Wayward Side
User Topic: Lunch with mother
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

For anyone who has followed my saga...

There has been little to no contact with the parental units since, oh I don't know when. Christmas maybe? We see one another in passing. We nod, sorta wave. I have sent pics of the kids to Mother a couple times. She texted me pics of stuff she was getting rid of to see if I wanted them before she donated to charity. That's about it.

TBH, I am terrified to open a door. Life is good. It's relatively calm and quiet. The only drama is when DS yells for DD to get out of his room and she scoots out into the hall just mere inches from his bedroom carpet. "Technically" out, but still too close. Enter, a fight. Anyway. My life is sometimes crazy, but moving in a positive direction overall. Wonderful friends, making memories, working with QS on his depression and FOO, on and on. WHY would I willingly engage with the legitimate crazy that is my FOO? It just doesn't seem worth it to me. Kwim? Maybe I'm being too hard on them? (Oh the irony.)

Sunday I shocked myself. Mother was standing outside after service and before I could stop myself, my mouth opened and I invited her out to lunch today for her birthday. Jesus help me. Was that courage or stupidity!? I guess I will find out in a couple hours.

QS left me a note this morning. He said he was proud of me and to "wear whatever you want to and don't let her talk smack or it will be the last time she goes out with you".

My stomach is in knots. Fear. Apprehension. Present and accounted for. I feel like I need to tell the kids, "Don't mention this...don't talk about that...don't tell her about..." just because I don't want to get "a look" or stupid comment/question, and feel I have to explain myself. *sigh*

Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6291 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Lol, good 4 QS! I think he was sending you a message in that.

Don't be scared. You no ahead of time what you are walking into. Have every expectation that all your fears will be confirmed. Anything else will be a pleasant surprise.

Keep DETACH in mind. She knows what your position and views are, just don't go into this expecting her to have suddenly change.

Good for you to have the courage to make this attempt.

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2978 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Good luck, Aubrie. I'll be thinking of you and sending you strength in the next few hours.

Fear is ok. Embrace it. Stick to your boundaries. Don't answer questions you don't want to answer.

I think you made a very sweet gesture by inviting your mother to lunch to celebrate her birthday. It says that she's still your mom and you love her, even if you can't be around her that often.

I hope she respects your boundaries, and that you both have a nice visit.

Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
New Member
Member # 41447
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I think you were being brave:)
I hope things go well!

Me: BS-34
Him: WS-43
Together 4 yrs, married 2
2 kids: DS-3, DD-18 months
First STD: 38wks preg w DS.
Second STD: July/August 2013
DDAY 1: Nov 5, 2013 admitted to ONS
DDAY 2: Nov 23, 2013. LTA is preg. W twins. Due June 2014.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I vote brave.

You've GOT this.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Sending you strength, Aubrie. Remember to breathe.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25707 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Don't worry about what the kids say. They're going to come up with something embarrassing or inappropriate out of left field if they're anything like mine

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37370 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Remember your quote about courage. Stand firm if she tries to talk about things that cross your boundaries and explain that you don't want to go there, you just want to have a nice lunch to celebrate her birthday. Repeat it as often as you have to until she gets the message.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Very brave...and very kind.

I hope the lunch goes smoothly!

Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Hope your lunch is going well.

She is who she is. You are your awesome self. You can't change her. If she chooses to judge you with a look or a comment it's on her. It doesn't have to affect you. You are still your same awesome self. She can take it or leave it or lump it.

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️

Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Wow thanks gang.

Went ok. I gave her flowers and a generic birthday card. That hurt more than I thought it would. I have always picked epic awesome birthday cards for her in the past that make her cry. I never dreamed *I* would be shopping for a generic, non-emotional card for my mother.

A mutual friend was also at lunch with us so it made the awkwardness not quite so awkward. But it was still very weird. Very detached. 90% of what she said at the table was new news. I don't know what's going on in her life anymore. And she still has no clue about whats new in our lives because there wasn't ever an opportunity for the kids or I to have to expound on it. Which is fine. Beats having to explain (or feeling like I need to) anything.

Dropped her off, and went about my day. I told my husband, "She's someone I used to know.". That makes me so very sad. It's over. I made it thru. Now I can cry.

Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6291 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

You did good, Aubrie. It's going to take time to adjust but you will get stronger with each encounter. Cry. Let it out. Process your feelings and then move on and live your life for you and your family.

FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5972 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)


Thinking of you today.

If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)


You have been working so hard to be true to & love yourself ---& you are brave & kind.
We are all proud of you!

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17801 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

great job at lunch.

I don't know if it is so much that she is someone you used to know, as it is she is someone you are learning to know.

you now have the power. how much or how little she is involved in your lives is up to you. find your comfort zones with her.

once again great job. I know it hurts,.

I am sorry for that.

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2978 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

I'm both happy and sad for you, Aubrie.

I'm glad that you were able to get through it mostly unscathed emotionally, but I'm sad that you feel as though your mother is a near-stranger to you. My wife's relationship with her mother is very similar, and it sucks for both of you that the healthiest thing you can do is to keep your moms at arm's length.

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Ascendant, I'm *really* struggling with that. She was all I had for a loooong time. And to have to cut her off is traumatic. I can't pick up the phone and ask, "So what do you think about...." or "Did you see on the news they're going to...." I can't text her all the funny stuff DS does. (And let's be honest here. The kid is a riot.)

And you can say, "Well as long as your boundaries are up and she doesn't cross them, then talk to her." I can't. I cannot find that "happy medium" with her. Not only that but *I* am the one doing all the "reaching out". I am not going to fight to have a relationship with her. The road and phone run both ways woman. Get over yourself. And then there's the matter of dad coaching her. And we all know he is the divine author of fairness and discernment.

She has been "replaced". How sad to have to replace your mother. I have three very close friends who have become so dear to me. They are who I talk to, open up to, cry to, laugh with, visit with. They support and respect me. But it was too much for my mother to accept. I am not worth it to her. And she sees everything thru the skewed delusional lens my dad puts in front of her.

I'm tying so hard to look at this from all angles and be fair and be forgiving yet not betray myself. Its absolutely crazymaking.

Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6291 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

My heart hurts for you.

It's so very sad that your mother is unable or unwilling to think for herself, and then to possibly have a healthier, boundary respectful, relationship with you.

I keep my mother at arm's length, as well. I breathe easier without having her constantly trying to bring me down.

It does get easier, with that dreaded four letter word: time.

Hang in there Aubrie. I'm happy you have people that you are close to, that are there to share your laughter and your tears.

Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)


I can totally relate. I spent so much time, effort and energy trying to get my mom to accept and love me that I totally lost myself. It isn't fair, but I've learned to simply stick to the basics. Nothing is ever good enough for my mother, so it is better to not even try.

When I was accepted to law school, instead of a happy response my mother asked why I didn't just get a real job. I was petrified to tell her that I was pregnant with my now 5 year old even though I was married, had a full time job, very successful, etc. She is just a miserable person who makes it her life's work to make everyone else miserable.

It took a long time for me to get it through to myself that I needed to let go of my desire to have a normal mother/daughter relationship with my mom. It is never going to happen. Once I was finally able to drill that into my head, things have become easier for me, and they will for you too.

I mourned the loss of what should have been for a long time. Go ahead and cry. It is normal. You are doing a great job hanging in there.

Me: BW-33
Him: WS-32
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 571 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Thanks itainteasy and swizzle.

I know this in my head. Just waiting for my heart to catch up. :/

Something I didn't really think about till today is, my parents are so enmeshed and ingrained in one another, I'm not really sure where one parent ends and the other begins. Granted in a relationship we share ideas, dreams, and thoughts. But I guess I don't really know Mother's ideas, dreams, and thoughts. They aren't so much hers, but his? The more distance between me and them, the more I "see". *shrug*


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6291 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 21