Wayward Side
User Topic: Worst weekend ever part II (ran into AP and his BW)
Member # 36853
Frustrated  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

Part II
We have been kind of tip toeing around each other today. We haven't discussed last night. I am still trying to process and figure it out… Anywho…we went to the local hardware store and I was in lawn & garden section picking out some pots for a bunch of plants that I want to grow in containers. I had them picked out and was looking for a cart to take them to the check out when I notice the AP's BW a few aisles over. My phone rings and it's BH telling me he has seen her and isn't coming in. I leave everything there and start walking out of the store and as I'm heading for the doors in walks the AP with their child. I go around behind some merchandise so I don't have to walk directly past the AP to leave.

When I get to the car BH is of course seething. He asks if AP was in there and I tell him. He seethes some more. We start to leave and then he decides he wants to see what vehicle they are driving so we pull around the parking lot and I show him the same vehicle AP was driving during the A.

We leave and go to the superstore for things for dinner. BH receives the following text from the BW's phone and texts are exchanged as follows:

BW: Didn't know you could move so fast.

Me on BH's phone: This is (BH)'s phone. If this is (AP's BW) I'm very sorry you had to see me. I will always leave if possible if I run into you in public. I have no desire to cause you anymore pain than I already have. Please don't text (BH). Thus far he has said or done nothing to the one who helped me destroy his world but he would very much like to. And if this is not (BW), (BH) is using the utmost restraint.

BW: Whatever
BW: Utmost restraint is not beating the hell out of you every time I have to see your ugly face.

BH takes the phone and replies: (BW), this is (BH), I have done everything I can to maintain no contact with you and your family. I did not start this interaction and I don't wish to continue it. Please do not force me to take legal measure to enforce no contact. I know you are just as angry as I am but I haven't taken my anger out on you so please don't take yours out on me. Thank you.

BW: Then I will just text your bitch.

BH: Let me be clear. Any further contact from you to any member of my family will be considered harassment and legal action will be taken. I prefer not to bring further drama into my life. I have done nothing to deserve this. My wife is committed to leaving you in peace as much as possible (I know her existence is offensive to you believe me). I will not tolerate more drama being forced on me.

BW: Yeah

During this time we buy a few things at the superstore. We don't go to the lawn and garden center to get containers because BH wants to leave the store before they decide to show up here too. BH says he feels he is in danger of losing his cool if he is forced to look at the AP again. So we check out and are walking out of the store and they are walking in. BH tells me to turn around and go out the other exit before I notice them, then I see them too. So we are running from the AP and his pissed off BW twice today. I am upset and nauseated. BH is in a state. He says he feels we have let them "piss all over everything." I tell him we will handle things however he wants to. BH goes back in the store to buy drinks and we are walking into an area where AP and his BW are. BH stares the AP down and AP turn his cart and heads down an isle. We check out and go home….

I really want to move away from here.

In the car BH was angry and ranting about why does he have to be in these situations? It reminds him of high school.

I'm helpless. There's nothing I can do to undo what I've done.

I ask him what can I do to help. He says, "Shoot him in the head. Or cease to exist." Neither of those is an option...

I am back to wishing I could cease to exist….

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1455 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

(((both of you)))

I can't find a damn thing that I would have done different. OK, it sucks. I'm sure Knight is having a hard time, because I know I would be. When the stone hits the pond, it makes a splash. Eventually, it's just ripples tickling the shore. Be strong.

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

Oh no! Just read your other post jeesh, what a crappy weekend, and what a horrific situation! My heart just aches for you both right now. I think you both handled it beautifully though. ((Kbff & knight))

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 6:14 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]

Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. Many ddays, last one late 8/12 "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos

Posts: 509 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
New Member
Member # 43072
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

So sorry about this weekend. It sounded like you handled the encounters as best as you could. I too am always on alert when I go out and worried about running into them. I wish I could move away.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 12th (Saturday)


Why would she feel the need to text you? Seems like she''s spoiling for a fight. You didn''t give her one, and that pissed her off even more. Your husband has your back, and God knows what OBS is dealing with in their M. As we''ve often seen on SI, it''s common for a BS (especially in early days) to direct her anger at the AP, instead of where it (mostly) belongs, at her own spouse. But over a year and a half out and she''s still directing this much vitriol toward you? Hmm. Could she be this threatened by your presence because there''s trouble in paradise?

Not that we care what''s going on in their lives. Until, I guess, it seeps into ours, as in this case.

Your (both) responses were way more brilliant than anything I could''ve come up with spontaneously, BTW. Well done.

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1201 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
New Member
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

I m sorry you went through this. The BW in my situation was very hostile towards me and placed the entire blame on me. In fact she accused me of taken advantage. I developed social anxiety and stopped going out. Until my husband pushed me to. And he told me that if she confronted me in any negative way he would step in and tell her to work on her own marriage and leave us alone. As it was I think my husband remaining civil to her husband and her diffused a lot of anger and when we cross paths now she is civil and almost friendly.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

I'm so very sorry. My heart hurts for both you and knight. Sending you both strength and comfort. (((((hugs)))))

You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams

Posts: 25532 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, April 13th (Sunday)

Thankfully she stopped after that last, "yeah". As sick and shaky as I felt I can't imagine how awful it has been for knight.

Later in the evening he said, "there was no remorse."

Me: "what???"

Knight: "I looked in his eyes and there was no remorse. Smugness. He was smug and maybe sorry he was caught. But no remorse."

How horrible to be hurt so terribly by someone and feel they don't give a damn. I wish I could find a way to give knight everything he needs to process this toxic mess I've dumped him in and heal his heart and soul.

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1455 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, April 13th (Sunday)


How horrible. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that.

I think you both handled the situation very well. I hope the OBS will not be contacting either of you again.

Sending good thoughts. I wish the two of you the very best. You're fine people.

Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Posts: 7819 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, April 13th (Sunday)

I am back to wishing I could cease to exist…

Honey no. You don't want that, and Knight doesn't either. I have not had to run into AP, but I'm sure that would be a one way ticket to triggertown for both Crazz and I and the result wouldn't be pretty.

This WAS an awful weekend. You guys need to talk about it. Obviously there were unresolved feelings from the other interaction, and stuff like that acts like kindling for the next big spark.

Take a deep breath. Your face is NOT ugly, and your existence is important to many. Breath breathe breathe. This isn't the end - it's a dip. They come and they go. Some are more painful than others. Try to reach out and have a mutually compassionate talk with knight. We're rooting for you both.

(((knightsbff & knight)))

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17571 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, April 13th (Sunday)

Why not change ur phone numbers?

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 13th (Sunday)

agreed - change your phone number and consider moving.

And sure, your BS will feel better in a couple days but what about the resentment he has from being put in this position? What about the feeling of always looking around the corner to see if they're there, and not knowing how either of you will react? That's what I struggle with.

I'm glad you told her you'd leave if you saw her in public but she should have just let it die right there.


[This message edited by rachelc at 7:49 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Posts: 5070 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

I think you handled the situation as well as you could, you did what I would have done.

I would definitely change your mobile numbers. I changed mine and it's given us both peace of mind.

Is moving an option? We will be moving soon and it honestly can't come quick enough.

Me - 27
Him - 27

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Thanks to all of y'all again. This is so hard.

She sent another text reply today. It broke my heart. So humbling to continue to look the at pain I have caused others.

OBW: I want to apologize for yesterday. We have grown a lot through this situation as I know y'all have since you are still together. There are still two areas that I struggle with, one is coming face to face with (KBFF) and the other is having to sleep in the room they had sex in. God has done a mighty work in our lives but I still have a long way to go. I pray that God has also worked in your lives. Again, I apologize for yesterday and next time I will try to remain calm.

Knight: I understand completely. I'm not angry with you. I can't go to the high school, etc. without a lot of pain. I know you must be really hurting. God has worked in my life along with a lot of therapy. I still have a ways to go. I knew that running into y'all would be inevitable, we live in a small community. If there's anything I can do to help you let me know.

OBW: Thanks, you too. Keep praying for God to soften our hearts to his will.

That's all. It made me cry (again). The AP and I had intercourse 3x. In her bed, in his truck, and at the high school. She is still living in her bedroom (hopefully they burned the bed), she was riding around in that truck yesterday, luckily she has no reason to go anywhere near the HS but my DD15 now goes to school there so BH has to go there to watch her perform in plays, the band, her sports.... How could I have been anymore selfish and stupid?!

She actually used my name in her text without a curse word attached to it. I can't imagine what that must have cost her...

This stuff never goes away. Will we ever get strong enough to endure it well? All of it could have been avoided with a few strong boundaries and good choices instead of bad ones.... I could have been the difference in all of our lives. God help me to remember this always and forever...

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1455 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

(((hugs))) You''ve had a for-shit weekend for sure. You and knight are in my prayers.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

This is (BH)'s phone. If this is (AP's BW) I'm very sorry you had to see me. I will always leave if possible if I run into you in public. I have no desire to cause you anymore pain than I already have.

As a BS, this brought tears to my eyes. What I would not give to hear this from my FWH's OW.

I am sorry that you had to go through such a debacle at not only one store, but BOTH, but I feel your response speaks volumes.

I wish you well on your healing journey.

BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014


Posts: 2289 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Will we ever get strong enough to endure it well?

Yes. I strongly believe it. The fact that OBW was able to apologize is proof of this. Small steps for EVERYONE towards healing.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer someone else up. - Mark Twain

Posts: 17571 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

To those who said we should change our numbers. We definitely would if this had been a constant problem, but we have gone over a year and a half hearing nothing from the OBS and I'm sure my BH likes that she has the ability to contact him if there was a need (if NC was broken by me or AP). As for the AP, he has NEVER attempted to break NC.

So for now we won't change our numbers. I can't really fault OBW for firing off a text after running into me. I bet if we would have ignored the initial text it would have ended. Unfortunately BH was badly triggering and I engaged to prove to him that the text was from OBS and not the AP (I knew it wasn't).

As for moving, we would both like to move, but this is where we need to be for now. I dream of living somewhere foreign and far away from New York, or Montana...where it snows (and I HATE the cold).

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1455 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Thank you so much for the hugs, prayers, and good wishes. We both have really needed them. Knight had to go back to work on nights tonight and he definitely does NOT feel rested.

It's really good to think of the OBW experiencing healing too. My mind has a snapshot of her in agony on her d-day and the few weeks after. We had been in contact several times then and I was truly trying to help but was still very foggy so I was just a blundering hot mess of NOT helpfulness. I know it's for selfish reasons (guilt) but I pray for her to find peace, happiness, healing, to feel prized above all others by her husband, to know her value as a person, mother, wife, professional, woman, etc. these are the things I want for my BH and myself as well (the male versions for BH ).

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1455 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 36853
Helpless  Posted: 9:05 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

picking out some pots for a bunch of plants that I want to grow in containers.

BTW RIP plants waiting for pots on my back porch. I may try to resuscitate you but TBH my heart's not really in it....

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1455 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 14th (Monday)

What a shitty weekend of events.

I'm sorry for all involved that you had to go through that. I am impressed by how you handled OBS's texts...with dignity and grace.

Hugs and strength.

Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.

Posts: 2207 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Cheese and cracker woman, insane weekend.

I agree that you guys handled the OBS sitch as well as could be expected.

Be gentle on yourselves this week. I'm sure you will both be emotionally hungover for a couple to a few days.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?

Posts: 6265 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 22