New Beginnings
User Topic: B4me update: dating upshift
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

About 6 weeks ago I decided I needed to upshift my dating. I've been OLD for a long time, 2 and 1/2 years or so. I've been on over 40 first dates, had 2 or 3 short relationships that lasted a month or so. In that time I've gone from less choosy to more choosy about the men I respond to or seek out. I was giving people second or third chances when the immediate attraction wasn't there. I learned where my boundaries were. But I still wasn't finding what I was looking for. I wanted a relationship and although I was finding men who were interesting or funny or attractive to me, I wasn't finding anyone with whom there was a mutual "click". Something wasn't working right with my dating.

So I talked with my friends, did some research on line, read some books--not just about dating, but about self discovery, vulnerability, as well as a book on women over 40 and dating, all with the idea that I needed to change what I was doing to get different results. There is a saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears" and that seemed to be what was happening. Nothing friends told me was "new" information, nothing I read was "new" to me either, but it all sort of jelled for me. And it felt there was sort of a cosmic shift inside of me, like upshifting from third to fourth gear....

I made a list of what I wanted in a partner--a list of desirable character traits, not physical appearance traits; I made a list of what characteristics I had that would be attractive to the kind of man I wanted, And, I think most importantly, I became more aware of the walls I had put up to be safe after surviving infidelity. The walls I had built were doing a very good job of keeping me safe from heartache but they were also keeping me isolated from what I was searching for...a loving partner.

So, I made a conscious decision to focus on loving myself first. All of me. My faults and shortcomings and my fears. And I made a conscious decision to practice revealing myself to others, especially to men. To take the risk of being vulnerable. To take the risk of showing the real me. To take the risk of showing what was unique about me. To take the risk of saying out loud what I was looking for when asked. To take the risk of being less generic and more "Me".

At the conclusion of the one of the books I read (Bobbi Palmer--Dating Like a Grown Up) there was a suggestion for an activity. The activity was to contact someone you had been interested in in the past, to reconnect with that person and take a risk of revealing yourself. I knew exactly who that person was for me. Someone I had had a first date with in the summer of 2012. We had hit it off, but he was so self aware in our first meeting that I was scared of him. He was risking letting me get to know him from date one and I knew I would have to do the same. And I wasn't ready back then.

Now I thought I just might be ready. He had so many of the characteristics I am looking for in a partner. He knew himself well, spoke about his flaws and short comings as well as his strengths, he was a good communicator, he was interested in intellectual things, he was intelligent and educated, and attractive to boot! I took the risk. I wrote that guy an email, (he was still on OkCupid where we had first met) explaining the growth I had done in the last two years, explaining why I had stopped communicating with him, telling him that I had been scared. And he wrote me back.

After a couple of weeks of communicating we met for coffee. And the coffee date was great. He was better than I remembered--easy to talk to, more attractive than I recalled. This past weekend we had our 4th date! He's pursuing me and I'm loving it. He wants to be in a relationship with me and isn't afraid to use that word, "relationship". He asks questions, he wants to "know" how I think and what I think and what my fears are. I've shared my fears and my history in a way I haven't to anyone other than my closest friends, and he is sensitive about that. He respects my boundaries. He's funny and we laugh and smile at each other. A lot.

I'm really happy! And I'm not worried about what will happen next. It's good now and that's enough. I had to work on me first. I wasn't ready to find the right kind of man until I did that. It took a lot of time to get to the other side of this infidelity chasm, to get to being ready for my "dating well" NB...I think I'm there now, and the view is really beautiful.

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53

Posts: 3233 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

What a fantastic update, b4me!

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 26098 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I had to work on me first. I wasn't ready to find the right kind of man until I did that.

I LOVE this! You deserve it. I will be using this story as a reminder to myself to not be afraid to ask for exactly what I am looking for, openly.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

That is a very lucky man.

me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I liked reading this.....I'm still somewhere in 2nd gear....but maybe if I keep working on ME over the next few years....I will get to where you are....I'm just in more of one of those smart cars as opposed to a it may take me a little longer....

Good for you!!! YAY for happy endings or better yet....happy BEGINNINGS!!!

"Sometimes your knight in shining armor just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12

Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

awesome. Completely awesome in every way.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

you rock, B4me!

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12169 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Yay! Thanks for sharing that.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7811 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Love this! Thank you for sharing. I am inspired.
You Rock!

There is a wonderful life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1709 | Registered: Mar 2004
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Great update. Hope the happiness continues for you both.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Thank you all for the kind words. It really does take courage to make changes and to take risks. This being vulnerable and real stuff is hard

I found a couple of the lists I wrote for one of the assignments in that book I read.

Attributes I must have in a man/how I expect to be treated in a relationship.
I must have a man who is:
Kind to others
Likes himself
Walking a self improvement path (willing to look at problems and issues)
Revealing of himself to me
Has a sense of humor
Thinks highly of me

Three things to do to get closer to finding the man I deserve:
1)Keep examining myself: this helps me to not settle, to demand excellence in a guy
2)Date to discover not to decide (for the early stages of dating--3 months of getting to know someone before making a "decision")
3)Be honest-reveal myself more, be vulnerable, be real

I had set these lists aside, haven't seen them for a few weeks...its good to see that I'm still doing the work.

I'll keep y'all posted

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53

Posts: 3233 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Topic Posts: 12