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User Topic: I hate dating steriotypes.... why can't women approach men?
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 21st (Monday)

So... I was at church on Easter Sunday... and saw this attractive guy there.....didn't look like he was with a woman....family but not a girlfriend or wife... (although I neglected to check his hand for a ring...) and I wanted him to talk to me sooo bad......and NO I don't presume him to be a mind-reader....or have special ESP powers....
but of course I was chasing my toddler the whole time.....

Yeah...real turn on THERE!

I doubt I would ever have the proverbial balls to have gone up to him and started a convo.....and knowing my luck he wouldn't have been interested anyways....but it was nice to feel that attraction again.....and to a church going guy at that!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:36 AM, April 21st (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 21st (Monday)

((She11ybeanz))

Sweetie, those stereotypes are only in YOUR HEAD.

Absolutely not true that women can't approach men. They can, and they DO. And the men don't mind.

A toddler on a hip, a nice smile, and howdy, nice to see a new face in church. Start a conversation. It doesn't have to lead to anything. It can just be talking to someone.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1220 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 21st (Monday)

A toddler on a hip, a nice smile, and howdy, nice to see a new face in church.

Well...the bad thing about that is....*I* am kinda the new face too since I haven't been to my own church in FOREVER..... but it does give me some incentive to go more often!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, April 21st (Monday)

I'll back it up and say I don't mind being approached. My guy friends don't mind at either.

Starting a conversation is just as easy as saying -
"Hello! My name is She11ybeanz. I haven't seen you at this church before. Are you with "so-so" family?"

Then let him introduce himself and take it from there. :)

Just relax, start a conversation by removing expectations, and let things flow from there.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 553 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Just relax, start a conversation by removing expectations, and let things flow from there.

I guess I could go back.... and see if he is a regular now.... I sure hope so!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Oh, and even if you find out he is "taken", he may have a single friend or two that may be just as attractive and really good guys. If he finds you to be a genuinely good woman, he will tell his friends. Suddenly they'll come to church also.

Just be the authentic YOU, no matter what. And good luck on the next chance meeting!


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 553 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, April 21st (Monday)

If he's there alone, it isn't just for the homily.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 21st (Monday)

I would go to church because you want to be there.

If you see him or anyone then that is positive but you I assume are doing it for you. If not I would continue on the dating site.
Otherwise it becomes frustrating.

Good luck! The stereotype is for those who make it about the stereotype. If you are interested casually start a conversation with him. Life is so very short!

[This message edited by fireproof at 6:00 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2012
NoLongerWantHim
Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Shelly

Who says you can't?

It's church. Everyone there is definitely approachable, and you certainly can and should introduce yourself. Dating? Meeting a new friend? Simply sharing fellowship?

Its adult company.

The only thing stopping you is you.


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
DepressedDaddy
Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Even though I am not ready to get back in the dating world, I know it would be a relief for me to have a woman ask me out. Would like to get through my D first, I say go for it. My motto is the worst thing that can be said is "no." If that happens, you are still in the same situation you are in right now. Even if someone says "no," it is still flattering to them and they are not there thinking "OMG, I can't believe someone just tried to ask me out," and if they do say that...they're not worth it.

As a guy, I would be all for having a woman make the first move!

[This message edited by DepressedDaddy at 7:44 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 811 | Registered: Dec 2013
Kuwaited
Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, April 21st (Monday)

I'll back it up and say I don't mind being approached. My guy friends don't mind at either.


As a guy, I would be all for having a woman make the first move!


I think this may be fairly universal…and I’m not sure why women think otherwise.


I was at church on Easter Sunday......I doubt I would ever have the proverbial balls to have gone up to him and started a convo.....and to a church going guy at that!

For some reason I find this to be wholly incongruous.


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8488 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Perhaps it's a stereotype, but if I've started out as a female doing all the work, I continue to do all the work.

Sure you can smile and be friendly, but beyond that, if they don't make the effort to ask you out, then they aren't that into you.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Feb 2011
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Sure you can smile and be friendly, but beyond that, if they don't make the effort to ask you out, then they aren't that into you.

Or they might just be shy... It ALWAYS drives me nuts when people fall into this line of thinking.

[This message edited by h0peless at 11:03 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 1731 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Personally I love it when a woman approaches me. Guys become flattered too ya know


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Seriously,
but it was nice to feel that attraction again.....and to a church going guy at that!
this is not a stereotype????

What is wrong about church going guys? Are they too boring and to righteous to be attractive? Frankly, the ones who take it seriously don't want to get hit on in church because they are attractive ... they would want to be respected for their faith and because they are earnest human beings who attend church to worship their God.



Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

I echo the guys' sentiments here: we love being approached! We have the same fears and insecurities--as well as societal pressure to be the proactive "approacher." Many times I was interested in a woman but froze, only to let a possibility pass me by. Take a chance on that guy! As the others have said, the worst thing that can happen is he says "No" or some variation.

And hey, we all have been rejected in much worse ways than that, right? So we surely can handle this one! ;-)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

this is not a stereotype????
What is wrong about church going guys? Are they too boring and to righteous to be attractive? Frankly, the ones who take it seriously don't want to get hit on in church because they are attractive ... they would want to be respected for their faith and because they are earnest human beings who attend church to worship their God.

I think that's the point she was making- she's excited to be interested in a church going guy because the perception is that they're more trustworthy or better people. Or something.

Well...the bad thing about that is....*I* am kinda the new face too since I haven't been to my own church in FOREVER..... but it does give me some incentive to go more often!


I wouldn't make meeting new people/possibility of a new romantic connection the only reason I went to church though. IMHO, that's totally the wrong reason to go to church.


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2010
pjkmkjm23
Member
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Perhaps it's a stereotype, but if I've started out as a female doing all the work, I continue to do all the work.
Sure you can smile and be friendly, but beyond that, if they don't make the effort to ask you out, then they aren't that into you.

Oh please don't let all women believe this!

Some of us guys are fighting to regain any of our self confidence that our walk-away X's completely obliterated! In my case, I pray for a bold enough woman to walk up to me, club me over the head, and drag me back to her woman-cave! Or....maybe at least strike up a conversation with me

Because once I get past that initially shy, awkward first meeting, and I'm somewhat convinced this lady could even be interested in me....then I'll definitely put in the effort to show if I'm interested too.

(Of course this is only until I have finally gained back enough confidence to approach someone first....but it's taking forever lol!)


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Oh please don't let all women believe this!

I think that it's something that A LOT of women believe, or at least a lot of the women that live near me. It's something that I struggle with myself too.

I've been dating around some myself recently. I met a guy that I really like, and we are both only seeing each other for now to see where it leads. But even with knowing that he likes me, I still feel insecure and fall into the dating stereotypes. Should I text him first on a given day? Should I ask to see him, or wait until he asks me? Should I follow up on plans we tentatively made? There are so many books out there that say that the girl is supposed to let the guy take control. And so many of my friends tell me I need to let the guy control it. I can't count the number of times I've heard someone say that if the guy isn't pursuing you (like by not texting first or whatever), then he's not interested. So I feel like I'm walking a tightrope lately by trying to be myself and trying to listen to all the dating rules. It's frustrating. Would love a guy's opinion on all this.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Because once I get past that initially shy, awkward first meeting, and I'm somewhat convinced this lady could even be interested in me....then I'll definitely put in the effort to show if I'm interested too.

This is exactly what I meant. A woman can let her interest be known, but then you need to step back and see if it's reciprocated.

If you want to text first, do. But if you are the only one texting first, you got to stop and look at it. I've been in situations where I realized I was the only one making the effort, when I stopped, it all stopped. But that was for the best.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Feb 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I wouldn't make meeting new people/possibility of a new romantic connection the only reason I went to church though. IMHO, that's totally the wrong reason to go to church.

It wouldn't be the only reason. My grandmother (my dad's mom) died a few years ago right after both my dad and my D-day. My mom and her OM left the church (yes they went to my church ) recently because OM got accused of "inappropriate touching" of other members....he is....was an usher. My dad goes alone and I think he would be tickled to death if I started coming again. I used to be very active in my church. Met my best friend of 23 years in the bell choir there! My daughter had a blast on Easter Sunday and I stayed with her in the child watch... but I would actually like to go to the service some too. I have missed it and would like to renew my faith again. And, now that mom and OM are gone...it won't be so awkward anymore....

My chances at romance are very low on my priority list right now anyways.....I have way too much on my plate to worry about that. If it happens it happens....if not....no spilled milk here.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:02 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I think if you meet a guy at church great! You know in days gone by people went to church not only to worship, but primarily to meet a compatible partner. It was part of the social aspect of it. To meet someone of your religious background and shared similar beliefs about marriage, family and morals. Might have the chance at meeting a quality guy for a change right? At least if he's there early on a Sunday morning, you probably know he wasn't rolling in at 4am all hungover cause he was trolling the local bars all night for divorced women right?


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

At least if he's there early on a Sunday morning, you probably know he wasn't rolling in at 4am all hungover cause he was trolling the local bars all night for divorced women right?

Very good point!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
justasinger
Member
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

I was very shy back in the day. Not with everyone, just with girls that I liked. Couldn't even say hi to them. And now, I don't think there's even a remote chance that I would speak to anyone of the opposite sex that I was even remotely attracted to, not IRL anyway. Of course I'm in no position to date, and won't be anytime soon. But it would definitely be an ego boost to have an attractive woman strike up a conversation with me.


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

The beauty about being a woman is we can talk to anyone without them thinking we're hitting on them (even if we are ). Most men don't notice we're interested.

Just start up a conversation.

I'm an extroverted introvert - I talk to everyone, it's just in my nature. "Hi, I'm ....." is a good conversation starter. I've found myself going for the quiet ones these days.

I met one of my loveliest beaus at a swimming lesson with my girls. My big girl jumped out of the water and head butted me so hard I got a black eye. I was sitting there dripping wet with my two little girls playing doctor with me and helping me hold an ice pack to my eye. I joke about nobody believing my story and say to the cute guy next to me that he'd better not sit too close lest people think he did it. He laughed out loud. We struck up a conversation and each time I saw him after that he'd remark on the progress of my shiner.

About the third or fourth time we saw each other he asked for my number. We dated for a few months and he told me he had noticed me for a while but never would have approached me because he's kinda shy. He was a BH and divorced 2 years. God he was lovely. It didn't work out because it was waaaay to soon for me. Still is. We're still friends and I introduced him to his current GF - I'm a great wingman.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, April 25th (Friday)

I am not shy at all about meeting women. I have always been able to approach a woman I was interested in, and write off frequent failures easily.

That being said, my second wife went after me quite a bit. I tend to not pay attention to subtle signals, so I kept on ignoring her advances until for some reason it finally clicked. I had always thought her to be attractive and interesting, but I never thought she would be the type to go for me.

Anyways, the point is that sometimes a guy might overlook a woman for some reason or another. When I found out my wife was interested in me, I went after her with everything I had. She is a loved and cherished woman, and I always thank her for finding me.

The point is, sometimes guys might write a girl off as out of their league, or just not someone that would be attracted to them, even if there is no good reason. If you take the first step, they might be happy to take every other step they need to keep you around.


Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, April 25th (Friday)

Wait, isn't that what coffee hour after the service is for? Attach a note to the back of your toddler's back, aim her in beautiful man's direction, and let her go. The little ragamuffin will have you sipping lattes together before you know it.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 27