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Just Found Out
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Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

I just found out about my H EA on April 17th and I am looking for some support. I had ideas something was up but when he left his facebook chat open after he left for work I discovered the truth. He had been flirting and talking with a girl he works with. I also found love notes he wrote to her in his phone. I am experiencing all kind of emotions today. We have our first C apt tomorrow and I am eager to see how it goes. I confronted the girl via message as soon as I discovered it and of course she down played it. I honestly don't know how I replied to her but today I have an overwhelming need to message her again letting her know I think she is full of it! Anyway Im new to this and don't know how it works so feel free to ask away. We have been married for 17 years I am 42 and he I 49. We began having problems about a year ago and I basically put my head in the sand to it all.. I kind of lost a zest for life and we began to drift apart. I know that doesnt excuse what he did he should have come to me, but at least I have a starting point.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

Kisa,
Just wanted you to know that you have been heard. You are starting on a long, painful journey, but someone will always be here to listen and talk to you. So, so, sorry you are in such pain, but we all know how much it hurts and will try to help you. Keep posting and read the healing library articles. That will help a lot. Hugs...


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1276 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but know you're in the right place.

EA's hurt just as bad as any other type of infidelity.

It's not unusual for the WS or even the AP to downplay the affair. If I were you I would keep digging. If you found FB chats and love notes on his phone there could be more. I hope for your sake there isn't more.

Keep posting, it helps.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5836 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, but you have come to a great place for support.

Gently, your story reminds me a lot of how mine started out. Please protect yourself and hold off on sex until you have irrefutable proof that it's only EA. My FWH is completely remorseful now and has done a lot of work, but it took a while for him to admit to a PA and my health was potentially at risk the whole time. This May or may not apply to you, but remember that you are not obliged to accept is verbal "reassurances" a his phase in the game.

Take care of yourself - read through our healing library, and keep posting. Weekends are slow, and holiday weekends can be very quiet, but more members will be along soon to offer support. We are here for you. Sending big hugs.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16445 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

Thank you Kansas!!! It is painful and not a pain I would wish on anybody. I was doing so well and feeling so strong Fri and Saturday then today not so much. We have 2 daughters who are 20 and 15 . Although he has taken responsibility for what he has done I don't feel like I am getting any understanding or empathy from him. I'm not sure if it's bc it's still so new or maybe him trying to come with terms that he what he did was wrong . I don't know, all I know is that the flashback of images I read come at the oddest times. Going to sleep at night sucks and so does waking up to the reality that this happened . He is a police officer so it's even harder bc if he gets tied up on something he won't make it home his normal time. I have asked that he call and so far he has but it doesn't stop the doubt . Thank you for your encouraging words

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

Thank you every one for the welcome I have already done some reading before I even registered.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

I don't feel like I am getting any understanding or empathy from him. I'm not sure if it's bc it's still so new or maybe him trying to come with terms that he what he did was wrong .
This happens frequently. It happened to me and I know how hard it is to look into your H's eyes and see... nothing. *sigh*

OW works with him? Is she another officer or is she dispatch or some other administrative position? If he's in daily contact with her, it's going to be really tough for him to come out of what we call "the fog". As long as that's going on, it will be nearly impossible for him to show empathy to you.

Read through all of the topics on this page:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

Keep posting. I'm sorry you had to find us, but we'll help you through this and we're all living proof that you WILL survive this. Welcome to SI.


Posts: 11403 | Registered: Mar 2008
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

No he doesn't work with her on a daily basis. He works an extra job at a bank where she is a tellar. So he only has to see her once a week for about an hour . I would love for him to leave this job but it's just not financialy feesable at this time.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

Don't give her the satisfaction of contacting her again.

Good luck with your spouse!

Hopefully this is a simple fix.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 314 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Virginia
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

"We began having problems about a year ago and I basically put my head in the sand to it all.. I kind of lost a zest for life and we began to drift apart. I know that doesnt excuse what he did he should have come to me, but at least I have a starting point."

****************************

Affairs don't usually happen in a vacuum. There are usually some issues in the marriage, I know there were in mine. But a bit of caution here. He needs to rebuild your trust and you need to believe he is serious about reconcilliation before you can start dealing with those issues. He needs to know that no matter what was going on in your marriage that it was wrong, wrong, wrong, to have an affair.

Then can begin the painful journey of taking responsiblity for some of the problems in your marriage. I always tell my husband, Yes, I was partially responsible for you not being happy, but you took the wrong path to fix it. He took the easiest and most fun path. Path of least resistance and let the fantasy begin.

Now, looking back, he realizes that the path he took harmed everyone concerned. That was not his intention, but that is what affairs do.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1276 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, April 21st (Monday)

You hit the nail on the head!!! I had almost that same conversation last night with him! At this point I feel like he doesn't get what I'm feeling even though he says he does . I have a tendency to obsess over things and replay them in mind and let the thoughts take over and then I turn to him looking for answers and comfort . I'm still so confused bc it's so new I find myself repeating things . I think I'm looking for that one magical answer that doesn't exist . What he has done has effected our entire household and while I am busy staying strong and reassuring our girls that no matter what we will all be okay he is worried about how much damage this has cost the girls and he should be worried but he doesn't handle multi tasking all that well lol!! Thanks for all the support our first MC appt is this morning at 9 I don't know how it will go but I'm hopeful !thanks again it's nice to have a place where people understand these feelings!!

[This message edited by Kisabiotch at 6:17 AM, April 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 21st (Monday)

Well our first MC is done and I was expecting to feel better but I think I feel worse. I just want to run and keep running. I'm so confused . I just want this to all go away I want to be alone I want to cry I don't want to feel anything anymore if I can't feel happiness. God this sucks!!

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, April 21st (Monday)

Everyone's situation is different, but, I would not bother with MC till my H had a good deal of work with IC FIRST.

If you believe the premise that it takes two healthy people to build a healthy relationship, well, then it doesn't make much sense working on the relationships until you feel comfortable that the two individuals are emotionally healthy, or at least working in that direction.

In my experience, as WS is not healthy individual. Whatever the WS thinks their problems are or were, an A is not healthy way to cope with said problems, whether they be individual or in the relationship. So, until the WS can get some solid work done in that direction, what I would expect to hear is a bunch of fog-speak, blame-shifting, minimizing and justifying. Not exactly productive tools to bring to MC.

Just my 2 cents, no charge


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3586 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 21st (Monday)

You know he didn't really do any of that ! He has taken ownership of what he did and the pain it caused it was just hearing what has gone wrong and the reality of it hitting me that sucked so bad. To think the issues before the A could be what destroys the marriage and not the A is hard for me to grasp.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Sad  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 21st (Monday)

Well, the A is the nuke bomb to the M, for sure.

But why did he engage in an A? What did he get out of it? Why did he not turn to you for that? What did he tell himself that made it ok? Has he always been a liar, or is this an isolated incident? If this was the "perfect storm" as some folks like to blame the A on, what will he do the next time the storm blows through?

The A is a symptom of the problem in the WS, that symptom causes devastation to the M, no doubt about it, but it all starts with a broken WS.........


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3586 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 21st (Monday)

I don't know ! I'm so hurt I am going back at 1 for IC bc I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now. I mean how do u let go of the one u love when u still love him? I honestly don't feel like I have the strength to handle these emotions . I know I don't have choice but giving up seems so much easier

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Hey Kisabiotch, hello! Listen. Try to slow down. Try to breathe. Here''s the thing. You do not have to make one darn decision right now. Not one. You don''t have to decide if you want to R or not. You don''t have to decide if you want to separate or not. You don''t have to decide if you want to divorce or not. You don''t have to decide right now, at this point in time. All you have to do, is concentrate on yourself. On breathing in and out. On seeing your IC. On taking care of your children. You have no moral imperative to decide a darned thing until you''re able to. Right now, it''s as if you are in the ICU with a gunshot wound to the head. Now is the time to stabilize and stop the bleeding. Later is the time to decide if you cosmetic surgery to reshape your nose, ok? One step at a time.

We''re here for you! (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, April 21st (Monday)

For what it's worth, in my experience, a WH's A taints everything about his M, even pre-A. He may be owning his stuff, but he might still be foggy enough to be re-writing your M--if only to make himself feel better for making the horrible decision that he may (or may not) know that he made. Does that make any sense?

A marriage built on love and with two people committed to making it work can survive just about anything, even infidelity, and thrive. So don't feel too dejected and demoralized about this first MC session. Anything he might have said about how bad your M was/is could have been magnified by multiple factors. The things my husband said . . . Well, it's unbelievable to me that a man as intelligent as he is could have come to those conclusions.

After he confessed to his A, our congregation paid for a handful of MC sessions with my IC--just to stop the bleeding. It DID work. If nothing else, she got him to commit to 6 months of working on the M before making any sort of decision. And since he'd been foggily planning to leave, that hiatus was important. It allowed him to detox and me to stop reeling/panicking. Both of us are in IC; we've not started MC yet although that's definitely a step to take once he's more healed.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 6:19 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
12yearsloyal
Member
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Skan had a great post here. I agree with everything said. Now is no time to make final decisions on any direction. Just let the fog clear and go from there. I am so new to this and I have just gone thru 40 days of this stuff. I am more clear now than I was 20, 30 days ago. You don't need to rush or commit to anything right now, just collect your thoughts. We are here for you.


"What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?"

Posts: 137 | Registered: Apr 2014
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Thank you all so much for the kind words and advice!! I know at this point I need to focus on one day at a time and not look to the future . I do believe my H carries a lot of emotional baggage that he needs to work on in IC. I need to breath and think positive .

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

You just keep coming back for support. We all got your back! (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Thank you!! Each day brings new emotions I was all about R yesterday but today I don't know if I can or want to. I just keep going back and realizing that the past few months have all been a lie and how do I get over that ? I hate this so much

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Rippedsoul: Is so spot on. We didn't start MC till 17 months into R. Up to that point I was doing IC. WH...none of that, but that didn't stop me from doing a shit load of questioning and educating myself and questioning again.

His reasons and ideas about the A and our M are so different today, then they were on D-day and the months that followed. Hell, even for the months prior to the full-fledged EA.

Yeah, there were things that could have been worked on before the A that were weak in our M.
More communication, more time spent together, and being less child centered.

However, what makes a person have an A...was there in that person way before you came along. It IS all about the broken WS. Their level of integrity, their level of honor, their level of commitment, their morality, their lack of self-confidence/esteem, their selfishness, their bad coping skills, their hunger for excitement, their sense of entitlement, their ability to justify anything to get what they want, their need for instant gratification, and so much more. But above all-their selfishness. I bet looking back, you may discover that it was always like that in your relationship. Are you a giver? Has he always been a taker?


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

BTW: I would journal his responses and thoughts. I wish I had since D-day. Then you can go back and use it as reference for healing and understanding.

The spouses tend to forget what they said on D-day and after as they come out of their fog. Then they throw their hands up in the air and wonder why we are having such a hard time with it all.

Just let him know you are doing it. No secrets. This way it doesn't seem like you are keeping score.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

That's great advice I'm just confused on how I heal and move forward if I can't stop thinking about it. Today I just want to sleep and be alone but I'm making myself work and fighting back tears. I don't think he is where I am or understands the hurt I'm going through maybe he doesn't even care I don't know.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Have him read some of the things in the healing library to help him understand the impact.

It took that, me leaving him one day (Dear John style), and the outing to family members (he heard from someone else's point of view how horrible he acted) to finally get it.

Try not to stop the thoughts. Let them come. Process them. Just make sure that you continue to live at the same time. The goal is to not get over it. You never will. The goal is to live with it. Learn from it and move on with your life. Unfortunately this is your life. Your marriage. You can rage against it and the injustice of it all, but it will never change.

It is true what we all say. Only time and answers heal the wounds.

Oh, and the hard work of fWS as well. You just have to let them know here and there that their hard work and good behavior do make a difference or these selfish fWS may just give up from disappointment that it just isn't happening fast enough. They get discouraged easily.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

How is all this achieved when he isn't even sure if he loves me anymore. What do we work on first? He says he is willing to try but if he is focused on moving forward and trying to make that connection again and I am focused on the A don't those two things kind of clash?

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

My H didn't want to "focus on the past". Just wanted to look ahead and go forward because actually having to look at what he did was way to uncomfortable for him. With it all lying bare, his justifications looked really lame and he knew it.

For me, there was a flag on the play. I needed to stop the clock and review the tape. It's a necessity to be able to process everything that you have learned. It's definitely a clash but, that's why you keep hearing that you need to focus on you. Do what YOU need to do for YOU. Now is the time you take care of what you need to do. IMHO, his needs shouldn't even be a factor right now. He has been busy making sure his were met without any consideration for you.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 656 | Registered: Apr 2013
Kisabiotch
Member
Member # 43175
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Outtanowhere
Omg your post just hit me like a brick to the head lol. I have never focused on myself I have always put everyone else's needs and wants before mine. I honestly don't know how to focus on me! I'm sure there is a book for that lol!! I can see my husband being the exact way. I don't know where our marriage is going but I will make dang sure I am taking care of me from this point on.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2014
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

My H didn't want to "focus on the past". Just wanted to look ahead and go forward because actually having to look at what he did was way to uncomfortable for him. With it all lying bare, his justifications looked really lame and he knew it.

For me, there was a flag on the play. I needed to stop the clock and review the tape.

Same with us. It isn't always rugsweeping. My husband lives in the here and now. I am the type that focuses on the future. If my future feels unsafe, then I focus on why. Which of course is because of the past.

Our present is fantastic, but I can't always see that. The past overshadows it. I can't fix that. I can't retrain my brain to be a here and now girl.

So, I did the next best thing. I focused on me. I will never be that naive giver again. His happiness is not what I strive to give. I focus on my dreams. My wants and making connections with a load of other mothers that are where I am at this point in my life. Joined MOPs.

Think about that one passion you put on hold, and pursue it. Live for yourself,God (if that is something you believe in), and your children. Focus on building yourself into a person full of grace and mercy.

Don't worry about the relationship. Do the 180. Move on in your life as if you were single again. Just don't become a madhatter.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 10:34 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 922 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 30