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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Vent!#!#! Stbx held my sons Meds hostage!! Etc.
btrayedbyhim
Member
Member # 26941
Question  Posted: 9:05 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

This is my life...

STBX picked up DS11 schedule 2 $220 meds from the pharmacy without permission, authorization or even telling me he was going to (& he had even sent me junk texts right before he picked them up!). I had been asking for 2 WEEKS if he was going to pay his 1/2 & that DS11 meds were nearly out or out altogether. Crickets. So my mother sent $ and I just dropped off the scrip to get the meds on my way out later.

Then as I am getting ready to go to my weekly girls pool tournament, I suddenly get a text from him saying "I have DS11's meds". Um...What??? Ok...drop them here (I am a couple minutes from the pharmacy). Nope. He's home. What? Fine...meet me somewhere ( ie: police station). Nope. Drop them with a 3rd party we both know & trust. Nope. I will have a 3rd party pick them up. Nope. He gave me a scary, crazed, rambling, psycho-jibberish text bomb runaround refusing to give them to me...playing his games!

He held the meds hostage! I called the police (small town...they ALL know whats going on. Cop I spoke to was the one who tackled him to the ground last Sept for the DV arrest. The police will not participate as its a civil issue! Um...isnt this stealing a narcotic? I called the pharmacy & asked for their help...nothing they could do.

4 HOURS after he picked up the meds....
Finally...the ransom. STBX is demanding I come to his place or nothing! I tell him NO. He asks WHY NOT? Because you will kill me! That is his demand. I am hysterical. WHO DOES THIS??? My son cannot attend school without his meds!

My good friend who has lived in this small town all his life called the police & demanded a poluce escort to accompany me to get meds. He told them it was Child Endangerment to withhold meds risking my sons well-being. They agreed.

5-1/2 HOURS later I pulled up in front of STBX with my girlfriends car (who knows if he had something planned for mine). I rolled down the passenger window & he handed the bag to me. I reached for it and he pulled it away. Wtf? He handed it to me again. I grabbed it, rolled up the window & drove off. (All the while the police sitting down the street with headlight shining towards me-I was to flash my lights if there was trouble).

I have meds. He paid (sort of). He will want to take my half out of the support (he isnt paying) but he is refusing to send me a copy of the receipt he said he would send.

1. Is he that crazy or was this an insane stunt to keep me from going to the girls pool tournament?

2. Who does this to their child? Am I over-reacting?

3. What would a judge say to this stunt?

4. He was supposed to have his first 2 days requested visitation in a month the next night. I messaged my victim advocate & she said not to deny the visit. But isnt this crazy behavior enough to warrant supervised visits? (Not that I want that....I am not thinking clearly to know).

5. I immediately went to pharmacy next day, told them what happened & put a major block on him EVER picking up DS11's meds again (I DID find a way that STBX can still pay for them though.

6. Ironically...pharmacist is boy scout leader & STBX just went from cub scout leader to asst boy scout leader. Pharmacist is responsible & respectable man who does know the whole story (maybe STBX version of it).

OH...And to furthet vent....
I quit asking STBX when he wanted visitation. I told him it was up to him to ask (I have sole physical custody & he has generous visitation). I also told him I needed 1 weeks notice (I think thats more than reasonable). So I got a request on Sunday for "any day that week except the weekend". LoL. I guess he doesnt know what a week is. I let him have Thursday after school until 9am Saturday.

So...that came & went & he has not requested any other visitation. Its Spring Break now. I mentioned it in a text (that this week was Spring Break). He started going off on how I didnt tell him, that the school doesnt let him know anything, and that he got an organization he is involved in to donate $250 to a special school program and he hasnt been thanked by the teacher! Mind you...he had just seen his son for 2 days and he didnt know it is spring break? I told him he needed to do his own due diligence.

So here's the clencher....tonight is the scout meeting and just last week he was making a point that HE IS IN CHARGE OF SCOUTS. So last night I told him he needs to pick up & drop off our son for the meeting (we live 5 minutes apart) - that I cannot drive him in my car as my brakes are bad (grinding) & I cannot afford to fix them seeing as he has only paid $100 in the last 6 months toward CS (when he agreed to $300/mo.)

His reply....I didnt give him 1 weeks advance notice that he would need to transport DS11 to scouts and I am setting a "precedent" that 1 weeks notice is not necessary!!! Wtf? I told him this was not visitation but a weekly meeting. If he didnt give DS11 a ride than DS11 wouldnt be able to go. Or he cld give me $ to fix the brakes (STBX thinks support is just for food).

Btw...I condensed this. Just the scout thing alone was 50 texts because of his games.

Am I crazy?
Is this normal?

We never settled the scout transport thing last night so this morning I texted him 5 VERY specific questions:

ME:
Please let me know by 9am-no later (because you did not answer yesterday when I asked):
1. Are you picking up & dropping off DS11 for scouts tonight?
2.What specific time will you pick him up here?
3. What specific time will you drop him off? (When its over is not an acceptible answer).
4. Will you be bringing child support or a gift card as discussed? Tonight? Ever?
5. Confirming that you still have not requested any visitation.

He answered the pick up & drop off times and said "when is good for visitation"?

I texted back that his message was incomplete....to cut & paste the question & answer below them if that would help...and answering with a question was unacceptible.

THERE IS NO REASONING WITH THIS __________!

Is this how it is IRL?
Is he this stupid? Or crazy?
Is he trying to get me to give up?

[This message edited by btrayedbyhim at 9:21 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


As of Dec 2009:
Me: BS46
Him: FWH39 - NPD
Married: 20+ years
Kids: 3
D-Day: 9-28-09
Spent 4 yrs trying. He blew it.
Arrested for DV: 9-6-13
Fuck Him

Posts: 397 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: an island at the beach (aka heaven)
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I've read your past posts.

He is stalking you.

He has already been arrested for hitting you.

He is abusive and controlling.

The meds? All about control.

Tell your attorney...tell the judge. Withholding your DS's meds and insisting you go to his house is not ok. Do you still have a restraining order? If not..you need to get one.

I also know you had a PO for your kids...and you allowed it to be lifted....listen...this man is escalating...the more control he loses of you..the crazier he's getting...my fear is he will turn the abuse onto your children, because he knows it will hurt you. I know you have said you don't believe he would hurt the kids (withholding your DS's medicine is abusive towards your DS)...I think you are wrong. You are underestimating him...please..be on the safe side...protect your kids from this man.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7503 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Save ALL of these texts! Document the hell out of this. Given the RO, his demand that you go to his house is not reasonable. And he is playing games with regards to visitation.

Just from what little you have posted, this guy is borderline psychopath. THAT is why you need a L immediately!

I would also advise you to go NC as much as possible. Do not ask him about visitation or any rides. You know that asking him will come at a cost. If your DS misses scouts because you cannot take him, then so be it. Do not ask about money or CS ever again, because you know that he will not give you anything unless forced (which is why you need that court order!). Thee was no way for you to avoid that fiasco about the meds, but you have taken care of that with the pharmacy so you never have to have a contact him about meds again. When/if your DS have visitation, send only the number of pills needed for the visitation, never send the prescription bottle.

You are not overreacting, this guy is crazy and not in a good way. You need to start creating layer upon layer of protection from him, starting with legal protection.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17639 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

You need to out think this guy. Be proactive in setting up your life so you rarely if ever have to contact him. Contact him only in writing always remembering that one day a judge may read everything. So, no emotion, no bashing, write like a lawyer.

Do not help him or remind him of anything. He fired you from that.

This guy is BAD news. Believe what he is showing you by his behavior.

I pretend NPDx is dead.....I operate my life by myself. Really simplifies things


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2688 | Registered: Jan 2010
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I read a little bit about parallel parenting, and it's basically not counting on ANYTHING from the other parent, including rational thinking. I think it could be helpful for you.

Rather than jump through your stbx's hoops, here's another thought on how to handle the meds. Ignore him. Go to the pharmacy and request you DS's prescription. Not your fault that they gave it to an unauthorized person, they are responsible for providing you with your DS's medication. If they refuse, report them to the FDA for dispensing narcotics to a person without a prescription. They are the ones who F'd up.

Another way of viewing the Cub Scouts issue is this, STBXH said he was in charge, then LET him be in charge. This is visitation for him with DS, he is the one who needs to give notice, not you. You can let STBXH know that DS will be available for pickup between x and y o'clock. He has until z o'clock to return him before you call the cops. If you are not prepared to have DS miss meetings due to STBXH's irresponsibility, then set up a backup plan with another scout parent for a ride after y o'clock. Myself, I'd let natural consequences occur.

This reinforces your "one week notice" decision and takes care of STBXH claiming he has no 'visitation' with DS. Good luck.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1803 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
btrayedbyhim
Member
Member # 26941
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

RE: Meds - I see it was all about control. The texts are pretty damaging for him. ALL his numerous episodes are played out via text & he doesnt look good.

Like the time he had a weekday visitation. Would he pick DS11 up at my house @ 5? Or would DS11 ride the after school bus to STBX house? Since it was undecided when DS11 went to school I didnt write a permission note to ride his dads bus. Well,STBX refused to start visitation any earlier than 5 (he thought it would put a kink in my plans) so DS11 wasnt supposed to ride his bus & I never brought a note to school.

So the next thing I know the scoolbus drives right by my house without stopping. I run out to the street thinking he will get off at the next stop. Nope. I come in & call STBX. He wont answer...the PO. I text him "is ___ with you?" He asks "why?" I tell him DS11 didnt get off the bus...call me. Then the games begin.

He refuses to call me...siting the PO (text & email only). I call the school. Panicked (Oh...they know everything). I call the neighbor kid he rides the bus with. I call hus buddy who is on his dads bus. I'm texting STBX "Is DS11 with you?" And all I get are flippant answers & a total runaround. Not a yes or no. I say twice "I am going to call the police!". His last text to me "gotta go". I am freaking out.

School calls. Talked to bus driver. DS11 boarded dads bus after school (he knows he shouldnt have without a note). The school LET him board dads bus without a note (slipped thru the cracks. And the bus driver LET him get off the bus without a note (STBX "befriends" everybody with his "I am the greatest guy" ways).

I text STBX "The school called & said DS11 rode your bus home. You need to tell me right now if he is with you. This is serious!". And of course he confirms he has DS11 and how IRRESPONSIBLE of me to let him ride the wrong bus home etc etc. I say "I told you I was going to call the police! Why didnt you tell me you had him? Everyone was frantic! Who are you?" And he continues to bash me saying "Well I guess you learned THAT lesson".

I should have called the police!

I have really worked with the school & they have a copy of the PO & Custody papers & call anytime STBX shows up. They are great. It was a series of every error imaginable including me not being clear enough to DS11 when he went to school.

The point is...all this is captured via text. I dont know what kind of human being would play the game when it comes to a missing child! Even the thought of the police being called didnt phase him.

Is this game playing normal? Do other non-custodial parents do this?

RE: Scouts. I ended up dropping off DS11 & picking him up. Couldnt even look at STBX in his Asst Scout Leader uniform. Makes me sick. And during the meeting he was texting me! Um...shouldnt you be "leading"? He says he has something for me. I say "child support? A grocery gift card"? He says "you'll see". I go to pick DS11 & get the "something". Its a used duvet from the hotel he works for. Oh joy. And....he & a buddy will fix my brakes "sometime"...he will "pay for it of course". LOL.

It is what it is.
Document. Document. Document

PS - Thank you for your great advice & for letting me vent this long narrative!


As of Dec 2009:
Me: BS46
Him: FWH39 - NPD
Married: 20+ years
Kids: 3
D-Day: 9-28-09
Spent 4 yrs trying. He blew it.
Arrested for DV: 9-6-13
Fuck Him

Posts: 397 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: an island at the beach (aka heaven)
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I wouldn't let him or his buddies anywhere near your brakes! He's a dangerous sociopath. And the bus thing? What a sick mess he is! I can't even begin to imagine how he could put you through all that, but he was enjoying it so much. If there's ever a next time, ask him once if your son is with him. If he doesn't give you a prompt satisfactory answer, call the police immediately. Don't play his games. You have a PO, right? Any contact from him outside of kid contact you need to report. And throw the damn duvet away, you should not be accepting gifts from him.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

2x4...

Are you kidding??? Do NOT let this POS anywhere near your car. That you haven't figured out yet that he is an abusive, cruel, controlling stalking PIECE OF SHIT...then Im worried about you.

He is dangerous. Those games he is playing? NOT NORMAL. HE IS DANGEROUS.



BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7503 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

He says he has something for me. I say "child support? A grocery gift card"? He says "you'll see".

Anotehr gentle 2x4 -- you should not have responded to his texts. He did not ask a question about DS so there was no need to respond at all. Next time, crickets.

And you KNOW he wasn't going to give you money. Why do you keep thinking that he will? He won't unless he is forced by the courts.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17639 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Okay, your Stbx is scary!! You need to enforce as much NC as possible for your own safety. A local women's shelter or DV counselor can help you with strategies to protect yourself. Good luck.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1803 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
btrayedbyhim
Member
Member # 26941
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Wow. Ive never had 2x4's before. They hurt.

I'm too trusting & hopeful that Ive given him more chances than he deserves in ALL issues. But now its getting scary. I am making a list of all the BAD stuff to refer to whenever I go soft.

And Ive been reading about Sociopaths & that has been yet another 2x4.

I really needed the confirmation from you all. I will stop doubting myself and become the Lioness re my children.

No contact. No more txts. I will wait until he asks for visitation with reasonable notice. Until then...not my job to arrange visits.

No brakes (been parking in my backyard by my bdrm window...if he can have an armed buddy steal the car from my driveway in the middle of the night like he did in September...no telling what else he would do).

No support. I have to come to terms that he will never see the real issue/big picture. His brain doesnt work that way. Theres no reasoning with someone like this.

I have something to add re: the scout thing but will do it later on my other thread about DEADBEAT STBX SOCIOPATH.

I will vent here on SI. My town is too small.


As of Dec 2009:
Me: BS46
Him: FWH39 - NPD
Married: 20+ years
Kids: 3
D-Day: 9-28-09
Spent 4 yrs trying. He blew it.
Arrested for DV: 9-6-13
Fuck Him

Posts: 397 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: an island at the beach (aka heaven)
btrayedbyhim
Member
Member # 26941
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Eta: Double Post

[This message edited by btrayedbyhim at 1:35 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


As of Dec 2009:
Me: BS46
Him: FWH39 - NPD
Married: 20+ years
Kids: 3
D-Day: 9-28-09
Spent 4 yrs trying. He blew it.
Arrested for DV: 9-6-13
Fuck Him

Posts: 397 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: an island at the beach (aka heaven)
btrayedbyhim
Member
Member # 26941
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Eta: Triple Post.
My phone is stupid. Ugh.

[This message edited by btrayedbyhim at 1:37 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


As of Dec 2009:
Me: BS46
Him: FWH39 - NPD
Married: 20+ years
Kids: 3
D-Day: 9-28-09
Spent 4 yrs trying. He blew it.
Arrested for DV: 9-6-13
Fuck Him

Posts: 397 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: an island at the beach (aka heaven)
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

a very well meant 2X4, you need to spend some time with a counselor or battered womens shelter/group. if you cannot see how not normal this is then you have been dealing with this waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long.

NO THIS BEHAVIOUR IS NOT NORMAL FOR ANYONE NON-CUSTODIAL OR NOT

My SO and his XWW have the most contentious relationship I have seen post D. There has been some game playing on both sides but neither of them would ever scare the other about the well being of the kids.

My DS's bio-dad was an NPD stalker freak very similar to this. Your stories freak me out b/c they are so similar. He ended up trying to cut my cars brake lines and broke in to my apartment and held a gun to my head. THIS MAN IS DANGEROUS. DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HIM ANY MORE THAN ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

Next time you don't know where your son is call the cops even if you think he is with your X. If you can find a way to get the doctor to call in a second prescription instead of getting it from X then do it. Explain to the doctor what is going on and you might be surprised that they can do this even though its a narcotic.

He is going to continue to creat dramatic situations. He enjoys the terror, frustration, anger that you demonstrate. Out think him. No satisfaction for him. Be very explicit with your DS about when and where he is supposed to go after school if there is visitation question.

Be very clear about all the details for visitation with your psycho X and do not waiver. DS at 5 on Tuesday. DS will take bus to your house. You will drop him off at 8pm. Any changes result in a missed visit.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8452 | Registered: Apr 2008
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Holy Shit.
This guy is fucking scary.

Stop communicating with him.
Just. Stop.

Everyone else has given you excellent advice. Please take it to heart and follow it.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4658 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Holy crap. He goes beyond sociopath...he's a psychopath. He gets a thrill out of this shit. Listen to the other posters here. Time for a lawyer and a court order. Out this man to scouts already. I'd be furious with you if my kid were in scouts and under someone like your ex and yet you'd said nothing to report him. These other parents have a RIGHT to know.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 872 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 16