SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: 6 years later, a deal breaker
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 25th (Friday)

6 years of reconcilation with some ups and downs, but I've had enough. I asked her for a divorce. Lots of emotions running though my mind. but i think this is the best decision for me as there is no we in our marriage and I find myself being the doormat once again.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, April 25th (Friday)

I've been where you are now ... and (as my signature line promises) there is Peace in your future.

((((slicerboy))))


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 25th (Friday)

((((slicerboy)))) I'm sorry things did not turn out as you had hoped. Welcome to D/S. This is a very supportive and fierce family you're joining. We've got your back.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25716 | Registered: Aug 2011
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 25th (Friday)

Welcome to D/S. It took me 2 years after D-day #1 to get to that point. Sometimes, you just know.

For me, when I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than with him, I knew that it was time to begin that life alone.

It's a hard road, but can be very fulfilling.

Lean on us.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 25th (Friday)

What Williesmom said, word for word.

My D-day #1 was 12/22/11; I moved out and filed Thanskgiving weekend 2013. Sometimes there's just no fixing it no matter how much you try and want to, and you just have to finally let go for your own sake.

We've got you. You're not alone.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 429 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, April 25th (Friday)

Thanks for the quick replies... I started researching the divorce process and the filing paperwork is dozens of pages long. Yikes!


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 25th (Friday)

You know how to eat an elephant, right? Same theory applies in divorce. Take it one bite at a time, hon.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25716 | Registered: Aug 2011
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 25th (Friday)

And the only timeline you need to follow is your own timeline (except for mandatory waiting times). Move as quickly or as slowly as works for YOU at any given moment.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17683 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, April 25th (Friday)

You will get through it. Yes, it can be a bumpy ride, but the payoff is that you no longer live in limbo, with a WS, or always looking over your shoulder for the next Dday!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
trustagain
Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, April 25th (Friday)

I was going to post the same thing today. It has been five years for me and I am in the same shoes. We to reconciled, but my marriage just isn't the same.

I hope you find peace within yourself.


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4472 | Registered: Nov 2007
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, April 25th (Friday)

That's a lot of work - I'm so sorry that reconciliation never took hold.

I'm only three years out but finding myself in a similar bucket right now.

You'll know it's best for you when you feel the combination of fear and peace at the same time.

We're here for you.

(((slicerboy)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, April 25th (Friday)

I did catch myself daydreaming about not having to verify her actions anymore... that made me smile


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
deena
Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, April 25th (Friday)

Welcome slicerboy

I too have recently called it quits.
It is just over 4 years for me since dday, longer with suspicions.
I just couldn't try anymore by myself.

And yes, people here will help you out.



Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3050 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

I'm sorry you find yourself in a M you cannot continue. I feel sad that so many years of trying ended this way and also that others responded feeling the same.

By the same token, you have found one silver lining already. Keep that frame of mind. You sound strong in your decision. Eat that elephant.

(((slicerboy)))

(I just have to note that THAT name could strike fear in many people if it were 'slicerGIRL'.) (Sorry, I'm bad, I know, 2x4 me. I apologize but the devil made me do it!)


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2381 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

As much as the D process sucks, it sure beats the alternative. 6 years is a long time to be suffering. I sure hope it wasn't all bad. But good for you my man.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5720 | Registered: Nov 2007
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

You'll know it's best for you when you feel the combination of fear and peace at the same time.

Wow.. That sums up perfectly how I felt when I started taking steps to detach.

(((Slicer)))

I've had to focus on the most ridiculous things to help me find a bright side in this. More room in the closet. Extra drawer space in the bathroom. No clutter in the storage room.

I'm sorry R didn't work. No matter what, I always think it's sad on some level when a marriage ends. It's the death of dreams.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

It sounds like you truly gave it your best shot. I'm sorry that it didn't work out.

Welcome to D/S. It's a great board that is super helpful.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

We all reach DONE at different times for different reasons - the good news is once you reach it it sticks.


Be gentle with yourself. I found the disappointment all consuming after only a 3m False R.

I saw a great quote here once: "Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve".

Remember what you deserve.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

So we talked a lot last night about ending our marriage. Lots of the discussion seemed like reconciliation. Is this normal? Maybe today is a fresh start to a real R and not false R? I don't like to think the last 6 years have been entirely false R, it's just the WS behavior continues so she just hasn't been truly remorseful. I don't know what to think.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

I don't know what behaviour you're talking about but if she isn't changing behaviour and you've made it clear that it is a dealbreaker then it sounds like there has been some rugsweeping going on on both sides in order to continue R.

The sucking back in when you're on your last straw is called Hoovering and it is very normal. Not healthy but normal.

I suggest you read everything in The Healing Library - especially these articles:

The Role of the WS and Achieving Healing
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/healing.asp

Important Truths about R
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/truths.asp

Guilt vs Remorse
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/guilt.asp

Hoovering
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

[This message edited by SBB at 5:14 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

The hoovering post really stuck a chord with me. I'm definitly feeling "like she might be getting it this time". We'll see what tonight brings, no conversation today. just the ordinary routine of being parents on a weekend and running errands.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

Nothing to report from last night. Rugsweeping on both sides... I didn't initiate conversation, she didn't initiate conversation.

This morning I woke and was rationalizing whether her actions are a deal breaker or a setback. Emotionally unavailable, cake-eating, ego-stroking and fishing for attenting... dealbreakers! My heart is heavy this morning thinking about it.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

((slicerboy))

"The harder you work the harder it is to surrender"

I fought hard for my M in its dying years - all well before DD. I begged, pleaded screamed, yelled - all the way to becoming numb. I had no idea where my loving and attentive husband went or why he was ignoring me and our beautiful girls.

I worked so hard just to stay married to that guy. I still don't understand why.

I think a part of it is I didn't want to be SO wrong about him. I was though. I was completely wrong about him.

Whatever happens, know this - you're going to be OK.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 27th (Sunday)


SlicerBoy, I'm sorry that you found yourself here after 6 years. But now you are not sure anymore, because she seems to "be really getting it", I hope that to be true.

Was there a particular thing that happened that brought you to the place of "I'm done"?

I've just recently come to that place myself. After an emotional soul searching, faith renewal weekend, I called him to talk about us,and it was such a simple thing - but at the end of the conversation that was just going in circles he ended it with "Nice talking to you" - I don't know why, but that was it for me - sounds so stupid really, but that sentence told me everything.

SBB - love this quote.

"Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve".


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

she's been emotionally unavailable for the past year or so. i chalked it up to work stress and we've been talking about it. I've told her several times I'm having a hard time understanding where her head is at and whether her heart is still in the relationship. The most recent attemp to connect on my part was met with "I'm not the right girl for you".

This is also "I love you but I am not in love with you"

Although there isn't a physical affair going on, emotionally she's checked out. Well she's trying to check back in now that I asked for divorce.


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
deena
Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Slicerboy I have to comment again.

Just lately WH tried his nice tactic again. When I told him being civil is good for the kids sake but no touching, he got pouty and mean. I let him be nice for several days as it was before Easter supper which I didn't want ruined. Then he also started in with the touching. After him attempting to do this in past when threatened with separation, me falling for it, then him going back to being a cold jerk I became immune to it.

Maybe this will work out for you and she is true and maybe you just have to get toughened up to this hoovering to get immune to it.

Either way be cautious and good luck


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3050 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

an update - i had been receiving mixed signals from her, some hovering, some affection, small talk, etc. So I ask her when we can talk again, we held off convo until after the kids went to bed. just a few mins into the convo she clarifies for me that neither of us have changed our minds and she doesn't know how it got this bad, but she agrees to a divorce.

the last few days I reading her mixed signals as a sign that she wanted in, but in reality, they weren't signs at all. So I got what I needed to hear, she didn't come asking for another chance, she didn't ask what we can do to save the marriage, she doesn't want to put in the work to keep me

So I confronted her on this and we discussed, at a high level, that we will proceed with a joint filing. we don't have a timeline set, we agreed to wait until school is out before telling the kids. I shared with her that I am willing to try fixing things by going to marriage counseling before divorcing, another chance in a sense, she said she didn't want to do that. that's what hit me, she's fully checked out emotionally and her moving out is only a matter of time.


the dealbreaker for me was her expressing that she doesn't want to be here and that she'd rather be alone, she says she's frustrated with how things are, but doesn't want to work through it. I said that I deserve to be treated better, she says to her that means that I deserve someone better


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
AlwaysBeenStrong
Member
Member # 39888
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I have 3 years of ups and downs, mostly downs underneath my belt. I am starting to believe, I do deserve better and finally filed. So if your WW won't give the effort or take the greatest gift you could give her, another chance, then it's time to give up too.

Buckle up it's going to be a bumpy ride! (((slicer)))


BW: 41 (me)
Divorced soon.
Moving forward.
Pre Nursing Student
Getting a Do over at 42

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Lonelyville
doin just fine
Member
Member # 10041
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Sorry slicer. it sucks. I'm in the same boat 8 years later. It's overwhelming.

Posts: 441 | Registered: Mar 2006
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I spent 2 hours going through the state templates for divorce. I live in a no-fault state, have children, real estate, and financial assets.

I have the contact information for a family law office which I obtained through my employer's legal plan.

Just need to gather the courage to call and make an appointment... I will complete this step


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
one2ndchance
Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Her disinterest in improving the marriage, her lack of emotions toward you, her disconnect....these were all the signs my STBXWH displayed when he was looking for someone else.

I'm not saying she's definitely cheating again, but I'll bet money she's sure thinking about it.

Get out now, honey...don't waste anymore time. Wish I hadn't.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Agreed, her actions scream of the FOG, gaslighting, blameshifting, rugsweeping, etc.

In fact she was really upset with me yesterday that after 6 years since I found out of her betrayal that I was asking for a divorce.

She's also recently asked me if there is someone else.

Wow, maybe she does have an interest in mind. Financially she can't really afford her own place without saving up some cash, and there isn't any family nearby. Perhaps she has a friend in mind, she only tells me she'll figure it out.

I just can't believe that through all the tears and the talkings of the kids and the 20 years we've been together, she'd just grow tired enough to walk away...

and from prior experience, if it doesn't make sense, it's because it's not true. She has to be lying, but I don't have "proof" and I'm not searching for "proof"


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

the dealbreaker is that she told me she wants to be alone, when I asked if there was someone else, she said no, but many of you would tell me that that's a lie and I know from experience that you'd be right


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Her actions are proof enough. Whether she has found her next target or not is not your concern - the fact that she is looking is enough.

I was very uncertain of myself when I walked away for good. He cured me of that uncertainty pretty quickly with his monstrous behaviour. It hurt like hell at the time but I now see his complete lack of remorse as a gift. It forced my hand well before I had the strength or courage to do so myself.

Be gentle with yourself. Please find people IRL who will support you through this. Don't do it alone.

Find your anger and channel it into evicting this parasite from your life.

It is had to believe what your eyes are seeing - I'm still astonished at what that guy did to me and our children. I'm still astonished at what he continues to do to them - he has no regard for anyone or anything besides feeding his love addiction.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
slicerboy
Member
Member # 22202
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

So tonights she's browsing online for mother's day gifts for my mom and asking me what I think of the things she's thinking of getting for her. WTF!


Me: Realizing my worth
Her: Escaping

Two children, innocent victims (14 & 15)

When I look back, we both hurt each other in so many ways and our lack of honesty and maturity coupled with poor communication led us to where we are today


Posts: 810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Minneapolis
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

She's been keeping up this facade for much longer than you've known about it.

It is Cheaters Handbook stuff. She'll soon start talking about how she wants to be 'friends' and other rubbish 'for the kids' - all tools they try to use to keep us compliant.

Wait until she realises she no longer has control of you or that her tactics no longer work on you. It is quite a show!


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 36