|Just Found Out|
Topic: Obsessed with OW
Member # 42863
| Posted: 2:18 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
I read another thread here on this same thing recently, but can't find it. I need some help with how to control my obsession with the OW.
Over on the LTA thread, I got some really good advice from MC Jack, who reminded me that I need to keep the focus of my anger on WH, the one who made me promises and broke them, failed to protect me, and broke my heart and wrecked my world. Combined with this thread that I have been reading and re-reading (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326449) I KNOW, intellectually, that the OW is incidental to my pain. I know she could have been ANY woman with the right body parts and low-enough self-esteem. I know that he never would have left me for her Ė it was a LTA and he had plenty of opportunity Ė and I know that as soon as it was discovered he dropped her like a hot potato and is frantic to R.
So why can I not let her go?! I spend more time thinking about her than he does, and I KNOW it is a waste of my time and energy.
Yet I still find myself FB stalking her, or visiting her company website, or writing her letters that I am dying to send but donít only because WH and I agreed to show each other every bit of outgoing correspondence relating to the A. I want to grind her nose in how unimportant and pathetic she is, even though I know it would be pointless. And even though it makes me feel bad about myself. Thatís not who I am in real life!
Does anyone else struggle with this? What do you do? How do I look away from the wreck?
[This message edited by krispy47 at 4:33 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]
Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell
Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Member # 42856
| Posted: 2:28 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
I don't know what to tell you as I'm still currently obsessed with the OW in my situation too. I'd be curious as to what others might suggest because I am tired of wasting my energy on her and my WH. (((krispy47)))
Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce
Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 40264
| Posted: 2:29 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
why can I not let her go
For me it was because she had a part of my husband that was supposed to be mine. She knew all about me and didn't care. I wanted her to hurt the way I hurt. I wanted all the info on her I could find. But slowly, the need to get to know who this woman was and how my H could risk our entire marriage over her started to go away. She was a broken and pathetic woman. She doesn't deserve space in my head. It took months before I stopped completely obsessing. Do I still look her up on social media? Sure I do. But it's much, much less then before. I'm 9 mos out a year from now that bitch will be a distant memory.
Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
If it is what it is then what is it?
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 30853
| Posted: 2:46 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
My exwh got busted and, instead of sticking around to fix the problems, he ran. Unfortunately, he ran to "the slunt".
At first, I wanted to rip her head off. I know where she works and how I could get to her. She works for him so she also knew all about me and our two young children. As far as I'm concerned, she was an active participant in the destruction of my family and my whole sense of security. In fact, the information that I have points to her pushing him to leave or else she was going to spill it all to me. As it is, I don't know much about when they started, how often, where, etc. I'm sure she was ready to tell me everything.
Anyway, what stopped me from contacting her, looking at her social media bullshit, and eventually giving her little to no thought was the fact that she is a certifiable attention whore. She has a big mouth in person and on social media. She "blogged" about her "relationship" with my husband before I ever even filed for divorce. She would tweet celebrities as though they were her friends. She's just an all around wing nut who doesn't exist in the real world.
People like that LOVE when you give them attention. That lets them think that they are way more important than they really are.
I figured that out quickly and was determined to never give that stupid POS slunt one ounce of my attention. I've been in the same room with her once - she never even turned around to look at me. If I find myself in the same space with her again, I will look past her and wrinkle my nose like a bad smell just crossed my nostrils.
In addition to the fact that this is what will help me remain classy and dignified, particularly in front of my children, I know that it also is what will absolutely kill her. Silence, to these assholes, is as hurtful as if you shot them at point blank range.
Do not ever give that pig what she wants. She's nothing. Focus on yourself and your efforts to R.
BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.
Posts: 2878 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 41761
| Posted: 3:07 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
Read this post by deathbybetrayal, it is awesome, and It helped me! Its called :
"honey, they always affair down"
As far as letting go of the OW, IMHO - I finally got to the place where I had to let go because it was seriously affecting any chances of R with my WBF. It was also affecting me in my day to day life. I was miserable. All it did was cause me more pain. It definitely didn't enhance my life in ANY way, or add anything to R.
I deleted everything I had, I blocked her Facebook so I couldn't stalk her. Everything. I successfully haven't even attempted to look anything up to do with OW in about 4 months!! *HIGH FIVE* LOL.
It's hard, but I think if you want to move on, you have to get to the point where you understand that she is nothing, she means nothing, and she could have been anyone. literally. She's nothing special. But you are!
seriously read that post! It's great. I bumped it too so others can read it! Hugs to you Krispy47!
Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...
Together 7 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 40798
| Posted: 5:30 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
I'm obsessed right now with a woman that I don't know was an OW - I read an e mail from 2012 in that he said to his friend ( that was trying to get them together)that he was available and a good catch and that he couldn't wait to meet her. Those e mails were the end of that converstaion that I could see. He tells me he never met her - she lives in out city. I'm just so torn about not knowing if he did meet up with her or not..... UGH!!!!
Together 2 1/2 years
Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 42665
| Posted: 5:43 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
Yes I'm still struggling with this, although I didn't have enough self restraint to NOT see n d her email and text messages, which she then of course ran and showed to WS, and then he attacked ME for being a bad person. Ha.
D-Day: 2/22/14, together for 8 years
Me: BS, 29, living w/chronic Lyme disease
Him: WS, 29, OW was an ex-coworker
I found e-mails between them.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 43024
| Posted: 6:40 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
I think its only normal to obsess to a point! But...they are not worth your precious time and energy to do it! Sometimes I still find myself doing the same thing, but then I stop and remind myself, he is STILL here with me, and has been since the A 25 years ago! He could have left if he'd chosen to! Yes, they TOOK a part of our WH that was NOT theirs to take, however also remember, it could have been ANY easy, broken woman! They probably have NEVER known real, true love...so maybe obsess over pity for them!
[This message edited by Trying2LoveAgain at 6:49 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."
Posts: 335 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Member # 40055
| Posted: 6:59 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
I still struggle with her--18 months out. Of course, it doesn't help that he was DEEP in the fog and is an SLA. While I acknowledge that my WH is the one who broke vows to me, she was the one I felt safe to hate. So I did. I needed to let the hatred out some way, so I vented on her. She didn't know it, but I did. When I ran on a treadmill, I was smashing her face. I used my anger at her to propel me forward and to move on, to move through, to prove that she could not get the best of me, she could not destroy me.
The feelings I have toward my SLAWH are far more complex and don't motivate me in quite the same way. So although I WAS obsessed with her, I feel like it was productive. Does that make ANY sense at all? And now that time has passed, now that his interactions with her have lessened (they still see each other occasionally--once or twice a quarter), now that he no longer texts her and has finally blocked her phone number, now that he has successfully turned down a group lunch date that she'd be attending and that she invited him to, my obsession is dying. She's no longer a threat to me. And if she ever becomes one again, then my path forward is clear.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 7:01 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]
BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts
Posts: 473 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 42863
| Posted: 7:00 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
...however also remember, it could have been ANY easy, broken woman! They probably have NEVER known real, true love...so maybe obsess over pity for them!
I'm working on this. I do sometimes feel a sliver of pity for her: my WH was not the first MM who dumped her, and her H supposedly knew and did not mind sharing. She also knew that she ranked only about 5th on WH's list of priorities, after my kids, me, his job and his scout troop. It would take a pretty pathetic person to tolerate all that, and then grovel when he went NC.
But pity wins out only rarely. Most of the time I revel in her presumed suffering and wish I could see it up close. Karma is a bitch, and she's on my side!
Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell
Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Member # 31349
| Posted: 7:14 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
That was totally me. After time, the obsession with the AP fades - along with a lot of the panic and fury. You're doing an awesome job to recognize where to put your energy. Just know that she's not always going to occupy your brainspace like this.
"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom
Posts: 18232 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 42456
| Posted: 7:56 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)|
Whenever I'm obsessing, I make myself think about how happy it would make that vile cow. How gloriously happy she would be, knowing I was in pain over her. I soon turn my attention elsewhere.
Imagine a world where the words you speak appear on your skin. Would you be more careful of what you say?
Posts: 32 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
Member # 43079
| Posted: 11:30 PM, April 11th (Friday)|
Oh my goodness. I thought I was the only person who had this crazy obsession. I am 5 months post d-day. The OW knew everything about me the entire time, she apparently Facebook stalked me for eight months telling my WS how she wanted to be me. Now I find myself doing the same thing. I want to cause her as much pain, embarrassment, and humiliation that I can. My brain tells me how unhealthy this is and my time would be better spent doing something constructive., yet I still find myself cyber snooping all day long. She of course had me blocked from her Facebook profile. After all that is how she told me. She messaged me because he had dumped her to come back to me wholly and completely, and he wasn't going to get off scot free ( her words ). Shame on me, but I even posted her on one of those shaming sites. I won't say the name. Don't want to get in trouble with my first post. Please excuse me, this might be long. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this, because I never told anyone about it. Just put it under my hat and hid all the pain in front of my friends and family. We then moved out of state. Now I have no friends.
BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
Posts: 105 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 40212
| Posted: 5:26 AM, April 12th (Saturday)|
Hello all that are obsessed with OW....
I am almost 9 months out of "A"...my DD was 7/31/13. The OW stalked me and she is currently being prosecuted. Long story on how she stalked me but it was very bad. Her identity was revealed to me by law enforcement and then my "H" confessed to the affair. They had a long term affair and they met either at a hotel during his lunch hour or at her house. One thing I have to say to anyone on here is that even though your husband is home at night, he could still be having an affair.
I was very obsessed with the OW. Since she stalked me....I started stalking her. I even made up a fake Facebook page so I could go on her page. She has me blocked. I truly feel that it is normal to go through this obsession with the OW. We all want to know what they had that we did not have that lead our spouses into their arms. Well, what I discovered it that she has nothing on me ! It took time for me to move on from my obsession from her. I think she is pathetic and a criminal. She has three felonies and 2 stalking charges.
Anyone who is obsessed with the OW...use your energy else where. Do something positive for you. Cheaters go after availability, no quality. Remember YOU are a quality person !!! HUGS to all.
Posts: 131 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 42180
| Posted: 1:33 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)|
In my case, its the OW who were obsessed with me. She was the one stalking me in FB, calling and texting me and it was her who told me of the A. After DDay, she used evry means of communications to let me know everything about the affair, even sending someone to my home to talk about the A and that my WSO love her so much and that he will leave me for her. Even calling me and let me hear they're having sex with my WSO (he doesn't know, he said). It was crazy, she wanted to break me, temporarily yes she does, I had several episodes of panic attack, nightmares because of what' had happened. But I had enough, I deleted my FB account, change number and email account. I can't let her do that to me anymore. WSO wanted maybe to cake-eating, me now in rollercoasters of deep shit emotions.
Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 42673
| Posted: 2:30 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)|
I know far too much about the OW
I wish I knew less - I wish she was an unknown -
that she hadn't sat at my table for Christmas dinner - helped with my kids - I wish that I didn't know that her fav drink is a g and t , and on and on and on
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4
Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 37907
| Posted: 3:23 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)|
Your DD is so very recent. Please just hang on! They days will get easier...but I do NOT mean "rug sweeping" is the way to go. You are still on a tumultuous roller coaster and will be for a while. Just keep busy, focus on what is important and keep reading and posting here on SI. I appreciate your honesty and wish you the very best.
Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.
Posts: 195 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
Member # 42970
| Posted: 6:51 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)|
I found that my obsession about the OW weren't actually about the OW. I was obsessed with the fact that OW knew more about me then I knew about them.
Once I realized that, I knew there was only one solution for me that would work. I found out everything I possibly could about all of the OW. With my sister, that was easy because I knew more about her the WH ever could. With the rest of them, I dug around. I found their FB, read their blogs, ran background checks, and basically found out all the dirt on them that I could.
It has helped. Information is power. For too long, I felt like OW had all the power because they had all of the information. I took my power back.
BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.
Posts: 358 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Member # 43005
| Posted: 7:18 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)|
i have obsessed a bit when i found the guy on social media from stuff WS told me and my own investigative stills, i know where he life, works, email, facebook, POF, phone number, pictures all that jazz (i may be in the wrong career hah), i did send him a message, nothing bad just wanting answers, i dont expect anything from looking at the little puke, i am hoping eventually i can just forget about him, its not easy though i feel your pain.
Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"
Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 37529
| Posted: 7:53 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)|
I think it is normal to obsess over the OP for some. It is hard not to do that - while your WS is at fault for the cheating in your marriage, the OP is also at fault for not following the golden rule.
The thought that it could have been ANY easy broken person may apply to some situations and help them to not obsess over OP. It doesn't apply to all situations though. In some cases the OP is a very specific person and wasn't just anyone. Especially in many LTA situations this could be the case. In my situation, the OM1 was there from the very beginning. He was a former BF that my WW never broke up with. He wasn't ANY easy broken person - he was a SPECIFIC broken person that violated my M and had been with my WW longer than I have.
I know crickets is what is always advised. Crickets are all that I have given for 1 1/2 years. I am not sure if crickets always work though. I've typed many emails myself and not sent them. One day I think I will just hit send, block OM email forever so that I get the last word. Waiting for Karma is not always satisfying.
BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years
Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 34827
| Posted: 2:21 AM, April 17th (Thursday)|
Do you have any idea how many posts say the exact thing...so there's your answer. Ow obsession is one of the hardest habits to break. I'm guilty of having my own for many months. It's because you want to know, to study, figure out what the hell made this person so enticing to ws. They may know a lot about us from ws but we know very little usually about this person that helped knock us on our ass. I kept trying to figure out, why her. She didnt look so hot but then what was it. So your obsession is very normal, but its something that you really have to battle to get past the urge to look them up, and its so damn easy, right? A few clicks and there they are and no one knows what your doing. My obsession just kind of faded with time but in the beginning..omg I was stalker material.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Posts: 5235 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 43118
| Posted: 8:55 AM, April 17th (Thursday)|
Omg I am right there with u ..I am so obsessed . I found out everything I could about the ow. In the beginning it made me feel better because had this image in my mine that she was this perfect flawless woman but in reality she was as flawed as ever. But now it makes it worst cause I feel I am pretty good wife and yet he text and was more open to this woman who obviously has issues. So what is wrong with me??? I am trying to keep myself occupied with my kids and I am working out and reading a lot and trying to stay away from finding out more .. But I totally understand where u r coming from.
Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Jersey
Member # 40139
| Posted: 8:29 PM, April 17th (Thursday)|
I am sorry you are struggling with this. I know it is so hard, but it seems to be quite normal. I agree with furious1... for me it has been about regaining a feeling of power. She drove by my house. She was in my vehicle. She was in my husband's office. She has seen my children. She had a year to find out anything she wanted to about me, and I barely knew she existed. I was posting pictures of me and my H looking happy and in love, and she was blowing him. I was the ignorant fool. Never again.
I want to know EVERYTHING there is to know about her. I have seen every picture there is to see of her. I know who her mother is and who does her hair. I know what colour her underwear is and the colour of her kitchen walls. I know who her friends are, who her favourite bands are and everyone in her family who shares OC's middle name. I want to know more about her than my H knows about her. I HATE that they had lunch together, that they had stuff to talk about. More than the sex, I hate that. I hate that she was DATING my HUSBAND. He made her breakfast. She had his baby.
I feel like my OW obsession won't end as long as the OC situation is unresolved. She still has power in my life, and so I need to know my enemy.
Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.
Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 38790
| Posted: 9:01 PM, April 17th (Thursday)|
I struggled with the same thing for a year. Until I realized that it was okay. We all heal differently and need different things to make the situation liveable. So, I did what most on here would say not to do. I sent the OW a letter on Dday anniversary a year later outlining what I felt about her. I also included a letter my fWH wrote about how he regretted what he did to me, how he loved me, what I meant to him, and how he felt about her (which was disgust). Finding this site too late in the after A, we never did a NC letter. So, I guess in some respect it was a NC letter of sorts...just a bit more harsh.
And yes he does feel indifferent about her to all you fellow SI that are on that band wagon-I forced him to tell me how he felt if he didn't feel indifference. At that point in my healing-indifference meant Jack shit to me. I wanted him to HATE her. Even if me having that type of HATE scared him. I am the type of person, who always saw the best in people and surrounded myself with a lot of different people. So it WAS scary for even me. Now, I have reached pity for her.
But anyways...back to the story....
I needed her to be taken down a peg or two. Call me whatever you want, but I didn't start this shit hole. I will be damned if some easy piece of work whore walked around thinking she was all that by getting my husband to cheat on his wife. I will be damned if she walked out of that relationship with an ego-trip.
It was the best thing I did to fix that issue. It was liberating to send that letter.
Never heard from her again. It has been 7 months since that was sent. And yes he had NC and did not break it with her since D-day other than forced to work with her on a handful of occasions months later.
After that, I never wasted my energy on her again. Chapter closed.
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.
Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Member # 40032
| Posted: 9:17 PM, April 17th (Thursday)|
I've gotten better about this and did it mainly like plainpain states: Know your enemy.
Until dday I didn't know I had an enemy and really she's my first enemy. So had to get used to that too. Hating someone so much was new to me...
Now I just monitor indirectly and occasionally. Her teenage son just complained on twitter that his mom is out all nite and doesn't let her kids know where she is implying he thinks she's a slut. I took this as a good sign that she has moved onto her next victim.
I can't stand to look at any pictures of OW. It makes me ill and evil drips from it.
When you get this out of your system you will feel much relief. This is a process and you will be able to let the obsession go and that is something to look forward to because it will bring you peace.
[This message edited by whattheh at 9:21 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]
BW- mid 50's (me)
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...
Posts: 586 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 43064
| Posted: 11:09 PM, April 17th (Thursday)|
I wrote 2 letters to OW but did not send them. I think I will send her one once my WH moves back to the U.S. because at that point he will for sure be NC with her just through logistics. I mean she could technically fly here but I will put a GPS tracker on his vehicle if I have to and monitor the situation until I feel he has gained my 100% trust. Of course we will have to be in complete R and both be in counseling.
She will get my letter in time. Right now if I send it she could go off her nut and try to harm him. She started to come at me when I confronted them at their office. She can be a violent person is my take on her in the few short minutes I encountered her. I'm glad she does not live in the U.S. She's NASTY.
Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs)
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.
Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2014
|Topic Posts: 26|| |