SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: I Cannot Believe I'm Here
soulshattered
New Member
Member # 43101
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 14th (Monday)

Well, here it goes. 4 April 2014! Worse day of my life. My WS is out of the country for work. Prior to that she had to take some training in another town. In hindsight that's when, for the first time, the password went on the phone. That's when emails to someone she was calling by a nickname began, but she told me it was just for work. Well, I got to read all of the emails they sent to each other. I got to see HER words to him about how much she loved him, how good he was, how lucky she was to have him, how she didn't want to hurt him. I got to see the pictures they took while they were on little mini-vacations together. I got to hear her talk about making love to him when for several years now I've been patiently waiting for her to come around physically, ever since the cancer treatment that I stood by her through. Then the lies began. It started as a friendship only. Then it only happened once. Then because I was so upset she wouldn't answer any more questions, if I wanted to know I could figure it out - so I did. I found it all out one disgusting layer at a time. She started sleeping with him almost immediately. It continued at XMas while we were worrying about her not being home at such an important time. It continued on a vacation that I helped her plan and one where I gave her (them) ideas of some wonderful things to explore. And so it went. Then she came home and told him how sorry she was for hurting him by being with me. When she got home though, back to reality, she couldn't continue so she called it off. And then a couple of days later I found out everything. So I had to leave the house. I had to rely on friends for support. I had to soul search and work through the first few days alone while she sat in our dream home and surrounded herself with comfort. And all through everything she did all of the textbook moves: blamed it on US instead of HER because the relationship wasn't perfect; lied; continued to hide phone numbers and facts; got angry at my questions; tried to control what I needed to begin healing, etc., etc. This woman is the absolute love of my life. We have been together for 21 years and until now no infidelity. We weren't perfect but we weren't so far broken as to be irreparable and now I don't know. Here's the kicker though, she has one month left outside the country and instead of giving that up she went back. She's there now and she needs some time to decide if SHE has the strength to rebuild. I may just be the biggest idiot on planet earth, but I do know one thing - it's a one-time chance for her. There will be NO third chances. I thought it would be cathartic to get this out but it really isn't. Who knows, maybe it will be at some point. Anyway that's the nutshell. The physical affair was horrendous but the words she spoke to him were far worse ...


BH - 53
DDay - 4/4/14
Together 21 years
Completely Devastated and Trying Hard

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: NS Canada
shatteredBroken
New Member
Member # 43102
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 14th (Monday)

I'm sorry to find you here. I hate the fact that I've found myself here as well.

I am so sorry you are starting on this journey through hell. But, know there are a bunch of us going through the same or similar things here.

Sometimes I find myself angrier for some of the stuff I read here, but sometimes I find a bit of hope and reassurance.

I discovered my wife's affair almost 2 months ago and it's still crushing and debilitating. But, it's better than those first weeks. Things do get better, although it might be in teeny tiny bits.

I can see our marriage becoming stronger, it's already improved in some ways. But, I am still recovering from the deep, deep wounds... and wonder if they will truly ever heal.

Best of luck, Brother. Hang in there.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2014
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 14th (Monday)

Please take care of yourself.

Drink water.

Eat. If you can't eat, try smoothies or Ensure.

Read in the Healing Library. There's a link in the yellow box at the upper left of your screen. Definitely read the BS FAQ's.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, April 14th (Monday)

I'm so sorry your here.

You need to see a lawyer ASAP.
Protect yourself.

You have one month to decide if your WW is worth the pain your going through. So far it's all about her. Now it needs to be about YOU.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 468 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Caretaker1
Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 14th (Monday)

What do you do when she and her family rub the new person in your face? I wish I had the chance for reconciliation but also realize she's not right. Unfortunately children are involved so It's hard to detach fully.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 14th (Monday)

You need to 180 her ass.

Be firm. See a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Then tell her you will not share your wife with OM. That while she is gone YOU are deciding if she is deserving of another chance. Then go "dark" on her..except kids and finances.

When she comes back, watch her actions. Her words don't mean shit..she'a liar.

Who is OM? Is he married? Does he have a GF? Have you investigated him yourself?

Im so sorry. Welcome to SI.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7431 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 14th (Monday)

((((soulshattered))))

You have been heard. Amazingly, the physical aspect is almost less painful than the emotional betrayal, though the mind movies are awful when they come. Know that everything you are feeling is normal.

Many of us feel we must give these people who have betrayed and hurt us so cruelly and consciously another chance. With time, as my fog has cleared, I have come to believe that this stems from a denial that our partner is not the same as we are. We know how strong our love is; we think therefore that they must just need to rediscover it. We know how much our relationship means to us; we can't imagine it should be thrown away, or could be. In a way it is a failure of our imagination. It comes out of having a good character, and integrity, and true love in our hearts. Sometimes unfortunately the people we are with lack those things, and we are just projecting them.

It will take time to tell if your WW has your same sterling qualities, or not. It will also take her seeing real consequences, instead of being met by compassion or selflessness on your part.

Since she has gone back, I presume to be with this OM, you should gather up your strength, and act in your own best interests by seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce. See if that wakes her up. Limbo is painful beyond measure. You sit in agony, while she enjoys her fling and has a little pity party over what to choose. When of course it should be a no-brainer! You are NOT anyone's second choice. You deserve far more than that. Show you won't accept less by getting serious about this, right now. It will save you from much unneeded pain.

[This message edited by norabird at 3:27 PM, April 14th (Monday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4172 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Daddo
Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I'm so sorry you are here - but, please, stay - you will get a lot of support and advice here.

No-one can understand the pain you are in unless they have walked in your shoes, we have, we get it.

What you do now and how you behave over the next days and weeks will have a profound impact on your life, on any chance of reconciling - if that is worth considering.

Start by reading the 180 rules - these are a valuable guide on how to act during this crisis. You can find them here: http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

In fact, read the whole BS FAQ

Realize that you have taken an extreme emotional blow - you are in crisis. You need help - a counselor, therapist - someone who understands and who you can talk to.

You cannot make plans for the rest of your life right now - don't try. Just get through each day, one day at a time.

The 180 rules will:

1. Show her you are serious
2. Help you regain your self-respect
3. Remind her of who you are - of the man she fell in love with. That is the man she needs to see - not the wounded and damaged man you are today. It will remind you of that guy too.
4. It will set boundries - ways you behave with someone worth trusting and loving vs ways you behave with a cheat

Take care of yourself - work out every day - you have all kinds of adrenalin running through you - keeping you up all night, giving you anxiety attacks, hurting like a physical pain in your chest. Work it off.

Keep reading and posting, we are here for you


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2468 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
soulshattered
New Member
Member # 43101
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, April 14th (Monday)

As far as I know the affair is over. She called it off just before I found out. He's not out of the country with her so that's not an issue. I was having a conversation with her today and she's insinuated that, and these are her words, "there's a third party here that we haven't discussed and I don't want to right now, but I have to deal with that as well." Now maybe I'm a damn fool but I assume she's referring to the SOB she cheated with. Am I missing something here? Why is that even an issue? If she's serious about reconciliation there will be no more inserting this individual into MY life. I don't think that's an unfair thing to expect. Any thoughts??


BH - 53
DDay - 4/4/14
Together 21 years
Completely Devastated and Trying Hard

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: NS Canada
soulshattered
New Member
Member # 43101
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 14th (Monday)

My bad, for all of you who responded to my post, thank you. Your words were very comforting. I'm ex military (32 years) and I've seen and done some stuff but nothing this hard. This is just devastating. I never thought that I'd ever need to use a forum like this to find my way but I'm sure glad it's here. I'm used to dealing with things myself and I'm used to fixing things, but this is way out of my wheel house.


BH - 53
DDay - 4/4/14
Together 21 years
Completely Devastated and Trying Hard

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: NS Canada
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Sorry you're here, soulshattered. We're here for you.

What the heck did she mean by the third party comment? Is there ANOTHER OM?

She's there now and she needs some time to decide if SHE has the strength to rebuild.
She's telling you she wants to cake-eat, fence-sit. Knock her off the fence and take away her cake.

This might help you deal with her. It's a lot of different posts condensed into one post, so keep reading beyond the first one:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740


Posts: 11674 | Registered: Mar 2008
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Maybe an OC...
Please take care of and protect yourself...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:46 PM, April 14th (Monday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Nov 2011
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Your WW saying that she has broken things off means nothing. She is fully capable of lying and taking this underground. I have no idea what she meant by her cryptic statement, but I'll tell you what it means to me--it says 'I am continuing to be dishonest and selfish and I am a toxic person for soul shattered right now, not that I care at all about treating him right at this point'.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4172 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Blindsided2014
New Member
Member # 43117
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I understand your statement the words were far worse. I suspected he was cheating but seeing the words I want you, I need you was a gut punch. I am glad you took some time for yourself. I think I might need to do that, although he is already begging to come back. It was a mistake he says yet he is still saying that to her 5 months after the first and if he is to believed only physical encounter. Know that none of this is your fault. It's only been three days since I found out but I have already realized that. Good luck.


Me- 44 Him- 44
Married 9/2002
D Day= 12/2013 suspected 4/12/14 confirmed when I found text. DDay #2 5/21/2014
No kids together
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
YEAH Well THAT BIT ME IN THE ASS

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Orlando FL
12yearsloyal
Member
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, April 14th (Monday)

My WS is out of the country as well. I think this makes it extra hard. Mine is there indefinitely. Tonight I told him I wrote a letter to him this morning but did not send it. He wanted to know what was in my letter. I think he is worried I will file D. Interesting how you can turn things around quickly when you get some of your posture back. I am a month into this and I have to tell you it gets easier (not much but some) as a few weeks pass. He has been put on alert that I am at the end of my rope. Knocking them out of their fantasy world is the best bet as many on here will say.


Him: WS, Selfish, mental, mid-life crisis LTA EA PA
Me: BS American, Blonde, thin, attractive (and none of that mattered)
OW: Caribbean whore (RuPaul is better looking)
What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?

Posts: 161 | Registered: Apr 2014
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

You are right when you said the words kill you the most. We've all read the same old bullshit. While I was out working hard for my family my wife was at home burning up her phone with emails, texts, skyping, and meeting up. It all sucks but I'll tell you things do get better. Sending you some strength brother


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 602 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
soulshattered
New Member
Member # 43101
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Maybe I'll regret this later, but here's the fleshed out details of my story:

We've been together for 21 years this May. About 10 years into the relationship things started to stagnate a bit for both of us and she had issues with a low sex drive. Of course I thought it was because she was no longer interested in my but she swore to me it was all her and I bought into that although I never really believed it. Over the last 6 years she has had some fairly serious medical issues that eventually developed into all out cervical cancer and a complete hysterectomy at a very young age. Through it all I was there, I stood by her side patiently. The one thing that was central to my life was that I love this woman more than life itself. Following the surgery and the treatments, although the doctors gave her a clean bill of health there was no sex life. We have not had intercourse for years (6-8) but we have been intimate in other ways. For the last 5 years she's claiming that it's physically painful and I believed her and I've been patiently waiting and praying that we'd get by this.
She has a government job and was to be employed outside the country for a six-month period. Leading up the this, she was required to take a training course in another province for a period of a couple of weeks prior to leaving. When she came back from this course she had a password on her phone and explained that it was because other course mates were taking pictures with her phone so she just did it to block them, but she would not divulge the code. Fair enough. Just prior to her leaving I saw an email chain from some guy in another country (not the one she was going to) and it was fairly generic, but she called him by a nick name, something didn't sit well with this because she explained to me that this was a work thing and this individual was a superior in the pecking order. Also, there was a full size colour picture of this man and she told me that it was a work requirement and had a legitimate purpose, so I bought into it.
For the last couple of months before her departure she became more and more closed down and withdrawn. She was quick to anger and quick to fight. Now, a serious lack of open communication has plagued our relationship since day one. I've always begged and pleaded with her to open up and be honest and forthright and to discuss issues, but she never could and never did. Two days before she leaves she finally opens up and tells me she is unhappy and she's not sure what she wants anymore. She's not sure if she wants to continue in our life and our relationship and she needs time. Well two days before you leave for six months is a pretty shitty time to start being hones, but okay.
She leaves, and my coins all drop. I start approaching my relationship with a new and improved attitude. I get it. I know we have to do something if anything is going to work out and I choose to do whatever needs to be done. We skype daily. She tells me she loves me and misses me. We have some pretty decent conversations. I write her poetry, I send her cards and love letters, I take care of our home and our families and I pour my heart out to her. I tell her my fears and of my unwavering commitment and love for her. And she keeps me tagging along saying all the right things.
Christmas comes and this has always been the most special time for our family. I'm not a sap but this holiday has always been my favourite and we've built some beautiful family traditions over the last 21 years. She has the option of coming home, but opts to save her short vacation time for later in the winter when she's planning a trip home. One of our biggest issues in our relationship is that she says I never want to go anywhere, so I offer to meet her anywhere in the world of her choosing. She shut me down saying she'd only have a few days off so it's financially not a good idea. She's going to take a local tour with a group. Over Christmas the family was apart and we felt so bad for her being away and not being with family. We skyped with her daily and she was having fun, "but it's wasn't the same" according to her.
Christmas is over now and life goes on. As part of her employment she was entitled to a four day trip so she decided to go to one of the places in the world that's always been an interest of mine oddly enough. I was excited for her because it's historic, romantic, and fascinating. I gave her travel tips, places to go, things to see and I lived vicariously through her photos and emails because apparently skype didn't work there.
Finally her trip back to me and our home happens. I'm as excited as I've never been before. I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl. I meet her at the airport and my heart literally exploded because I love her so much. Everything is going along fairly smoothly but we are not being intimate. I don't want to rush anything, but I do mention to her that she's been home a week and we haven't had an intimate moment - she just shrugs it off as life as normal. Her second week home she blew it.
She screwed up her GMail log in and the reset message defaults to my email because she doesn't know how to do it. I open it and reset the password and the first name I see is the "guy" who was just a work thing - the guy in the picture. So I read the emails! April 4th, 2014 my life ended. She's using language of love. Not simple things, but I love you more than anything, and you are the love of my life, and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and on and on. So I confront her and her first response was anger because I looked at her email. Then the reality kicked in that she couldn't hide anymore. They were her words. Then the lying starts. First off it started as a friendship on the training course - there was no intimacy. Her passport was stamped at the arrivals in the country where HE was employed on Christmas Day! She had gone to him and given herself to him. I was devastated. She swears this was it. Then a day or two later she's out so I go to the gmail account and I find the rest of the emails. Approximately 100 of them. They discussed me. They made me a joke. She told him things about me and us that nobody has the right to know. She apologized for hurting him by having to spend time at home with me. And on and on and on. Then there were the pictures. It wasn't just Christmas, he flew to her on the four day trip that I gave the travel advice on. There were pictures of them together in the most romantic settings that I told her about. And so the lies continued. Then I have to leave my home because somebody has to. Then I have to impose on friends. I have to answer the hard questions while she hides from reality in our house. She tells me, and I have reason to believe her, that she called it off just before I discovered the truth. Too little, too late. I told our inner circle of friends and our parents and she's mad at me for it. I need to be able to deal honestly with them and she's mad at me. She will not give answers. She will not give details. She wants to control what I need to start processing - all typical textbook behaviour.
So I soul search and I dig deep and I analyze and I swallow my pride and make her the only offer I can - I want to at least give our 21 years the respect it deserves and try to work through this together but only if we can bot commit 100%. Now she needs time to think about if that's something she can do. She's not sure if we can fix our relationship. She blames the relationship for the affair - all of the same old BS. So then I find out another layer, the PA started when they were on the training months before she left and my world gets rocked again.
Now she's back overseas. She says she has no contact with him and I think I believe that, but I've been fooled before. Everyone in her circle of acquaintances over there is being unfaithful to their respective partners so not the best perspective building venue but she had to go back to finish her last month of employment. She couldn't let down her bosses. And here I sit eating fistful after fistful of shit because I love her and I can't just throw it all away. The relationship we had was far from perfect, but it was solid at its core and it had tons of potential. Now what? I don't know if there are any more layers to this or not and I may never know it all. I don't know why I'm so willing to be a doormat, but how do you bail on the only woman you've ever truly loved. I've stood by her through some pretty horrendous things over the time we've been together and how can anyone just toss that aside? So many questions and so few answers.
For all of you who have responded to me thank you so much. It saddens me greatly that there is this much ugliness in the world. I hope that all of you find the peace in your hears and the solace in your minds that you deserve. Thank you all!


BH - 53
DDay - 4/4/14
Together 21 years
Completely Devastated and Trying Hard

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: NS Canada
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

(((soulshattered)))

Be cautious. When my wh's affair was exposed, we also separated. At the time, he told me also that he no longer saw the ap.

Foolishly, I believed him and didnot find out until 2years later, that he had continued to see her right up to the time he moved back home with me.

ugh, I feel like such a fool. Its called taking the affair underground. Many ws's do. What an incredibly cruel thing to do.

Sometimes, a separation has to happen, it did in my case. But if you do end up reconciling with your wife, I wouldnt advise doing anything towards that while separated.

You need to be in close proximity with each other.

So sorry your here Soulshattered,,,,,


Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

You are not a doormat for loving her.

Just now you need to give her 'tough love'. And love yourself too.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:47 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

How do you bail on the only woman you have ever loved?


By loving yourself more.


If she came back, there would be certain basic things a BS needs..no..that a marriage needs...after an affair...that she would have to do. Like..be transparent...drop the friends and acquaintances that think cheating is fine...get tested for STD's(you need to do this asap)...answer your questions...own her shit..take full responsibility for her affair..without blaming you or the marriage.

Does it sound like she would do all of this? Any of this?

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:15 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7431 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Soul, I'm sorry but you are the back-up plan.

Do you know anything about her Affair Partner? Is he married?

It sounds like she is cake-eating and the bad thing is you are taking it.

Do you love her, or the life you have? It sounds like you are the one who has worked hard to sustain the relationship and the family and she just basically shows up and goes through the motions of being in a relationship with you. Is this what you want? From what you've written I see no effort on her part and a whole lot of pulling away.

You can't trust her.

Sorry, but you can't.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6553 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
alback
New Member
Member # 41336
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

SS, sorry about your situation.

I agree with K9 - you are not the man she respects, nor are you the man she wants to fight for. You are the back-up plan, the comfort zone, in case the AP is not willing to take their relationship further.

Gently,

Your wife has bailed on your marriage for some time. She even bailed on her kids and your Xmas traditions, in order to be with this guy.

She has such disrespect for you that she takes him on your special intimate vacation. You have read where she mocks you with him, she has totally played you while she lives her exciting fantasy with her new found best love of her life. She lies to you continuously, she has no connection to her vows, to you and is happy to risk it all for this AP.

All your beautiful comments about how much you love, and connect with your wife, is how she feels about the AP, not you.

The sadness is that she did this with total disregard for you, the person who stood by her, who waited in hopes of being intimate again. You never had a chance, as many of us where we are totally blindsided.

You've been nice, supportive, and understanding for the past 6 years. It has not kept your wife in the marriage. Therefore, to continue a soft and nice approach is not going to bring her back either. She doesn't share those feelings for you, they are suppressed under her excitement for the AP.

As others have said, look out for yourself, you've done the STD tests, now get the legal stuff going. File for divorce and show your wife that you are not willing to share her with anyone. Seek legal advice to protect yourself and your kids. Do not leave your house again, your kids need you there and you are not the one to leave the marriage.

Respect yourself, wake her up to the new reality, show her the door. This is an ideal time to have her things packed so when she arrives, she must find a place to stay. The shock of taking her comfort away can hopefully awaken her situation she has created.

Let her do the work if she wants the marriage to work. Right now she is only kind of sorry for being caught.

Good luck, you are in for a very rough emotional ride. Get help, professional and close family ties.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I have been where you are. In the pain, disbelieving, so full of love and hurt.

The relationship we had was far from perfect, but it was solid at its core and it had tons of potential.

And this ^^^ is bullshit. If it was solid at its core, why did you have so many problems? I think you mistake your love being solid at the core with the M being solid at its core.

As for potential...whatever potential there was, look at what it has become. Why would you believe that the potential is still there? Really--why? Because you want it to be? That is not a reason.

I know this hurts. I know what you want to be true. I know you want R to be possible.

But wanting something does not make it so.

Right now, you have NO distance. Once you get more distance, through NC, IC, the support of friends, your own good sense, you will realize, probably, that lots of things in the M were broken, and you just were in denial, living in the past and on your unsubstantiated hopes for the future.

Cutting down those hopes is a painful, hard thing to do. But it will free you. Truly, they are dead weight.

Look at your WW's actions, not at what you want her to be. And let your heart accept that the actions, and not your internal projections, represent who she truly is.

[This message edited by norabird at 1:07 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4172 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

There is one spot of silver lining in this dark,dark cloud. You've read about the 180? Well, her job has given you at least a part of that as you don't have to see her and have multiple triggers every day. You may wish to take advantage of that while you can.

Heed the advice you got about not trying to "nice" her back. It hasn't worked and won't unless she is forced to fall back on Plan B.

Filing for divorce with her out of the country might be problematic. Make sure your lawyer (solicitor) is aware of that fact before you meet so some research on that unusual situation can be done to save time.

You might consider IC which may give you some degree of objectivity which you can't have on your own at this point in time.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

So sorry....PLEASE do not let her call any shots. She will respect you more if you do not cave in to her refusal to share information. Tell her it is all or nothing. She did it...she hurt you....she hurt the marriage. You get to decide how to heal.

She is selfish and wants the control, because now she is the one that is hurting. She doesn't care about you or your pain right now. She most likely cares about the pain the AP and herself are in.

The biggest regret for me in R, letting my WS railroad me for many months. Just because I feared losing a man that I loved (key word-loved). It didn't take too long for that love to change to disgust as the months went on and the shock wore off. Give it time.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

SoulShattered

I read your thread and I have one question for you.

Why do you love her?

Your wife. The wayward version of her is not the woman you are in love with.

You are in love with the fake version of her.

It looks like her. It smells like her. It even sounds like her. But it is not her.

Instead you are in a loveless marriage with a woman that not only does not respect you but mocks you to her lover.

Now I am going to say something. Not to make you angry but to make you think.

File for Divorce. Tell every immediate family member and friend why you have chosen to divorce her.

Here are what my reasons would be.

1. She is selfish.
2. She is a liar.
3. She is a cheater.
4. When confronted with the evidence she still lied to you.
5. When confronted with her horrible actions, the sex, the trips, the emails and texts she could have been honest with you.

Instead she ran into hiding. Now she is overseas running away.

And yet you, a man, that has all the reason in the world to divorce her just waits for her decision.

You let her control your entire marriage, sex life and the exposure of her infidelity.

I ask you. Why?

You deserve happiness. She deserves total exposure. Especially at work. It is where their affair has festered.

Your life will not get better until you take control of your life.....

HM



Posts: 862 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Tom67
Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

It sounds like you need to assume the marriage is over and file.
I believe that is the only remote chance you have right now.
She has to do the heavy lifting as they say.
Sorry you are here.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 27