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New Beginnings
User Topic: I have a lot to be thankful for but...
gotmylifeback
Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, April 14th (Monday)

So, ive been at my job which I love although the pay is not the greatest. I have no car payment and I have a very supportive network. I am in a relationship with an amazing woman and I truly do have a lot of things tonbe thankful for.

But, I still have to pay alimony for a couple of years longer. That alone is such a sore spot with me. It is a big chunk of my income and limits my housing options. Of course, I had a home but the ex stopped making the payments during her A. So, I lost that. No chance of getting another home while I have to pay alimony. Plus, I had to file bankruptcy because of the divorce.

I still have some triggers and there are times where I feel like I cant trust anyone; including SO. Sometimes my mind will just start thinking the worst possible scenario if I havent heard from her for a few hours.

I know that the ex's A had nothing to do with me. But I know that there are still things that I could have done differently to be a better husband. I still fight myself sometimes with the what if's. What if I had just given her more attention...

And I still struggle with knowing that I was duped, tricked, and lied to. My head knows that in many ways my life is so much better and happier now. But, my heart is just feeling heavy.

Anyone else ever go through moments like this. Its been 3 years since the last dday. Gosh, I just looked at the calendar and it will be exactly 3 years in a few weeks. Maybe thats what has me all out of whack this weekend. Sorry for the rambling. I just needed to vent and I know the SI peeps will understand.


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 597 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 14th (Monday)

I have heard from many here that the approach of anniversary dates bring up old wounds. And I can't imagine how vexing it would be to have alimony payments and financial troubles due to this betrayal, as if it weren't bad enough. But the alimony will pass. Your situation will improve financially. It's not fair, but it is what it is, and it is also temporary. You can rise above it, especially if you focus on your strength of character, your loving support network, all the things that you have to be thankful for in life.

The heart heaviness of being lied to is not an easy one. Know you are not alone in it, and know you were not duped because you are stupid or gullible but because you are kind and honest. Those are good, nay great, qualities; even if they hurt you once, be proud of them.

And please, please do not think 'what if'. You could not impact her selfishness by being 'better'. No amount of 'better' would have been enough.

It's ok to struggle sometimes. Just remember your user name and that it is true--you do have your life back now. Nothing can take that away from you. It is hard-won.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 14th (Monday)

I know that the ex's A had nothing to do with me. But I know that there are still things that I could have done differently to be a better husband. I still fight myself sometimes with the what if's. What if I had just given her more attention...

To be fair, what if "she" had talked to you first about the issues in the marriage instead of having the A. She would have gained a better you rather than lost that chance.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 519 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Anyone else ever go through moments like this. Its been 3 years since the last dday. Gosh, I just looked at the calendar and it will be exactly 3 years in a few weeks. Maybe thats what has me all out of whack this weekend.
It often sneaks up on me like that, too. Blue mood. Depression. Sadness. Feeling out of sorts. Then I look at the calendar and say, "Oh look, it is almost dday". My dday is in the fall, so sometimes fall activities like raking leaves etc. will set off a blue day too.

Be compassionate with yourself. This sh*t takes time.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
cdagal
Member
Member # 38154
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I too pay support to my WXH. It too is a big chunk of change that goes out of my chequing account each and every month. I live in a very modest apartment, have a 7 year old car, have foot the bill for my youngest's postsecondary costs, and cannot even fathom spending money on something I simply want. Nothing is fair about this. But to minimize it (kind of my version of financial NC) I treat it like a very big car payment. 5 years and it's done.
I'm halfway there!


M - 25 yrs
DDay - August 5, 2010
Divorced - December 12, 2011
He married the OW 35 days later
"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - Japanese proverb

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, April 14th (Monday)

cdagal, how come you have to keep paying if he remarried??


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17411 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, April 14th (Monday)

(gotmylifeback)

It will get better, this situation will pass.

Dont beat yourself up, nothing any of us did would have stopped the cheating.

They did it cause that's the kind of person they are. It didnt have anything to do with the kind of people we are.

Vent away, it will claer your mind and help to make you feel better.


Posts: 571 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
gotmylifeback
Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Thank you all for the supportive words. I have many friends that I could vent to, but I know that only the SI peeps will truly understand.

To be fair, what if "she" had talked to you first about the issues in the marriage instead of having the A. She would have gained a better you rather than lost that chance.

Turns out that the ex cheated in her relationships before we ever met. Of course, I didn't find out until we were divorced and her family filled me in on her past. I was not her first victim. She was never going to tell me or anyone else what she truly wanted or needed because she doesn't know. I believe she has borderline personality so, what she needs is serious therapy. No one will ever be able to fill the void she has. I actually feel bad for her in that sense.


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 597 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

So now the trick is to accept that there was no other possible outcome, and then stop renting her free headspace. Stop wishing she figures it all out. Accept it's beyond your control. And pivot to what is in your control...you.

I know it's hard. But, you have so many good things in your life, even despite this betrayal and the resulting unfairness of alimony. Please try to focus on them. You deserve it,

(((((Gotmylifeback))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 9