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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Help me problem solve ?
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Question  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

It's owife. I need your advice and suggestions on how to deal. I've journaled and other stuff about this issue for awhile now and keep coming up blank.
Backstory:
It's been nearly four years. She was one of several OW in last year of my long term marriage. Xwh and I have three kids one is an adult now and the other two are teens. Middle teen is in jr year of high school, so one more year until she ages out of CS, leaves home, etc. When oldest kid aged out of CS, xwh thought CS would decrease and it increased by more than double. Owife cannot stand this.
Problems:
Owife tries to convince my kids that I am dangerous, unstable, dishonest and generally a bad person. Most of the time they don't believe it, but when they do their thoughts become distorted. Middle dd can't wait to move out and is counting the days. I'm still not sure what I have done to bring on this attitude?
She discusses exact $ amounts with the kids about CS and other adult financial issues between me and their father.
She is trying to convince my two teens that she will have this house we currently live in (great,buy me out I'm ready) but will raise middle dd and youngest dd through high school so they can keep living here. Basically she isn't content with having xwh (ew! gag! I've well gotten over him he is disgusting to me)but has to try to turn my kids against me, not only that - now wants my home WITH my kids in it. dd wants me to give up custody to dad. I am certain he doesn't want it! he didn't even ask at the divorce, when it was time for CS increase it had to be written in there that he would exercise the majority of his time sharing. Owife wants it. She absolutely hates that he has to pay me. Too damn bad bitch I didn't make these dollar amounts, the state did based on a formula.
Now people say ignore her. Well I do. She tries to email me now and then to tell me what a horrible mother I am being and the correct way to parent my kids and to shame and humiliate me. I never reply to her, and report her to her internet service provider for unwanted contact and harassment, and keep it in my file about him and her. She writes nasty notes on snail mail and packages to my kids. "Not for HoT to open!!!" and stupid things like that. She also refuses to use my last name which is still married last name, even after polite correction to xwh. She won't write it on envelopes or checks addressed to me.
I can keep ignoring but every time there is "revenge" to be had by her she makes false calls to child protective services.
I am powerless to do anything about these calls that have all been proven false/no danger. Even the social worker acts bored and annoyed each time she has to come to my home. Owife knows this rattles and terrifies me having this happen (who wouldn't? an agency can take away your kids and ruin your reputation all based on allegations) Also she doesn't even live in the same town and only sees the kids once a month. LAst time one allegation was that my house smelled strongly of marijuana. Ok I don't smoke pot no one smokes in here and at least that I know of owife has never been in my house.
XWh is completely emasculated by her who runs the show. Not that he isn't a total asshole which brings me to my next problem. (I've blocked owife's # from my kids phones that I pay for) Xwh constantly interferes in our lives through texts to the kids asking what we are eating for dinner, about my personal life, etc. I cannot block him because he will scream that it says in the MSA that either parent cannot block communication with kids. He tried to say that he should have 24 hour access but I shut that shit down saying school nights phones go off and if there is an emergency they can ask to use mine. He goes on to say they may not feel comfortable asking me because they're "afraid" of me and other garbage. So he's blocked late night but other times I can't because he bullies me. Meanwhile when they visit him they ignore my calls and texts, saying thta it would "hurt" feelings if they contacted me while visiting dad. WTf. Also when in the car he called one of them and I heard him say "Don't you like getting the stuff you get with us that you don't get at home? ......." had to work like hell not to be triggered by that one. They manipulate these kids. Owife takes them out of school early when it is his one weekend a month for no reason other than her own convenience and so she can be like a 'cool friend'.
Whether or not this is true I don't know but one reported she gives them pot because she would rather them do it in front of her. Again WTF?! They let dd spend night with a fake friend without verifying with parents and my dd got into a bad situation. DD has an eating disorder and when fresh out of treatment owife would bring up scales and weight, etc things I'd ask that not be spoken about in front of her just yet. She allows her to order diet soda then chastises with finger-shaking how she shouldn't drink it because it is not on her meal plan.($100,000+ worth of treatment purposely sabotaged, and why allow or pay for diet soda in the first place?) Owife also gets kids to blame me for everything. She also tells intimate sexual details to the kids like the first time she got a Brazilian wax and "your daddy likes _________" TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE.
I also suspect she is the one authoring xwh's emails to me regarding the kids. The spelling and grammatical errors kinda give it away- we're not talking typos or oops, but obviously an uneducated person wrote it.
Owife and xwh's salary combined is well over 6 figures. I don't have that kind of money so hiring an attorney is not an option.
How do I stop owife from pulling this crap?
How do I stop the fake protective services calls?
How do I solve the dad/phone issue and intrusion into our lives?
People say what happens when they're on his watch I have no control over, the message I hear is "stop being so controlling!". No kidding but I seriously doubt anyone understands what goes on and how owife acts.
I don't understand her hatred for me or envy or whatever. I don't want him back not now not ever! Don't have the money they do so what is there for her to be envious of?
How can someone get away with behaving like this?
One tip someone suggested is to become an actress. It's clear she wants to rattle me so she can have evidence I am unstable, etc. Or, she's just a manipulative button-pusher or both, so I should act very disinterested at the kids' reports of her actions and when we get these intrusive visits from social services. Act confident and very who caresish about anything having to do with her.
Finally, I do realize that happy people do not go around behaving like this. They're busy with their own lives, not plotting, manipulating on ways to be cruel or cause problems for anyone. She must be one miserable person; sucks to be her.
The only thing I did was divorce him for serial cheating. You'd think she'd be happy I did that so she could have him.
Thank you for any helpful advice or suggestions you can offer.
No one should have to live this type of f*cked up life I'm living.

Posts: 4703 | Registered: Dec 2009
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

How awful. Unfortunately--you can't stop owife from any of her false reports or craziness. You really don't and will never control her.

I do think it would be worth it to put additional boundaries in place about when the kids can use their cells at your place though. Especially given that your access when they are with him is not very good.

[This message edited by norabird at 4:43 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

I am dealing with a nutty girlfriend too. Similar to your situation but not as extreme as yours.

I think you are on to something when you said they want to get a reaction. If they did get a "bad" reaction" she would use it to destroy you. Therefore be that actress and act totally none flustered by any of her antics. She may ramp it up for awhile though.

Also, have you thought about keeping a list of the social service visits? Like a speadsheet? That way, the next time they show up, show the social worker the spreadsheet and have a space for them to sign it. Tell them you are keeping track of all the false accusations. That might come in handy one day in court.

The nutty GF in my case, is alienating/brainwashing my kids. I have noticed as the kids age they become more aware of it. I try to model good parenting all the time. If they come out with a lie from GF, I show them the proof that it is a lie. My kids are 17 and 18 and I have shown them the separation agreement so they can see for themselves what the truth is. I also promise them I will be truthful and transparent with them.

Finally, I realize i am being persecuted by GF. There is nothing I can do to stop it so I work on detachment a lot. I pray, a lot. In just a little while longer the kids will be emancipated (age 19) and the CS issue will cease. And I try to have FUN!!!

And, thank God I am not her.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2673 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 3