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User Topic: SO left his email account open on my computer
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

So of course i snooped... what i found was a girl sending him a copy of a ticket she had recieved for speeding and wanted him to pay it....he paid it.... I snooped a little bit more and found an email trail between him and one of his sons ( the one that i ques is his) about a car he wants... Well, my SO told him he was looking into having it financed but he has to get his own acct bc the one he has is in both our names ...really??? Before i read the email he and i had a conversation about what he was doing for his son and this car.... At the time he told me he was giving him $500 that was it....

Confrontation....

I hate confrontation....Yesteday morng i asked if he had anything he wanted to tell me?? He said no i dont and i said
are you sure? Of course he ssid yes i'm sure..... So i asked who is so and so...he says oh somebody i borrowed money from almost 10 years ago...i asked where does she live and he said in Oregon( true)...they worked together in LA and he borrowed $200 from her.... i said "you bortowed money from her"....

Then the conversation went to his son and the car, i told SO that he hasnt been honest withme about that.... He asked should i care since i dont like his son and dont think he's his son amyway...i said what are you talking about and what does that have to do with you being honest with me...his stubborn ass just stood there like a stubborn mule...then he said why didnt you just ask me why wad i given $160 to someone?? I told him i asked the way i wanted to ask....then i said so are you going to tell me whats going on with you and the car situation? He didnt say a word so I said fine and stormed out the door....

When i got to work i sent him a text telling him he always say to me this is our money but when it comes to him giving money to whomever are paying this or that for one of his sons he never tells me... I told him i'm an open book with him i tell him just about everything that is going on with me but he doesnt share inffo with me.... He never texted me back nor did he mention anything last night....


Do i bring it up again?

As for the son that i dont think is his.. I made the mistake (while intoxicated) that i didnt think he was his son...because the mother was married at the time and messing around with SO and diff men... This boy doesnt look like any of his sons... He has 3 other sons two are by the same woman and the other one is for another woman but all three has there fathers height and complex....i know it was hurtful to my SO to hear me say that but i've held it in since i met the son..well actually me and my SO mother talked about it too... He said i mentioned that too in my drnken state.. He said i asked my mother about that and she told me she never told you that oh boy...
What should i do now???

BTW-The son is 26 married w/ a 2yr old son...

What say you??


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

First, I say get your own checking account and separate your money.

Second, I'd be livid about "some girl" getting her tickets paid on my SO's dime. I, personally, would not let that one go.

Third, I'd have a very long and pointed conversation about the status of your relationship given the SIGNFICANT things your SO hides from you.

Fourth, I'd seriously consider kicking him out/moving out if things don't change very rapidly.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Isn't this about the fourth or fifth (or more) red flag you've gotten about this guy?

Add these to the list, I guess.


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I second EVERYTHING Gaby said.

Why would you want to be in a relationship where there are lies again????

Nope never again. Lying, Hiding, Not telling everything. I deserve more, and so do you.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

what Gaby, aj's mom and tushnurse said. All these red flags.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5978 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

what Gaby, aj's mom and tushnurse said. All these red flags

Yeah, what they said.

I think there is a huge difference between being Private and being secretive....you have the latter girl.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Omg!! I wasnt expecting replies this soon...thanks my SI friends...
Gaby you are straight to the point and i appreciate it soo much....

I must admit my thoughts have really been strange lately...now that we do not have the house hanging over our heads and i've graduated from college its like we have nothing going on together... secondly, I'm noticing more things that i never really paid any attention too..

when i was reading the emails between he and his son he lied to his son... He has two bank accounts surely he can try and get a loan through one of those...we have one account together at my CU we were putting money there for closing cost....... I have a separate chg & savings at the same CU plus a chg & saving at a reg bank...

However, the car is in both our names and now i have a huge student loan to pay back....i would def have to get a second job just to pay my bills....

You guys are so right about the red flags....

I have many things to think about...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

You wouldn't have snooped had you not had jacked up Spidey Senses.

Gonna be honest...I've not liked this guy from the get go and am SO glad you got out of that house deal. That whole "he wants to make investments for me using my money" thing said it all.

Speaking of, you should probably "unmingle" those house funds now.

Just sayin'...


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

and he was an AP?


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Exactly what AJsMom said.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 786 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I'm going to be blunt (again)...

However, the car is in both our names and now i have a huge student loan to pay back....i would def have to get a second job just to pay my bills....

So given the last part of your statement, it seems like you're willing to stay in this situation for convenience/comfort.
Is that really what you want to do? Don't you deserve a lot better?

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:59 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Sorry guys i'm on my iPhone so forgive me if i dont address all quest/comments..
Ajmom: yes i'm glad the house deal didnt work out either... We actually got life ins policies on one another bc i felt uncomfortable abt going into this without a safety net....yeah the investment thing: i didnt have a good feeling about that either... From what he says the investments are going well, i asked to see a statement and he never produced one yet....he doesnt put monies in the CU so whatever is there is mine....

Yes he had an affair on his first wife 30 plus years ago... That was one of the things he told me on our 1st or 2nd date... Get this he also told me that he use to LIE alot....

Gaby; no i do not plan to stay in this long term however i must be smart about how i go about things....i know he can be mean and cold so i def do not want to put myself in a position that i cant survive from..

Thanks for all of your input... Leaving work now and will chk back later..


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Frustrated  Posted: 6:08 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

He may have good qualities, he may have done nice things for you. Now that doesn't mean he is incapable of inappropriate and dishonest behavior.
Maybe you want one person to validate or give reasons why his behavior "doesn't seem so bad."
I can't be one of those people sorry.
This situation/relationship does not sound respectful or loving to Idkam.
Don't berate yourself for not having a better picker. Just get up, dust off and decide which steps you will take.
Don't settle.

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Helen, i do not plan to settle...the downside of all of tjhs is we just signed a lease on the condo. I should have asked him not to include my name.....i could afford this condo idk maybe we could come to some type of agreement....,

My sister will be moving to my town in a few months and i asked her if she wanted to be roommates..lol!! She called me immefiately and i told her about the recent events....the sjort version..


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I would definitely be making a plan B, get all your finances separated.

IMHO I think the 26 son should be financing his own vehicle. But I would let go of the 'not his son' conversation. It's really none of you business and even if he is not blood related doesn't mean it's not his son. Just saying, I have 2 sons they both have the same father and they look nothing alike, they are complete opposites people cannot tell they are brothers so it does happen genetics is certainly interesting.

Please look after yourself it sounds like this guy is starting unravel and stories (aka lies) are changing.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Let the life insurance policy lapse and make sure he knows it.

Posts: 1431 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

You can cancel the ins. policy and be refunded the remainder.

If you have a Federal student loan, you can call them and have the payments reduced to something more affordable. You'll still be paying interest but until you can handle a larger payment, it's the best course of action.

You have 6 months after graduation to start paying them back.

Take out what you put into your joint account or close it all together and give him his portion. Separate financial ties with him immediately. Make sure he has NO access to your other accounts.

Talk to your landlord or building management. Ask them about getting a place just for yourself in the same complex and how you can go about removing yourself from the lease. If you stay in the same complex or with the same management they may not charge you anything for moving.

Get away from this guy. Fast. He's lying to you left and right. NO ONE pays $160 for a ticket for someone else unless there is some kind of relationship there. And you KNOW this.

((hugs))

From what he says the investments are going well, i asked to see a statement and he never produced one yet

Demand to see this. Look at taking legal action if necessary for fraud/theft for taking your money. DO NOT give him any more.

Refinance the car or quick claim it to him and get one on your own.

This guy is lying to you left and right.

[This message edited by Mousse242 at 9:04 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

What say you??

I say get out. This relationship is full of lies and distrust and anger and frustration and sneakiness. Why live like that?


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

It''s in the early stages and he''s already showing you:

1. He can''t communicate with you about important issues
2. He''s conflict avoidant
3. He''s deceptive
4. He''s a blame shifter - note how it was YOUR fault that he hid the finance stuff from you

You already know he''s been a cheater in his past. He hasn''t done the hard work to change and you know what that spells for your future.

GET. OUT. NOW!


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1063 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Thanks agsin for your quick response...

Let me try to address some of question/comments...
The landlord is our friend who was diagnosed with esopageal cancer last Oct... I certaintly do not wsnt to bring him into our mess....i will check into the the quick claim regarding the car situation.....the monies in the CU is mine he took out his money already....i'm calling the ins company on my lunch hr. To cancel....at this moment the only things we have together is my car and he pays my cell bill and we put my moms phone on our plan also....

We bought a washer with my cc and i want to pay that off right away.....for next several months i will be working towards paying off cc and putting money aside for my exit.....

I believe he thinks that everything is ok now bc we are having small talk here and there.... How do i bring things up againt do i say SO i'm leaving you or do i lay low until i get everything together???


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

As long as your money is sitting in the joint account, HE still has access to it.
Move it to your personal account as of YESTERDAY.

I wouldn't tell him you're leaving. Get your ducks in a row first, then go.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Honey, he is abusing you thru your finances. You staying gives him more opportunities to continue doing what he's doing.

He's been down this road before, he knows the signs. Don't be surprised if your time frame gives him more ways to sink you deeper into debt.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5282 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

I agree with Kajem.
I think you should pay off the washer/cc after you leave. Concentrate on getting the funds to get out and away from him.

Please do not sign on for any more joint debt with him.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Gaby & KJ thanks for your input...

i pd for the washer and he purchased the dryer with cash...i was suppose to pay it off with my income tax but did mot....he doesnt ask me to buy anything with my money so i'm not worried about that....

I have to play my cards right so i dont set him off.. I know how he can be when he get upset...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

This relationship sounds like a hot mess.

Just get out. Do whatever you have to and get away.

If he is paying another woman's bills he is in an emotional affair at the least.

and really I have no idea why you would tell him that about his son, that isn't your business, it's incredibly hurtful, and anyway oftentimes brothers just don't bear a resemblance. What was the point of that? I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if I introduced a man to my family and on the drive home he decided to tell me "I don't think that's your real dad"
wtf???

Regardless, you need to make a plan that involves you being away from him within the next week. Not 5 or 6 months. The fact that you're worried about placating him means it's time to quit worrying about placating him. If he is the type of guy who gets vengeful when he's angry it's going to happen anyway. Start moving.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Absolut: i didnt tell him on the drive home... We've i realized it was hurtful for me to say that to him but this young man rubbed me the wrong way the second time we spent time together and i never forgot it....he really is diff than the other sons and i cant help the way i feel... However i apologized to my SO for saying that to him about his son....

I cant just pick up and leave now i did that once when i left my ex husb and struggled... i do not want to make that mistake again....

I'm getting anxious about all of this....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Absolut: i didnt tell him on the drive home... We've just met him two years ago.....after meeting him my SO asked me did i think he looked like the others and i said no not really..that was too years ago.... The incident i wrote about happened itwo fridays ago.....i realized it was hurtful for me to say that to him but this young man rubbed me the wrong way the second time we spent time together and i never forgot it....he really is diff than the other sons and i cant help the way i feel... However i apologized to my SO for saying that to him about his son....

BTW; I cant just pick up and leave now, i did that when i left my ex husb and struggled... i do not want to make that mistake again....

I'm getting anxious about all of this....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

idk

I didn't think you said it under any particular set of circumstances I was just trying to make a comparison.

Maybe you can't help how you feel but you can control what you say. if you can't control what you say when you drink don't drink. Also if this man really does have horrid children that would be a reason to seriously reconsider the relationship, not knock him down a peg.

I fully understand struggling. I didn't work when I was married. Now I struggle. That's life, people struggle, mostly for their freedom


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Yes he had an affair on his first wife 30 plus years ago

RUN!!!! This should have been your 1st and only red flag. You went through this... Did he get IC? I know I am being sorta of a bitch here but I would never chose to be with a man who was in an A after what I just went through. They don't seem to stop lying or having that wh mentality. Well, I should not say all but this man is starting to show wh signs, please be careful, I don't want you to go through another shit sandwich. I feel for ya.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Absolut you're correct i should leave it alone and i have left it alone....thats the only incident that i mentioned anything about his son...

I mentioned in another post that my SO thinks everything is fine bc he got into bed last night (i guess he thought he was going to get some sex) and asked me how long am i going to stay mad? I told him as long as i want too... He turned over and went to sleep...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Yes he had an affair on his first wife 30 plus years ago


RUN!!!! This should have been your 1st and only red flag. You went through this... Did he get IC? I know I am being sorta of a bitch here but I would never chose to be with a man who was in an A after what I just went through. They don't seem to stop lying or having that wh mentality. Well, I should not say all but this man is starting to show wh signs, please be careful, I don't want you to go through another shit sandwich. I feel for ya.

If this was the ONLY thing that could be a red flag, then running may not be needed. It was 30 years ago, and if he did actually get help and change, then I would be ok with dating them.

however, based on all the information that has been presented, I would suggest that your SO has issues with secrets and telling lies (even by omission) so he can continue to control his current life status quo. This is pretty selfish and disloyal to you.

He KNOWS you wouldnt be happy with the things that he has done, so rather then actually NOT do them, or tell you about them...he goes behind your back to continue them.

Cheating aside, this is not behavior that is good in a mate. He's not your partner in this right now. He's very much on his own, with you just being there as his GF right now.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

I was thinking about you last night.

I was feeling a little triggery over something stupid. I knew it wasn't real but sometimes its hard to let the emotions go. My SO's computer is never locked so I went and checked his email accounts for comfort. Yeah it was snooping. No I didn't really need to do it and wouldn't have gone out of my way to do it.

The point is that it should be comforting when you have an unexpected glimpse into their private world. I'm glad you're planning an exit strategy but don't let it go too long or you might find your self staying.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Undefine. You hit the nail on the head, thank you for putting it all in perspective.....he is not a partner...

When i sit back and really look at all of the lies he's told me big and small i'm disgusted with myself for staying with someone like him....whats wrong with me?? Was i that desparate that i overlooked what i thought were little things so that i can have a life that i desired? The life that i thought would bring me a lifetime of joy....

I'm crushed...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Oh Hexed you're right it should be that way... I've only snooped a few times and i always found something but overlooked it... I believe it was because i didnt want to make waves... My focus was on school then it was on the house....

I'm sitting here thinking about all of his lies from the house in ATL being his but its his mothers, all 3 of his sons had the same mother when only two has the same mother, he owned a chken farm in his country which was a lie to his step dad was his bros father when his bros father was another man.....

I make me sick....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

idkam - This may sound harsh but, you really don''t sound emotionally ready for another relationship. You''ve ignored big red flags and it sounds like you don''t really have self confidence or self-respect right now. The worried about struggling etc sounds like excuses and like you don''t value yourself enough. You DO deserve better, but it doesn''t sound like you believe that. And you need to work out why you''re letting him treat you like this, rather than getting out.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1063 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

SO just sent me a text asking "what are we doing? I asked him what does he mean? Then he said you are still upset anout me buying my son a car? I told him i was upset bc he never told me he was buying his son a car.....guess what he had the nerve to say???? If you felt differnt about him i would have told you.....WTH??? I told him i knew he would say that....then i said we need to talk face to face....i'm sooo done...

I'm looking at apts but im afraid with my student lian now on my credit its hoing to be hard for me to get an apt...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

Soft, i believe you are right to some degree.. Yes i allowed myself to stay in this relationship way past what i should have...yes my self esteem was and might be still low otherwise i never would have stayed in a marriage for 9.5 yrs to someone who was a cheater....i thought this guy was diff and i should have walked away 3yrs ago but i didnt....

I was never this way before marriage... If someone cheated on me or mistreated me i was out of there... I was the type of person who would not drag a bad relationship into the next year, if we werent getting along by the end of 12.31 i was out of there....

I really do not have a problem working two jobs or doing what i need to do to meet my needs....i know i have to get out of this relationship and that is my plan....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

((idkam)) It''s really tough. I''m not going to be ready for a relationship for a long time. I used to be out of there too...funny, huh?

But so well done for being able to end things. You know that YOU are not the failure here, right? He''s not done the work to be healthy, and that shows you''re getting healthier because you can spot that now. He''s no good for you, or for anyone else.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1063 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

Thank you for the kind words Soft....

I really believe he thinks there is nothing wrong with him... He expects people to look over his indescretions no apologies from him....

I'm looking forward to being alone. I know that is a weird thing to say but i am....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

I'm just saying people don't just pay other people's speeding tickets.....unless they are in a relationship.

If someone borrowed money from me years ago, I wouldn't call them up, years later, with a debt, and expect them to pay. After 10 years, suddenly she has a ticket to pay? You should not be believing one bit of this story.

I can't see much past all the red flags waving with this guy. If it were me, his ass would be out the door.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3416 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

ITA with most here, he is a liar. My take is he is a liar to avoid conlfict. If I don't say it or if I deny it - it doesn't exist. This is not a good trait for any mate.

Now that being said: Sorry this is harsh but

SO just sent me a text asking "what are we doing? I asked him what does he mean? Then he said you are still upset anout me buying my son a car? I told him i was upset bc he never told me he was buying his son a car.....guess what he had the nerve to say???? If you felt differnt about him i would have told you.....WTH??? I told him i knew he would say that....then i said we need to talk face to face....i'm sooo done...

You were so wrong to say anything about his son - WRONG WRONG WRONG!! Whether he was his son or not he accepted him along time ago. You had no right to voice any opinion other than "Gee I don't know if he looks like you - what do you think?"

If I want to give my son every dime I have that is MY business. The same applies to my SO. Hell his son have him thrown in jail, dragged him through court for a year, cut off contact, bad mouthed him all over town while under the evil exes spell. Well guess what when he siad he was gonna reach out to him I supported him, I HATED IT!! But that is his son, his child, the one he held as a baby, kissed booboos. When you say something about a persons child it is a bell you cannot unring.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

idkam - This may sound harsh but, you really don't sound emotionally ready for another relationship. You've ignored big red flags and it sounds like you don't really have self confidence or self-respect right now. The worried about struggling etc sounds like excuses and like you don't value yourself enough. You DO deserve better, but it doesn't sound like you believe that. And you need to work out why you're letting him treat you like this, rather than getting out.

^^^this...without a doubt.

I don't know how many times people warned you about this guy and each and every time you ignored everything people told you and made excuses for him. You were determined to stay in this unhealthy relationship. Now is the time for you to get the necessary help to figure out why.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

Undecided: i know i was wrong for saying that about his son... WE have joked about it in the past but ithis time it bad timing on my part..... I cant apologize enough about that....i cannot change what happened...

Lieshurt; people are so quick to say leave get out without knowing a persons circumstances... I stayed with him because i needed too... I was in school and not want lose focus but now thats behind me i can focus on the relationship....

Thanks for your input i really appreciate it...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

Mmmmm! He took my computer to wirk with him i'm thinking he put a spyware on it or he's trying to figure out how i found out about his son.....

How do i chk to see if he put anything on my computer?


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, April 11th (Friday)

id - I hear you unfortunately it is what it is. You may laugh about but I am sure inside he is still very bitter.

Now that being said(LOLing I am actually using that platitude):

That was your only wrong. He is so broken, and he is breaking you. Please don't let him do that. I do understand money. I left my son's father with nothing, clothes on my back. You can do this. I do think you may need to be alone awhile, do you for now.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 11th (Friday)

Undecided: yes i believe i should be alone for a while... I met my SO 2 years after my divorce and i was dating other guys here and there too...

We kind of talked last night about us.... Of course he threw in my face about if i liked his son he would have told me everything and i told him that he told me a lie instead..... I told him i dont know why i said that about your son but i do like him but this isnt about whether or not i like J... This is about us and our relationship and how you do not include me in your decision making... I said to him im just a girlfriend to him im not a partner.... If i was a partner he would tell me whats going on in his life.. I also told him tht he's so worried about how i will respond that he chooses to hide and lie about things... Then he says you dont trust me and i said NO i do not trust you how could i trust you?...i mentioned to him about his failure to give me a copy of the investmnt statement ...he did not respond...then i said you've been lying to me ever since we met...he didnt say anything to me the rest of the night....

Oh well...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 11th (Friday)

Well well well, i just checked my personal email and wnt back to 2010.., why 2010?...well bc i remembered a dissgreement he and i had about a convo he had with a female on FB... Guess hjo the female is?? yes you guessed it the same girl he pd the ticket for.... busted...

FTG!!!


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

SO just sent me a text telling me he misses talking to me... He want to hear about my day at work and the gym...

I didn't get approved for the refinance loan.. I was told the rate i have 3.6 is a very good one....

I would like to trade my car in (2013 Hyundai Genisis)so my payments will be lowered i wish i knew where to go....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Oh i forgot to say i haven't responded to his text...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1801 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 49