SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Breaking my give a damn
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

I've read that some of you have broken your 'give a damn'...

And I'd love to know how you did it.

NC (kind of) works.. but we have young kids so I have* to speak with him with regards to visitation.

I did a full 2 weeks of NC and that worked so well... but then it started, with him wanting 'to be friends'. From his actions, I think he means I be friendly while he treats me like shit.

So...any clues on what can help me break my 'give a damn'?


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Leia
Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry, I don't have anything to offer here. In my case, you just have to be tough, see him for the rat he is, and that helps. Hang in there and I'm sure that someone will be along with better advice.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
renee21
Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Mine is mostly broken, and his fuckery on astronomical levels is what did it. I still love the man I married but im able to look at him now and understand he's gone.

I just had that moment when I was ok with divorcing him. it's not what I wanted but I knew it was time. His blatant disregard for our kids feelings and seeing their devastation has made it easier to not give a damn about him. When I have a moment when I waiver, I remind myself that he didn't love us enough to stay away from gutter pig, and I remind myself of the fact he threw away our family for complete trash. That helps too.


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

I agree with renee. My Damn has faded away and is being replacec by giving a damn about me and ghe kids. Its oart if the process. Remember being friends and being friendly r very different. I just dont have friends that treat me this way.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

NC allows you to discuss matters related to the business of divorce and important things like children.

So I treat ex-w as an unpleasant business associate I must deal with to get important things done. It's all and only business - no emotion, no ego - results are all I'm after.

In breaking your give-a-damn, make sure you disable only the part that deals with him. That's not as easy as it may seem.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

I don't speak to mine regarding visitation. Why do you have to?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9664 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Bleah. I hear you. I don't care about him, but I do care when he tries to insert himself back into my life under the guise of being a caring, involved parent. His hypocrisy chafes against me like a bad wool sweater. I can't wait for the day when I'm fully able to ignore it.

(((Sadmumma)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Oct 2011
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

I treat ex-w as an unpleasant business associate I must deal with to get important things done. It's all and only business - no emotion, no ego - results are all I'm after.

This.

I don't speak to mine regarding visitation. Why do you have to?

Yes!! I kept (and still keep) 99.9% of my communication with ex to emails and texts. It was VERY rare that I had to speak with him (actual voice calls or in person). Texts/emails also give you a paper trail.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6442 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

You want to break the "give a damn"? You can break it by using the same thing that may make you give a damn in the first place. You have 6 of them around you. Their hearts are just as broken as yours. Look at them. That''s how you break it.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2078 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much all for your insights. I am only texting with regard to visitation... avoiding the phone. Visitation is in my home (he is still homeless), I wont allow visits at OW house. The youngest is only 13 weeks, still nursing so I cant go out for extended periods while he visits.

And yes, to say I'm disappointed by his lack of care re the children is an understatement. Miss 13 was self harming as a direct plea for his attention. I told him about this, thinking it would appeal to his sense of decency. sadly, I was wrong. It appears the man I fell in love with is really gone..if he were really there at all. I've come to notice over the years that he really only does things is there is a direct benefit for him. I'm sure that once OW is in the picture he will become "Disney dad" Not my concern.. I am more concerned with how I can enrich my girls lives, in spite of the hand we've been dealt.


You can break it by using the same thing that may make you give a damn in the first place. You have 6 of them around you. Their hearts are just as broken as yours. Look at them. That's how you break it.

That made me cry.. Its just so true..... I think I'm resigning myself to the fact that there are no "why's"... its just not answerable.. Time to invest less energy in that and more in the future, and the awesome life I can build with my girls.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

((((((Sadmumma and girls)))))

They are lucky to have you honey. I'm sure you will build lots of amazing memories together in your new life.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 11