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User Topic: Timeline
Matilda23
Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

Yesterday was 3 months since dday and I have not written a timeline. In the beginning I was all for it. I told him everything so I felt like I didn't need to. A few weeks later he asked the same questions but I answered them a little differently, so he felt I TT. I answered them honestly. But now I am afraid to write down a timeline. I'm afraid if what I have to say will be just a little different again when I honestly remember it a specific way. I'm afraid that he will think I hid something. On top of being afraid I don't know where to beginning. I don't know what to put on the timeline. I know that specific dates, what we AP and I did, times. He would like how I was feeling but I always reply with "I don't know". I want to help him heal and give him the puzzle pieces, but I don't know where to beginning. I'm afraid he will only be hurt again if I say something I did not mention before or there is a slight change in the story.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

I'm afraid he will only be hurt again if I say something I did not mention before or there is a slight change in the story.

That fear is going to be what slowly kills your chances of reconciliation.

WRITE THE TIMELINE. RIP THE BANDAID OFF.

Picture the little details you withhold as cancer on your relationship. Sure, they're small now and he doesn't know about them, but all it takes is for your stories not to add up or for him to discover something... or the most common thing of all, when he realizes that "I don't know" is almost always a lie and that he is still being lied to. Kablooie.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Trust us.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17335 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Matilda23
Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, April 24th (Thursday)

That fear is going to be what slowly kills your chances of reconciliation.

Jrazz, you are absolutely correct. BBF and I have discussed that I live in fear. I hide things because I'm too afraid of what he will say or think. Then days or weeks go by and then I realize I'm afraid he will find out that I'm hiding it, so I come clean. I hate that I do this. We know it's because of the physical abuse I had growing up as a child. I always feared I would get in trouble even if I was honest and truthful. I was always in the wrong. It's no excuse, because now I know the root cause and I can make that choice to be honest.

Where do I begin? What do I include on the timeline? Will this be another dday? Will he decide to leave?


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Elasticman
New Member
Member # 41569
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, April 25th (Friday)

The quicker you do the timeline the quicker you will reach an agreement of what happened. If you want all of the questioning to stop, answer all the questions (a few times). You have to accept that your word isn't trusted. Good luck

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: England
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, April 25th (Friday)

but I don't know where to beginning

Start with where and when. Places and dates. You can expand from there.

He would like how I was feeling but I always reply with "I don't know".

Are you sure? Or is it just really embarrassing or painful to think about?

A few weeks later he asked the same questions but I answered them a little differently, so he felt I TT.

Sometimes I think that some of this can be attributed to how a WS's attitude and/or emotional awareness can change drastically after Dday.

For example, at an MC session not long after Dday, MC asked fWH if he felt "entitled" during the A. He said no. A couple months later we were sitting around talking about things and he brought it back up. He said, "You know what, I DID feel entitled. But I wasn't lying to MC when I said I didn't". He was genuinely perplexed by this and I think it was a result of how much more self-aware he's become since Dday.

The other issue I that I think can come into play is that I think most remorseful WS's perceptions change drastically after Dday. Once they can see the A for what it really was, they can't understand how they ever thought it was "good" (or whatever adjective they thought at the time). And I think this can color their recollections. So, maybe there was an event during the A that at the time made them really "happy", but as they're looking back on it they think....wtf???? That doesn't make sense. So maybe instead they say "I don't remember" bc the real answer no longer makes any sense to them.

So, as you write your timeline, I think you kinda have to jump back into your head back then. Which probably isn't going to be very pleasant, as I'm sure you don't much want to go there.

Good luck.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Jovie
Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, April 25th (Friday)

Once they can see the A for what it really was, they can't understand how they ever thought it was "good" (or whatever adjective they thought at the time). And I think this can color their recollections. So, maybe there was an event during the A that at the time made them really "happy", but as they're looking back on it they think....wtf???? That doesn't make sense. So maybe instead they say "I don't remember" bc the real answer no longer makes any sense to them.

This is so true. "I don't know" and "I don't remember" are killers. Even if that is the truth in that moment, you have to address it differently with your BS, he will not believe you and it will add to his frustration. You need to really dig in and figure out the answers and if you can't answer, explain to him why and that you are working on it.

I feel that most of my conversations with BH about how I was feeling started with "I think it was maybe because..." or "maybe I felt like..." That might not be acceptable for some BS, but it helped me to talk it through with him in that way so he could sort of feel my thought process. And my reasoning definitely changed throughout the process.

I would start the timeline with actual facts so you at least have that part down on paper. You can add feelings on top of that as you start digging.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
somethingremorse
Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 25th (Friday)

I was/am worried that if I say something different than the first weekend, that BW will think its TT. Even if it's for an honest reason that everyone here has mentioned.

I wanted to say that writing out a timeline has actually helped relieve this fear a little. BW doesn't want to see it, but if we ever get back to the Q&A, I will be able to pull out the written account as a sort official description.

I know that just having it written down doesn't mean that BW will believe it, or accept that it is everything. But it makes me feel better that I have an document that I can go back to.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Matilda23
Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

Thank you for your responses, they are appreciated. I will be sitting down to create a timeline for BBF. He deserves all the pieces for for him to decide if he would like to reconcile.
If you want all of the questioning to stop, answer all the questions (a few times). You have to accept that your word isn't trusted.
EM, my words aren't trusted. He trusted me to have a few drinks with my coworker after our workout, while he was at home with his friends from out of town. Instead, I decided to meet up a customer and begin my EA that turned into a PA. I'm disgusted, because given my past (I cheated on my then bf of six years with different men, a whole different story), this was the day that I gained his trust and shattered everything he believed. I now can only prove to him with actions, and me writing it down is an action.
Start with where and when. Places and dates. You can expand from there.
HFM, I will start with the dates, places, what I was wearing and the times. I remember those details, but the feelings I will honestly say I have pushed aside. I did not want to face the reality of it and I know if I want for him to heal and feel safe, I must start with facing my fears. I am ashamed of what I have done do him, causing him to think he could trust me when I created a false relationship. I will continue to add the the time line and search for my feelings as he has asked for that.

my conversations with BH about how I was feeling started with "I think it was maybe because..." or "maybe I felt like..."
Jovie, I have been doing this, but it makes me feel like it's just another "I don't know" or "I don't remember" because now I am trying to guess how I was feeling. Why can't I just express what I was exactly feeling? I know it's the why I have to figure out, and it's something I an continually working on. I still continue to use this method though, because it's what I feel can express me. I know it sounds like craziness and he and I both agree I am very crazy.
I know that just having it written down doesn't mean that BW will believe it, or accept that it is everything. But it makes me feel better that I have an document that I can go back to.
SR, I hope it will make me feel better. I hope this will help BBF feel like he will be safe with me.

Thank you guys again, I really do appreciate it.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 8