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User Topic: the letter - BS responses are appreciated
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Question  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

So, I've been reading and re-reading the advice I've received on here the last few days. I received some beautiful advice on how to confess to my boyfriend. So I wrote a letter, in fear that I will not be able to speak much after the confession starts. I would like your opinions on this letter. I may end up using it as guidelines when I talk to him, or I may simply give it to him if he decides he can't be around me, that way he can read it on his own terms. So here it is. (also please understand this is an apology letter more then anything, I do intend to give him details and discuss what happened in detail. this is mainly for after the confession, or if I can't talk anymore or he decides to leave)

BS
No matter how many time I write this, nothing is ever going to come out right. Thatís because there is no right way to say any of this, nor a right time or place. So I might as well get on with it.
I am incredibly sorry, I cheated on you 2 weeks ago Wednesday. I know you may not believe me when I say I am sorry, but I am. I am so so sorry, and I really do love you. Youíre the only man Iíve ever loved. I have known since I met you that I wanted to spend my life with you. What I did was in no way your fault. It was my stupid, selfish and horrible decision, and I can never erase it. It feels like some bloody nightmare I canít wake up from. I feel absolutely horrible for what I have done to you. I have never been so ashamed and disgusted of myself, or hated myself as much as I do now. I hope I can regain your trust over time, if you choose to stay with me. Itís going to be difficult, because what I have done is horrible. But I hope that with time, you can begin to forgive me. I truly do love you BS. I will love you until the day I die. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why I choose to risk everything I had with you, for one stupid night, I will never fully understand. I would do anything to go back and undo what has been done. If you choose to leave me, I completely understand. It would break my heart to see you leave, but if it is what you must do I understand it. Please yell at me, get angry, be mad, I deserve it. I canít apologize enough to you, but I want to try and make this right somehow. I am willing to go to therapy and work on this with you. I want to try and make this up to you. If you need time alone, a break in the relationship, or just time away from me, I understand that as well. I am not asking you to make any decisions here and now. I will give you as much time as you need to reach your decision, and whatever decision you make I will respect it 100%. I have decided to give up alcohol, as I know it was a factor in my decisions that night. I no longer trust myself with it, and wonít be drinking it again. I have already been tested for STIís, and am getting tested again in a few months to ensure I am still clean. If you want, I will give you the passwords to any and all my online accounts, emails, facebook, everything. I will even install an app on my phone that will send any texts I get straight to you. If this is what you want. I will also answer every single question you have, 100% honestly. I will do anything to gain your trust back and show you that I truly do love you. We/you can choose to tell anyone you want, or we can keep this between ourselves. It is your choice. Please tell me if there is anything I can say or do to better this situation. I want to make this right, I know there is no way to undo what has been done, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and realize I do love you. I hope you can see how truly ashamed of myself I am, and how truly sorry I am for my actions. I hope that at the end of all this, we can still be together, and have a better, stronger relationship built on trust and honesty. I love you BS. And again, I am so sorry.


Did I miss anything? should I opt out any parts of it? I greatly appreciate and value all the advice I have received here, thank you all so much.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

I know you may not believe me when I say I am sorry, but I am. I am so so sorry, and I really do love you. Youíre the only man Iíve ever loved.

Respectfully, I suggest you delete everything after "I am so so sorry." He will not be able or willing to hear "I really do love you. You're the only man I ever loved." To him, it will be, for now, self-evidently not true. And it will cast doubt on the sincerity of the rest.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

I disagree. My H needed to hear me tell him that I loved him over and over again, despite the huge amount of pain he was in and the fact that he had zero faith in me.

That's all part of rebuilding...imho


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197699 | Registered: May 2002
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

I certainly have no monopoly on wisdom. Men are different from one another.

Something similar actually happened to me. It was long ago but the memory is vivid.

If I had been told, in the first disclosure, "Youíre the only man Iíve ever loved," I would have snapped back furiously "Then how could you do this to me?" I'm not sure I would even hear the rest.

I agree the the assurances of love are critical. But I would say them after the first disclosure and his first reaction/vent. And truthfully, I really would forever delete the word ONLY. Just stick to "You are the man I love." ONLY invites, almost begs for, the inevitable bitter refutation.

GF, I am not trying to make you feel worse. I really am trying to help--from the perspective of someone who was on the receiving end of a similar message from my first love, with whom I was head over heels.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

I understand Owl...I think all points are well received and appreciated!!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197699 | Registered: May 2002
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Thank you both for your response, it's greatly appreciated. However, I think I will remove the world "only" I can say that when everyone has calmed down a bit - assuming he decides to see me some point after he finds out. When I wrote that, I realized he would probably not believe it, but you're right, he may be so angry with that statement he may not hear the rest of what I have to say. I can say that to him after the initial confrontation and discussion.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

I would also recommend reconsidering this one:

"I hope that at the end of all this, we can still be together, and have a better, stronger relationship built on trust and honesty."

I understand what you mean, but I think it likely he will hear it as implying that he was equally responsible for relationship being 'bad' and 'weak', (converse of better and stronger) and the resulting loss of trust and honesty.

Something like "I pray that at the end of all this, you can still be with me, we can be together, and I can earn your trust."

GF, take my ideas for what they are, ideas. It is a good letter. I just think those are the spots his ears will not hear what you want mean, but something bad instead.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

all your responses are welcome. i've never been in this situation nor known anyone who had to go through it (that I know of) so believe me, EVERY suggestion helps. and I agree. I was the one who committed the betrayal, and what I would want to hear from him and what he will want to hear from me are completely different things. I also agree with that, it does imply he has some blame for this, which he does not. It was in no way at all his fault.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

"I think I will remove the world "only" "

That solves 95% of the problem. It is one word that I am dead certain he will not react well to right now.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

I opted out the only and changed the other sentence as well, it reads "I hope at the end of all this, you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and I can work on making this a better relationship." - although I still feel like that's not quiet right...


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Oh GF, I really like you, and I am so sad for you. It is going to be really rough.

"what I would want to hear from him and what he will want to hear from me are completely different things."

YES.

What he wants and needs to hear boils down to three things, over and over and over:


1. I am sorry.
2. I am broken.
3. YOU are the man I love.

I want to explain number two--it is important. A "break" implies total surrender, and holds out the promise of transformation that can come after pride and ego are surrendered. That is too subtle for him to hear on day one, but it will be vital down the road.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

I disagree. My H needed to hear me tell him that I loved him over and over again, despite the huge amount of pain he was in and the fact that he had zero faith in me.

I also needed this from my fwh. His confession on Dday2 is his only saving grace. He said many of the things you say in your letter, and it helped a lot.

"I think I will remove the world "only" "
That solves 95% of the problem. It is one word that I am dead certain he will not react well to right now.

Yeah, telling me I was his one and only made me want to hit him with a brick... that and he (still) says "I love you MORE." Don't say that. But... seriously, don't say that.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 6:00 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

"and I can work on making this a better relationship." "

No, it's not. It still directly implies that relationship was "worse" before, and that because it was "worse" you may have had justification for your decision. I KNOW that;s not what you mean, but that's what the betrayed ear will hear.

"making myself someone worthy of you?" "Worthy of your love?"

Play with the words, but the idea is transformation of you, not of the relationship.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Thank you Owl6118, your advice has been very helpful. How about " I hope that at the end of all this, you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what I have done, and give me a chance to work on regaining your trust" ? I think it sounds better, it doesn't imply the relationship was previously broken, and doesn't imply that he had anything to do with it. Just that I need to work hard to regain his trust.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Perfect, GF. I won't call you horrible, so GF it must be.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Thank you Owl6118. I'm starting to feel a bit better. not about what I did, but that I have a plan on how to tell him, and hopes of making it right.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

GF,

BS here, I would have given anything to have receive this letter. I am sitting here crying reading this.

I wish you the best. I hope you two can work it out. True remorse, empathy, those really are the keys to all of this.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1330 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
BreatheAgain10
Member
Member # 32657
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

GF, I'm sorry you and your bs are in this situation.
Owl and Deeply Scared gave great points based on their experiences.
I appreciated your letter. Your bs will be in a lot of pain, but this letter is something I wished my fWH could've said to me in the beginning as we stumbled after DDay. I pray you and your BS can get thru this. Getting help here is a great part of doing things right for the both of you. Take care and best of wishes to your situation.


By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10
OW=Yuck!

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

very respectfully, are you planning on being there and handing him the letter, or are you planning on mailing, or emailing, it to BS?

I truly admire that you are going to confess. I'm sure it's a scary and very difficult thing to do, but it's the right thing. You're giving him a choice, and that's very precious.

I do hope you're planning on being there in person. Receiving that message unannounced, and unexpected, could seem so much colder than I think you intend.

Again, I admire your courage. People make mistakes, ALL people. It's really great that you're so willing to work on this and be honest. You're a brave, and special, person.
((((hugs))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Thank you Can, knowing that you, and BreathAgain10, would have benefited from this letter gives me hope, and reassures me that I am doing the right thing. You guys are giving me hope that this may not be the end of it all. That there is a chance for me to redeem myself, and prove to my BBF that I love him and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship last. Thank you, all of you, for your support.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

[This message edited by HorribleGF at 6:29 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

painfulpast, I do intend to be there. Sending it any other way would add insult to injury. It's difficult cause I want to tell him now, as soon as possible, but I have to wait till monday.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Yes! What painfulpast said, be there, in person, do not run away.

I discovered both affairs, one with an email and one with a text, it was like falling off a cliff. The ground disappeared.

Stbxwh left immediately, both times, that, right there is so painful, that he couldn't even face me, help me or at least try to. I showed how little he cared.

Show how much you care. This must be so scary for you, I wish you strength.

Tell him or let him read it but be there for the fall out. Remember, the anger, it is a secondary emotion, it is an expression of the pain, he is in incredible pain.

I wish you so much strength.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1330 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
tryingmybest2011
Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

Hi GF.

Your letter is really good, with the suggestions you've been given. Good luck to you. I'm sorry for your pain - it's a surreal situation. I really identify with your nightmare analogy.

Good for you for confessing. You seem to be making the best choices you can make considering your situation.

I wish you both well.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)

I think its great but do not like "....I will never fully understand." This is suggesting that a potential will always exist. I recommend that you say you are working on yourself so this can never happen again.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

i wanted reassurances from my WW that she loved me.

on d-day 1 i didnt get them. i got attacked and she gave me a load of justifications for what she claimed was an LTA EA.

on d-day 2 i didnt get them. she got angry, screamed at me, defended herself, justified what she had done (LTA EA was really EA/PA).

on d-day 3 i got the beginnings of remorse, her telling me she loved me. no justifications for what she had done (sexting multiple guys in addition to LTA)but profuse apologies.

d-day 4 was the day after d-day 3. she admitted to 2 ONS with 2 different guys in addition to everything else she had confessed. she didnt try to justify it and told me that she loved me and was sorry.

i have to say d-day 1 & 2 were brutal on me because of her justifications and total lack of remorse.

d-day 3 was bad but hearing her tell me that she was sorry, etc was a huge difference from "i did it, im not sorry, and there was nothing wrong in what i did".

d-day 4 was the worst, i think. because on d-day 3 she swore to total honesty, swore this was all, and then dumped more crap on me the next day.

so i would stick with you "i love you" and i would also suggest total honesty. trickle truth is a killer.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 543 | Registered: Jan 2014
steadychevy
Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

I am a BS and old enough to be your grandfather. You have written a beautiful letter and received some very good advice about how to improve it by removing those things that could cause interretations problems. I know therd are certain phrases that get to me very quickly.

I must commend you for being a very courageous and honest young woman. First, in that you recognized your choice for what it was, that you searched to find some guidance and that you are doing the "right thing".

I wish very much that my FWW had shown me this respect. She committed infidelities with 4 different men during our engagement. She had her brother lie to me for her. The last one was just 7 weeks before our wedding. She wouldn't have told me except I found out. One of them came out in DDay 3 in January 37 years later. She didn't tell me because she thought I would call off the wedding. I deserve the chance to make an informed decision about a life long decision. A relationship built on lies will continue to have difficulties and the unsuspecting spouse will never know why there seems to be a unbridgable chasm. Deception is difficult to maintain. You are doing this for all of the right reasons.

After being married for 25 years my FWW started an affair with a co-worker. It carried on for over 3 years. Lots of lies, deceit and denials. Finally, on September 1, 2013 she confessed. She was forced to by me. Then another DDay at the end of October with continual lies and tricle truth. Had she voluntarily confessed instead of continually lying and covering up and blame shifting once confessed it would have been much better.

You voluntarily recognized the problem, you sought advice, you are going to voluntarily confess. I needed the words "I am sorry I ..." over and over again but don't get them. I needed the words "I love you even though my actions seem to show I don't. I love you and I am sorry I caused you so much pain". But I don't get that much. Improving a little now.

I so wished that I would have got this from my wife. You are giving your BF the chance to make up his own mind. I pray that he can recognize it and you can get through this together. Please work on yourself. You have my admiration.


BH(me)63
WW-57
M 37 years
DDay1-09/1/13;DDay2-10/13;DDay3 12/19/13
LTA-09/02-11/02 EA;12/02-?/06 PA
OM -COW
"dates" w/3 former lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment;years of lies, denial

Posts: 85 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Alberta, Canada
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

I wanted a letter like this.

A word about the 'unimaginable pain that I have thrust upon you' might not go amiss.

He will likely want details, at some point.

I would want to understand how you could have such little respect for me. At what point in the evening did you cross the line and tell yourself that it was OK.

I still wish I had a girlfriend or wife who even wanted to reconcile. Well done.

[This message edited by allatsea at 9:07 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 681 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Thank you for your advice. I have edited the letter yet again, mentioning that I realize i've caused him unimaginable pain by doing this, pain I will never know to be able to relate to. And that I'm sorry for doing such a thing to him.
I am fully prepared to answer any and all questions he may ask. and fully prepared to give him 100% of all the details I remember from that night.
I realize he isn't going to like some of my answers, neither would I. But it is the honest truth, and a truth that hurts is better then a lie.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

GF, one more thought.

Your letter is wonderful and it speaks volumes about your character. You are doing everything you can and I think you see how much respect it earns you.

But I want you to be braced. I know taking responsibility for the situation and taking thoughtful, active steps has helped you feel more empowered, less helpless. And that is good.

But this is still a very hard situation, and I caution you against hoping for too much. One of the worst aspects of it is your continued separation from your boyfriend. This is going to be a huge problem for him, for he will not be able to recover with you by seeing you present, knowing where you are and what you are doing, and having you there to help him. His doubts and fears will run riot and there is only a limited amount you can do long distance to check them.

Realistically, I think you need to be braced for him breaking up with you.

And in the weeks to come, you will need to start to reflect on what you will do if he does.

It will take a while to accept and to even begin to know how you feel. But let me plant a seed--be careful about making promises that feel right at this moment-- like, I will wait for you indefinately and hope you will find your way back to me -- that you maybe cannot or should not keep.

I can't remember if you said how long it would be before you two could be in the same town again. But if it is more than a few months, the simple truth is you may begin to grow apart in the long time before you would have any chance to be together and really woo him again.

I know this is all a bummer. I hope for the best for you--but you need to be ready to absorb the worst.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Owl6118, that thought has crossed my mind a million times. We are apart another 2 years, most likely 3. I know if he chooses to stay by me, there will have to be daily phone calls, and lots of reassurance. More visiting when we can afford it. all of that.
Next year I am living with 2 room mates, as opposed to being on my own right now. And if he decides to give it another chance, he will have contact information to both my room mates, and will have access to any and all information as to what I have been doing. That may be helpful, having a third party help regulate things, and be there to confirm or deny what I have been telling him. Someone to reassure him that I am home every night, that I have not consumed alcohol, and that I am keeping to my word.

But I am prepared for him to end the relationship... I realize it will be extremely difficult going back into long distance within a month of Dday. But if he does give me a second shot, a chance to prove how much I love him, and show him how much I want him and only him, I am going to do everything in my power to make sure he knows I am being 100% faithful to him, and keeping all my promises.
The road ahead of me is by no means an easy one. It's going to be the hardest thing I have ever faced. but it's a road I know I won't have to walk alone. I have friends who support me, and I have everyone on SI.

If he requests it, I am fully prepared to drop out of school and move home as well. It would mean paying rent in a place I will not be living, but if it means saving my relationship, then there is no question it's what I would do.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

My suggestions:

I am willing to go to therapy and work on this with you.

I would add that even if he does not go with you, you are still planning to go on your own for your own healing and understanding.

If you want, I will give you the passwords to any and all my online accounts, emails, facebook, everything.

I would not ask if he wants access. I would just go ahead and give him that access. He will choose to look through these accounts or not.

I will even install an app on my phone that will send any texts I get straight to you. If this is what you want.

Same as above, just do it. Don't ask if he wants you to do it. He will tell you if it is necessary or not afterward.

The reason I suggest these changes above are so that you show being proactive, and that they don't come off as "promises" on what you will do on the condition he stays.

I will also answer every single question you have, 100% honestly. I will do anything to gain your trust back and show you that I truly do love you. We/you can choose to tell anyone you want, or we can keep this between ourselves. It is your choice.

Just remove "It is your choice.", which comes off as an ultimatum in tone.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 479 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Thank you, you're right. those sounded like an "if you stay..." not what he needs. he doesn't need t feel pressured into staying in the relationship if he is unhappy.
I will also (along with the letter) print off a list of my accounts and passwords for each and give it to him with the letter. Hopefully that will help to reinforce that I am being 100% open with him. As for the phone app, that one I won't do right away, because he is not that good with technology (he just upgraded from a 2004 flip phone) so finding all this out and then having to learn how to use new apps and what not may be a bit much. but it is definitely something I will give him the option of doing. as well giving him the option to install tracking programs on my computer so he can monitor what I am doing on the computer. - again, something that will come later as I"m sure he won't be to keen on it right away. But he will be the only one with passwords to access those apps/ software.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
steadychevy
Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

I should have added that what you are doing will not be easy. I think you know that judging from your words. It will be very painful. BF will be devastated. He may have a lot of difficulty even functioning. I can tell I did. I virtually remember hardly anything of last September. The pain for both of you will seem almost unbearable. I rember thinking that you cannot hurt this bad and expect to live. Surely the pain will kill you. It didn't but I was suicidal. I got counseling advice the first week I think - maybe it was the second. But I desperately needed it. A full range of emotions will be evident and you will read about the roller coaster. It is true.

So, again, you have my admiration. The results may not be as you might hope they turn out. But part of what you are doing is being true to yourself, too, and to who you want to be. I hope and pray that time and hardwork will help you reconcile and you will have the life you hoped to have. It will forever be different but, from what I understand, it can be a truer more open and honest relationship. I pray you get that some day.


BH(me)63
WW-57
M 37 years
DDay1-09/1/13;DDay2-10/13;DDay3 12/19/13
LTA-09/02-11/02 EA;12/02-?/06 PA
OM -COW
"dates" w/3 former lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment;years of lies, denial

Posts: 85 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Alberta, Canada
10yearsafter
Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

The letter is good. You should tell him everything in person. I know you intend to do that, right. Give him the letter after you tell him so he can read it and try to wrap his mind around the nuclear bomb you dropped on him.

He will not be able to process everything at that moment. He will have questions and they could involve details of what happened between you and the OM. DO NOT say I don't know or I can't remember. You will and must relive that night until you know every detail if you BF asks you for that information.

My FWW was 17 when we started dating so I was the only man she had been with until she was almost 40. That was something very special to me and she gave it away to someone who did not matter. Your BF may not think of it that way. Regardless of that aspect of the situation he will have a hard time understanding why this happened. You must have an answer for that and being apart can not be that answer.

You are doing the right thing. I admire your courage and I know you are truly very sorry. I wish my FWW would have told me instead of me discovering by accident.

I can see that you are an intelligent young woman and you DO know what is right. No matter the outcome with your BF you need to look deep down and understand why you did what you did and deal with that.

One last thing. Your BF may forgive you but he will never forget. I have forgiven my wife but I have not forgotten and it was 10 years ago. Can you overcome that, I think you can.

God bless you I will pray for you and your BF.


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

I am fully prepared to drop out of school and move home as well.

Actually, if I was your boyfriend I would be quite impressed with that offer. You could always resume your studies at a later date, when convenient.

The offer demonstrates that you would sacrifice in order to maintain your future together. Might be what tilts the relationship onto the reconciliation side.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

OK now, you're right. It never occurred to me to put that in the letter, but I think I will add it. Because, as was pointed out earlier, jumping right back into a long distance relationship after Dday will most likely be the end of our relationship. But if I stayed, told him I could finish school later, then we could have a chance to repair what I broke. Not only would I be there to support him, and help him through it, if he chose to stay with me, but it would be easier to make sure I am holding up my end of things and doing what I said I would.
Not to mention "home" is an extremely small town, where everyone knows everyone, and everything, so it would be quiet easy for him to tell if I had strayed from promises.
Also, 1 month after Dday, he goes out to his summer job - the job he loves. He's a huge outdoors fan, and works the summers at a fishing lodge. I believe the time alone, doing what he loves most surrounded by everything he loves, and in the one place he feels at home, will help him to gather his thoughts, and start the healing process for him. It will be good for him. and they have internet and phones out there, so he will be able to ask me questions and reach me if he so chooses.
I think maybe going home for a year (or 2, or 5) would be beneficial.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

Just please, go slow. Talk and think before you make huge decisions. I know your relationship is all you can think about just now. But a college degree is fastest road to a secure life in this country today, and every year you wait is lost experience and income, and an increased risk you will not finish at all. This is real life. You need to think about all sides of your future. I could see a semester at home. But your BF stays with you, he will have to be willing, soon, to help you come up with a plan for you to finish school somewhere, together.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)

I think if it a beautifully written letter. Best of luck, GF


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

Owl6118, I realize college degrees help in life, I do. But where I am from, everything is government work, or home grown businesses. When I first set out to school 2 years ago, I was all go for 4 year bach of science followed by 4 years vet school. The dream of vet school died this year, with my grades not being high enough and my desire to pursue that career dwindling. This year i have been thinking about my science degree and whether or not I want to finish it. My hope were to be home and starting a family by 24. (now I know that won't be happening due to current circumstances) but I'm not even sure if my degree would bring me any happiness or a job I am satisfied with. I've been contemplating taking time off for a while now, and this would be a valid reason to do so.
At some point down the line, I'm sure I would go back to school, maybe finish my science degree, maybe do something completely different.
But at this moment, yes, my relationship is all that matters.
That said, my BBF desperately wants for me to finish school. He has done all he can (aside from actually moving with me) to support me. Emotionally and financially. So I know he will push me to finish school at some point as well. I understand that my future matters as well, I do. But I'm 20. What I want to spend my life doing changes every semester. As for taking courses a year at home, that wouldn't work. We have a small college that only offers nursing programs - and I can't deal with human blood. so no thank you.

However this turns out, whatever may come of this, I believe I have prepared myself as best as possible. I will be devastated if he chooses to end the relationship, but I will respect his decision, and I know I will make it through. Because I have everyone on here to help me :)


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I'm going to agree with a lot of other people here. Your a brave young woman with a good head on your shoulders. You see what you did and realize the pain your going to cause your BBF. You don't want to deceive him or lie to him. I had to discover my WW affair and it wasn't fun or pretty. Your letter and the subsequent suggestions are right on the money. Your both so young ( compared to someone like me ) and it has been pointed out it may be the end of your relationship, but you are showing a level of maturity beyond your years. My only suggestion to you is after your confession, point your BF to this sight. Explain to him how it helped you and how it may help him. While I'm a BS I often read posts in wayward forum (mostly to see what true remorse can and should look like) you young lady get it. When I JFO the people here showed me a lot of support and wouldn't let me rugsweep her affair and showed me a way to forgive her. While I'm a work on progress the advice and support I got was invaluable. If can be for your BBF as well. I'm pulling for you both, best of luck to you.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 329 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

We can finish this convversation some other day.

But from the perspective of someone old(er) who was seen the economy chew people up and spit them out...

You. Must. Get. That. Degree.

It will give you and BF options and chances in life you will never get otherwise. It doesn't matter what subject it's in. it is simply the opening bid for opportunities. Jobs. Loans. Credit. Interviews.

But i'll bend your ear more on a better morning.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I am fully prepared to drop out of school and move home as

In my opinion that is a bad idea and another example of impulsive behavior (like cheating.) My BH dropped out of school 25 years ago. He regretted it our entire M. We now can afford for him to go back, at age 45.

You are a smart young woman and should not abandon your studies for a man. If he demands that, he is not worth it.

Dropping out of school is like an act of desperation. Not an emotionally healthy move. Trying to convince yourself otherwise? Is justification

Oh yeah, my mom dropped out of college too. Because a man broke her heart. She is 70 and still regrets that choice. Se wanted to be a nurse.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 7:17 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1973 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

I agree with the stay in college advice. True, solid reconciliation is made up of consistent, honest, remorseful actions, not grand, dramatic acts out of desperation to keep the relationship.

I feel your remorse, I really do, but you have to be the best YOU you can be, before real growth can happen. Work on you and the rest will fall into place in a healthy way.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37561 | Registered: Sep 2007
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

The purpose of offering to move back home and discontinue the BSc course is related to this being a deal breaker for your BF. In other words, he won't reconcile unless you do this. Otherwise I think Owl6118 is perfectly correct in stressing the importance of a degree as regards your future.

As I said before, I would blame the whole transgression on demon drink. From your account this seems to be true. I would state I remember nothing about the act and that you were taken advantage of. Overall close enough to the truth. This gives him elbow room to forgive and if he further demands you give up your science course until some later date, then the choice is yours.

You are young and maybe your current BF won't end up being the guy you spend your life with. So, as Owl6118 is wisely implying, be careful about what you sacrifice at this stage of your life. Try to make a logical, sober, non-emotional decision as regards giving up your education.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

You are a smart young woman and should not abandon your studies for a man. If he demands that, he is not worth it.

Being fair to the young man in question, its going to be very hard for him to have any trust in HGF considering the length of time left in her studies and her expressed loneliness. It may seem the only sensible solution to him if they are to remain together.

A sensible decision for him would be to suspend [not end] the relationship until her studies are over. Both are free to pursue other friendships in the meantime, and if it were to turn out that they are both free to resume the relationship at a later date, then thats a viable option. Somewhat unlikely though; but as many will say, true love overcome all obstacles and all that.

Overall i think all the posters have more or less the same opinion.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
10yearsafter
Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

Why not just take the whole college thing out of the equation for now and focus on your problem at hand. Don't make any snap decisions about anything at this time.

You probably are suffering emotionally and have so many thoughts running through your head. You are confused, scared and anxious.

I disagree with OK Now you can not blame your actions on alcohol. That is a cop out and it is not the truth. You must tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If you say your were taken advantage of then your BF may want to hunt the guy down and who knows what. He may say "Were you raped?" There are so many possible bad out comes from that whole scenario you could cause way more damage. Please don't do that.

God Bless you and give you strength to see you through this.


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 24th (Thursday)

Agree 100% re: taking the college thing out of the equation.

In another thread, the idea was thrown out that a spouse should quit her job (which had ZERO to do with the affair) to focus on the marriage.

This is one of the most volatile scenarios you can put a relationship through. Doing things that put one party into a position of financial insecurity & dependence is not good for anyone. It solves absolutely nothing, and it creates an entirely new layer of issues within the relationship/marriage.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

I am not making any decisions on my college educations as of now. It will be something discussed in depth when the time is right.
As for taking 1 maybe 2 years off, it would not hurt me financially, as I have multiple job offers back home, most paying extremely well. So financially I would be more then okay. Many of the government jobs where I am from are high paying and require no degree as well (although I am aware that having one is a huge help). So if I play my cards right, who knows, maybe I do find a career I enjoy. But I personally would like to finish my degree before I'm 30.
I will also NOT be telling him that I was taken advantage of. Because I wasn't. If I can say "I have a boyfriend" I can say "no". It's that simple. I made the decision. Saying I was taken advantage of would be lying. It would be dodging the bullet, an 'easy out' in a way. Because then he would not be mad at me so much as mad at the OM. I cheated. I made the decision. Now I must deal with the consequences.
I will definitely be turning him to this site, as it has helped me more then I can express. I certainly didn't expect to wake up to so many new comments. It was nice to see all the responses advice.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
10yearsafter
Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Good for you! You seem to be thinking this through with as clear a mind as one could expect given the situation.

I am confident that no matter the outcome you can move forward knowing you did the right thing.

You are mature for your young age. Your wisdom will protect and keep you in the future. Listen to the wise voice in your head and you will be OKAY.


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Well thought through.

Good luck to you, GF. I will think of you over the days to come with good wishes.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

As you go through life you will not encounter much outright honesty; its a rare commodity. Most of us adjust the truth on a everyday basis to make it more palatable; more acceptable.

When my late grandma was diagnosed with cancer she became near hysterical and tearfully asked for further information. The doctor did not tell her the truth, that it was terminal, he assured her that it was treatable and she calmed down. A white lie that prevented acute distress for all concerned. Likewise the brutal truth, that you willingly sought sex from the OM to satisfy your need for carnal release, may very well end your relationship for good. Blaming the influence of alcohol is a white lie that may keep you together and allow him to forgive.

My teenage son asked for a cookie this morning. Since he is on a sugar restricted diet I told him they were all gone. Not really; just another example of how we are forever adjusting the truth; in this case to avoid conflict [and whining].

To me, the dogmatic, rigid demand that you must always tell the precise truth is ridiculous. I asked my boss last week how he thought I has handled my latest project. He said he was satisfied; I happen to know from other sources that our team screwed up and the managerial team was not happy. My boss didn't want to spoil my weekend, demotivate me or cause distress. Another white lie. Life is full of them.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

I understand that life is full of lies, and we tell them all the time to prevent people from being hurt.
But if I told him I was taken advantage of, to prevent him from being hurt. Why wouldn't I just keep the whole thing from him? I see no point in substituting one lie for another.
I am not blaming my decision on the alcohol. it had an effect on the outcome of the night, but it was not the sole factor.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, April 25th (Friday)

FWIW, and with all the goodwill in the world toward OK now and her perspective, I think you are doing the right thing.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
steadychevy
Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 25th (Friday)

I commend you on your commitment to honesty. IMO honesty is the best policy. Little lies, big lies, white lies, lies by omission are all still lies. Further explanation (or bigger lies) is required when some more information is found out. Whatever it was will be worse for the cover up. The truth always seems to come out eventually.

I didn't go back and read your full story but I believe you knew you shouldn't go out for drinks but went anyway and it went from there. The drinking is only part of the issue. Decisions were made all along a slippery slope. It is so heartening to me that you have recognized this and are being very proactive. If you buried it it would always be there like a weight that would not let you be genuine in your relationship. Being less than honest is not a way to start the most intimate relationshi you ever hope to have. Also, I think an infidelity left unresolved could make one more vulnerable for future infidelities.

I pray that, given time to heal, given time to grieve, your BF will recognize what a wonderful young woman you are, can reconcile. I do believe this though - if he doesn't (because it is very difficult and may be the most difficult thing he will ever do)there is some special man who will.

My prayers are with you.


BH(me)63
WW-57
M 37 years
DDay1-09/1/13;DDay2-10/13;DDay3 12/19/13
LTA-09/02-11/02 EA;12/02-?/06 PA
OM -COW
"dates" w/3 former lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment;years of lies, denial

Posts: 85 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Alberta, Canada
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 25th (Friday)

One thing for sure, I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you on Monday. You are a very courageous young lady and I wish you well whatever the outcome.

Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 25th (Friday)

I'm with OK now. Know that BSs and WSs stand together with you on Mon as it's the right thing to do. You are a brave and courageous woman. You can do this. I wish you well.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 25th (Friday)

I'd like to thank all of you for your support and advice. Monday is going to be hard. But I know I will have the advice and support of all of you backing me up when the time comes.
I hope my BBF can find the same support here if he chooses to make use of it. I'm sure it would be a great help to him as well.
This will most likely be my last post until after Dday, as I have lots of packing and studying to do before I leave Sunday.
I think the 26 hour solo drive will give me a lot of time to calm myself, and prepare myself for what is going to happen. It will also be a perfect time to reflect on myself and find out exactly why the ONS happened. It's going to take some soul searching, but I'm determined to find out exactly what the reason was, so I can work on fixing myself. There is no point in trying to fix my relationship if I remain broken.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
10yearsafter
Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 25th (Friday)

Yes, very good. You get it. You know what you need to do. You are on your way to healing. I know it does not feel like it now but with that attitude things will eventually get better.

Since you realize you need to fix something within yourself the process has already begun.

I pray for both of you.

No matter what we will be here for you.

God Bless and have a safe trip.


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 59