SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: any joy in life?
islesguy
Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 14th (Monday)

My BS has been through hell and back and is rightfully angry, depressed, and completely untrusting and I understand why she can't have any fun in the present.

But, she has stated many times that for the rest of her life she will never be able to do anything at anytime without either relating it in some way to my betrayal or thinking that even if it seems like she is having some fun on the outside, she will always be hurting and thinking about the fact that her husband betrayed her on the inside.

I completely believe her when she tells me this but I am just wondering if it is because she can't even contemplate a time when she could enjoy something in life because she is living in the hell that her life is now. I know that there will always be a black cloud over everything because of my betrayal but I am heartbroken to believe that she can never have any joy ever again.

Are there any non divorced betrayed spouses out there that have been able to have any real joy in their lives and if so how far from dday was this possible for you? Was it only possible for you when you were without the company of your wayward?


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 14th (Monday)

So I am a BS 18 months from Dday #2. I also had trickle truth for months between Dday #1 (H said it was "just" a 2 year EA) and #2 (surprise, it was a four year PA!) And I have had numerous instances of joy in the last year. Mixed in with sadness.

Just this weekend I was thinking about how much I love my life.

Now I tend to be a Pollyanna and positive to a fault, some say. But I also consciously seek out joy, adventure, nature, activity, animals to pet, etc. With and without my H. He has actually been a major source of joy for me, since he has steadfastly turned into the H I have always deserved.

Is your BS in IC? I sure hope that she can envision joy in her future someday.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I've experienced great joy both with and without my FWH. It takes a long time to get there, and it's really scary the first year or so after DDay when we can't seem to conjure those feelings to save our life. I wrote a post about this a while ago...


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502703


Keep working on it. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, but you really have to make the effort to get there.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17838 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 14th (Monday)

If your BS consistently believes she will never feel happiness again I'd strongly suggest IC. I think most BS' feel that way some of the time, but I couldn't imagine living my life in that bleakness long term. It's a very dangerous place to be.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 501 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Yes, I have joy in my life. Every. Single. Day. I have joy with my H every single day now. I'm 5 years out. I can remember saying to my H during years 1-3.5 or so, I'll never find joy in anything again. Every single thing is tainted by what you did (I can remember my voice dripping with hate and contempt). It really isn't true, but there is nothing you can do to explain that or push that along. She will at some point feel a moment of joy in something and that will take root as she moves beyond what you have done. It takes a really long time for that pain to fade...that assumes you are doing everything she needs you to do for her recovery and healing.

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 12:10 PM, April 14th (Monday)]


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 537 | Registered: Apr 2009
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I do find joy - but it's fleeting. I'm optimistically hopeful about this! Primarily because I'm a rather cynical person by nature. If I can find joy anyone can!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5264 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 14th (Monday)

..my fWW asked me this very question before she left this morning.

..we are 5 years out, as of yesterday!

..i try to take joy in life's everyday things, i can smile and laugh.. i feel a father's joy for my children.

..yet i carry with me a heavy truth of knowing so much of my life was a lie.. it is that 'black cloud' that hangs over our life.

..that weight keeps me from "jumping for joy"..

..it has to do with my spirit and zest for life having been crushed by the weight of the double betrayal..kind of took the wind out of my sails..

..can turn into depression, no doubt

..not a healthy place to be. My wife worries that i may be headed there..

..you 2 are about a year+ out and have a ways to go on this journey.. your BS may not get her mojo back for a while.. keep supporting her, keep trying to spark her joy finder..

..and give her space if that's what she needs..

Was it only possible for you when you were without the company of your wayward?

..good luck to you islesguy

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 12:36 PM, April 14th (Monday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I echo Wodnships' call for IC. This long after D-Day, I think your W could use some help.

At this point, I think the majority of BSes do feel some joy at least a little bit of the time. Your W may be stuck at some stage of recovery, and IC can help her get unstuck - or confirm that her process just takes longer than most BSes do.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
islesguy
Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Thank you all for your responses. I truly hope that she can find some joy some day. She is not in IC because of all of my failures in the past few years since dday and because she doesn't believe a therapist can help her. I hope that one day she changes her mind about IC not for me but for herself.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Moving to the WS Forum.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198284 | Registered: May 2002
islesguy
Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Deeply Scared

Why do mods keep moving my posts?

I was specifically looking for responses from betrayed spouses and wanted this in the general forum?

You have moved my posts before and I don't understand why? Is there some rule that I should know about?


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I was specifically looking for responses from betrayed spouses and wanted this in the general forum?

BS's have the ability to reply in this forum. It prevents BS's from triggering that don't want to read or interact with a WS on the General forum.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198284 | Registered: May 2002
islesguy
Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Yes, but I assume less BS read the wayward forum than general.

So, are you saying that WS not allowed to post in general?


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Your assumption is incorrect, many, many BS's read and reply in here.

Again, not every BS on General wants to interact and/or read from a WS...hence the WS forum.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198284 | Registered: May 2002
islesguy
Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, April 14th (Monday)

So, is there an official rule that I am not following that says that WS can't post or reply in the general forum?


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 14th (Monday)

It's not an official rule, its just common courtesy to respect the BS's on General and allow them the freedom to not interact with WS's unless they choose to do so in this forum.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198284 | Registered: May 2002
Sammy2013
Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I am not quite 3 months from, what I am hoping, is the final DDay. I had trickle truth from Day 1. Many days I don't feel like I will ever find happiness. But I have surprised myself. I do find good times and happiness. Both with and without my WH.

If your wife isn't in IC, I would highly recommend it. She is most likely suffering from depression and needs to be given some tools to help her. I fell very deep once all had been revealed and managed to pull myself out. I did it without the use of meds, but just barely and if I had to do it again I would have utilized some just to make it easier.

And like your BS, I feel like I will always be thinking about the betrayal. I think about it all the time now and look forward to the day it doesn't dominate my thoughts. But I know that is a long time in coming. I concentrate on finding joy in my days now and just take it a day at a time.

And remember, everyone's healing is different. Something I feel at 3 months out might be felt by someone else 2 weeks out, or 2 years out. Everyone and every situation is different. No healing timeline is right or wrong. It's important for your BS to know this.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 210 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, April 14th (Monday)

isles guy, just a thought. Has your BS been assessed for depression? I just know for me the inability to envision feeling better was associated with postpartum depression, and I experienced depression again after DDay. Hopelessness is a key indicator.

This may or may not apply in your situation, but it is worth looking into.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 14th (Monday)

10 months out, I feel joy on occasion! Heck, I did in spurts all along. There is a lot of greyness sometimes, and some big 'ol pits in the road, but yes -- there should be some joy, some levity, somewhere. Not sustained, but spotty.

I concur with the depression screening. Sorry you all are having such a hard time.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Isles guy,

My BH still says the same thing. He has some enjoyment in life on occasion and he is active and plans outings and things he wants to do but everything is tainted.

I just keep hoping for him to some day in time find peace and joy. I try to find ways to help. I believe IC would help but he's not interested right now, nor will he consider ADs.

BUT lately he is showing an interest in doing things that are just for him. He's working out, eating healthy, getting back into martial arts, he asked me to give him a massage the other day. I consider all of these very positive signs. I strive to support and encourage.

I'm hopeful...


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

There's a song by Randy Newman that has a line "when you're young and there's time, you forget the past. You don't think you will, but you do." That's pretty much how it works, assuming no new hurts come along to rub the scab off the old.

Be sensitive to your wife and don't tell her she's wrong, because that's her reality for the moment. And the fact she will get better doesn't minimize what you've done, because she's probably going to have years and years of unhappiness because of what you chose to do. When someone is in the depths of an infidelity depression, telling them they'll feel better in a few years sounds like eternity. But the time does pass and, with loving and compassionate acts on your part, it will get better.

[This message edited by PeaceLove187 at 10:01 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
PainfulReminder
Member
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

i have learned one thing in life it is your joy comes from within and not others. So if your wife decided to remain unhappy for the rest of her life that is her choice. That is why some people can have the most horrendous things happen to them and still find joy. And that is something your wife may learn. She may realize she is tired of unhappiness and reach within herself to find it and not let it be dependant on things we cannot control. When your in the pit of self pity it is hard to see the light of day or imagine a time when you felt sunshine for some people. And whether you put yourself in the pit or someone threw you in, only you can climb out. People can help by reaching down into the pit but ultimately, it will be up to her.

I have seen people climb back out. And I have seen people live their entire lives in the pit. You can't decide if someone else will fight back or give in to it. But you can work on you and keep yourself out of the pit. And be there and not push. Don't agree with the "unhappy forever" or "dark cloud forever" but don't disagree. Just apologize and give reconciliation your all.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Oct 2013
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I have seen people climb back out. And I have seen people live their entire lives in the pit. You can't decide if someone else will fight back or give in to it. But you can work on you and keep yourself out of the pit. And be there and not push. Don't agree with the "unhappy forever" or "dark cloud forever" but don't disagree. Just apologize and give reconciliation your all.
^^^^This!!!!! It's what I've been thinking too. For a while when he would say things like, "there is no joy, only pain." Or something to indicate that he will be miserable forever I would panic and spiral. I would think all kinds of crazy things. But this is the conclusion I've reached too.

He has to choose to be happy or to be miserable. He still has any where from half a year to 3.5 years on the SI healing *average* ...could be more.

I did this to him. Is him being unhappy a good reason to leave him? Absolutely not. If I had given him HIV would that be a good reason to leave him? In sickness and in health, joy and sorrow....etc. I disregarded the vows I made before, never again. In a marriage were supposed to help each other so if I'm healing and he's taking longer to heal I support him and help him. I pick up the slack. I do what I can to bring him joy. I commit to be here for him FOREVER and do it.

I choose a life with Knight and I choose to be happy. I'm working on that. I hope he will too and I believe he is now. There was a time very recently when I wasn't so sure. But even if he chooses to be miserable I still love him the same.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
obliquestrat
Member
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Our MC did an "interview" with me including a question about experiencing joy. I responded with something like, "hahahahaNO." I'm a few months out, zero joy in sight. I do experience happiness, but it feels empty, even when it "shouldn't" be. Some event with our children should be legitimately joyful, for example, but it feels like I had relapsed on a drug addiction when I try to recall my happy feelings of it, if that makes any sense. All forms of happiness get tossed in the "hedonism" bucket somehow, as some kind of self-reminder that I'm in Hell. I expect it to pass, and look forward to that day.


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 24