New Beginnings
User Topic: How do u view ur ex
New Member
Member # 36505
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I saw my ex-h for the 1st time in about 6 months at child support court. He didn't say one word to me and we were sitting at the table together. Our son just got out of the hospital and he didnt even ask about him. I'm ashamed to call him my ex-h or even my child's father.
It amazes me how a person you took vows to and said you would spend the rest of your life with becomes the person you disgust the most. I don't hate him, but I do despise the person he became. I can't believe that a person I once thought was so wonderful, could be such a deadbeat, sorry, pathetic man.

Married 9/19/09
DDay 8/5/12
Separation 1/19/13

Divorce filed 1/2/14
Divorce Final 3/24/14
Moving right along, whether I want to or not

Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Atlanta
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Works both ways. It's awful, but part of the game.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I feel indifferent to him. I think he did a lot of screwed up stuff to me, but I don't wish any harm to him. I even hope he's able to figure his crap out and be happy someday.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

How do I view my ex?
Preferably from my rear view mirror...after I've run him over.

Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.

Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I view him as the father of my children only.

I no longer hate him or wish ill on him he is non factor to my life.

I do however wish he would get the help he needs to be a better more responsible father for our children and to put them first but highly doubt that will ever happen.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

@ Gaby

How do I view my ex?
I suppose it depends on the day.
You know, I saw a picture of him recently and it was supposed to be a happy family shot. But he was not happy. His eyes were dead. No life, no sparkle, no joy. I guess that's how I view him now. He is a joyless person with no hope. And I would pity him except this is his own handiwork. I think of him as a Shakespearean tragic hero with a fatal flaw that destroyed him.

I should also mention that I've enjoyed his downfall.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4687 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

He's not even a shell of the man I thought I married. Barely recognisable physically - like a troll version. Like in the movie Shallow Hal.

Emotionally I feel nothing but revulsion having to be in his presence. He makes me gag so I don't look at him directly - his eyes on me make my skin crawl.

I have only one photo of him and I haven't looked at it since I packed it away. It is a group shot of the wedding - the biggest act of fraud he perpetuated on me. I don't think I'll ever look at it again. I've kept it in case my girls ever ask.

I loved this man once - with all of my heart. Not who he is but who he pretended to be. Who I pretended he was in the dying years of our M. That is just so scary to me now.

I'm no longer sad for me but I am sad for that scared young woman who ignored her screaming gut. She ignored it until she became a shell herself.

It can be very confusing in the early days. I remember looking at his hands after S - I used to look at them a lot and I was so proud to see our matching wedding bands. Where once they looked so strong and kind now they looked wicked. His scruffy 3 day growth which I used to love now makes him look dirty, unkempt, ragged.

Just like Shallow Hal now that I see him for who he is inside these traits I once found endearing are now menacing.

I see you now. I cannot unsee you.

Be gentle with yourself.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I can't believe that a person I once thought was so wonderful, could be such a deadbeat, sorry, pathetic man.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. I literally just shake my head at the life he now leads and the person he has become. I came to the conclusion that when he was with me he was always playing a part that he thought made him worthy in my eyes. And he was. But it was fake. I have to commend him that he played the part pretty well for 20 years, but ultimately the mask fell away and I finally discovered the ugly truth he tried to hide from me -- that he was not worthy of me. He always knew it. Now I know it too.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17689 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

The thought of her actions and words during our marriage (including but in addition to her affair) still makes my blood boil sometimes. I actual refer to her as "the ex" and can't seem to even say her name. Maybe it's my way of detaching. Or, maybe it's because I don't respect her enough to use her personal name.

As I have learned more about borderline personality disorder, I have actually felt more sorry for her. My gut tells me that she will end up hospitalized or attempting suicide. Possibly a drug overdose or pissing off the wrong person. For the most part, I have forgiven her and moved on. But, I still shake my head in disbelief and ponder the wounds that I still carry.

Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall

Posts: 598 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

My actual view of him, on the rare occasions that we share the same space, is extremely blurry, thank God. I have horrible eyesight and luckily can just whip off my glasses when he's around so he's nothing but a blurred blob. Unfortunately, this remains my incentive to never have LASIK surgery.

My view of him from an emotional side is pretty much the same as everyone else. Some days, depending on what's happening or if there's an issue with the kids, I'm extremely pissed off for the choices he's made. Other days, I feel pity for him and is stupid choices and am glad I'm no longer tethered to such stupidity. Like Tesla, I see him as a very sad figure who is going to drown in a pool of his own making. The guy can't get out of his own way. He's almost 50 so that won't improve over time. He is what he is - a weak, sad, depressed functional alcoholic who simply can't cope with anything bad that happens in life.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

If only I could insert a puc of a 5 yo boy throwing a tantrum

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

We were together for 27 years and would have been married 26 years at the end of this month ... And I can truly say that I never really knew him only the person he projected for me to know.

How do I view him now ... lost, pathetic, a person that never had any character or integrity. This is the person that he had always been but now I just see him without the projection of what I wanted to believe and what he wanted me to believe.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Physically: I can honestly say the last time I saw him caught me off guard. I was literally nauseous.

Emotionally: Nothing left there. Like others, I hope he does get help for himself but I just don't see that happening.

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2181 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I view him as:

-- An aging grey, fat late 40's man trying to hold on to his youth with a 20 something whore of a wife.

-- A sad excuse for a father

-- A person with an "its all about me" logic

I am so glad to be rid of him

DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

My ex was always in pretty good shape and looked young for his age. He was active and athletic and had a lot of energy.

This whole thing that definitely aged him a lot. He looks every bit of the 40-something he is. He looks tired. No life in his eyes. It's sad, really.

He became a stranger to me overnight in so many ways. I think that's partually my fault, though. I always looked at him and saw his potential. Not who he really was. But he never reached any of his potential and always had some excuse for why someone else was sabotaging him.

I will never date anyone again for who I think they can be. I will assume that what I see is what I'm getting...

Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2260 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

My ex is just someone that I used to know. That's it.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Helen of Troy
Member # 26419
Funny  Posted: 8:50 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I saw him in person last Thursday.
He has gained a lot of weight, and basically when he saw me he hung his head and looked at the floor.

I try not to view him at all mentally or in person.

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

He's "their dad".

I always believe that parenting and being a spouse are two different skill sets on at their core. He is and alwasy was an awesome dad. He is cool, yet commanding, and a total goof ball. The kind of dude that would tear a hamstring playing too hard with the kiddos.

However, parents dont necesarily have to be their kid's "team mate".

He sucks as a team player. And his current team is a complete clusterfuck at that.

I feel indifferent to him. I think he did a lot of screwed up stuff to me, but I don't wish any harm to him. I even hope he's able to figure his crap out and be happy someday.

^^^^ spot on

"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

He became a stranger to me overnight in so many ways. I think that's partually my fault, though. I always looked at him and saw his potential. Not who he really was. But he never reached any of his potential and always had some excuse for why someone else was sabotaging him.

I will never date anyone again for who I think they can be. I will assume that what I see is what I'm getting...

^^^^^this..once I owened that I too did that...everything really did get easier.

"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

She is a court-ordered couple of checks a month and a parasite.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I view him like a really rebellious 16 yr old. He doesn't take care of his responsibilities. He has impulse control issues. He wants to see the boys, but really babysits them more than parents. He gave up custody. He doesn't cook, he doesn't clean, he lives with whoever will take care of him, he doesn't keep jobs.

He basically does what he's told. If he's single he does what I tell him, when he isn't single I'm the meanest person on Earth and the source of all his problems and that's why he had to run away from home and he does whatever flavor of the week tells him to.

Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.

Posts: 4491 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I view him as a flawed character. I do not feel any old sentimental feelings or desire. I feel disgusted. I can no longer see what I saw in him.

He can NEVER look me in the eye. He says the strangest things. He repeats himself. I can tell he feels uncomfortable around me. It is really rather strange.

I don't hate him but I don't like him. I think we call that indifference!!! And I like that very much!!!!

BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I view him as my third child.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I now view him as an empty shell that needs to be filled by someone else. I propped him up and, looking back, managed his image for years. With me beside him, he was the competent family man who had it all. Many people commented on how great they thought our relationship was.

When he called me and whined the other night about how CommandOwife needed to be represented in my son's family pictures, it initially angered me. Now, though, I see it for what it is-- he now looks to her for cues on how to behave, and she's happily leading him around by the nose. I doubt if it ever occurred to him how undignified and downright whipped he sounded when he called me to blabber about how his sidepiece is now a part of DS's family. He honestly sounded like he had gotten in trouble-- like his "mommy" had yelled at him and was making him call me to put me in my place (which you didn't, you sad sack).

I agree with what others have said on here. If the next guy I meet looks to me to define him, we're done. He has to be able to stand on his own two feet and not look to our relationship to give him a persona. I'm done with that. The next time I manage someone's image will be when I change careers and start working in PR.

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, April 17th (Thursday)

How do I view my ex? Fortunately, we didn't have children together so I never have to view him in person. I've seen photos posted on my former sil's FB page and he looks "weird" in the photos. Lifeless eyes even though he's smiling, weird misshapen grin, hunched over. He looks like he has aged a decade in the three years. He looks ill...

What do I feel when I see these pictures? RELIEF!!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by better4me at 10:10 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52

Posts: 3213 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

My X-wh? Preferably in the crosshairs of a really awesome sight on a really, really awesome rifle.

Oh, that's not what you meant???

Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2787 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

As a walking disease. I do not want him on my property. I dislike taking things he hands me because I find the idea of touching his flesh in the process abhorrent.

Yuck, just yuck.
For the most part I am so happy not to view him in any way and I am thankful that the divorce made this possible.

There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1670 | Registered: Mar 2004
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

He is a sad, weak, pathetic, selfish, narcissistic sorry excuse for a man. He's an aging wanna-be college frat boy, almost 42 year old bartender that didn't get the memo that he's middle aged. He has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old complete with the temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. I am sad that my kids have to have him for a father and I am ashamed to know him. If he would kindly walk off the face of the earth the world would be a better place.

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 18th (Friday)

...through the scope of a 30 ought 6 if I had the choice.

All kidding aside, like so many here, I see him as a child throwing a tantrum. I have also seen pictures of him since his new marriage began and there is no life in his eyes. He has no hope left and again, this is by his choice.

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 18th (Friday)

A sick F*ck that only thinks of himself and leaves a trail of destruction wherever he goes.

Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2713 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, April 18th (Friday)

I view him as a deeply flawed and sad man. Except when I view him as a source of comic relief for you all.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25774 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 18th (Friday)

How do I view my ex?


This man gets to know he bailed on a promise and a vow.

This man gets to know the life he has built is built on the destruction of a promise he made with honor.

This man gets to raise 3 illegitimate kids with a woman knowing that she was willing to steal someone's husband to do so.

This man gets to know that he is viewed in society as a piece of shit for what he did to me.

This man gets to accept EVERY DAY that the vows he took with me and the promises he made to me were a joke. He gets to know that when he disgarded me, I went to a ditch and not a palace (FOR NOW). That realization has not fallen flat with him.

He knows he is a loser and a cheat. He knows that no matter what his 3 illegitmate brats grow up to believe about him, he IS and always WILL BE a loser.

That realization is enough for me.

Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23

Posts: 592 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Member # 38378
Content  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 25th (Friday)

I get out the Chlorox Wipes after he collects kids and wipe anything he was near.

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2291 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, April 25th (Friday)

Last time I saw XH I walked right past him and sat right behind him- I didn't recognize him till my kids acknowledged him. Even then I was like who's the old guy they're talking to?

XSO was just posted in a mutual friends Easter pic on FB, he looks the same, grayer. I haven't seen him in almost 2 years. Our friend ( older than him) looks about 10-15 years younger.

Feelings.... Meh!

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5284 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

Through a wide angle lens; he's gotten rather heavy

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

She's a bully that plays the victim.

Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 725 | Registered: Aug 2013
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

This does vary a bit depending on the day. But mostly, I simply do not recognize him; he is a stranger. Even physically, I don't recognize him-- his appearance has completely changed.

It's really odd to realize you've spent decades with someone you never knew on a deeper level than how he preferred his eggs.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8852 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

He once came to the house shortly after DDay and told me that "we need to talk", then didn't say anything for a few minutes. I thought to myself during that time that he looked like a sad puppy. But I quickly mentally corrected that to what I knew was the truth about him.

He is really a *sick* puppy who found willing women wherever he could, like Craigslist ads for casual, anonymous sex. And who M one slut but still had a dating profile online with messages from women that somehow showed up on my computer when I googled someone else, TWICE, searching different names months apart. And the second time they were new messages and the old ones had been read. I guess I should have tried to figure out his password.

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2388 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Topic Posts: 38