you will find it will answer some questions you have and help you realize you're not alone in all the emotions you're feeling. It's a good starting point for you.
FYI, The weekends are slow on the forums so you may not get a many replies until Monday.
You are living your life in limbo right now and in top of that grieving over some losses. It's hard to make heads or tails of anything at a time like this. I'm sorry you are in this position and having to be here searching for answers. With that said, there are some things that need to happen for you to get through this and there are things that need to happen if your relationship stands any chance of surviving and being the type of healthy, intimate, loving relationship you want.
Your partner has had some A's (affairs). (Btw, you will find a list of abbreviations in the Healing Library that are used alot here on SI) At this point you need to decide wether you want to stay with him after such a betrayal. Supposing you do want to stay, based in the fact that you are still with him, there are some things that need to happen for true recovery.
1. He must be remorseful. There is a difference between regret and remorse. With remorse there is anguish over hurt caused by his actions. Remorse is an instigator of change.
2. He must be willing to do some things to show you that he is fully commited to reconciliation. These things require humility and honesty and recognition that it will take a long time to regain your trust. Reconciliation is a gift offered by the BS (broken spouse) and not every WS (wayward spouse) is worthy of that gift. His actions will help you determine wether to extend that gift and/or when that gift may need to be revoked. When requirements for reconciliation are presented they are coupled with consequences for failing to meet them otherwise they are meaningless. Typically the consequence is separation, refusal to continue to engage in the relationship. Typical requirements:
He must be willing to provide you with full transparency regarding all events surrounding his A's. This means answering any and all questions you have for as long as you need to ask them.
It also means providing you with passwords to all email accounts, full access to electronic devices, I.e. cell phone and not deleting any texts or web history.
He must go immediately No Contact with any affair partners. No texting, email, personal contact, phone calls etc. This includes a NC (no contact) text, letter or email that the two of you word together and send to his AP stating he wants nothing more to do with her.
You may require an agreement to no porn.
He needs to get to the bottom of his why...why he jeopardized everything the two of you built by going outside the relationship, why he has such poor boundaries. That may mean IC (individual counseling) and MC (marriage counseling), reading books on the subject etc.
He needs to be an open book and be available to answer questions you might have and/or comfort you.
It's a lot of info at once, I know.
It's important that you understand that, while his behavior feels like a personal attack on you, though it is a very real betrayal, it is not because you are lacking. It isn't about you. It's about him being broken. For some reason he is looking to women, sex and porn to fill some part of himself. This is what he needs to figure out.
You should get tested for stds. You may want to consider IC for yourself to help you work through this. There are several book reccomendations in the Healing Library as well. A few frequently recommended are Not Just Friends and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. These are good for both of you to read.
This is so long already, I'll let you process and I'm sure others will add their thoughts and advice.
Please keep posting. You need support right now and there are so many here who have been through and are going through the same type of thing. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Right now you need to take care of yourself. Be good to you.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 5