SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Wedding Bands
Wayflost
Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I've noticed a theme in my life. Several posts throughout this and the other SI forums have mentioned the wearing (or not) of wedding rings post d-day. I read these posts after a very heavy, painful, MC appointment where BH read me a letter describing the meaning of our rings. By that I mean, he read me a letter describing what they had meant for him before, and what they mean to him now.

He hasn't worn his ring since October. At the time he told me it didn't mean anything anymore. Well, that wasn't exactly true, but I get his point. Because I was engaged in lying and cheating throughout the months we were engaged, leading up to our wedding, and after the meaning of unity, commitment, monogamy aren't there for his band. Heís absolutely right. I did not honor any of the meaning of the rings. Just typing that brings the shame spiral down on my head. Instead, the rings represent my lies to him. His ring had two recessed bands in it, and he feels those represent the person I held myself out to be, and the person I actually am. He says there is no overlap. To him it is the good Way and the bad Way. He now sees just the Bad Way. He wrote that no matter what ends up happening he will never again wear a ring from me.

Until last week I wore either the ring he chose for me, or the plain band I bought for myself to wear while working out, digging in the yard, etc. During our session I removed the plain band and threw it in the trash. Our C asked me to fish it out and make no decisions about it until the emotional reaction had cooled. I did as she asked, but am still contemplating throwing out my band and his. They donít mean anything good any more. I will not throw out the ring he chose for me, it is worth something, even if I never wear it again. Right now it is clearly too painful for him (I saw the pain on his face when he saw I was wearing it), and it stands for things in his eyes I donít want.

All of this is related to pre-A relationship issues. He always knew I wanted to be married, but never felt like I meant that I wanted to be married to him. Of course my As have driven that feeling of being replaceable home, because as he says I ďreplaced him, many times.Ē I, on the other hand, also never thought he wanted to get married to me. Early in our relationship he would talk about marriage being an archaic institution. Later, he would talk about how he thought marriage was nothing more than a ring and a piece of paper. Then he seemed more open to the idea, but not with me. I couldn't figure out what the problem was. The problem was that I was too bull headed to acknowledge my role in our relationship and the dysfunction of my FOO.

So I started asking, ďNow that ___________ has occurred can we get married?Ē I stated that I did not want a ring, that I would accept a plastic ring from a cracker-jack box, or nothing at all. Which I've learned is a statement he didn't believe. Because we had been together for a decade he felt immense pressure (some self-applied some outwardly applied by busybody 3rd parties) to get me something ďworth the wait.Ē Ugh. I donít even know what that means. Of course I was blown away by the ring, how could I not be. Itís beautiful, unique, amazing. But it was reluctantly given. Heíd had the ring for 6 months prior to giving it to me. He was reluctant. He had every right to be reluctant. I actually told my IC yesterday ďWhy wouldn't he be reluctant? Who would want someone as broken as me?Ē

I felt rejected by the reluctance. I felt rejected when he went on an exchange. I feel unworthy, ugly, like I will never be good enough. He always responds with, ďI always thought you were enough.Ē But he didn't, and heís blind to the contradiction. And here we are. Iím the bad-guy because I had affairs, I cheated, and I lied about it. Iím the bad guy because I still minimize, although Iím getting better about catching it.

This whole thing about wedding rings just has me tied up in knots. Of course he doesn't want to wear the ring I gave him on our wedding day. But the meanings heís assigned to the ringsÖ the hurtful things he says with the intent to hurt meÖ the hurtful things he says because they are trueÖ I want to wear a wedding band. I didn't always act like a married person when I did, but I've been acting as a monogamous spouse should. Iím proud of being married to my BH. I want that symbol for the world to know. Itís really important to me. But I just canít bring myself to wear any of the rings I have. I want him to wear a wedding band again someday. It doesn't have to be today, but I want it to be an option.

It sucks to know that I've made it impossible for either of us to truly have what we want from our relationship. My BH wants to have an honest wife he can trust, who is his partner in life. I want an honest partner I can trust too. I donít want to be settled for, even now. Itís been made clear that my BH did settle for me at the beginning, and if we stay together I will never know for sure it isn't because heís settling yet again. He doesn't want to be settled for either. Who does? Why would anyone want to be second choice? He isn't my second choice, he was always my first choice. He is still my first choice.

So I donít know what to think or do about our rings. Anyone have a story? An opinion? Iím willing to listen.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 424 | Registered: Dec 2013
gutfeeling
Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Is there anything other than he had the ring for 6 mo making you feel like he was reluctant?

I know a lot of my guy friends who had the ring for a while (months, one over a year). My h had my ring for over 2 months before he proposed.

I would not read having the ring for 6 mo and being reluctant. Wanting to get it right, being nervous/excited, etc. maybe but it is a big life decision and very NORMAL!

I think you need to work in MC about how you can make him feel more safe/valued and that you have not replaced him.

Likewise, you probably need to have a conversation with your MC there to help the dialogue about if he was reluctant to propose, and if so why.

In the meantime here's what I would say to him: Baby, I love you more than anything. I am so honored that you asked me to marry you in the first place and that you are now giving me the gift of R in our marriage. I understand that our earlier rings were tainted by my affair. I would love to pick out new rings together - they don't have to be over the top or expensive - but I would like to make that visual commitment (describe what it is to you - to be a great wife, to be monogamous, etc.) to the rest of the world. I promise you and will show you by my actions everyday that I will honor it. I'd also like to get you a new ring, symbolizing our new path and my love for you.

And then see what he says. If he needs time, he needs time.


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
gutfeeling
Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Also - don't throw out his band. If he wants to do that, he can, its not your choice.

The theatrics (throwing your band and threatening to throw his out) really need to go!


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

My BH took his wedding band off shortly after I moved out and we seperated; I moved back home in September and he still has not put it back on. He says its because he doesnt want to wear it and have it get ruined while he is at work, but I think he is simply not ready to wear it again.

I would love him to wear it again, but dont want to pressure him to put it back on if he isnt ready.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

My BH never took his ring off. He says he kept his vows so his ring is not tainted. My rings are a terrible trigger for him so I took them off and put them away. We picked out a simple band for me to wear.

I love my diamond ring it's beautiful and he picked it out and worked hard to get it for me. Maybe some day we will have it reset in a new setting and I will get to wear it again. For now I'm very happy and thankful for this simple band I'm privileged to be wearing.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

BH has taken his band off. He left it here when he moved out. I haven't said a word, just put it somewhere safe until he decides what to do.

I wear my engagement ring and my wedding ring all the time, they never leave me. And if we D, I will simply wear them on my other hand. He is father of my children, the most important man in my life, he will always have my heart and I will wear those rings as a sign of that.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 7:36 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I stopped wearing my ring. My ring was suppose to be a token of my wife's unwaverly love, honor, respect and commitment through thick and thin, ........ but instead it was a daily reminder of the exact opposite. I was disgusted to wear my ring in public (but I did so to avoid questions.)

On the other hand, literally, I wanted my wife to wear her ring much more. I requested she wear it to bed, while tanning, and when working outside. I asked she not to treat it like bling but rather as a wedding band that reminds her of me (so long as it never touched the other mans penis)

All of this is related to pre-A relationship issues. He always knew....

I''m not buying this portion of your message. I'm taking this as an excuse for why he should not be feeling what he feels. I recommend you get him a new ring to represent a new beginning. Continuing to wear the old ring can be very emotionally painful. As for you ring, the real one, I recommend you give him more time. He might come around to understand its a token of him and his commitment to you.

[This message edited by still-living at 9:23 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 779 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
lilacs40
Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I'll never again put on my rings. They were from a M that is over. I hope one day I feel good enough about WH and I to put one on but it won't be those. I even went so far as to purchase a new ring to replace them because since i have been a teenager i have worn a ring on that finger. Which really sucks because I loved those rings and he took great care in picking them out.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 326 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Badhurt
Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

How many affairs have you had??
I can't believe you have cheated multiple times and are here complaining and can't understand what you did or truly accept it.
Why do you want to still be married to him?

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 9:01 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Badhurt,

BSs are not to throw 2x4s in this forum. If you can't post respectfully, please stay off the thread.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38092 | Registered: Sep 2007
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

(((Wayflost)))

Yes of course the rings have meaning.
Back in the day when people would replace wedding bands they would go to their priest or pastor and have the rings blessed.
As a BS I hated him wearing the same ring he wore or had while cheating. I hated my set because it meant nothing to me. To me wevwere not married.
It took me years to decide too remarry him in Church and we bought a new set of rings.
Everyone heals differently what he writes today may have no meaning next week.
So you love this man you show him.with every breath you take. My spouse showed me daily how sorry he was by staying, fighting for us.

Keep strong find your self worth..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

(((Wayflost)))

Yes of course the rings have meaning.
Back in the day when people would replace wedding bands they would go to their priest or pastor and have the rings blessed.
As a BS I hated him wearing the same ring he wore or had while cheating. I hated my set because it meant nothing to me. To me wevwere not married.
It took me years to decide too remarry him in Church and we bought a new set of rings.
Everyone heals differently what he writes today may have no meaning next week.
So you love this man you show him.with every breath you take. My spouse showed me daily how sorry he was by staying, fighting for us.

Keep strong find your self worth..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Actionsoverwords
Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

WH here.

Ever since the first D-Day, nearly 6 years ago, my wife has not worn her wedding band. In fact, we sold her engagement ring and some other jewelry that we had. Neither of us wore a band or anything that would suggest to the world that we married.

It wasn't until we were getting close to celebrating our 5 year anniversary that we went to a store to pick out matching gold wedding bands. I was supposed to by her a gemstone ring, but she ended up getting me a Tiffany band.

Fast forward a few D-Days later and it's back to no ring wearing for her and with me wearing the Tiffany band daily. Even though I broke my vows, I still would like to have a chance to make amends and save our relationship. If there is a possibility of reconciliation, I will keep my ring on.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 272 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
SadieMae
Member
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

I took WH's ring from him on D-day and put them in a box in my jewelry box with my wedding set. He asked for his ring back the next day and I gave it to him. I feel that I broke no vows, the ring he wears is still true.

My engagement ring is a sapphire, a symbol of loyalty. I used to be proud of that. Now the rings make me so sad to see, all I see are his broken promises to me. It's been a month today exactly and I noticed this morning that you can't even see that I used to wear rings on my left hand. That makes me so sad.

I have WH's grandmother's wedding band. I got it sized down for me. When I'm ready and when WH can tell me what it means to be my husband, I will give the ring to him to give to me. I let him know I want him to make it meaningful when he gives it to me. I let him know that I want him to make me new promises, promises that he will keep.


Me: BW 40
Him: SAWH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
Wayflost
Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

gutfeeling

Weíve had the discussion about reluctance with our MC several times. It wasnít just that he had the ring for 6 months prior to giving it to me. More, it was about the reluctance to even discuss marriage. Early in our relationship he stated that he believed the entire institution to be archaic. When he finally seemed open to the institution, he was waiting for me to become his partner. As I stated before, I can see now what he was waiting for, and how I did not provide that safety for him. I am doing the work to change myself in some very fundamental ways so that I can be safe, a true partner, and a whole person. Truthfully it is a testament to his healthier state of being that he was reluctant to become attached to such a broken person as me. I have had a very toxic relationship with my FOO, and that was a major issue that needed resolution. Currently I am not in communication with any of them with any sort of regularity, and am working to keep any unavoidable contact limited.

Respectfully, I donít agree that discussing the urge to throw out the rings is a form of theatrics. If you reread what I wrote, I was careful to say itís something I am thinking about. That, for me is the point of writing a post. Itís on my mind. Things are often clearer after the clouded and murky thoughts are written out. KWIM? Throwing out the ring in MC was. I own that, but it was done not to make a statement. It was an emotionally charged poor attempt at acknowledging what he was saying. I am not making any decisions about what to do with any of the rings at the moment. I have them put away safely, and will continue to hold onto them until I am able to make a clear decision with my BH about what to do with them.

Alyssa

Iím in the same boat. I would love him to wear a ring again someday, but am applying no pressure to do so. Even the thought of asking seems unfair to do in some respects.

Knightsbff

When my Bh first told me why he took his ring off, I had the same thought as Knight. Almost verbatim I thought, ďBut Iím the one who broke our vows.Ē Itís interesting trying to walk the line between sharing or not depending on the issue, my response etc.

BrokenButTrying

Thatís essentially what Iíve done. My BH actually put his ring in my jewelry box. I have moved it, but it is still safe.

Still-living

I did buy him a new ring. But he made it clear he does not want it. He literally stated that he will not ever wear another ring from me again. I am, by no means trying to deny him his feelings. I was careful to state that I absolutely understand why he feels as he does. Reread what I wrote. I think youíll see it. I could not respond because of the pre-A relationship issues, and I know that we are not yet at a point where we can deal with the relationship pre-A. But sometimes I still need to process those feelings. I wasnít looking for an immediate resolution of the issue, per se. Instead I am wondering what other people have done, how has it changed over time. Iíve read posts where BSes have smashed their rings, thrown them in the river, whatever. If my BH decided to do any of those things I would absolutely suck it up and deal with it. And thatís what Iím ultimately asking. Is this something that will never change for him and I just have to live with it, or is there a chance things will change?

Lilacs40

Thank you for responding. I was wondering if yours was a common position on the whole issue. And, it appears it may be.

Badhurt

I can see that you in a lot of pain. Iím sorry that my post triggered you. I am not complaining in this post, and do not wish to do so. If you read it that way, you are mistaken. My intent was to express my sorrow at creating this cesspool that my BH and I are now swimming in. He is the most intelligent, caring, brave, kind, gentle, hardworking, and interesting person I know. My BH has always been my biggest champion, and greatest support. There was a time when I was blind to that. I am a broken person who has made many mistakes, and many more bad choices, in my life. My BH inspires me to want to be whole. He inspires me to want to be well, to rid my life of toxic people and relationships. Regardless of how you judge my situation, that is my truth, and it is what I am working to make possible.

Heartache101

Thank you for your encouragement. I think what youíve written about your perspective is very similar to what my BH was getting at. He felt as though the ring I gave him meant nothing, and I think he is afraid any other ring I gift him will equally mean nothing. That is something I completely understand intellectually. Emotionally it still hurts, but Iím dealing. We are not religious, or even spiritual, individually or as a couple. But I do like the symbolism of having the rings blessed by someone. I might just look into it if we do ever go through a recommitment ceremony.

Actionsoverwords

I get where you are coming from. We are still legally married. I am working my behind off to try and become safe for R. We are not yet there, but it isnít off the table. My BH is incredible, and I want people to know I am his. Maybe even more so now, after everything, than ever before.

SadieMae

Thank you for sharing. I did not realize that sapphires stood for loyalty. My ring also has a sapphire in it, which is appropriate if you apply the meaning of loyalty to my BH. He was, and still is. I should have been.

[This message edited by Wayflost at 4:33 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 424 | Registered: Dec 2013
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

When he's ready, melt the bands down & have them turn them into something new.

You can't change his view of two bands = "the person I held myself out to be, and the person I actually am." But you can create something new from the material...perhaps something symbolizing growth? Unity?


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
Merida
Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

My ring came off and I asked him to sell it since we have attorney bills to pay (CS claim for OC).

I hated wearing my ring knowing it had a "soul mate" diamond in it (where they take one larger diamond and cut it into the two alongside the center diamond) and of course he obviously broke that promise. So yah, I can relate to your BH's position.

I had my WH's ring custom made by a jeweler = it's an amazing band with a celtic knot of two hearts intertwined... and it's meaningless for me now. I asked him to take it off and earn it back but he asked to wear it to help him


So he's still wearing his even though I told him it bothered me and came across as simply keeping up appearances. I'll give him the benefit of my doubt and hope it is helping him focus on why he wants to stay and fix things. I hope we are able to R and be stronger through all of this cr***

Dunno - it's too early for me to really know really how I'll be in a couple of years regarding wearing rings. For me, I didn't need a ring to tell me to be faithful but for now I will respect his wishes if it truly will help him.


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 212 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Is this something that will never change for him and I just have to live with it, or is there a chance things will change?

My guess is that he''s thinking it takes more than a verbal statement and a piece of gold from you before he is ready to accept, and wear a ring signifying, your commitment. I see nothing wrong with this. Its gonna take time and validation to prove you are trustworthy. This is one of the prices you pay. The biggest one. The one requiring the most work. There is no quick fix. It requires time and consistency. You need to be his hero, more than just end the affair and say you will never do it again. Think about it, if a dog viscously bits you, would you ever trust that dog again with your life on a daily basis? Most people would make it so they never need to trust such dog again. Im not calling you a dog or an animal, just saying this is the same correlation. It''s not easy to trust. You need to build your trust bank with him. You need to make yourself more vulnerable to him than ever before. You need to throw your heart on the chopping block for him nearly every day. Basically you need to lick his face and show your belly to him several days in a row before he is willing to trust you. He also needs to understand why it happened, why you had the affair, and why its not applicable anymore. He also needs to trust himself that he will survive without you should you fail again. In summary, a lot is required for him wear that ring. I say good for him, he''s on the right path, nothing personal against you.

[This message edited by still-living at 3:27 PM, April 9th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 779 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

When a couple is just beginning to R, there is a lot of grasping at straws and trying to find some thing or form of a grand gesture to demonstrate the level of commitment on the wayward's part.

Two months after DDay, BH and I took a cruise to Mexico. While in Cabo we got tattoos. BH had just quit drinking and got the word 'Accept' tattoo'd on his arm. Wanting desperately to show him how much I loved him, I got the word 'Devoted' tattoo'd on my ring finger. The gesture didn't exactly sweep him off his feet and he has questioned the rationale behind it. He has asked me what I would do if we didn't work out. The fact of the matter is, it is a permanent reminder of the fact that I have hurt my husband, the closest person to me. It is a permanent reminder that I truly do love my husband. And I will permanently devote my love to the both of us. To healing and becoming a better person. If he were to leave tonight, I will forever love him for the man he is. And I would show my tattoo with pride because it represents such a pivotal part of my life.

After our first year of R, I had bought BH a new ring. The ring is pretty cool and represents him really well. He wore it for some time but had gone back to his original band more for comfort than anything because the new ring is a little bulky. I have been glad that he still wears his ring but would understand if he didn't want to.

As far as my ring goes, I love it. It's beautiful and I know that BH gave it to me out of love. I don't consider it tainted in any way because it represents his love for me. The only time that has ever been in question was in my own crazy mixed up world. And I am pretty sure I am the only person in this world that had any doubts. I would be heartbroken to replace it. Which may seem like a funny thing for a wayward to say, but so much has changed in almost four years.

Sorry, such a long way to go to say I have no advice really. Just sharing my personal experience.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Wayflost
Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

splitintwo

It's not a bad idea. Maybe I'll take it up with him someday.

Merida

I appreciate your candor. The problem is we still struggle with communication. We still haven't discussed whether he would like me to earn it back, if he wants me to wear it at all, or if it matters to him. I suppose that should really be the first step for me: ask what he would like me to do. I don't want the ring to remind me to be faithful, but as an outward acknowledgement of the relationship. As I said, I'm proud to be his wife. If I could tattoo it on my forehead and still be taken seriously, I would. But I don't wan't to trigger his pain. I took it off, and I will not put it on again until we have that conversation.

Still-Living

I agree with you. My BH is doing the right thing. That does not offend me, because it is not about me. KWIM? I know I have a metric sh** ton of work to do. Everything about me has to change fundamentally, and that process sucks. But I'm doing it because we both deserve it. I deserve a better life than I was living for myself, and he deserves a better spouse, a partner, and companion.

WalkingOnEggshelz

Yes, it's that exactly. The day to day work goes on, but it's nice to have something that represents the effort and the love.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 424 | Registered: Dec 2013
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

He hasn't worn his ring since October. At the time he told me it didn't mean anything anymore. Well, that wasn't exactly true, but I get his point. Because I was engaged in lying and cheating throughout the months we were engaged, leading up to our wedding, and after the meaning of unity, commitment, monogamy aren't there for his band. Heís absolutely right. I did not honor any of the meaning of the rings.

Wayflost - I am a BH. I can relate some to your BH. I do not wear my wedding ring as well. My WW cheated on me while we dated, engaged and after we were married. We are working on R, we are 1 1/2 years from dday and doing pretty well, I still do not wear my ring though.

For me, the fact that the cheating was occurring essentially before, after and while we were getting married makes the wearing of my wedding ring difficult. I would agree with your husband that it has turned the meaning of my wedding ring to not mean much of anything. Your right that that is not true totally but for me to just put it on my finger and look at it is difficult to understand what my WW was thinking when we got married. My wedding ring is a trigger that causes me to wonder what really was going on when we got married. That makes it difficult to wear.

I tried to see your profile to understand how long it has been from DDay for you. If you are only a few months into this process it may be way too soon for your BH to deal with the wedding ring issue. For me, I hope to wear some sort of ring in the future. I don't think I would want to wear my original wedding ring again ever. It is going to take time no matter what your BH wants to do in the long run.

Throwing your wedding ring in the trash is not going to speed up this process for him likely. My WW wears hers and if she didn't it, it would be a problem for me. My WW is working to gain back my trust again and her taking it off would be moving in the wrong direction. I get it - it is a double standard. I don't wear mine but expect her to wear hers - I don't see a problem with this double standard given the circumstances.

It is a process and I think you are going to have to be patient with it. The breaking of the wedding vows while you are getting married makes the rings especially difficult and likely causes more time to deal with it from a BS perspective.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

BH here. I also can relate to the way your husband feels about his ring. Mine came off on DDAY and I put it on a few times after and it didn't feel right. I ended up throwing it away and will never wear another one so long as I'm married to my wife. I know it hurts her but it hurts me to even thinks about wearing it so I won't and don't.

To me and to most the giver is giving it as a sign of fidelity and once fidelity is broken there is no going back. Not saying you cannot reconcile and have a good life but you can't unring a bell.

Your husband may have been acting a bit tough and macho about marriage and relationships in the beginning but it obviously did mean something to him since he married you.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
ďYet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a swordĒ

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

My rings went to the pawn shop after XH started fucking my former BFF.

He, for whatever reason, still has his. I was shocked to find this out. He carries it around in his backpack. I had assumed he had thrown it out; he never wore it again after D-day.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 5:23 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
lionheart
New Member
Member # 15851
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, April 11th (Friday)

Seven years of long and hard reconciliation and I still do not wear my wedding band. I know it hurt my wife when I took it off so long ago, however she has never said a word about it since. There have been many times when I was ready to wear a new band but what I really wanted was for my wife to express an interest to do something very special with a new band. I want a very special feeling to be associated with a new band. We are in such a much better place due to the healing of time and lots of very hard effort. But as far as her desire to see me wear a wedding ring again.......crickets.

Saddens me to think about this.


Lionheart (BS) 53 now
Her (WW) 49 now
2 Wonderful Kids
DDay 2/10/2007
Trying very hard to R

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2007
fst86411
Member
Member # 41644
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, April 11th (Friday)

I am with lionheart on this on. I will never wear my original wedding band and I told her that. I would welcome a new one, although not right now. I also want this to be her idea not mine. I don't think she has any idea at all. Before you tell me that I need to let her know, I did when I took it off. It's in her court now.


Met 1997
Married 2002
D-Day July 8, 2012

Who knows what went on?


Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 11th (Friday)

BS here -

I still wear my band. Not because it has the meaning it once did, but because I'm married, and this is how I tell the world I'm not available. I understand what your H is feeling. I'm not certain if you do or not, but I hope some of the responses here have helped you understand his thought process a bit better. That is, after all, why you're asking, right?

I thought a bit about your post before responding. This next part I say gently, and not as an attack or a criticism of anything you wrote, but as a BS that has a different viewpoint. I hope what I write helps you understand your BH's feelings a bit more. Again - no attacks or judgments here. If you don't find this post helpful, please just ignore it.

You made a comment about thinking your H is still 'settling'. I can assure you, that's not the case. It's not often I speak for more than myself, but I understand how hard it is for a BS to try to reconcile. If the WS was just someone we 'settled' for, we'd never do it. It's too hard, too painful, too overwhelming. If he's willing to R, it's because he loves you and he wants his life to include you, not because he's settling.

Also, much of your post discussed pre-A issues, your own internal conflicts, etc. Gently, right now you need to forget about those things. If R is successful, there will come a point where these things can and should be addressed, so please don't think I'm saying 'too bad, you screwed up so you don't get to ever have any issues or concerns.' I'm not saying that at all. Right now, however, it's very important that you focus on your BH's pain and how to make him feel safe. I may be very wrong here, but it seems like you may be falling back on these pre-A issues as a self defense mechanism. As the pain that the A caused, and the damage as well, comes into view, it's easy to pull back and focus on your pain, not pain that your A caused. We all do this when we feel too much shame about any action we may feel shame about. This isn't just something a WS does. Doing so allows a person to feel less guilt and shame because it's a method of justification, even if we try hard to say that's now what we're doing. I may be wrong here, but maybe give this some thought. If that is happening, it can cause real problems for R.

You did let us know that after your H read his letter detailing what the rings meant pre and post DDay, you threw your own band into the garbage. I think that was what another poster was referring to when theatrics were mentioned. I don't know if it was theatrics, but I do think this type of action should be curbed. As a BS, when my WS used to lash out or act out when I shared my pain and my viewpoints, I always saw it as him not being interested in hearing or understanding my pain. It would hurt, and it also really hindered our R. I needed to know that he cared about my hurt, and that he 'understood'. When he would get angry that I was upset, all I saw was that his interest was in not having to be 'bothered' by my heartache.

Now, years out, he freely admits that it was him not wanting to face the damage that had been done to our relationship. He wanted his 'old' marriage back, where his wife saw him as honest, trustworthy, and never thought about leaving. He didn't want the new relationship, where his wife was untrusting, insecure, all over the map emotionally, and no longer considered her marriage 'special'. Any time it was shown how deep the damage was, and how much pain was there, he would throw up a wall and act as if he was just tired and hurt himself and all the rest. He did stop that, many months after DDay. That's when things improved, because that's when I started to feel like my pain did matter, and that he did regret his actions. Until then, it just seemed like the entire thing was just a huge pain in the ass for him, which made me feel like he just didn't really care all that much about how horrible I felt.

This is my situation, but when I read about you throwing your ring in the trash, it reminded me of this type of behavior from my own fWS. I could be very off base on this as well, but again, it may be something to think about.

WL, I sincerely hope I've not upset or offended you. Again, I'm not judging you - except possibly in a positive way for making the effort to R, posting here, being open, etc. It's not easy, but here you are. I've said all of this only hoping that you may find some of it helpful and maybe see a little more of what your BH may be feeling. I'm not him, so I can't speak for him, but I've seen other BSs state similar feelings that I've written about here when things happen in their own R that are similar, so there is a possibility that some of this rings true with your BH.

WL, whatever you gain or don't gain from my post, I really do wish you and your H success in R. It's not easy, but it can be worth the effort.

Cheers!


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Wayflost
Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, April 14th (Monday)

ReunitePangea

I agree that the ring I gave him is too much of a trigger. I was watching it happen when he looked at the ring he gave me. I stopped wearing that ring, and never threw that one in the trash. Although I will admit in the first few days after revelation I tried to give it back to him. Not my best moment, although in light of everything else it isn't my worst either.

We are 5 months and a couple weeks out from Dday.

Uhtread

You are right. Marriage was (and still is) very very important to my BH. His parents were divorced when he was a tiny child. When we had an honest conversation about it once he told me he only wanted to get married once. Now he's reconsidering that stance.

heartbroken0903

From what you wrote it sounds as though you feel quite a bit of pain still. I'm very sorry about your WS and xBFF. I hope you got a good price for your ring.

My BH's ring wouldn't net much, unfortunately. I bought him something heavy, thick, and sturdy. It was simple, elegant, and him. It was how I saw him, clean lines, classic handsome appearance.

lionheart

Did/does your WW know how you feel about it? The language my BH used was so... certain. I'll likely be waiting for hime to tell me when he's ready, if ever for a new one. It's one of the difficulties I keep running up against as the WS. I'm supposed to lead, but not push. I'm supposed to follow from in front. It's confusing, and complicated, and I'm terrible at it.

fst86411

At least you put the ball in her court. I'm told my BH has given me the ball for many things, only mine appear to be invisible. The definite language used was never, not a new one some day.

PainfulPast

Thank you. I can't write more of a response right now. I've been trying for days to respond. But your post really touches me. Today is a bad day for me, and I really needed to express my gratitude. So thank you for your considered and careful response. I appreciate it more than you can ever know.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 424 | Registered: Dec 2013
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Wayoflost,

To clarify, I was the WS. XH said he wanted to D but still try to R, which I was on board with, but then changed his mind after he hooked up with xBFF while our D was pending. I don't begrudge his having sex with someone else---that'd make me a hypocrite---I just had/have a major problem with WHO. Sorry for the confusion; I didn't intend to misrepresent as a BS.

end T/J


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Miles2go
Member
Member # 9325
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

My wife had her two affairs in 1980 and 1981 .

I haven't worn a ring since.

I NEVER will !

She wears hers . I could NOT care less .


"The woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep,"

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: USA
Emptyshelldad
Member
Member # 32292
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I crushed mine in a vise until it was mangled and unrcognizable. As was my heart. The ring for me was a symbol of my heart, so it seemed very fitting. I kept the ring, and ID have it melted down and formed a new if we were to reconcile.......but honestly I don't know if I can reconcile with her.


Me: BH - 28, Her: WW - 31, 10 years, 5 months, 6 days.
2 beautiful daughters. 1 devious, deceitful, serpant-like liar of a wife.
"oh god this has brought a path of destruction and scorching pain leaving in its wake a charred wasteland of a onc

Posts: 149 | Registered: May 2011 | From: emptyshelldad
lionheart
New Member
Member # 15851
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Wayflost: My WW does not know how I feel about it, because like most other things regarding her affairs, she just doesn't really think about it or care to ask. If she were to just show how much she cares by asking then I would have a very honest and frank discussion with her. I really wish she would lead and take a far greater action-based role in reconciliation but she never has. I have had to show a great deal of resolve and patience which is painful in of itself.

Why doesn't she care enough to ask?


Lionheart (BS) 53 now
Her (WW) 49 now
2 Wonderful Kids
DDay 2/10/2007
Trying very hard to R

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2007
Actionsoverwords
Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Just wanted to chime in again on this thread. Earlier, I had mentioned that I still wore mine because I believed that my wife and I are still married and as long as there is a chance, it will stay on my finger.

I was reminded by BW of why that was disordered thinking and that seeing me wear wedding jewelry was a trigger for her. She had asked me a number of times to not wear the wedding band, but I ignored her feelings and chose to wear it anyway. My rationale was that I've lost my marriage already and I am hurting. Why would you take this away from me? I know that it is selfishness talking, but I can't help but to feel that way.

My BW has not worn a wedding band (except occasionally) since 2008 and I don't blame her. I have always been proud to be her husband and wanted everyone to know that I was taken, but the addict in me chose to turn that into a manipulative tactic to prey on women. Thinking about everything I just wrote and I just want to kick myself in the ass. Why don't I ever see how destructive and selfish I am when I am in the middle of being a jerk?


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 272 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 32