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User Topic: BS - Would You Want to Know? Multiple Concurrent Affairs
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I had an affair for a little over a year with a married man. Firstly, I already know what I did was wrong and have no excuses. It was a first and will be a last for me in terms of being an affair partner. I was lonely and selfish at the time he started pursuing me and I will always regret not having enough respect for myself and for his wife to have not put my own selfish need for attention first. That said...

He was upfront that he was married and that I was not the first person he had had an affair with. He admitted to having several affairs previously and said that it was "in his nature". He also told me, however, that he had never had concurrent affairs and always tested for STDs in between. I thought we had a relatively honest rapport in this regard given his openness about his history.

Prior to making the decision to sleep with him, I had myself tested for STDs to ensure his and his wife's protection (I know this seems like odd thinking given that I was betraying her regardless, but that was my honest reasoning).

We (openly and honestly, so I thought) discussed that should he want to be sexually involved with another, that our affair would end or that he would tell me in advance so that I could make my own decision whether or not to continue knowing the risks involved (we had decided to have unprotected sex because we were both "clean" and he is v-safe).

We work for the same company but he was originally with another office. When he moved to my office, things slowly became evident that I was not the only one he was having an affair with. As it turns out, he is sleeping with (at least) 2 other colleagues (I suppose I deserved that and had it coming). When I finally had enough "evidence" to know beyond a doubt that I wasn't seeing things that were simply not there (caught him checking into a hotel, for example), I confronted him with it. He of course lied to me and then found an excuse to end things (it was getting too "risky" for him).

In a way, I was relieved in that I spent the last few months of our affair in pain worrying that I was being lied to rather than enjoying the companionship. He tried to remain friendly after-the-fact (be "coffee buddies" etc) but I declined. I felt it was more about calming the waters to make sure that I didn't speak with my coworkers or his wife or about alleviating his own guilt. Who knows? I just knew it wouldn't be healthy for me to have any further contact and that it would not be fair to his wife. I've already done enough.

What I want to know is would it be beneficial or harmful to tell his wife in this type of situation? Previous to this, I had always been of the opinion that what one doesn't know won't harm them. From what he tells me, his wife has been blissfully unaware of his secret life for the 20+ years they have been married and beyond the obvious issue, they have a good/strong marriage.

What concerns me is this: if he is having sex with at least 3 of us in the same office, where does it end? His secret life could go even deeper than this, and with every layer adds another element of risk to his wife's health (and subsequently the health of all the women he is with).

I'm struggling to decide what is worse: tell his wife and devastate her and her family, or say nothing and allow these women to unknowingly be put in harm's way? He appears to be compulsive and opportunistic when it comes to sex, and (perhaps??) may even have an addiction that is progressing with time? I have tested for STDs and it does not appear as though he has passed anything to me.

I'm at a loss for which path I should take.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

First let me say welcome, and Thank you for coming here. You may find that some of us as BS's will have a more than strong response to you, and may not be so kind, that comes from you representing the OW.

they have a good/strong marriage

No No they do not. They have the illusion of a good M. This is not a good M, and his poor wife deserves to know. Imagine how you felt that he was splitting time, and not being faithful to you. Now imagine that being your husband and the father of your children. Or your Father doing that to your mom. Not so nice is it?

She deserves to know. Find a way to tell her.
PLEASE. She has probably struggled for a very long time thinking she isn't good enough, she isn't strong enough, and she can't account for his time. She will probably be grateful to finally have the truth.

You my friend need to get you butt into counseling, and figure out why you felt the need to be the OW, and why you would allow yourself to cause such pain and damage to others. You are obviously a smart, strong young woman. You deserve more than being the second third, or even fourth choice. Figure this shit out now, before you M, and have a serial cheater for a spouse.

Lastly go get tested again, and again in 6 months. He is HIGH HIGH risk for STD's. He is also playing Russian Roulette screwing all these women. He WILL get an STD if he doesn't already, and remember even if he "told" you he was clean, that means nothing. This douche is a serial cheater who has perfected the art of lies.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

In a word, yes. Of course, I can't speak for every BS. In general I feel most of us want to know and for exactly the reasons you are expressing.

There was a recent thread in the General Forum called unprotected sex and that is the thing that most of us are the most angry/upset about. The callous way our health was treated. There are/were people on this site that have contracted all kinds of STD's and even HIV.

Yes, I feel she should be informed. Please be as kind and sympathetic as you can be. I imagine she will react angrily towards you and also may not believe you. If you have any kind of proof to share with her that would be good if she asks for it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9951 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
slater13
Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Are you married or single?


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 162 | Registered: Apr 2013
ChinaCat
Member
Member # 42797
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I am a BS:
YES please tell her.
That man is displaying criminal behavior.
His weapon of mass destruction is his penis.

He could pass a possible STD and god knows what-else to his children, friends, family, everyone!

PLEASE tell her. DO NOT DELAY!


"Every time I stay out late; every time I sleep in; every time I miss a workout; every time I don't give 100% - I make it that much easier for him to beat me!"
Me: BS & Beautiful!

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I am divorced, so yes, single.

Though this may not be the reason you are asking, it was part of my thought process. Though the other 2 women are married with children and likely not high risk, I am single and for all he knew, I could have had multiple partners myself (I didn't - I hadn't had sex for about 2 years when he came along). So it's not as if he's picking people who are low risk, or protecting himself with those who may not be - and he never asked to see the results of my initial STD testing before we got together.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

2 women are married with children and likely not high risk

I beg to differ if they are screwing around with him they are high risk.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Yes. And the fact that the other women are married does not make them low-risk. I had to explain to my stbx's last(ish) AP that he was very high-risk; marital status, children, years of "strong" marriage are meaningless when serial cheating is at play.

As a long-married mother who's gotten STDs from her husband--serious illness resulting--yes. The wife must know. He's playing roulette with her life. It's not a low-risk situation.

Eta: thanks for caring enough to ask.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:05 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8993 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

"You my friend need to get you butt into counseling, and figure out why you felt the need to be the OW, and why you would allow yourself to cause such pain and damage to others. You are obviously a smart, strong young woman. You deserve more than being the second third, or even fourth choice. Figure this shit out now, before you M, and have a serial cheater for a spouse."


I did. I actually started seeing a therapist shortly before it ended. I am a smart and attractive woman, yet I know that my self esteem must be quite low for me to have gotten into this type of situation to begin with. I've always found the "wrong" type of men for myself, and it is now time for me to figure out why that is.

Thank you for being kind in your replies. I'm truly not a bad person - just one that made a poor decision.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
Wayflost
Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Ashamed

I've had the experience of outing a couple of my APs to their BS. It was extremely difficult to determine what was necessary to include in my confession. I felt it was important to convey my sorrow at being their WSes OW. In the end I gave them the general details (length of relationship, nature EA/PA), and encouraged them to get tested for STDs and to verify my claims before confronting their WHs. I gave them my old telephone number and encouraged them to get old records. And tried to include private information I knew about them to validate what I said.

One of them responded with some follow up questions. The other hired a PI who contacted me. In both cases I cried, and again apologized for participating in the destruction of their lives.I'm fairly positive the PI recorded our conversation, and I hope it gave her some peace of mind. I'm never going to be part of her life again, and I can never make up for the pain I've caused her. But I'll never know if she heard it.

At the end of the day, no matter how difficult it is, the BS always deserves to know. How much they want to know should be left up to them. I think you could tell her about you, and how you were able to deduce that there are others. But it should be up to her on the details. I have not contacted any of the BSes beyond the initial contact unless they reached out to me. They deserve to live a life without me in it. I keep open an e-mail address set up just for this purpose where they can contact me if they so desire.

Just my 2 cents.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 488 | Registered: Dec 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Hi AshamedOW,

I'm a BS. I concur - please tell her. Yes, you know what you did wasn't right, and you're not happy about your decisions. So right there, I agree - you aren't a bad person. We've all made mistakes in life, of various varieties. You have learned from yours which is all any of us can do. Please don't forget that, no matter what happens - you're not a bad person.

Now, I go back and say please tell her. He is focusing his energies outside of his marriage, so it's not the strong marriage she believes. He's also risking her health. He had you and at least 2 others. This is high risk stuff. Finally, she's building her life on a lie, as she's been doing for years. Does anyone deserve that?

She may not like you at first. She may lash out. But she will come to realize you did her a very great service. Also, you aren't destroying anything. He is doing that by cheating. All you are doing is offering the truth.

(((hugs)))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

It seems that everyone is leaning the same way in that I should tell her. I will try to figure out the kindest way possible.

I really don't know if she even suspects it? The only thing he mentioned is that she noticed his texting every now and then, and there was once that he was fairly late getting home and she called looking for him. With the amount he communicated with me throughout the evenings (and I assume had some form of contact with the other woman - he once accidentally left his Bluetooth on and one of the women messaged three times before he got it disconnected) she may wonder, at the very least.

I have thousands of emails and texts, along with pictures he has sent me, but I worry that they would be too graphic in detail to show her. I know that she will want proof (and he will likely continue to deny it regardless as he did with me) but I don't want her to be even more heartbroken having to read or see things she may not know about her husband.

As the BS - is there anything I can say or do that would make the blow a little less difficult to take while still offering her something that he can't work his way out of?


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
LydiaE
Member
Member # 42571
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I guess if it were me, I'd mind my own business and try to move on with my life.

If you are seriously considering outing him to his wife, be certain you are doing it for the right reasons and not because you may feel spurned by this guy and want some revenge.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: SouthernUSA
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I think just getting the truth is enough. Just be forgiving, and not defensive. As I said, she may lash out, and be very angry, but when the shock wears off, she'll be thankful that someone cared enough about her as a person to offer her the truth.

If it were me, I wouldn't really care why you did it. Revenge, guilt, bored - it wouldn't matter. I'd want the truth.

This is the right thing. She can choose to act on it, or not. She can leave him, or not. But she'll be basing her life (finally) on some truth - something her 'husband' doesn't seem to think she deserves. That's just so sad.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Oh absolutely. It's not out of revenge, nor do I want him back. The NC is my choice. I knew (mostly) what I was getting myself into (minus the other women being involved).

It's solely about my concern that he could expose her to STDs. Otherwise, I'd prefer not to devastate her, and TBH, I'm worried about putting myself into a situation that could be detrimental to me as well given that I don't know her, I don't know what her reaction will be, and most of all, I don't know what he will do to me for exposing him.

I won't disclose our occupations, but we need to maintain our clearances and I could do myself a great deal of harm in this regard.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

AshamedOW, welcome to the club of attractive, smart women who''ve made really stupid choices. Good for you, getting into counseling! "Fix your picker" as we say around here, before you get into another (healthy) relationship.

I encourage you to contact the BS, absolutely. BTDT, and it''s not easy.

tell his wife and devastate her and her family

You are a messenger. You have nothing to gain from outing AP. Any potential devastation is the fault of AP. The AP in my case called my house after I emailed his BW and berated me, accused me of destroying his family, vowed revenge, etc. And I said, "Right, and you had no part in that." Did I, and did you, have a responsibility to OBS and perhaps even society in general to refrain from sleeping with someone else''s husband? Yes, of course, but the damage to AP''s family is 100% on him.

Be prepared for BS to react with shock, denial, or anger. AP is, no doubt, an accomplished and persuasive liar. He will most likely paint you as an evil seductress who threw yourself at him and/or even blackmailed him. Sounds ridiculous but I see it on SI all the time, BS''s buying that shit from their WS. If she rejects what you have to say, that''s fine. BS may thank you, she may hate you. Not your concern. Deliver the message, make yourself available (by email) to answer questions if you''re so inclined, and walk away.

There''s also a good chance she knows about his serial cheating, but is sticking around for the kids or financial reasons, and/or is working on her exit plan.

Do you have an option to move within the company, so you don''t have to see AP ever again?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

we need to maintain our clearances and I could do myself a great deal of harm in this regard

I don't think this is a compelling reason not to tell her. First, you've already compromised yourself and him to blackmail if a third party were to find out. Telling his wife exposes it and removes the threat of blackmail. It's hiding secrets that is detrimental to your clearance.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4072 | Registered: Dec 2011
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I guess if it were me, I'd mind my own business and try to move on with my life.

Sorry, LydiaE, but I completely disagree.

The OW slept with her husband, she already inserted yourself into the BS's business. The BS needs the truth, and an apology. As tempting as it is to just move on, there are consequences to actions. In my opinion, getting a glimpse of the destruction left in the wake of an affair will do more to prevent an OW from falling into the same trap than any amount of IC.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 4:50 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1949 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I'm hoping that he will be posted elsewhere this summer. It will likely not involve him moving cities, but it could at least have him moving offices. Of the two women, they will likely remain for another year, as will I.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Yes, I agree. Having secrets could be worse for our clearances, exposing those secrets could be worse for our reputations.

Either way, I can't base my decision on something work-related. I really just wanted to hear from BS's as to whether or not they would prefer to be told.

According to my tests, I am STD free and since I am out of the relationship, I have nothing to gain either way so I'm trying to determine what's best from this point forward.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I have thousands of emails and texts, along with pictures he has sent me, but I worry that they would be too graphic in detail to show her. I know that she will want proof (and he will likely continue to deny it regardless as he did with me) but I don't want her to be even more heartbroken having to read or see things she may not know about her husband.
Give it all to her. Warn her it's graphic in detail. Tell her if she just wants to destroy it, she'd be smarter to put it in a safe place for 6-12 months incase she changes her mind. If your willing, separate the emails & texts from the pictures. Then she can choose what she wants to see or read without being forced to see it all.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 327 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Hi Ashamed,
I am not a BS....I am a WW and also an OW. Though you asked specifically for BS to respond I wanted to give my two cents.

I agree with the others who told you to tell her, she has the right to know. Even though she will hate you for it, you are doing the right thing. And definitely tell her you have the proof if she needs to see it.

After I ended my A I confessed to my XAP's BW and my only regret is that I had deleted all of the texts and emails that I could have used as proof. In my situation he denied it and did portray me as the crazy stalker who made the whole thing up....but even though she believed him, I at least hope that one day (if and when he does something like this again) she will realize that I was telling the truth.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Another BS here. I would want to know. Plain and simple. Will it destroy her world? Likely. At least temporarily. But she deserves to know. We all deserve to know.

I've recently read from several other betrayed spouses on here how "relieved" they've been once their suspicions were verified. I concur. Relieved! Can you imagine that? Most of us--even though we didn't know exactly what was wrong--knew something was wrong. As my SLAWH sat in front of me, on the bed (after handing me a box of tissues--so kind), and confessed, I almost wanted to laugh. It was a nervous laughter, a surreal laughter, but I was almost giddy! I really, truly, honestly was NOT crazy!!!

Do her a favor. You don't see it that way, but it is. Yes, physically she should be able to protect herself, but you are emotionally--in the long run--saving her, too. It IS the kind thing, now that the damage is done (on your part), to do. Thanks!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 6:44 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I asked the OW for the truth on the first Dday and she lied to me. That cost 18 months that I could be further along right now. Dday #2 she finally told the truth. (The A ended after Dday 1). But at that point I think she was trying to hurt my H, and may even have sent the (nasty) anonymous letter that led to my calling her. You see, she thought he was seeing someone else (um, besides ME, of course).

So would I have appreciated honesty from her from the beginning? Very much so.

If I were the BW in your situation I would want you to state the facts, let me know you have proof if I want it and give me an email with which to contact you. I would also want a sincere apology.

Good luck.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 7:38 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1813 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
lilacs40
Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I too would rather know what a jerk he was. At least I would be able to make an informed decision.

Also I know you didn't ask this but if there was any way possible I would also try to contact the BS of the two OW. Theirs husbands need to know as well for their health.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 355 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Exhausted in OH
Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I almost wanted to laugh. It was a nervous laughter, a surreal laughter, but I was almost giddy! I really, truly, honestly was NOT crazy!!!

^^^this! She "knows" even if she doesn't KNOW. I was so relieved to know that I wasn't crazy.


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2011
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

BS - would you prefer I speak with you in person (it would be at her place of work, which may be humiliating for her but it would be the only place I could contact her?) or send a letter with proof attached and an email address to reach should she so wish?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Whatever method works best for you so you be sure she gets it and understands. Really. There is no right away, better way, there just isn't to find out something like this. You want to be sure she gets the info though.

I don't think your reason for telling her matters one iota. Even if it is for not other reason than to stick it to him. The result is still the same, she gets the truth, she gets to make choices, she gets some control over her life back.

You are doing the right thing.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 553 | Registered: Apr 2009
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

You should be tested again. Some STDs like HIV take 6 months to show up. The virus that causes Cervical cancer is tested on a Pap smear.

She will believe you. She has probably seen signs. The texting and late nights. You did a bad thing here and have a chance to do one "good" thing and tell the BS.
Tell her abt the proof and let her decide if she wants it.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

She "knows" even if she doesn't KNOW
Sorry, pet peeve. This is a generalization and there are many BS's that don't know and are totally blindsided. The assumption that all BS's "know" something is going on is one of those "urban myths" about infidelity that need to be dispelled.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9951 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Tell her asap. She deserves to know. Print off every email and picture she deserves to know all of it.

Glad you are in counseling....


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Exhausted in OH
Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Point well - taken, SisterMilkshake. It's easy to generalize from ones own experience, as I'm sure you have done from time to time. However, from what OP said (questions about texting, late nights) this BW most likely senses something. Sorry to offend.

[This message edited by Exhausted in OH at 9:26 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2011
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Yes, I would want to know.

I would suggest telling her in person, mostly bc if you do it any other way her H could intercept it. I speak from experience on this one.

Be gentle, be remorseful, and be prepared for her to not be nice to you. Know that you are doing the right thing regardless of her reaction.

I would print off some of the convincing emails and texts that do not have too much gory detail or slamming of her, but clearly convey the nature of the "relationship".

Good luck and thank you for being willing to do this.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

My Ex's AP (Affair Partner…one of them at least) told me by finding my email address and sent me an email with a photo of a card that ex had sent him (ex was having gay affairs).

I could clearly see it was ex's handwriting. He sent photos of the envelope with the date stamp. Then, AP signed his name and left an email address.

I replied with a "thank you" and asked if he had anything else I could see.

Turned out he had names of at least one other person ex was having an affair with, dozens of emails and FB chats.

It was the gift I needed to finally get out of that marriage and walk away with a great settlement. I had PROOF of what he was doing.

Tell the wife. She probably already suspects.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
dailyflowers
Member
Member # 34210
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Sorry, pet peeve. This is a generalization and there are many BS's that don't know and are totally blindsided. The assumption that all BS's "know" something is going on is one of those "urban myths" about infidelity that need to be dispelled.

have to agree with this. I was ABSOLUTELY blindsided. had NO idea my H was engaged in an EA and was actually allowing himself to fallinlove with OW

OP, definitely tell. whatever way you can get the info to her.


eesh-- what an 'effing mess!!!

Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

It's easy to generalize from ones own experience, as I'm sure you have done from time to time.
Yep, you are correct. I had so many flags thrown at me from mods about generalizing that I was scared I was going to get banned from the site. Wasn't offended, just a pet peeve.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9951 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Ashamed,

Please ttell her, but do not go to her place of work. That would be incredibly cruel.

She should noy suffer any more humiliation than she already has. The memory of learning her husband has not been faithful will be seared into her memory.

Do it as kindly as you can. Please.

How bout a letter to her work place with an email address to contact you once she is able? It wouldnt be intercepted if you sent it to her work, though she will have to deal with the shock while there.

I so often wish of the many people who knew what i didnt, someone would had at least tried to send an anonymous letter to inform me. I had to find out by getting an std.

Worse than getting an std is never knowing what's going on behind your back.

You could call her too maybe? I think its best you do not tell her in person. There will be extremeemotionon her part possibly when you do. Take yourself out of the pic, so to speak, while giving her the option to contact you for further info if she wants to.

TY for coming here to seek advice on an ugly situation.

Please dont ever become the OW ever again.


Posts: 678 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

ashamed -

telling or not telling has everything to do with the woman married to this guy. she deserves to know. morally and ethically, she has a right to know. its not going to be easy to be the one to tell her (i had to out someone to his wife that my wife had been messing around with, it wasnt pleasant). it is the RIGHT thing to do.

it really is that simple. being a good person is all about doing the right thing. you know what the right thing to do is. that it isnt easy makes it all that much more of a test of your character. can you do the right thing even when its difficult?


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 581 | Registered: Jan 2014
mindbody
Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

I was in the camp of knowing something was wrong and believed WSO's assurances that no one else was involved. I was completely blindsided by the person who was the OW when he finally confessed.

Yes, tell BS everything that she wants to know. I think you should state the fact that her H has been cheating and unfaithful to her with you, and other women. Tell her you have emails and pictures to collaborate and you are ready to answer any questions she may have for you. I think an apology is the right thing to do, even if it doesn't go well.

If only the OW had come forward in my case....what a difference that would have made in so many ways....all preferable though. I would not have cared if it was for revenge, that's how important the message rather than the messager would have made for me.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2010
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

If I might offer a slightly different suggestion----

Some BSs might be ok with hearing directly from the OW.

Some may not.

Is there anyone you could send in your stead? A trusted friend that could contact her, and tell her/give her the proof---and provide your contact info should the BS wish to speak to you?

She's going to have her world blown apart...she may not want to hear it from one of the people that knew about the bomb...

I commend you for coming here, and reaching out.
Please...stick around, and keep posting. You can find a lot of good help here.


Posts: 3423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

I believe itainteasy has made a wise suggestion here.

Is there anyone you could send in your stead? A trusted friend that could contact her, and tell her/give her the proof---and provide your contact info should the BS wish to speak to you?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 327 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
justasinger
Member
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

First I would like to say, "Wow". This guy is a piece of work. Imagine the amount of lies he's been giving to his wife in 20+ years given the amount of lies he told you in the short time you were invoved. If you looked at this from a completely different (yet oddly similar) way.

Imagine this was not an affair, but a planned robbery. You and this guy were planning to heist something, you were working under the impression (incorrectly) that no one would be hurt, the insurance company would pay for the lost item, etc. Then you find out that your partner is actually completely willing to kill in order to accomplish the task. You back out, obviously, because you would never be party to murder, but would you tell the authority's? Don't get me wrong, this is (legally speaking), very different, but from the BS perspective (of which I unfortunately am), the best way I can attempt to get you to understand how I feel about it.
If he was having unprotected sex with you, then he is most certainly having unprotected sex with AT LEAST the two other OW's (probably more), and given that, is probably also STILL engaged in sex with his spouse (which is also definitely unprotected).
The BS MUST be told, and must be told with all haste, it may already be too late, but it may not be.
I cannot speak for all bs's out there, but I have no animosity towards OW's/OM's that I do not call a friend. It's not their job to keep my partner from straying. If someone came to me to say they had been engaging in A with my partner, I would thank them for their honesty, ask the questions I needed to ask, make sure that their partner (if they had one) was going to be informed, and let them go on their way.


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

I took everyone's advice and sent a package to his wife today. I tried to be as kind as possible and apologized for my part in her betraying her.

I instantly wish that I hadn't done it. I wanted to reach back into the mailbox and retrieve it, but couldn't. I'm so worried that the pain I will cause her by telling her is worse than the risk that he puts her in by having these affairs. I may have just ruined a family if she doesn't forgive him :(

I'm also terrified of his reaction - what if he tries to harm me? Is it normal to feel paranoid about my safety?

I just don't know if this was the right thing, but there's nothing I can do about it now. What's done is done.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, April 25th (Friday)

Giving the BW the truth will not destroy the family. The A has already done that. She just didn't know it yet.

It's scary to let go of the outcome. Be strong, you did the right thing.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4510 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
MindMonkey
Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 25th (Friday)

BH here. Thank you.

I get downright angry when waywards on SI refuse to tell their BS. I can't imagine living my life not knowing my SO was having/or had an A. It's a disgusting thought. I always say a prayer that the BS finds out someday. You've answered that prayer for someone.

Here's my hope for you: You never do this kind of thing again, answer any questions from BS if they ask, and hold onto your integrity. I wouldn't worry about your safety too much. If anything, you may have earned a pass from the karma bus (or at least avoided a lethal blow). If you feel threatened in ANY way, get an RO.

[Edited to remove potentially judgemental statement]

[This message edited by MindMonkey at 10:45 AM, April 25th (Friday)]


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
demos
Member
Member # 35660
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, April 25th (Friday)

Ashamed,

I just found this post and I know it's after the fact but still wanted to chime in with my 2 cents. I'm a BS and for the most part I agree that a BS deserves to know. But I don't always think it's the job of the AP to let the BS know. And I don't think you should have.

You knew this guy was married. If you wouldn't have found out he was having multiple affairs I believe there's a good chance you'd still be having an affair with him. I don't think you grew a conscience after the affair ended as much as you're just looking for some good old fashion revenge and/or lashing out for how you were hurt. You weren't concerned about his wife when you were screwing him but when you found out you weren't the only one now you are so concerned about the safety of his wife. Sorry, but I'm not buying that.

I also doubt he's been a serial cheater for 20+ years and his wife is clueless or thinks she has a great marriage or husband. Cheaters lie and he's lied to you just as much as he's lied to his wife.

I know you feel wronged because you weren't the only OW. But do you understand how crazy you have to be to think that you are in an exclusive cheating relationship with a cheater? Seriously, it's about as crazy as crazy gets. You knew the game. You played the game. You got hurt and now you want to spread the hurt around.

If you didn't know he was married then that's a totally different situation. But you knew. Now you want him to pay for doing something that you were absolutely fine with when it was happening.

Find out what's wrong with you. Move on from him and stop worrying about what he's getting away with. It's about you.

As far as mailing the package, decent chance he'll intercept it or be able to spin it as a crazy chick from work. I doubt it will accomplish what you were hoping for.


Posts: 184 | Registered: May 2012
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, April 25th (Friday)

I absolutely deserve that, but I'm not as malicious as you would believe me to be.

I came on here seeking advice from those who had been wronged, to find out whether or not they would have preferred not to know in hindsight. Had the majority said they would have preferred to remain unaware, I would not have told her. I don't hope to 'accomplish' anything with the letter other than to empower her with the truth.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 25th (Friday)

AshamedOW, no, you did not deserve that. IMO the PP was out of line. Yeah, we''re cheaters, we get it. You, AshamedOW, did the right thing. I''m sorry some people can''t see beyond their own hurt, and feel the need to come in here flinging around unfounded accusations and insults.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, April 25th (Friday)

AshamedOW,

I think you did the right thing and I think your intentions were valid. Yes, you did not intend to let the wife know when you thought it was just you but you did get tested to make sure you were clean and you did believe he was clean so I believe you thought the wife was not at risk for stds.

It was when you realized he was not truthful to you about your being his only other sexual partner that you were concerned that he was dnot truthful about his risk of stds.....rightly so. And you saw her increased risk.

If you just wanted to get revenge why would you have remorse after mailing? You would have had satisfaction.

I hope you have learned to never get involved in infidelity again.

Please post the results of your sending the package. I hope it helps her.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 503 | Registered: Apr 2013
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, April 25th (Friday)

Ashamed you did the right thing. Information from an AP would be hard to digest. My WH cheated multiple times before I found out, and I only found out because he got careless with his PA. It took a lot of detective work to piece together the past. Would I have been angry hearing from an AP, at first yes. But the truth is more important.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4510 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 25th (Friday)

This is not easy.

When people started to tell me, I didn't believe it, or want to. Luckily, they are still my friends now, though not as close as before.

What ended up happening, FWIW, is the only one who finally told me was OW herself. She gloated and tried to tell me "you don't understand our love."

I guess the point I wanted to make is that in my situation, many, many people knew-20-30 and more people knew including my very own mother and siblings. None of them told me.

Years later, what remains in my thinking is this stuff -not every day-but I find I haven't resolved this issue and have no trust for the people that knew.

It's so many emotions that I have now, after being in that wife's position in your post, that mostly I hang my head in shame and hide from the world because of what my x husband did. He also has a very large family, who all knew, and did not tell me, though had every chance. It is a feeling of being disrespected and shamed, among other things and not being taken seriously by him...or any of them.

Apologies for my long post. As I said, I lived in that wife's shoes for a long time.

I just read your post that you sent the wife information-I'm so proud. It's so hard. FWIW, I have a friend in similar situation and I told her my opinion as gently as I could.

WW in my situation never planned to tell me. He also returned four times and was going to continue his double life for as long as he could, playing both OW and me. We did not let him, once I knew and she has him now...she can keep 'im.

So to finish my long post, yes, I needed to know. For while I was living authentically, he was not and he needed to be stopped, so that we could.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2363 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, April 25th (Friday)

mainlyinpain: this is my exact perspective. It's not that I "grew a conscience" overnight. I've had one all along despite what I did. Fact of the matter is that regardless of how insensitive my actions were, I honestly thought she was at low risk. I hadn't slept with anyone in 2 years before entering the affair, and yet still tested to be sure.

As I became more aware of his sexual activity, it became apparent that his wife, along with all his other AP's, unbeknownst to them, were being exposed to a high risk situation. Though what he did to me was wrong as well - and yes, I can't lie - it hurt - I accept that I took that risk when I signed on the dotted line. His wife, on the other hand, did not.

Even if he had been having protected sex, I would not have told her.

I'm sure that some people tell the BS out of revenge, or to gloat as the last post mentioned, but in this case, it is for safety. A few women mentioned being seriously ill because they ended up with STDs. If I can prevent this from happening to her, then I think it's the right thing.

I hate the fact that I have likely caused her pain by telling her. I was physically sick yesterday from it.

If I knew she was safe, I would have much rathered her remain happy and unaware.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 10:50 PM, April 25th (Friday)

A general reminder to the BS's posting here. Post respectfully per the guidelines of this forum, or your posting privileges will be removed.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37607 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, April 25th (Friday)

another BH here. thank you.

for those who doubt, the value is in the message, not the messenger.

Again, Thank You


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3158 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
LovelyDaffodils
Member
Member # 42822
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

Ashamed-
I appreciate that you wanted to let the BS know. It makes me wonder about my WH's OW. He says he lied, said he was single, gave her a fake name. She finally figured out he was married and ended it. I wonder if she has the same concerns for me. They had unprotected sex and he says that she was routinely tested -as a nurse (?) But she told him other than few times with her exH had not had sex in 2 years. Why was she D from her ex? His cheating!!! WH told her he hadn't had sex in 2 years as well. I think he just copies the stories he gets- easier than making something up. Just says "me too"

I just wonder if she knew how to contact me, if she would. I have a name and number that is likely her but don't want to contact because if I am not 100% sure, I think she would not admit to it.
But maybe she thinks about it like you and thinks I deserve to know the truth. Hmmmmm....


BS me 49
WS 42
OW easy NSA he says he told he was single
9 mo A
DDay 1/3/14
TT 2 wks later
still waiting for the rest
Married 11 yrs
Together 20
In house S, Divorcing

Posts: 75 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Southeast US
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

I just found this post, and while late in the game I am a BS and was sent a package by the OW 3 weeks postpartum. WHILE I hate her for what she's done to me, it was all his fault. He made a cardinal sin and promised her the world, and when that didn't happen, BOOM. She was apologetic in her letter, however, wanted revenge. He was cheating on me for TEN years, if she never told me it would have continued for another ten. So I am glad you told her.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Topic Posts: 56