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User Topic: SO is saying I'm making a mistake by leaving him
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Because he's always wanted the best for me, encouraged me, and had my back.....i guess he doesn't' think anyone else can do the same without lying to me when it suits him....

He may feel that my reason for leaving is good enough but to me it is a huge reason..


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Because he's always wanted the best for me, encouraged me, and had my back.....
blah blah word salad

Your reasons don't have to pass some approval process with him. They are YOUR reasons. And that is all that matters.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25359 | Registered: Aug 2011
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Tank a NOW thats exactly what i said.... He said i will regret leaving him...the thing is i just want to be alone i want to worry about me for a change...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Of course he's going to say that - what else do you expect him to say?

Pure manipulation.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2230 | Registered: Feb 2010
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Whalers so true....he said that he will pay my car note and insurance for as long as i need him too... I really want a smaller vehicle like the Kia Optima so i can start paying everything myself... I hate that he has something over my head....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Then say no to the car thing. Go NC with him. You are right; you don't want him to have any power over you. Trust your gut on this one.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5487 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

One of the ways I got love-bombed by my ex was him pulling the "I know you better than you know yourself" card. I now know it's evil manipulation, designed to get you to doubt yourself and surrender your better judgment for theirs.

It's a trap. You need to GTF away from him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Thanks for your responses...

He called me this morning when i got to work... He was balling and asked me not to leave.... Normally he would text me but i guess he wanted me to hear him crying....he asked if we could talk after the cable guy leaves tonight... I said sure....

I'm a little dumb founded.....Each time i found out he lied to me i told him i was tired of his lies.. I also told him his lies will be the detriment of our relationship... so I'm not sure why he 's so surprised that i want to leave him....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

he asked if we could talk after the cable guy leaves tonight... I said sure....

Please, you just need to unplug the Hoover and put that shit in the closet.

He doesn't want to talk, he wants to guilt you into all the reasons why he needs you to stay.

I would be willing to bet my left arm, leg, and 3rd born that the converation will not consist of anything close to selfless apologies or heartfelt plans to change his actions to become a better person for you to be with.

Get off the ride girl, find one that is actually worth your time and energy - he has proven he is not the right one.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Sep 2012
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Thanks for your responses...

He called me this morning when i got to work... He was balling and asked me not to leave.... Normally he would text me but i guess he wanted me to hear him crying....he asked if we could talk after the cable guy leaves tonight... I said sure....

I'm a little dumb founded.....Each time i found out he lied to me i told him i was tired of his lies.. I also told him his lies will be the detriment of our relationship... so I'm not sure why he 's so surprised that i want to leave him....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

He called me this morning when i got to work... He was balling and asked me not to leave.... Normally he would text me but i guess he wanted me to hear him crying....he asked if we could talk after the cable guy leaves tonight... I said sure....

OMG. Okay. Just know in advance that some people use tears & sobs to manipulate. I didn't know this back then. So when my ex used these weapons I completely fell for them. I thought that if a M-A-N was sobbing so hard that snot & spittle were pouring from his nose & mouth, he must truly be having genuine feelings for me. Only that wasn't the truth. I simply wanted it to be.

Please don't be me.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Oops double post sorry...

Undefined & nature thanks for your response...

Undefined:I'm so not falling for any of this because he is full shit...lol....

Nature: he sound really sad... but what kind of woman would i be to stay with someone who i know has/is lying to me? Thats one of the things i I will say to him.....

I really do not want shack up with him anymore ...i want to be alone and do my own thing.... I do not feel a physical or emotional connection to him anymore....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

I hope you stay strong & maintain your resolve. I wasn't able to stay that strong, especially when he would start playing the suicide card while sobbing. "I guess I'm just such a complete fuck up, the world would be better off without me" would get me every. single. time.

Forewarned is forearmed. If I knew then what I know now, I would have and should have called 911 the first time he said that stuff to me & had the men in white coats take him away. Which is what you should do if he makes ANY kind of suggestion tonight that he shouldn't be alive. Don't even tell him first, just dial 911 and let the mental health professionals deal with him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

NH good ideal...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Nature: he sound really sad... but what kind of woman would i be to stay with someone who i know has/is lying to me? Thats one of the things i I will say to him.....

You'd be a wise woman to not care that he sounds sad. He's not letting you think for yourself or respecting your decisions.

Stop thinking you can set him straight. The new normal is "no more seeing each other." That should start immediately.

Manipulation is soooooo much easier in person. Don't even test yourself..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Forewarned is forearmed. If I knew then what I know now, I would have and should have called 911 the first time he said that stuff to me & had the men in white coats take him away. Which is what you should do if he makes ANY kind of suggestion tonight that he shouldn't be alive. Don't even tell him first, just dial 911 and let the mental health professionals deal with him.

THIS.

ex-asshat was the king of that as well. He was always threatening to drive off a cliff or some such. After months of this (we weren't S for the final time yet), I finally lost my cool and yelled at him "If you're going to do it, just do it already! The suspense is killing me!" Not my finest moment for sure but I was so beat up emotionally by that point, I couldn't take anymore.

One time, he stayed in bed and cried for 19 hours straight. Yes, NINETEEN. I really should have called 911 at that point but I didn't want to freak out the bunch, so I finally took them and left the house for a bit.

NC. Seriously. It's the only thing that will save you and your sanity.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15394 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

All these asshats say the same thing as we're walking out the door singing a happy tune and thanking our lucky stars that we're leaving.

Strangely enough, they're usually ALSO the same asshats in the beginning of a relationship that tell you, "I'M different. I'm not like all the other guys who screwed you over. You'll see."

My ass.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Thanks for the responses...

Butterflies: we still live together so i cant go no contact just yet....

OMG!! Nanners 19 hours of crying.. he cheated on you and now he wanted you to feel sorry for him? Woooow!!
I guess my SO really thought i was blowing smoke but as i told him before i can show him better than i can tell him....

I like the quote "forewarned is forearmed"....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Just let HIM talk. You don't have to defend yourself or respond to what he is saying. In fact, when he gets quiet and wants you to fill the gap, say...."are you done? Need to get some laundry done." Should show him how much you care about his views.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2966 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Thanks for you responses...
Moment: i wish i had read your response before we talked... Here's what happened:

i got back from the gym he was sitting on the couch after i showered and grabbed my food i asked him what did he want to talk about?....he started saying after our email exchange yesterday he started thinking about things and last night he couldn't really sleep then this morning it just hit him and he doesn't want me to leave..(tears) so i asked him what did he want me to do? I said you knew how i felt when you lied to me, i told you how it made me feel but you didn't care about how i felt...he said there are some things you found out and some things you didn't i did not want to upset you so i did't tell you...i told him i can take care of myself as i told you many of times you try to control the outcome instead of letting things happen.... I told him I'm a little surprised that you're crying because i told you your lying was going to be the detriment of our relationship....i told him he made me feel worthless when he lied to me about things that he didn't have to lie about ...i said you lied about the house being your but it isn't, his 3 sons having the same mother but they do not, having a chicken farm but you don't, his brother father was his biological father but he isn't,....

I told him i want to be by myself he asked why and i said i just do... I said i no longer want to shack up... He asked if i want to see someone else ... I said really... Don't try to put this on me i wouldn't mess over you and he said but you are messing over me because you won't give me another chance... I said i gave you plenty of chances so don't pull that with me ok....he got up and left the room, i thought he went to the restroom.. I waited about 10 minutes and walked to the back and he was in bed so i asked him is he finished talking and he said yes....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Can you sleep somewhere else from this point forward? Do you realize how entirely creepy it is that he seems to have decided that you don't get to break up with him?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

NG: he's not a violent person but he can be a bully some times but I'm not afraid of him... I'm a bit crazier than he is and he knows that..


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 21st (Monday)

My SO is begging and pleading with me and yes i find myself swaying a bit..we've been together over 4 years.. I really wished i had not opened my mouth until i had my ducks in a row and ready to walk away...he told me he wanted me to pay half the rent, and my car note and insurance...he said i had been taking advantage of him all these years by letting him pay my bills.... I reminded him that he asked me if he can help me in that way...I told him now he is trying to make it hard for me to leave him and this is what i expected so whatever...
I left and went to the gym and when i got back i told him that i would be looking into getting my own cell phone plan..

I've been sleeping on the couch since last week... Yesterday while i was in the living room with the TV off i could hear him crying but i did not go into the bedroom where he was....he comes out of the bedroom and asked what type of car note i wanted to pay and i said $350 and he said well i will pay 300 of your car note and you can pay the rest... I said to him i appreciate that..

to be clear our agreement when i got the car was he was buying it for me....I'm trying to trade it in for a smaller one and hopefully less money...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

He is into control. He is manipulating you to stay. He isn't concerned about your doubts and you need for space. Instead he crowds you and pushes you for what he wants. He isn't letting you breathe. Take a step back. Even if you don't leave have some personal time for yourself. Make him back off with the full court press.

Once he sees you cave in, he will be back to his old ways. He hasn't changed anything about himself to show you a different future. He is just responding to the challenge of getting you to stay and still having control.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2966 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Do not sway!! This guy is a manipulator. He is the guy who says "it will never happen again"

Believe Maya Angelou - when someone shows you who they are believe them.


I would also get any financials etc in writing. It is as simple as shooting him an email asking him to acknowledge the conversation and agreements.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Thanks moment $ undec

You hit the nail on the head he's definitely controlling and manipulative....we've had a ton of conversations over the last few days...he sent me a text yesterday asking me to come back to the bedroom because he misses having someone to hug... I told him its funny he would say he miss hugging me when he hardly ever touches me when we are in bed, except of course when you are horny which is probably whats going on now.... He quickly responded " the last time i tried to touch your breast you asked me what was i doing.. i told him once again you are missing the point (we are talking about two diff things)...then he goes on to say he loved me and thought i loved him too....on and on. Then when he wasn't getting anywhere with me he finally said if you want to go just go I'm not gonna beg you anymore.....

I feel smothered around him its like he watches everything i do .... I need lots of space...

I have an appt on fri to check out an apt...
Wish me luck....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

I walked into the bedroom this morning to go to the closet and he was sleeping on my side of the bed....i guess that was for my benefit....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 27