SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: Ended a budding relationship last night
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Helpless  Posted: 11:14 AM, April 12th (Saturday)

Been seeing a wonderful man for the last few weeks. Great chemistry, fun, definitely going somewhere or so we both thought. Last night we were in bed and having that discussion - where the relationship was going. We were clearing about to do the whole "let's be exclusive" thing... then it came out that he didn't want to have children, ever. He's younger, only 28, he may change his mind... hell, I suspect he will (gut thought). However, I'm 35. I want the option - I'm not sure if I will have a child, but I am not ready to take it off the table. I also know that it's not fair or healthy for me to try to force that decision on him.

So, we quickly went from "this is going to the next level" to fully ending the relationship. I'm really bummed... but I know I'll be okay. I also know that I'm not nearly as upset as I would be had we been dating a few months or more. Right decision, but it fucking sucks.

**Sigh**


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 12th (Saturday)

Good for you to know what decision is best for you and your future.

(((hurtbs))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 12th (Saturday)

(((hurtbs)))

That would hurt. But it is great that you know what you want! And are willing to walk away from something that will not allow that to happen. And the fact that you aren't trying to change his mind is a good thing too.

I look at it as a short term hurt vs a long time hurt.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 723 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, April 12th (Saturday)

@Must Survive

Yeah, tha'ts how I look at it as well. Having children is a huge thing - it's a decision you can't undo. It's not fair to force that on him. At the same time, I know it's not an option I'm ready to give up. Right now, we're in that "everything is amazing and awesome" stage - this is something that can readily build deep and painful resentment.

When he left he told me that maybe he needed to reassess how he felt about this. I told him that wasn't a bad idea, but that he does need to make the decision about it separate from me. I wasn't closing the door on him, but at the same time neither of us should put our lives on hold. That wasn't fair.

Today is netflix binging, gym, grocery shopping... then maybe some wine. Sucks, but the right thing.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

I wish that my ex had been honest with me when we had that conversation while dating. Since he did NOT want children, ever, but lied to me and said he did, I made a serious mistake that I'll never fully get over.

I'm sorry for your hurt, but you truly dodged a horrible bullet. The sorrow of bringing children into the world with a man who doesn't want them is never-ending.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

(((hurtbs)))


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3099 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

So, Update: He called me today and told me that he hadn't slept all night and had been go over and over our conversation. He said that the "no children" thing had largely been a response to the women he dated in the past that he felt didn't recognize the significance of children (the "That's just what you do" attitude) and the fact that he didn't want to give up his young/singe lifestyle that a family relationship would require. At the same time, as he is getting older and wants something more serious he realizes that he needs to realign his objectives and goals. He also told me that it struck him that when he told me his thoughts, I didn't judge him or try to change his mind - that I was empathetic to his wishes and didn't try to guilt him/change his mind or ignore them. He asked if we could could talk about it. He's going to come over for dinner tomorrow night.

On the one hand, I'm very concerned that he is looking at this as a way to keep me. Yes, relationships are about compromise but children are a huge deal that supercede the relationship. I don't want him making a knee-jerk reaction to what happened between us. At the same time, this may be something that sparked him to re-examine his life and what he wants in the future (again, he's 28, not 35). In which case, this could be something.

Just FYI, here is what I want:
I want the option to have a small family, not the guarantee - you may have trouble conceiving or carrying to term or a myriad of other problems that prevent it from happening.
I realize that at my age I may not find a suitable partner "in time" but I'm not yet ready to give up on that.
I realize that having a child with someone is not a guarantee that person will remain in your life
I have considered going the "single mother by choice" route - but I don't quite feel that *drive* to reproduce.

So essentially, what I don't want is for that door to be closed before it must be.

So, let's see how this goes.

All in all, I'm going to discuss with him, hear him out, and trust my gut.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 8:57 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

Well, it sounds like you handled it perfectly. I don't see any harm in giving it a little more time if you both like each other. I wasn't sure I really wanted kids at 28, and it wasn't until my doctor said if I wanted kids I'd better really start thinking about it. When the doc pushed me was the first time I really had to decide that yes, I probably wanted children.

Just see how it goes.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

Kudos to you for being honest about what is important to you and not pressuring him into changing his goals to align with yours. I, too, hope he's not just trying to hang onto a good thing with the 'reviewing goals' thing. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.... good luck!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

Perfectly handled. I was about to go off on a tangent but realised I'd be threadjacking so just want to say good luck tomorrow, I really respect the way you honestly and maturaly dealt with this.

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Update - he came over for dinner and told me that he had been thinking about the whole situation and that it had given him a kick to examine his reasoning and what being committed looked like. He also said that he spoke to his friends (one of whom has a GF expecting a child and is a step-father) and his sister (who had an unplanned child) to get their input. He wants to see where this is going and he says that he is open to having a family. I asked him if he realized that being with me, that means things are a litle more on fast-forward. If things are going well a year from now then we will likely be having the "kids" conversation then. He said that he understands.

Of course saying you feel a certain way right now doesn't guarantee that is how you will feel once the relationship develops. However, my gut is telling me that this isn't a "I want to keep nailing this girl os I'm going to tell her what she wants to hear" but rather a man who has hit a key moment in his life and had to make some grown up decisions.

So... giving it some more time. We're in an exclusive relationship. We're having fun. He treats me well.

PS: Only one of his friend's told him not to do it. His reasoning? "Dude, she's 35. What's going to happen in a couple of years when she gets ugly?" His response (and his other friends' response) "What the fuck? Don't be an asshole!" That's another positive...

[This message edited by hurtbs at 7:53 PM, April 14th (Monday)]


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, April 14th (Monday)

That sounds great. Good luck to you!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I'm 35, and I dated a 29 year old for a few weeks. But the kids thing is what ultimately made me kill it..

I need someone who wants to be a father now already to my 2 boys, so I think if I could choose and wanted to get serious, I would pick a man older than me and more settled..

I met one guy who was 43, never married, no kids, and was now wanting a family since he has focused on his career so much. He woulda been perfect (I got a few years left to give him a kid!), but he traveled far too much for his job..

I guess you can wait it out and see if he is serious, but if you guys end up breaking up after having a kid, would he make a good father to them? Doesn't really sound like it right now if he stills wants to "sow his oats.."

It's fine if he's not ready.. He could still be a great guy, just not a good match for you..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
getnbtr1
Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

So glad you guys were able to talk this through and are able to move forward now. This must have been painful and what a relief that you don't have to experience this break up and can see where things lead. Good luck.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I think this sounds like you communicated together and that it sounds as if it is going well. Happy for you.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

You made a smart, decisive, and healthy decision that will ultimately set you up to meeting the perfect match that DOES want to enjoy hearing the pitter patter of little feet with you!!! Fear not.... your prince awaits!!!!

Kudos to you for being strong and listening to your gut! Good luck! ((BIGHUGZ))


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2719 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Ready_to_run
Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I wouldn't count on him coming around. I'm guessing a part of the initial attraction to you was that you were older and therefore not as likely to want kids anymore.

I've seen this scenario played out a few times with other couples and eventually it turns into the woman feeling more like a mom than a GF and eventually realizing that dating a much younger man wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

My advice is to find a man more your age who is excited about the idea of having kids and starting a family. Good luck!


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Beware that this is wishy washy and a punt.

STBXWHNPDPAFTG did the same thing to me and basically stalled, stalled, then cheated, false R all the while my clock ticked.

Turns out his easy to get along with personna hid a massive passive aggressive method of tricking me into believing he wasn't opposed to kids. He never wanted kids, but he was afraid of revealing the truth.

I'm too old to have kids now.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1126 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 18