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Just Found Out
User Topic: Could this be a blessing in disguise?
knockeddown
Member
Member # 43090
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 21st (Monday)

My WW has always kept others at a distance. She devalued a lot of people over the years and idealized me...until I was no longer idealized. She had problems with EVERYONE. She had problems with my parents, her parents, her siblings, our friends, etc. She has always been a snotty person and I am just now coming to realize it. I was blind to how she treated others and I always tolerated it. In fact, I always felt like I had to make excuses for it. Now I feel like I am free. Don't get me wrong, I hurt, but I feel like I don't have to make excuses for a woman that distanced herself from everyone and ran me into the ground. Had it not been for this affair, I would have NEVER left her. I am starting to realize things about her. I am starting to realize how damaged she is/was all along. This was just a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.


Me- BS 27 Always faithful
Her- WS 28
2 mo.? PA
Married 5 years (lived together 9)
2-year-old daughter
DDay-3/15/2014
Separated - living apart

Posts: 103 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, April 21st (Monday)

That's a very positive outlook on a very terrible situation.

It took me a long time to realize that what I considered a "normal" marriage was not really a good situation for me. A long time, and a lot of therapy, after separation.

There are those who have a similar epiphany after choosing to reconcile, too. Not that the A was a good thing, but that they came through with more skills to keep their relationship, and love, alive.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, April 21st (Monday)

Yes.

Posts: 171 | Registered: Oct 2013
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

It was for me. It took me a while to see it as such, but it was.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7804 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
bigskyblues
Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Wow, I could have written most of that. I don't think my xww was "snotty" so much but she some how managed to drive everyone off. She seems to destroy every long term relationship she has ever had (to include family). The further out from it the more my eyes are finally wide open.

I have moved on and have a wonderful lady in my life. I will always care about my xww as she is the mother of my children, but I am happy to have moved on. I actually feel sad for her (not sorry, she made her own choices) as I know she will never find true happiness.

You are on the road to bigger and better things in life!

BSB


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 202 | Registered: Sep 2012
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

I certainly can be. I for one spent twenty years with a woman who basically lied and deceived her way through life. I drank the Kool Aid and thought that this was how it was supposed to be. Like your WW mine was the same. Very difficult to get along with, had very few friends and of those not many stayed around for long. No matter where we lived she always had issue with neighbors and naturally did not get along with my family. It took her A(s) to get me to take off the rose colored glasses. But when I finally did I saw her for the damaged, selfish individual she was. As it turned out there were solid reasons for why people did not like her. When I saw this it hit me like a ton of bricks, she did not deserve me. I was too good for her and I allowed her to manipulate me into thinking it was me all along that had the problems. Turns out that isn't true. Since my D people think I'm a pretty great guy, I have friends, family and for the first time in many years I have peace in my life. She on the other hand is still the same miserable person she was when I was M to her. My XWW has gotten by on her looks her whole life. Now that she is getting older those are fading as well. While she still looks good for a woman her age its only a matter of time till she is one lonely bitter old bitch. And I for one am very glad that I don't have to be a part of her misery any longer. My life is good and I am very happy without her in it.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5615 | Registered: Nov 2007
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

A blessing in disguise, for me absolutely, doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt though. I am only 4 months out from dday #2 though and the clarity is in its infancy.

I have found that the clarity of the truth tends to waver a bit from day to day. I think it is coming to acceptance of what you believed or wanted to believe and the reality.

I keep telling myself that at least now, in spite of all the pain, at least now I have a chance for a better life. A life of peace, respect and kindness. I could have lived my entire life being treated so badly and never known, or chose to see the truth of what was really happening.

I think that sometimes we get so caught up in the day to day survival the we don't recognize how badly we are hurting and why.

I know for me, I was trying so hard to not provoke him and blaming myself for his bad treatment of me, "what did I do to make him think that of me", very twisted, I know now, that I couldn't see the bigger picture.

It is still hard, it still hurts. What hurts though is that all of the abuse was real and that I tolerated it for so long. The fact that he never really cared for me, that I could have been anyone, that still hurts.

Time, rediscovering myself, appreciating the good that I am seeing in my life now, that helps. Being free from the abuse and control really does seem to open new doors, opens your eyes to the kind people all around.

I wish you strength and clarity.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1321 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
knockeddown
Member
Member # 43090
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

My XWW has gotten by on her looks her whole life.

This. Yes, my wife is gorgeous and has truly blossomed physically since we met. She is ugly as sin on the inside. She keeps others at a distance because she is so moody, you never know what you're going to get.

I was doing fine yesterday until I saw a picture of her pop up on Facebook. She looked so good, but I have to remember that looks are only skin deep. It's what's beneath that matters.


Me- BS 27 Always faithful
Her- WS 28
2 mo.? PA
Married 5 years (lived together 9)
2-year-old daughter
DDay-3/15/2014
Separated - living apart

Posts: 103 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

My Great Granny had a saying "beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes straight to the bone."


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Block her on facebook for your own sanity. And remember that looks only go skin-deep. It really is a blessing to have the wool pulled from your eyes and realize that you are well rid of such a negative influence in your life.

((((knockeddown)))

Hang on to this realization and the better days will come.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

knockeddown

Keep detaching.

In time you will be ok.

Sure she looks good on the outside but now that some clarity is settling in you see the core is rotten.

You are going to be fine. Focus on completing your education.

Focus on being a good dad.

HM


Posts: 828 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

When I read your post I couldn't quite believe it.

Every single word describes my ex wife. Unbelievable.

You will have many realisations over the coming months. Each one will cause you pain.

As time progresses for me, I am now seeing what she has lost rather than what I have lost. Because your wife and mine excluded people from their lives she is left with nobody of substance or sycophants and has lost the only true friend she ever had in her life.

It took me over a year to realise that she was broken all along.



Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 663 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Every single word describes my ex wife.

Same here. Over the course of her self-entitled, haughty life, my XW has left in her NPD wake:

One father (estranged)
Mother and sister (on and off estrangement)
Countless friends
Neighbors
Co-workers
Countless offended store managers and employees
Countless boyfriends
Three attorneys (refused to work with her)
Three psychiatrists (refused to treat her)
Two pediatric psychiatrists (refused to treat our kids because she is so difficult)
One therapist
Three jobs in fourteen months (fired)
One husband and family

She gets along with nobody--or at least not for very long. She too has gotten by on her looks and initial NPD charms. But both fade. Sad.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1588 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 13