SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: To quote Abbondad- the shit is about to get real
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, April 18th (Friday)

I'm breathing in and out.

Yesterday I met with DD's counselor for the first time since her most recent suicide attempt/hospitalization. We were talking about how things have been going in the house with WH, his poor behavior during her hospitalization and so on.

Suddenly she says,"I'm not comfortable with WH having unsupervised visitation with DD.".

Oh fuck. That's exactly what went through my mind.

I was having the same thoughts, but thought I was just being the bitchy BS. Apparently not.

This is going to be so bad. I can't figure out what the safest scenario is for telling him. I don't feel safe doing it on my own. Even if we do it with the counselors or attorneys I still have to go home with him.

I had to miss my counseling appt this week because of the kids' appts, so haven't been able to talk with my IC about it yet.

I know my DD will be ok with it, she just wants him out of the house. IC says she doesn't feel like DD is safe with anyone but me at this point.

I don't know what to do. I've dropped my L a FYI email. I'm wondering if we can just put in something like "visitation with DD per the recommendations of her mental health professional." ...or something. I SO don't want to have to do custody eval and all that shit. It will just drag everything out. We are trying not to go to court.

Please tell me it's going to be ok.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 18th (Friday)

OMG.

I will not succumb to a panic attack right now.

I will not.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, April 18th (Friday)

(((((nekorb & DD)))) It's going to be ok, honey.

I really hope your L is able to craft this in a way that it isn't a huge fight, but you should be prepared to do the parental evaluation - or anything else it may take - to make sure your DD's best interests are represented and acted upon.

Sending you strength.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25049 | Registered: Aug 2011
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 18th (Friday)

It's going to be okay.
I know it doesn't seem like it now.
But it will be.

So...deep breath...

Tell L to do whatever needs to be done. I know you want to stay out of court. But fuck that. You know your DD and her needs trump staying out of court. Unfortunately, sometimes the path to the best outcome for the innocents takes us upstream through shit creek. I've got a set of chest high waders you can use.

And for goodness' sake, you do not need to tell WH this. The mental health professionals can handle that...you take their recommendation to the L and tell them you want this recommendation to be followed in custody and visitation arrangements.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4610 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 18th (Friday)

(((nekorb)))

Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 18th (Friday)

(((hugs)))

It will be ok.

You do not have to tell him anything right now. Until he is actually out of the house then there is not need to discuss visitation with him. If he tries to bring it up, then brush him off and say that you need to focus on day-to-day until DD is out of danger.

When the time comes, ask the counselor to tell him. He will be more receptive to a professional than you. He may balk at it and disagree completely, but it will be mush less dramatic if it comes from a counselor.

How old is you DD? If she is over 14 you can ask that the court document specifies that she can decide if she wants visitation or not. And then you protect her from his manipulations. You ARE the Mama Bear! NO ONE is allowed to hurt your cub, not even the father.

You are living a special kind of hell right now between your manipulative stbx, in house S, and your DD's mental health. Hang on. You have been so strong and you need to continue to be strong. It will get better once stbx is out of the house and DD is on the road to recovery. Until then, pull strength from anywhere you can and know that we are always here for you.

(((more hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
DepressedDaddy
Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 18th (Friday)

I'm sending you good positive vibes!

Be there for your DD. Stay strong! Don't give up and don't let your WS have the pleasure of getting to you. You deserve so much more.

The counselor can testify with recommendations, or draft a letter to the court with those recommendations. Use the counselor to help get what you need.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 709 | Registered: Dec 2013
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, April 18th (Friday)

When the time comes, ask the counselor to tell him. He will be more receptive to a professional than you. He may balk at it and disagree completely, but it will be mush less dramatic if it comes from a counselor.

Plus you will have third party professional documentation if he goes ape shit on you/them.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Jan 2010
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, April 18th (Friday)

Thank you!

It's just all overwhelming sometimes....then the uncertainty...trying to balance giving DD some space and privacy yet keeping her safe,etc, etc.

I'm so tired of being afraid of his reactions. I shouldn't have to have anxiety because he sent me a text messages ran email. It just continually feels like I'm being attacked. Then, he comes home after work and acts completely normal, like nothing has happened and he didn't act like an ass all day long via text.

I don't get it.

I will see what the L says and go from there.

Thanks for the support. It really does help. I've just had kind of a crap day with lots of triggers!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 18th (Friday)

It just continually feels like I'm being attacked.

Because you are. This is a form of emotional abuse.
Don't text him back when he starts doing this. Try to be as NC as possible. It's not always going to be possible, given DD's situation, but apply it when you can. It will help give peace of mind not having to walk on eggshells.
(((nekorb)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, April 18th (Friday)

When it comes to your DD, channel this creature:

When it comes to all other reasons to communicate, channel this:


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9529 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, April 19th (Saturday)

You're so funny NG. I needed that.

I just got finished doing a thorough check of DD's browsing history on her laptop. I see some additional issues that are going to have to be addressed and they are going to need addressing in the decree as well.

I've sent WH an email outlining what I found.

Must sleep...


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, April 19th (Saturday)

Nekorb, you have all the reasons you have ever needed to get this man away from you and your kids, especially DD. At this point, it's essential that you show them that you can all rebuild a family life... away from him. Your DD 'just wants him out of the house' and a professional caring for her wants no unsupervised visits?

You have said you can't make him leave. That has always sounded strange to me... because after all he's openly in another relationship so surely he must be desperate to go?

If you REALLY can't, then please please consider finding a place (even a tiny, temporary one) and moving you and your kids out of there until the divorce is settled. You can't possibly give DD the safe environment she needs to heal (and you too) while he's coming and going from your life in a cloud of OW perfume. And WHY not just try not emailing or texting him at all?

As others have said, you really need to put your 'Mama Bear' head on here. Forget all the 'missing him' stuff... this is an emergency.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 860 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, April 19th (Saturday)

And WHY not just try not emailing or texting him at all?

I only email about kid stuff, scheduling, financials, or D. No chit chat, no socializing or friendly stuff etc. Unfortunately, with three kids and the issues we are having with DD, a lot of communication is necessary. Plus we are still negotiating the D settlement.

I have been helping him pack (so that it will get done) and have to say I've been pretty proud of myself for keeping convo related to who gets what, etc.

Yeah- it's completely bizarre that I can't force him out of here isn't it? I've asked my L, DD's doctors, and no one has been able to help. WH hasn't DONE anything to DD (physical abuse etc - thankfully!), so there is nothing I can do. His L has told him to stay put, of course.

I just want it to be finished and know that I can take care of my kids and be available for DD.

I'm going to make it. I am. God has seen fit to put before me every situation I never thought I'd survive. He clearly has faith in me. I'm surviving!!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 19th (Saturday)

I'm surviving!!
Absolutely! You are so strong, nekorb. It may not feel like it to you, but you are tenacious and resilient. It shows through in your every post, even when you aren't feeling strong. You've got this.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25049 | Registered: Aug 2011
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 19th (Saturday)

I think you may want to only communicate with the therapist/counselor at this point any additional issues to do with your daughter. The less he learns from you the better, IMHO.

Posts: 137 | Registered: Feb 2013
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, April 19th (Saturday)

Therapists will say a lot to your face that they will never commit to a legal deposition.

Unless the counselor is ready to put in a legally usable document, a few grains of salt may be in order here.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

Merlin -

Can you please expand on what a "grain of salt" would be in this situation? I'm just not following/getting what it is you mean.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

What he means is that experts are very careful when it comes to written reports and oral testimony. Their professional stature is on the line and they will be hesitant to "go out on a limb." I believe he meant that the therapist sounded tougher to you than he/she might write down on paper or testify to.

[This message edited by crisp at 12:38 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 372 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

Crisp nailed it and better than I could.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

From what I have heard, therapists are loathe to go to court to be torn up by "opposing counsel".

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Aug 2010
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

Crisp nailed it and better than I could.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

Thanks for the clarification. She already told me she wouldn't go to court because it's damaging to the therapeutic relationship, but that she is willing to write a letter.

Has anyone had a guardian ad litem appointed while doing a dissolution vs divorce? Is there some other option for accountability?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

Guardian ad litem may or may not helps. 'Family court' is supposed to do everything in the interest of children.

But that is a joke. It's comes down to money (sad & funny because lawyers and judges are innumerate).

Our children's interests were all but ignored in our divorce despite court-ordered psych evaluations of them and us and a mountain of stuff that said clearly that my now ex-w was not right.

A guardian is supposed to help. But like all the other actors in 'the system' they are creatures of the court.

Non compos mentis.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

If you can avoid involving paid court professionals, so much the better. You would be astounded & horrified at the way paid court professionals utterly ignore facts, expressed wishes of older children, therapeutic opinions from licensed counseling professionals, and everything else that's convincing. Not to say they all do, because they don't. Only that you should NOT assume a GAL will see things the way you & the rest of the world does.

Start with the letter from the therapist. Include letters from the doctors at the hospital. See if that is enough.

You are very, very close to crossing a threshold and entering the nightmare realm. Please tread carefully. I am not the only parent here who has had to defend herself from accusations of parental alienation.

http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/1.html
http://www.thelizlibrary.org/site-index/site-index-frame.html

https://abatteredmother.wordpress.com/2011/04/14/mothers-under-siege-tactics-of-the-fathers-rights-movement-how-can-a-good-enough-mother-protect-herself/

http://www.momlogic.com/2010/01/custody_crisis_why_mothers_are_punished_in_family_court.php



Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9529 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

Catastrophizing still NG?

No one has said a word about child abuse or battered mothers here.

A therapist has expressed concern about a child spending time with her father, reason unspecified. Do you know something else?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

Catastrophizing still NG?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Do you mean am I seeing elements of potential danger in what is happening to Nekorb and her daughter and am sharing with her links and experience that might give her helpful information? Is that what you mean? Do you mean I'm bringing up uncomfortable ideas and topics that are not often mentioned or discussed but might be relevant to Nekorb's situation? Do you mean the fact that my words of support to Nekorb reflect my disgust & anger at her husband and how he is treating her & her daughter? Do you mean my words of support to Nekorb that reflect my divorce experience and the divorce experiences of women I actually know & have talked to in real life might be because I see elements of we have gone through represented in the tale Nekorb is sharing? And that is catastrophizing? Somehow something I share is somehow so much worse-case scenario than what other people share?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9529 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

.

[This message edited by Merlin at 7:37 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

Yes, catastrophizing.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
GreatRoleModel
Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

Merlin
I know we don''t have the father''s version here, but nekorb''s child''s therapist does and for them to give the advice/warning to nekorb I think is valid to work from. That being said, I think NG is giving solid advice especially with the first step of submitting current therapist and hospital notes and recommendations before taking a very long and winding road that NG has personal experience with and should not be dismissed and ridiculed.

You and NG are both entitled to give your opinion and relate your experiences. The same "Catastrophizing" could be said for your post also but no one has.

Just my take.

[This message edited by GreatRoleModel at 6:19 PM, April 19th, 2014 (Saturday)]


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 315 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, April 19th (Saturday)

Hi everyone -

Thanks for ALL of the insight and opinions. You never know what tidbit is going to stick in your mind or ring a bell in a specific moment.

My goal is to stay out of court. I know that's WH's goal as well. I'm hoping the therapist will present this in such a way that he will just agree to comply with the safety plan and to allow DD to visit or not visit as she is comfortable.

But in the end, her safety is my priority. I know that no matter what he feels or doesn't feel for me, that *somewhere* in there is a father who loves his children deeply. I'm hoping that guy steps forward and does what is right for his daughter instead of what is right for himself.

Thanks again everyone!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, April 20th (Sunday)

Nekorb, from my own experience here... your children are old enough - and DD is 17, no (?) to not need a court to order anything. The therapist's advice is really for YOU to take note of... I'm going to be gentle here, but I think your focus needs to be on providing a stress-free (and that means WH-free) home for your kids. I'm still hearing someone who hopes to persuade her WH into behaving better. And meanwhile the real issue here - that there's a girl who needs to have a calm home environment without her dad around - can't be solved until he leaves. I'll say something else, too... I found this hard as hell but I'm at peace with it now... once you're divorced and he doesn't live with you, THEIR relationship with him may improve. It will take time, yes, but that is generally what happens. It's just that in future their relationship with him - and you - won't involve the other parent. The only thing you need to fix here is something that you really can fix... providing DD with the peace and space she needs to heal.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 860 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, April 20th (Sunday)

Yes! My plan is definitely to have a calm, centered, safe place for my kids.

I agree that once he moves out their relationships will improve. Although DS seems to be fairing pretty well in that department already. But the girls - they need some time and space away from him.

I know I can't alter WH's behavior. If that was possible we would have been in true R a long time ago and OW would be a distant memory!

I just want to get the agreement negotiated with as little upheaval as possible, get it done quickly, and stay out of court (that "quickly" item comes into play here!).

Every now and them WH gets on a rant and say we are going to have to go to court to settle xyz. I remind him neither of us wants to do that.

Part of the problem, is that my WH is naive about what division of assets looks like/entails. The other part of the problem is that it doesn't seem his attorney has figured that out yet, so hasn't explained things to him. So he constantly thinks I'm trying to screw him. I'm not. Just one more thing that would be so much easier to navigate if he wasn't living in the house. We could have our moments of anger over the negotiations in private!

:::sigh:::

It's all so exhausting.

[This message edited by nekorb at 7:12 AM, April 20th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 20th (Sunday)

Yes, catastrophizing.
Given what is happening with the 17 year old child's suicide attempts, I think there is a catastrophe currently occurring.

I see/fear what Nature_Girl sees, too. I worry and pray for Nekorb's child.

once you're divorced and he doesn't live with you, THEIR relationship with him may improve. It will take time, yes, but that is generally what happens.
It doesn't always happen. Sometimes things get worse. I'm hoping that good things happen in Nekorb's family.

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Aug 2010
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 20th (Sunday)

once you're divorced and he doesn't live with you, THEIR relationship with him may improve. It will take time, yes, but that is generally what happens.

^^^^ I agree with Crazynot's statement here. My DS was 16 when shit hit the fan, and he wanted nothing to do with his father. I used to tell DS, this has nothing to do with you and dad still loves you the same, and you need to respect him still.

I told my IC this, and she told me off. She said, "you are not honoring DS's feelings right now, if he wants to be mad at him and not talk to him, that is what DS needs to heal, but you stay out of it completely" I did from that point on. Their relationship only improved once he moved out, little by little.

Yes, listen to the therapists and your DD. The only thing you can do is provide that safe peaceful place for your DD, I just hope that your STBXH will really listen to the therapist and move out ASAP, I mean it could be 2-3 months before he settles on his condo!!!


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 20th (Sunday)

That's exactly what my therapist told me. My daughter was absolutely devastated by WH's infidelity (and especially as OW was someone who had befriended her specially), and my son outraged. When he left, they both said they'd never speak to him again. I found this almost too much to bear, and blamed myself, talked to therapist about it who wisely told me not to belittle this for them and to let them work it out between THEM. That did, eventually happen. Now they visit him on their own and have a good time (they still won't be in the presence of OW, and he honours that). In this situation there are no winners, but the one who lost most in our family was WH.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 860 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 36