User Topic: Did anyone else feel ugly around the stbx?
Faithful w/Love
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 14th (Monday)

because I sure do. I have felt like me or myself sense I moved back. This has to be effecting my self-esteem. I feel beautiful when I am not around him but when I am home I feel ugly! IS this normal?

BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, April 14th (Monday)

You know that he's rejected you, so when you are around him that seeps into your perception of yourself.

I am glad you know you are beautiful the rest of the time honey. Don't let what he has done ruin your self-esteem.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, April 14th (Monday)

My self-esteem was completely demolished by my relationship with my ex. I am still struggling with how I feel about my appearance. I know I am not hideous, and at times I feel my old sense of self pride swirling around in my mind, but other times I can hardly bear to look at myself in the mirror.

One of the reasons I cannot visualize myself in a relationship with anyone ever again is because I cannot imagine anyone ever being attracted to me again. Sadly, I can still hear his voice and see the look on his face when he would sneer at me and tell me that I disgusted him, that I made him sick, that I was repulsive, that I was a waste of air & space...

Clearly this is one of the things I'm still working on.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9669 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 14th (Monday)

It's because he's an ugly person on the inside and he projects that onto your psyche.

You're internalizing someone who, in your mind, "rejected" you - so you feel insecure, inferior, "less than"....

Not so.

Do not let his lack of self-esteem, self-respect, and internal ugliness project onto you. This isn't about you. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't fix it.


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: SoCal
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Interesting. I also feel like that around my stbx. When I am by myself or with friends or family I feel a lot more confident and happy. But as soon as she enters the picture everything feels dreary and sad. And I can't help that it reflects in my attitude. Sometimes I wonder if its because I am a little mad at myself stbx is still in the picture and I am ready to move on, I just can't fully do that at the moment.

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Faithful w/Love
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I am so glad I am not the only one that feels this when around stbx! I started noticing this a little bit before I moved out, then when I moved out I felt so beautiful again, my confidence was back and I was alive for the most part, sense moving back home, I feel what Ryebread said. TO THE T!

I agree with the others about him but isn't it amazing as human beings we allow some to reflect their shit on us? Yes, it is about being rejected and it sucks!

BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Oh, yes. I feel ugly around him, and now, when I'm not around him. That's what wholesale rejection will do to a person.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8684 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, April 14th (Monday)

No. But I''m not living with him. When we were in false R before he left, I felt that I was competing for him, like he was some wonderful prize. So that did make me feel less than him.

Now, when I see him, I feel beautiful. I look better thanks to the infidelity diet, but most importantly, no matter how he looks outwardly, he is more ugly than me on the inside. I am beautiful because I have integrity, and seeing him reminds me of that. But it''s taken a year of separation to get here.

You''ll get there too.

Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 993 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 14th (Monday)

My STBXWH always told me I was pretty, but I could never quite believe him. I always felt like he was sending me a mixed message. In fact, that was one of our last dramas before I found out about the A. One of his "requirements" for staying married to me was that I had to feel like I was pretty. I burst and said that I would see about 50 million more airbrushed models than my mom in our lifetimes (had just read an article about beauty). So I pointed out that someone was lying, and I wasn't sure who. That emotional outburst ended in a lot of hugs and pats on the head assuring me of my beauty. Somehow, I still don't believe him, but it hasn't mattered since I've been away from him. Not sure what it up with this, but just wanted to share my experience.

"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, April 14th (Monday)

This is my M, I always considered myself the work mule -- not attractive while ex-shat was the pretty boy who loved me inspite of my unattractiveness. That has everything to do with me obviously...but ex-shat never made me feel attractive...he liked to talk about what a fine male specimen he was and how lucky I was to pretty up the family by getting his genes in the mix (yeah, in hindsight, ex-shat is a fucking asshole.) When he took off after D-day, I really felt unattractive...but then I started seeing pictures of myself and you know, I thought I looked okay. I used to always focus on my, I focus on what I got and most importantly, I'm happy which seems to really have helped my self-perception.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, April 14th (Monday)

God bless us, we'll always look and be more attractive than the cheaters!!!!

Cause they is ugly on the inside. And that's where the real beauty lies, isnt it?

hugs all,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I do. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and amazing. But. Everythime he compliments me I think, "yeah? If I'm so great why'd u cheat?"

Yes...I KNOW his A was a result of his ugliness and low self but I still can't help these intrusive thoughts.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 6:41 PM, April 14th (Monday)]

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, April 14th (Monday)

But as soon as she enters the picture everything feels dreary and sad

RyeBread you just described the Dementors from the Harry Potter series and that is exactly how I felt when he entered the room sucking out all the joy in the room with his "dementor''s kiss". I had all the self confidence in the world until he entered the room. May have to be a new name for the dumbass.

[This message edited by GreatRoleModel at 9:35 PM, April 14th, 2014 (Monday)]

BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I just did a post about this in General.
Faithful, I have met some of the BSs at G2Gs. Won't name names, but all of them were good looking both inside and out. Some were slim, others were gorgeously curvaceous. All were very nice people.
It really isn't us, but them. The only thing I feel now is contempt and disgust when I think of STBX. I will never allow his dirty ass to ever make me feel like I'm not beautiful. HE is the ugly one. He is physically handsome outside, but he is so incredibly ugly inside.

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2233 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

For me I think it's the rejection I faced. He chose the AP and she is not attractive at all. But it still hurts.

As a self esteem boost I used to make sure I was dolled up at the pick up or drop off. I did this for me though and I am sure as a "ha look what your missing out on"

Now I have reached indifference I don't care he is nothing to me.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Take it from someone who's seen your face - you are beautiful ALL of the time.

(((Faithful w/Love)))

I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17322 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Faithful w/Love
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Thank you Jrazz,
I forgot you have seen what I look like.... LOL... and that means so much!!!!!!!

BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I don't know if I would say ugly, but I. the bedroom, I certainly felt inadequate because he had been with other women. in my mind they must of been more attractive or better in bed because he chose to cheat. So I always felt very self conscious about my appearance especially in that situation along with struggling with my weight. In reality none of these women were more attractive than me especially in the face. I out do them in all categories hands down. Granted they may be better than me at certain types of 'favors' but they are so much more experienced than I.

Right now I look better than I have in years and the idiot has been calling me fat, he hasn't got a close look at me lately.....I'm going to chuckle a little bit when he does. Gutter pig can't hold a candle to me and when people see what he left for the comments are priceless. So right now, I feel great regardless of if I'm around him or not.

BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I do for sure.
He left me for her because she looks better and is fit and thin. He told me I don't take care of myself.

She is a raving bitch though so I guess it's a trade off for having a hot new girlfriend that you can brag about.

BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

he Dementors from the Harry Potter series and that is exactly how I felt when he entered the room sucking out all the joy in the room with his "dementor's kiss".

Gosh- this is EXACTLY how I feel. It's amazing how, even now, when he steps into the room I feel the joy leaving. And then when he leaves, a huge relief....
My stbxwh is a REALLY good looking guy and used to tell me all the time how other women told him how hot he was...usually fishing for compliments or jealousy from me because he was insecure to the extreme. It used to make me barf because, even before A, all I could see was what he was on the inside and how he treated me.

I don't feel ugly. I know I'm good looking. But, I have insecurities sexually and I'm sure I will in the future. I've read on here about people having casual flings after getting out of their M and I just can't imagine that right now. I'm kind of insecure about my body...sexually. I'm fit, but I've had 2 babies know...a lot of things change after that. Also - stbxwh made me feel really insecure about some things sexually because of things he wouldn't do. I'm sure you can all read between the lines here...
I just picture being in another relationship in the future and feeling very insecure about someone doing "that" down "there"...

Oh god- TMI...
I'm just...gonna go now....

[This message edited by Klove at 8:56 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

oh dear isn't are beautiful. He is JACKED! We all go through this at first. He is bat shit crazy and thinks he is "in love". Trust isn't you. Do not turn it around on yourself because you are wasting your time with that.

BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

RyeBread you just described the Dementors from the Harry Potter series...

I haven't read the series. Heard it was good though

Call me nuts but I really believe that selfishness and deceipt darken a persons soul and it preceeds them anywhere they go. Almost like their aura is a plague that destroys any good that might be in the area. Wherever my WW goes drama and destruction follow. I found it better to avoid it than confront it because it only drags you down with it. Be like water, it goes around the rock to get to it's destination.

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)


They ALWAYS "affair down".

Always. Mine did.

Yours did, too.

Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I didn't feel ugly - I felt stupid, fooled, humiliated. Ugly on the inside.

DDOW was the ugliest late 30s Indian woman I've ever seen. She looked like a man. To say I was insulted was an understatement.

OWUmpteen was 24 and beautiful in the way we all were at that age, but has no spark. No wit, no intellect, no charm. She's a hipster redneck. It is kind of hilarious given he has always gone for strong, bold, feisty, smart, exciting women.

I'm not traditionally beautiful, Eastern European mixed with who knows what - unusual in a country of mousy, blue eyed white bread crust cut off anglos. I have vitiligo over 80% of my body and I've had 2 children. But dayum do I own it. I like not being everyone's cup of tea. I like being an acquired taste. I like men who lean towards the quirky, intellectual side. My looks work for me in that regard.

Now? I dress down on the rare occasion that I have to see him. I don't want to trigger any nostalgia for him. I am inherently foxy but it's easy to tone that down when you're cringing in someone's presence.

I did feel uncomfortable in my own skin in that M but that had nothing to do with my looks and everything to do with how I had allowed/was allowing this parasite to treat me.

Let's face it - if his fidelity was based on my looks we were never going to reach 'till death do us part'. No matter how beautiful an 80 year old I'll be if looks was the crux of it he was never going to be around to appreciate it.

t/j KLove - I have 2 babies naturally (no drugs - I'm not a hippy, I have a needle phobia). Shut that shit down - that is ALL about him. My little map of Tassie (Google it ) is more glorious now than it ever was before. I appreciate her far more than I ever did before. She's amazing and capable of amazing things. Well beyond childbirth. Get those terrible thoughts he planted out of your head. Right now. End t/j

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Faithful w/Love
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Oh KLove,
sweetie there is nothing wrong with your hoohoo. It was him and his screwed up ways. Please don't feel that way. You were blessed with the hoohoo to have beautiful kids but it is also more than that. One day I hope you get to have it happen... You will be doing the back stroke!.....

I do know I am beautiful inside and out, but when I am around him I feel less than.. if that makes sense.

BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 25