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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: had to endure the first mantrum
Leia
Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

So, I gave the slip to STBXWH. Details aren't important--just that I didn't talk to him after we attended something together with the kids.

He then stopped by to get the dog--we celebrated too soon (legally, he has the dog if he has the kids--bastard)-- and started saying all this shit to me. I don't remember most of it but after the 3rd time of asking me why, I told him it was because he cheated--and locked up my car. I also said I may have been the worst wife in the world, but I didn't cheat. What sticks out in my mind was when he said: "I wish you had cheated because that would have been so much easier. I haven't had a supportive wife for the last 6 years." Really? I was so bad that he didn't have the balls to divorce me??? That we made plans and were supposed to be building our dream house right now??? I shared everything with him and I'm a bad wife???

If anyone has any thoughts on his statement, I'd appreciate it. That one is tripping me up. Surprisingly, I'm ok alone. I do miss the dog, but she'll be back. I'm mildly upset, but not on the ledge. I've emailed my non-communicative attorney, so hopefully, this will get a response out of her.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Sounds like re-writing marital history to me.

Along with blame shifting and general ass-hattery.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1818 | Registered: Aug 2013
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Typical blah blah bullshit. He is trying to make himself look better by making it all your fault.

Whatever. FTG.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3535 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

He's blameshifting you. You gave him the slip and he's upset? Too bad. Sorry bout the dog. That was your biggest loss tonight

Posts: 542 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)

My thoughts are that he is a baby who only knows how to feel sorry for himself and has no idea what the fuck REALITY looks like, not if that dog of yours bit him in the ass with it!!!!!!!!!

My other thought is F. T. G. For real.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

What a loser. Sorry but he didn't say anything "special" ~ he is going by the WS book of rewriting marital history and blame shifting and some passive aggressive bullshit too! Unless you had a gun to his head and forced him to stay married to you for the past 6 years, then he is blowing smoke up your ass.

I'm sure it hurt to hear and you did the right thing by swinging it past us for feedback.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2138 | Registered: Oct 2012
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

BTW, if you didn''t know already, he''s admitting that he''s been cheating in some way for 6 years.

The Arse said in MC that he hadn''t been happy since around ds6 was born...which coincides with when he started obvious EA''s

Seems to me that WS often decide they''re not happy once they get into infidelity and then tell themselves they must have been unhappy and we must be awful spouses. They may indeed have been unhappy, but there were other things they could have done...or they may have become truly unhappy because of their own behaviour and guilt/sublimated disgust at themselves.

I find it hard to believe, however that most BS suddenly become horrible overnight at that very point. It would seem more likely that the WS project how they feel about themselves onto us, and especially their self criticism/hatred - so they look for anything that fulfils their new view of us, and then use that to justify their infidelity.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 836 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Yep - our M issues manifested when I was first pregnant. Coincidentally right when he hired OWUmpteen. She wasn't the first - she was just the first that was around him 24/7.

Yet I am the one that changed - nothing like your husband detaching from you to make you start 'changing'.

Same bullshit they all pull. Nothing to see here. He'll never 'get' it and you'll drive yourself crazy trying.

FTG. He knows what he is and he knows you know it too.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
RedWheelBarrow
Member
Member # 38966
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

All the shit they say to justify destroying their families pisses me off.
Whiny bastards.
Eye roll to him.


Me: BW 50
Him:Rockstar late 50's
DS: 10 , so precious.
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger than him, left her BH for my prize beast.
He moved in with her April,2013.
D Filed 4/

Posts: 104 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Leia

I'm confused. Why did you need to email your attorney about this?

Also when you say "I may have been the worst wife in the world" are you just using that as a figure of speech or do you feel that way?

I don't understand the consensus on this board that EVERY cheating spouse has so many options including just getting a divorce like it's some easy and great thing. The way so many BS's try for reconciliation again and again I think nobody wants a divorce. Yet I'm constantly reading "if he was so unhappy he could have divorced me"

I have to go against the grain here. That's not realistic


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Why do you have to endure this ? There is a great remedy for the complimentary WS tantrum, its called NC. I suggest you use it.........


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5590 | Registered: Nov 2007
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

? What isn't realistic? That they'd try to work on the M if there are issues then if that doesn't work proceed to divorce?

You're right - that isn't realistic when you're dealing with Wayward thinking that thy can have their cake and eat it too. That their 'feelings' mean they can set an atom bomb in their spouses and children's lives. That they have a right to expose their trusting spouse and children to STDs. And allow the other traumas of infidelity bestowed upon a usually unsuspecting BS.

Divorce doesn't seem like such a hard option. It is easier because it presents a BS with a terrible situation. A coward will always take the 'easier' option. But I disagree that D isn't realistic.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Same as everyone above. Who cares what he says....everthings a lie.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Leia
Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

absolute--
A little background. My dad died in '06, and since he was an only child I became a caregiver to my grandma--from afar. This included trips to a different city, lots of time on the phone and internet figuring out her situation, making sure she was cared for, etc. His argument is that I died when Grandma died. I don't know if this is true, but I lost my "job" of caring for her. At the exact time we shut down a company that we had ran together. I did the books (but could never do them well enough). So, I lost my second "job." I have trouble with housework, and am a clutterbug. So yeah, I was in a tailspin for a while. Those are part of the M problems that I have to own. Was I there to care for his narcissistic ass? Not all the time. And frankly, I got tired of taking care of him. I don't know how much clearer I could have been with "I'm burned out, please help me clean." Anyway, I wasn't there to see to his every need. We still ha a great sex life. I was still cooking, and I still took care of the kids. Laundry slipped, and well, things just got out of control.

Today, I'm in IC. My therapist has helped me see what a bully he really is. I do have boundary issues. After 14 years of this assclown, I have trouble drawing lines in the sand and breaking these habits.

As for how long I've had my "issues," Last week, it was two years, this week it is six years. The sticking point for me is the car. Straw that broke this camel's back. Anyway, I have the kids tonight and yes, I'm going to use his travel schedule as leverage.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

A little background. My dad died in '06, and since he was an only child I became a caregiver to my grandma--from afar. This included trips to a different city, lots of time on the phone and internet figuring out her situation, making sure she was cared for, etc. His argument is that I died when Grandma died. I don't know if this is true, but I lost my "job" of caring for her. At the exact time we shut down a company that we had ran together. I did the books (but could never do them well enough). So, I lost my second "job." I have trouble with housework, and am a clutterbug. So yeah, I was in a tailspin for a while. Those are part of the M problems that I have to own. Was I there to care for his narcissistic ass? Not all the time. And frankly, I got tired of taking care of him. I don't know how much clearer I could have been with "I'm burned out, please help me clean." Anyway, I wasn't there to see to his every need. We still ha a great sex life. I was still cooking, and I still took care of the kids. Laundry slipped, and well, things just got out of control.
Just in case you are wondering which you shouldn't be, your WH seems to have "head up his assitis". While not a terminal condition, in some cases there is no cure. IMO, the things you mentioned aren't M problems. Those are life problems that your spouse is supposed to step up and help out with. If the siutation were reversed you would step up and help him out. After reading above, coupled with his "I haven't had supportive wife statement", your husband absolutely doesn't get it and has selfish wrtiten all over him. The me, me, me attitude is so telling for an unremoresful WS. He should have been there supoorting you through all of that. That was his job. Marriage isn't fun and games all the time. When the tough times hit your spouse is supposed to support you not run off with a third party. He failed miserably at that and essentially abandoned you in your time of need and now wants to remember it differently. Please ignore you WH going forward. He likely won't be able to see beyond himself for a very long time if ever. Treat his mantrums just like you would a child tantrums. Ignore them and eventually they look up and realize no one is listening or paying attention to them and move on.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1876 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Leia

I too have a very hard time keeping my home clean but I am doing a lot better without XH around. Plus I see someone for my ADD now. But that's me.

My question wasn't totally based on you, I have read posts on here (more than one) where one partner was abusive and then the other cheated and there is this "well no matter what you did, you can't cause someone to do anything" which I think is total bs because I don't think abusive relationships count as real relationships in the first place.

But that has nothing to do with you. I don't have kids, and I come from such a crazy background that I simply won't take care for my parents when they're sick or dying etc. I don't know how you balance all that out. It sounds like you didn't have enough support.

Best wishes, maybe it will be easier on your own, as odd as that sounds.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Leia
Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

7yrs--
Thanks for your words. I can see that now.

Absolute--
Dealing with Grandma was its own special kind of experience/hell. Today, she would be diagnosed OCD. She was an incredibly intelligent woman, taught me many things, but she wasn't a warm and caring grandma. When you're going through it, it is one thing at a time. It is also like the frog in boiling water analogy. The water temp rises so slowly that the frog doesn't know it is in danger. Things got really bad when I had to take her meds away from her possession because she had been mixing them. Then I had to take her money away because she could no longer see or hear and the whole internet thing befuddled her. There was also a revolving door of people I didn't trust at her assisted living facility, and I was afraid someone would get access to her finances or steal her identity. She was pretty mad when I did that as well. While Grandma wasn't warm and fuzzy, she showed up to every band and choir concert that I was in. When I got my driver's license, she would let me drive her Buick--with her in it. That is the upside of Grandma, but there was a dark side, too. I have no regrets on my decisions about her care. The point of all of this is that I respect your decision to not care for aging relatives. Just make sure that you don't have regrets at the end. This is the advice that I give IRL people who have the same situation. Like deciding to R or D, there is no right answer, and it all depends on your situation.

Now that I've t/j my own thread--I'm just going to let my L handle the big stuff in the D. Really, it is just stuff. What I really want is my kids at least 50% of the time, some equity to get on my feet out of some things, and honestly, just away from him. I read and reflect on my own tagline. Just need to get my bearings and a foot in the door somewhere. Have already started trying to create my own New Beginning, and honestly, that just makes me happy.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Topic Posts: 17