I could use the collective wisdom of the SI family. I'm not even sure this is the right forum. This is long but I think the background is important
My SO's DD14 is having some major issues.
She moved in with us right before Christmas with her mother's consent (MY SOs XWW). We are just getting ready to change the custody agreement. My SO and his XWW have an AWFUL relationship so we don't expect it to go smoothly.
The reason SO's DD14 moved in with us was escalating issues with her mother and stepfather. We were witnesses via telephone to horrible outbursts by both but in particular the step father. DD14 refused to go home after Christmas vacation and still refuses to be in the same place with her stepfather.
She is also incredibly angry with her mother. My SO and I insisted that she see her mom a couple of times after she moved in here. She had coffee with her 3X. At the request of DD14, I sat in the parking lot so I was close by while they visited.
She has been increasingly refusing to see her mother. Its now been 2 months. Her mother has begun pushing the issue. Yesterday her mother insisted that she was going to come and pick her up from school on Monday. That will be an epic disaster. Legally we can't prevent it.
We have never gotten the whole story on why DD14 is so angry with her mother. Last night it came out that her mother has told her multiple times that "she wishes she was never born" and "that she should've had an abortion" among other things. She's been smacked in the face as well.
DD14 had a history of cutting while living with her mother starting about age 12. This was revealed to her IC about a year ago. Last night she confessed to have cut yesterday. This is the first episode since she's moved in here. She has an IC appointment on Monday.
DD14 has been in my life for 3 years now. It has been a bit rocky from time to time. There have definitely been periods when I did not like her one little bit. However, in the last 6 -9 months we've been doing well. I've been steady and consistent with her for the last 3 years no matter how annoyed I was and think she's finally comfortable. Last night she said that I've been more of a mom in the last 3 years than hers has in 14 year. I know some of that is the anger of a 14 year old but it made me really sad and hurt for her. Its just not OK what she's dealing with.
So the question for the collective wisdom of SI is twofold 1. She is 14 how likely is that a court would require visitation with her mother? There is no documentation of abuse. We have hired a guardian ad litem to represent her. Does anyone have experience in this age group?
2. If there is any hope of keeping this peacefull while drafting the new agreement, terminating visitation right now won't work. On the other hand I'm so worried about DD14 right now, I don't want to make her go. We aren't in a solid legal position to stop visitation since the old agreement is still in effect. But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler