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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: How many WS married their AP?
Caretaker1
Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 25th (Friday)

As a betrayed spouse, how many out there had their WS marry and live happily ever after with the AP? Kids involved ? How did they adapt ?

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, April 25th (Friday)

I sincerely doubt it's happily ever after, but ex married OW a little over a year ago. Almost 3 years after the divorce was final.

He told one of the kids after the fact. Didn't even invite his own kids to the wedding.

DS18 has mentioned how insecure wifetress is. Gee, can't imagine why that is.

ETA: my kids are older so it really doesn't effect them. DS22 didn't care when he heard about the marriage. DS18 was pissed that his dad was so inconsiderate about not telling them before the wedding, and told his dad how he felt. DS18 was also concerned about how I would take the news, but he had nothing to be worried about. I was only surprised that it had taken them so long.

[This message edited by inconnu at 10:45 PM, April 25th (Friday)]


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
itstoomuch
Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

Posting as the now an adult child whose parents divorced in April 21 years ago & remarried to other people the following September. Yes, both my parents just celebrated their 20th anniversary with their second spouse. :/

'Somewhere' in the midst of my father being unhappy with my mom & starting a divorce process, my now stepmother was also divorcing her first husband. And "somewhere" in the midst of all that, the two of them hooked up. Though I never heard the words cheating or affair as a teenager back then, I and my sister both knew in our gut they were together before our parents divorced. Only last week my mother revealed to me that my stepmom started and expedited her divorce after my dad started divorcing my mom. My dad and stepmom taught at same school together. A couple years ago I learned my mom caught them in a car together while my parents still living in same house/not yet divorced. Out with my mom...in with stepmom. No down time at all.

As adult now, and a BS at that, I see things in a different light. As a teenager, you just didn't question my dad. Actually still can't. But I'm not stupid. It is just what it is. I was awful stepdaughter and hated stepmom. But to her credit she has hung in there with me and loved me like a daughter when I did everything to be unloveable. My sister wasn't so aggressive but she still was hurt by it all. Now over the years...I'm just as close to her as my own mother. And my sister is as well. And that's really to my stepmom's credit honestly.

If I sit and think about it, I get real angry for my mother. I hurt for her. She got the bad end of the stick. Tho to the outside it appears my dad is 10x stronger than my mom- I have so much more admiration for my mother. She endured much humiliation by the way things went down. But she is such an honorable woman.

I hate how my father treated my mother, but I don't relive it anymore. It just is what it is. :/

Now, if my WH left me for AP, I don't think I could keep my mouth quiet like my mother did. Just the idea sets me off on a rant and rage! Thankfully not on table for us. Just posting as one if those kids of the past divorce & remarriage....


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2014
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

Another adult child.

Mom M the OM the day her D from dad was finalized, I was 8yo. After my '06 d-day I learned that there had been others. I did know she was cheating with him though because she took us on their dates and to his house to spend the night while dad was working swing shift. We were excluded from the wedding. As a little girl I always thought a wedding meant I could have a pretty dress and toss flowers. Instead we stayed with some of her friends and they watched The Fog and fed us peanut butter sandwiches.

We had a messed up family so part of me thought it was ok for her to hang out with this guy while dad was gone. Likely because I had seen it before with her hanging out with dad's friends. I didn't realize what they were doing while we were locked in a tiny dark room at his place. I was just concerned for me feeling scared and cold.

It was dad that actually worried me. We came home one day to our coffee table chopped up by him using a machete. Another time he took us to find her, driving around in the dark desert. As a kid, that's what worried me.

Did they live happily ever after? Apparently she cheated on him multiple times, even naming my half brother after one of his friends. They D by the time I was 13yo or so. When you see what we saw, deep down you know people are disposable to the wayward parent. I was...mom gave me up without a fight and, after some attempts in my teens, we pretty much are NC. She claims all the other kids but not me.

How did we kids adapt? I never attached to him. I had figured out that mom having a "boyfriend" wasn't right. I connected dad's anger to that, though it wasn't until my own d-days that I got the intensity. Two years later I asked to live with my dad and new stepmom. Mom had already tried to give me to dad but the courts wouldn't split us up. When asked at the trial I kept saying I wanted my mommy AND my daddy. I didn't get having to pick. So once I did, I was with dad and stepmom.

Again, messed up family dynamics meant that even though dad's M lasted longer, none of us have contact with either stepparent now. Yes, we adapted and lived what we could of a normal life. But it's hard to tell where our issues come from because we each experienced our parents doing drugs, alcoholism, verbal and physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect. I suspect sexual abuse based on some behaviors and a few flashes of memory. Those are of my mom doing inappropriate things to me, but I suspect my stepdad might have abused my older sister.

Bro had a kid at 19yo and eventually M the mom. She cheated on him and left him a few years ago but they R...if you call it that. They're together but not dealing with their issues. Sis started being sexually active at 13yo. She cheated on her fiancé and M the OM. He was actually a good guy and I didn't know until after my d-day it started as an A. He kowtowed to her, thinking that he owed it to her for making the choices he did. Around '11 she left him for our cousin and reports are that she's due with his baby next month. Apparently my mom and our aunt are thrilled.

Me, I had one serious relationship, MrH. At 18yo he was my first kiss. He has cheated on me and physically abused me in different ways since we started dating in '92. First it was all I knew but as I stood up for myself, he stopped. First the abuse in '97. Now the cheating. We're at an ok place and I'm focused on dealing with my demons and making sure we don't pass the poison of our childhood down to our kids.

That's where this becomes more comforting for those worried about their kids. I know from my life that having a stable influence can mean so much to a child. There were problems living with dad and stepmom, but it was a safer environment than my other siblings had. I grew up with better insight and boundaries. I just let my desperation for love weaken those boundaries. I'm better adjusted compared to my siblings.

I know that if we do finally D, the kids will be better off than we were. There will be issues to deal with, but having safe parents will mean the world of difference. That's what I see when I read here. Lots of safe parents, looking out for the mental and physical wellness of their children. I'm convinced that though the situations are messed up, having ONE parent do the right thing by them will make all the difference.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11225 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

My ex married his AP one month after the D was final. He moved her and her kids in, and they've been playing Brady Bunch EOW and one weeknight since last summer.

My kids are still little-- the oldest is 10-- and they're dealing with it as best they can under the circumstances. The first and most important thing I did was get them into counseling. They also joined a divorce support group at school.

I also told them the truth-- I said that their dad started dating their now-stepmother while he and I were still married, and that's why we had to get divorced. I wanted them to know the truth because otherwise, it was very confusing to them. First, they were hit with the terrible news that their parents were divorcing, and then, about eight months later, they met their dad's GF who suddenly became his wife about five months after that. It was inappropriately rushed, and once my kids understood why, it was easier for them to cope with.

I'm not sure if "happily ever after" is possible for my ex. He's constantly looking for something to fill the void in his soul, and I've gotten little hints here and there that life is not perfect in Happy Unicorn Cheaters Land. But, I'm working toward indifference (what we call "meh" around here) rather than focusing on the dynamics in my ex's relationship. I try to keep my mind on doing what is best for the kids, and I'm grateful that they aren't being abused or neglected when they visit him. Do they like going there? Not really. Their father has totally sold them out for his AP. He focuses on her and treats them like pretty accessories that make his blended family facade look more attractive. They sense that. But, they could be in a worse situation, so I try to keep them feeling upbeat about their visits and remind them that they spend most of their time with me.

If that's the road your WS is going down, just do your best for the kids. Don't assume that they're the perfect couple and living happily ever after, and more importantly, try working on not caring about that at all. All I know is that I would never, ever want my XWH back, so even if he does find bliss with someone else, I would never have that with him, so I shouldn't pine for something that wouldn't exist.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

Ex-shat and stripper-whore have an OC. They got married last December...a year after D was final and OC was born.

They aren't 'happy' together. They are dysfunctionally functional together...if that makes sense.

They play family EOW to Teslet. They make a big deal out of him having a little sister. Teslet likes stripper whore and she is nice to him. In fact, Teslet wanted to give her some little chochky girl's play jewelry ring that he got from school. So, I guess you could say that he's adapted well.

t/j:
I've adapted fairly well to the situation too. I think that is the hardest part: realizing that the kiddo's perspective will never be ours. That they will always desire a relationship with both parents despite what wrongs were committed. If Teslet would have given that play ring to stripper whore last year, it would have really upset me. I would have taken that as a slight to myself. But when he said he wanted to give the ring to her this week, I thought what a sweet and thoughtful kid he was. It also helps that he observed that I have lots of jewelry but stripper whore doesn't have any. And the evil part of me hopes that he makes that observation to them too!
end t/j.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4684 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

Same here, I hear rumors and Perv talked about it several years ago...before I even fully knew what he was doing or that OW existed.

As for "happily ever after with their AP", this is questionable. He thinks he is but I understand and hear that it is not all green grass, rather like a cow pasture with spots in the grass of perfection.

He thinks it is better because he's away from me, but people tell me that he actually has a lot more problems then he did before. When I think of it, it's kind of funny.

Kids seem to adapt over time and the ones that I know actually make fun of WS and AP.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:23 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

Thier wedding is today, actually. Some quickie event at their home so she can move in with a happy conscience.
The kids are excited about it. His family is participating and also seem all accepting of it. Not like he gave anyone a choice.

I'm mixed about it personally. I have moved on and have a better life. But in a way, it's one more ending of that life I thought I would have. That it is her bites a little as well.

So far he has kept her away from kid events. Now that she will have legal status, i am sure that will change. I don't look forward to that. Frankly, he has more to lose, I know about things that she does not. ( like how he was sleeping with us both at the same time)

I guess the part that bothers me is it still feels like she "won". And even though I do all the " well just look at what she actually won" the truth is I did everything in my power to save that marriage and couldn't. More healing to do here, boo.

[This message edited by LearningToRun at 8:48 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]


Posts: 274 | Registered: Feb 2011
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

Well they are M but I know they are not happy. My DD refuses anything to do with the whore and also refused to see X at all until the M broke up the first time. They now live in another country and DD has only seen X once and that was when he was visiting his family.

How do I know they are not happy? First X told me when they broke up the first time (and he was trying to worm himself back into my life ) Apparently his family, who thought whore was so great when he was still M to me, saw her true colors and hated her. This probably had more to do with their friends reactions to the whore. They thought they could pass her off as someone X met after our D. I told one person what really happened and who she really was (his cousin ) and the gossip flew. So the poor muffin was not accepted and by association MIL and SIL felt the heat. He also told me that they fought constantly. She resented that he had to pay me CS and he resented that she refused to share any of her money to pay the bills. But the most shocking thing is that he told me he hit her! In the 20 years we were together he never even threatened violence let alone hit me. So they broke up after a year. Then a couple of years went by and X could not find a job and SIL was sick of him mooching off her so she sent him to live with OW. So now he mooches off OW. When he visited his family over xmas he told his sister that he made a terrible mistake and she then told me that. I changed the subject, but all I could think was "NO shit sherlock! but your revelation came 9 years too late asshole!"

So yes they are M. No it is not happy. And he has completely alienated his child.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17685 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 26th (Saturday)

XWH married OWifetress less than a year after D. IrishLad has adapted, can't say if it is "well" or not as he very rarely talks about what he does when he is there. I have adapted and moved on and I believe that has helped IrishLad cope. As for "happy"? That is not my place or concern any longer, I am happy and what happens with them is not my business nor do I care so long as my child is not affected.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

Mine hasn't married her, but the Assclown and OW have been living together since shortly after we separted in 2008. I don't know if they are "happy", but he is no longer my problem, and I am grateful for that.

It does sting to hear my DD refer to OW's kid as "her brother". Not "my dad's gf's son", or "my stepbrother", but "brother".


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7824 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

Another adult child here. They married a few years later but my parents divorced because dad was having an affair with OW.
He's had at least one affair on her. They are unhappily married 35 years later and I think he's just too old to cheat now.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5269 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

He married her. How happy they are? I don't know and really don't care. Just like any other relationship you never know how things are behind closed doors.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

Another betrayed child here.

Mum had an exit A and left my dad for the OM when I was eight. There was a bit of to-ing and fro-ing between the houses. Mum and dad tried to R for the sake of us kids which ended miserably, that's what damaged me the most, all the uncertainty.

Mum and OM have been together twenty years now and are very happy. OM, now my step dad, has been amazing. My dad was still very involved with us kids, saw us every weekend so my step dad had to walk a very thin line, being an involved parent but not being a dad. He did it perfectly and I love him very much. I had three fantastic adults in my life and now my own kids have three amazing grandparents.

It was awful and very upsetting at the time, the arguments and the yelling after Dday, I remember it all. As the eldest of the three kids I carry all the emotional scars. I'm working through it in IC at the moment. None of those scars were from the A though, my mum and OM being together was a good thing for our family. They went about it in a really shitty way, but we all made it through.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1248 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

My ex married the OW, who was also my best friend, one month after I re-married. He got engaged one month after I got engaged. I believe his timeline was partially due to her divorce taking a VERY long time (her ex, who she left for my ex, was not as easy to divorce as me. I just wanted out. He wanted her punished), but also because I believe they felt their conscience was clearer when they could say "look, she's happy and moving on, so this isn't wrong."

Are they happy? Don't know, don't particularly care, to be honest. I do not feel he is a good father to our children, and THAT I care about.

How have my kids adjusted? The best they can. Kids are resilient, and I think do what they need to survive their situation. I had them in 2 years of therapy following the divorce, and back again for 4 months recently as issues continue to crop up because of their father's home.

I have never told them. I honestly don't know how I've had the strength to act so sanely, other than love for my children. My oldest (now 14) FINALLY had a point blank conversation with me about it this fall (he was 10 when everything happened). He asked me point blank "Dad left you for her, didn't he. He cheated on you with her. That's why you never talk about her, and suddenly stopped being friends with her." I said yes, and he cried saying his Dad has repeatedly lied to him when he's asked him, and even angrily told him to stop telling lies around the younger kids (she has 3 kids with her ex).

It's all heartbreaking, but all outside my control. They are thriving in my home, and seem resigned to their situation at their dad's. My kids seem to have adopted my "it is what it is" attitude.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

Mine hasn't, as far as I know.

BUT .... I have a friend, who left his 1st W for OW after 9 years or so. He admitted to me that OW was OW, but I hadn't experienced adultery yet.

I found it incredibly strange that my friends 2nd W would never, ever, ever let him hang out alone. I didn't especially like her, so I didn't get it at the time why she was ALWAYS around.

They've been M'd about 7 years at this point. I don't even talk to him, b/c I don't want to be around her. I don't think he's happy, as he's treated like a child who can't be trusted. Which, obviously, he can't be.

I think OW thought having the kid would keep him in line. I have a feeling that if he's not in another A now, he will be soon enough.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 764 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

My exwh married one of the OW. They married in secret. One child was told afterwards. Kids still hate her. Kids were pissed. She is extremely insecure (no idea why ) He isn't allowed to go anywhere without her. He is never allowed to spend time with his children on his own. On the rare occasion he picks up the kids on his own he has to ring where once he arrives and ring her when he is leaving.

They are not happily married because I hear from youngest DS about the fighting that occurs every weekend he is there and Dad frequently sleeps in DS room, or on the floor or on the sofa.

It's a matter of time before they are divorced as well.

Paradise isn't all it seemed I guess.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

Kids involved ? How did they adapt ? When we say things like kids "adapt" or kids are "resilient" when dealing with their parents divorce, we are bullshitting ourselves. They kinda of don't have a choice. I just finished reading the book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" in which the author follows the lives of children of divorce from a young age until middle age. The author was surprised at the long lasting effects of divorce (not even talking about divorce involving infidelity!!). I'm sure many of our friends here whose parents divorced can and have shared how they "adapted".

Caretaker1, are you asking because you are you curious or ???

If you can, borrow the book. Although did not touch on infidelity, I thought it was a very informative book.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2270 | Registered: Oct 2012
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

When we say things like kids "adapt" or kids are "resilient" when dealing with their parents divorce, we are bullshitting ourselves. They kinda of don't have a choice. I just finished reading the book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" in which the author follows the lives of children of divorce from a young age until middle age. The author was surprised at the long lasting effects of divorce (not even talking about divorce involving infidelity!!).


This! My father cheated on my mother the first 35 years of their marriage. I knew he did. They nearly divorced over it. I cannot begin to write about the ways it has affected me. Divorce does permanent damage to kids. Of course they survive. No choice. But they're not unaffected by any means.

My husband's daughter clearly has issues with it. She's a lovely young woman who is scared to marry her wonderful bf of 5 years. Us nearly splitting didn't help that at all.

I feel so much pain for these kids. They will never be the same.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1497 | Registered: Nov 2010
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

My ex married the ow about 3 months after the divorce was final. Kids were 4 and 7 when he left, 2years older when he got married. She was introduced fairly early on, but after the divorce was under way. No idea if they are happy, we have very few mutual friends, none close. The kids like her and since evidently I am still am the source of all evil to my ex, communicating with her is less nasty and more productive.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
trying_2_recover
Member
Member # 28778
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

They are not married but have been living together since before the divorce was final.

My children where just entering adulthood at the time this all blew up and I feel that it caused them to make some really bad choices looking for security.

My oldest I believe likes OW better than she likes me sadly. My youngest is still pretty torn since her dad obviously favors OW's kids over her, I believe it's due to her disabilities personally. He never has accepted them.


Posts: 243 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Washington
Caretaker1
Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to relate to this very fast change in family. She's a jerk and so is he. They don't share my moral compass but I'm going to have to play nice in the sandbox,. Those of you who are indifferent, I wish I get there. Right now, they are rubbing if in my face and quickly trying to blend families.

Is what it is, but fuck them. I didn't sign up for this crap and it's a stain on my journey in my life.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 10:44 PM, April 27th (Sunday)]


Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 28th (Monday)

There is a family member who left his W for his OW. They are married and have a child of their own. They are pretty happy. They have had struggles just like any other marriage but he seems to worship his new wife. They don't spend a lot of time apart, not because his wife is insecure, she encourages him to do things without her, but because they enjoy spending time together. I see BS on here talking about how much the WS and OW think about them and every thing they do is tied to the BS but I don't see that at all. Not every marriage that starts out as an affair is doomed. Although I know that's what we all want to believe.

Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 28th (Monday)

They have had struggles just like any other marriage but he seems to worship his new wife. They don''t spend a lot of time apart, not because his wife is insecure, she encourages him to do things without her, but because they enjoy spending time together.

And you know this how? Because people never ever ever ever pretend, lie and Facebook their happiness to the world when goodness only knows what it''s really like.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, April 28th (Monday)

In my situation...before I knew the true extent of their relationship......He had to chance to marry her....but for whatever reason, asked t marry me...This is all hindsight of course.

I haven't filed because I dont have the money to do so. He hasnt either though. He lived with the AP and takes our kids around her family, but he doesn't come around his own.

I want him to be happy, but it won't be with this girl. I truly do hope he figures it out though.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, April 28th (Monday)

Cayc because we are close to them. I don't know why a lot of people on here claim what great marriages they had before the affair but if someone says they know a wayward is happy with their new spouse they must be lying, cheating, pretending, etc.

I don't think it does BS any good to say that all marriages that start as affairs NONE of them are happy. Some are, some aren't.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 28th (Monday)

xwh married one AP three months after ink was dry on nearly 19y marriage. How one can do that is beyond me. Talk about trapeze artist move!

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 28th (Monday)

After reading so many stories on SI--allowing for logic to dictate that some "affair-marriages" do succeed--the vast majority of these people are unhappy and deeply selfish individuals. It stands to reason that they will take these traits into the next marriage, which it seems to me are not the makings of a happy marriage.

And remember: these are two morally reprehensible people who had no problem leaving emotional casualties in their wake.

So, marriages? Sure, of course. Happy ones, in which the two people will suddenly lose these traits and/or spare only each other their corrupt cores? I'm skeptical to say the least.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 28th (Monday)

After reading so many stories on SI--allowing for logic to dictate that some "affair-marriages" do succeed--the vast majority of these people are unhappy and deeply selfish individuals. It stands to reason that they will take these traits into the next marriage, which it seems to me are not the makings of a happy marriage.
And remember: these are two morally reprehensible people who had no problem leaving emotional casualties in their wake.

So, marriages? Sure, of course. Happy ones, in which the two people will suddenly lose these traits and/or spare only each other their corrupt cores? I'm skeptical to say the least.


AMEN Abbondad!!!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Dadtryingtocope
Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 28th (Monday)

I think this is the subject I could write a book on. Come to think of it maybe someday I will. So here is the timeline for me:

Dday - August 2012

I filed in September of 2012 (after doing a lot of reading here and soul searching and figuring out while I was working on R she was continuing A).

After battling through the divorce process (again I did all the work) we finalized in April 2013.

She got engaged in May 2013

She got married in Sept 2013 to the AP in the Caribbean.

My kids were not invited. Her parents were not invited to the wedding but were invited to a reception back here, which they declined to attend.

How do my kids deal with it? Better than I did. I hate both of them. I don't know any other way to express it. I hate what she did to me, my family, her family, our kids, friends, etc. etc. I hate him just as much. I feel like a butcher block I've had so many knives in my back. But like others have said here, it is not my problem anymore. Sometime down the road I won't even have to deal with two selfish cheaters. But my kids will always have to deal with them (if they stay together). For them I am sad. Because I don't see any way it can be a healthy relationship.

Oh they will try and make it look that way. They parade around their gym together. But I don't think they are good enough people to beat the odds. Not to mention he's had more than one occassion of domestic issues. So he's a dirtbag too.

I feel for my kids. It has affected them permanently. I have a 12 year old on the autistic spectrum who regressed and is still working his way back. He is sad still and hurt. He just shows it differently. I have an 8 year old who was forced to grow up before she was ready. It's sad. So I can't help the hate I feel for the two of them. All this damage to all these people. Not sure how either one sleeps at night knowing what they did. I guess they don't really care. I should stop being mad and just feel sorry for them I guess.

Sorry for that long winded answer.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 557 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Perhaps 2 morally bankrupt people can be happily married. Maybe their mutual ignorance about what a real loving relationship entails safeguards them from being unhappy.

Is it the kind of relationship I want?
Nnnnnnnnope.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 28th (Monday)

My father married his AP. They have been together over 26 yrs...give or take depending on if you count the time he was married to my mother.

We all get along fine. I did adjust as a child...I was around 14, I think. I knew it all.

My kids call my dad's wife grandma, she is good to my kids. I will never forget how she made her way in to my family but I will say that she has taken care of 2 of my ailing grandparents and is a key person in my family.

My mom remarried 8 yrs after the divorce and is very happy.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Ok, so are all the WS on this site that choose to try and better themselves ignorant? Or morally bankrupt? Just as a WS can choose to change and get help. A WS who marries an AP can do the same thing.

Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Dday 2008
Divorced 7/12 after 4yr separation
FT and Twat married days after divorce papers were signed.
They now have a baby = 8mo old

And....he continues to play his internet hook up games.He's now 75 yrs old

Best part he's not my problem.

I talked to him a year and half ago because we transferred title of car to me. He called me for dates he needed 6 mo ago and the conversation lasted 3 min.

I sure in hell didn't loose anything when he walked out but he did.

[This message edited by gma56 at 1:59 PM, April 28th (Monday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
dead_inside
Member
Member # 3438
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 28th (Monday)

My exh married his OW less than a year after our D was final. I was told that they were soulmates, and that they could only HOPE that I would someday find a love such as theirs....happy happy posts on FB, all that. They had a baby within 2 years of their M.

She only lasted 5 years with him and they have D'd as well, and are fighting bitterly in court now, each one trying to prove the other one is an unfit parent. I'm assuming money and control are at the root of that argument, not the well being of the child.

I have spoken to this OW/soulmate/evil ex recently and she swears he's a narcissist. It's possible.

In any case he's moving on to marriage number 3 now. I guess he really means it this time, that he's found his soulmate. And, as expected, this wedding is hot on the heels of that divorce.

I'm just glad I am so far removed from all that drama

ETA - how did our kid react to it? He's an adult now, and honestly, I don't really know how it has affected him. I focused on not badmouthing the ex, and the second wife (OW) was actually very caring towards him as far as I could tell, she seemed genuine, and he never complained about her. That was my main focus. Now he's old enough to not be too greatly affected by M #3.

I mainly wonder what his POV is on how his dad has been handling relationships? Of course I don't think it would be that appropriate of me to ask him, as much as I'd like to know...

[This message edited by dead_inside at 2:40 PM, April 28th (Monday)]


Me: FORMER BW
Him: WXH


Posts: 756 | Registered: Feb 2004
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 28th (Monday)

My XH is marrying OW next month. He's been living with her in the new house he bought since 2008, have no idea why they are getting married now. He's 55. He told my kids during the divorce process he will never get married again. I knew it was a lie.

OW tried to get him to go to sex rehab for his "sex addiction" (I found an email when we were still married from her) but I'm sure he never did because it was a place far away he would have to stay awhile. So that gives you a clue on their relationship.

She's a cheater, he's a cheater. They both drink way too much and think nothing about getting behind the wheel while drunk. They have no morals. He sat my kids down one time when they were living together that she came before them in his living will and they came last. That's who he is and she can have him.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7482 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Klove
Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 28th (Monday)

No all ws "who get help" are not morally bankrupt. As abandondad said- most rush into relationship 2 without fixing probs in themselves blaming those probs on relationship 1.

I think the situation you speak of is rare- not the norm.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Ok, so are all the WS on this site that choose to try and better themselves ignorant? Or morally bankrupt? Just as a WS can choose to change and get help. A WS who marries an AP can do the same thing.

Interesting thought but if they tried to better themselves, why would they be with AP? There have been WS who do the work to change and end up in new relationships, but I've never seen two people who cheated with each other mutually agree to change and make amends with the people and lives they destroyed and be better people. It's more like they are stuck with each other.

I guess it could happen but why would they be with each other then? I would think they would move on to a healthy relationship, if that were the case. Not with the AP.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7482 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 28th (Monday)

My XH married the OW 2 months after our D was final, that was 2 1/2 years ago. They seem to be living happily ever after but who knows what really happens behind closed doors. I just cant see a marriage that began with an A lasting, not to mention that she is 20 years younger than him. She is from South America and he is expected to support her family.. they all came up from her "homeland" once they were married and the whole family live in his house... only 2 out of the 5 of the family members speak English. I just dont see where he finds happiness in that, but I really dont know him anymore so who knows. We have a 19 y/o son who has accepted the situation and does his best to keep the peace. I am remarried and have moved on, but would so love to see the karma bus make a visit to his new life.


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
DepressedDaddy
Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, April 28th (Monday)

I just need to say that I love this thread. This is most likely my reality and I have been thinking a lot about it.

This is such good information and I am happy to be able to see some of y'all's experiences...knowing that I am not alone.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 811 | Registered: Dec 2013
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Ok, so are all the WS on this site that choose to try and better themselves ignorant? Or morally bankrupt? Just as a WS can choose to change and get help. A WS who marries an AP can do the same thing.
The WS's who are here and who chose to work on themselves and change are NOT married to the AP.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
ShellyShell
Member
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, April 28th (Monday)

My WS's dad remarried when WS was 3, to a woman his mom swears was the OW. His dad denies it and says they were just friends. Either way, they were married for 40 something years until the day she died. He damn near worshipped her. He always looked at her with moony eyes. When she got sick towards the end, he went to the hospital to visit her every day for 3 years until she finally succumbed.

That said, he also cheated on her for years. Well, we don't know for sure. But he was always taking out-of-town trips with alone his club and flirting heavily with the women. When she got sick, he quickly moved in with a woman from the club. He told his new GF his wife would always come first and he would always take care of her (thus the daily hospital visits) but still. I think it was pretty obvious.

It's always been weird to me how much my FIL clearly loved his wife while openly enjoying side action. I never understood it.

I may be an OC. I was the product of my parent's second marriage. My Dad had kids from his first marriage that cut ties with him shortly after he married my mom. She swears she met him after they had already split, but I also know my dad's ex wife has a child only a year or two older than me. My dad's dead and any attempt to contact my siblings has been rebuffed, so I will probably never know the truth. They were married for 30 years though, to the day he died. And my mom was always EXCESSIVELY jealous.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014
Dadtryingtocope
Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 28th (Monday)

There have been WS who do the work to change and end up in new relationships, but I've never seen two people who cheated with each other mutually agree to change and make amends with the people and lives they destroyed and be better people. It's more like they are stuck with each other.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This is the likely truth.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 557 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 28th (Monday)

There have been WS who do the work to change and end up in new relationships, but I've never seen two people who cheated with each other mutually agree to change and make amends with the people and lives they destroyed and be better people. It's more like they are stuck with each other.

I've seen it. It's uncommon but it happens.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1248 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, April 28th (Monday)

I agree. I have seen people change and that doesn't mean they go back to the one they wronged or even want to go back. But they learn and move forward. They make better choices. They have better relationships. They make the relationship they are in better. The couple I am talking about have had counseling and talk about issues past and that may creep up. I'm not saying it's the norm and happens all the time. I'm saying it happens. Some WS marry their AP and don't cheat and are happy. Thinking it never happens or the BS thinking they are always miserable hinders the BS I believe.

Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Ok, so are all the WS on this site that choose to try and better themselves ignorant? Or morally bankrupt? Just as a WS can choose to change and get help. A WS who marries an AP can do the same thing.

IMHO if the WS wanted to better themselves, they would have ended the M and then start a new relationship. Setting up the new relationship first, ripping the heart out of a family, does make them morally bankrupt, to me.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
beingmiranda
Member
Member # 32519
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, April 28th (Monday)

My xh left me for the ow. He literally left one day right after dday and moved right in with her. He did not want to be a part of our lives. We have one boy together. He did not see our son for 2 years. At his parents urging, he filed for visitation. Because he was gone for so long, there is no attachment with ds now. My son will go visit with dad sometimes. Sometimes he flat out refuses to go with dad. He and ow are still living together but have not married...it's been about 8 years from when I believe the affair began. Our divorce was final in 8/2011. I remarried just recently in 10/2013. My son tells me this threw ow for a serious loop. But yet... They are still together. Who knows what their relationship is like. On the outside they look happy. But then, why haven't they married? She's nearing 40 and has been vocal about wanting a child. Lots of observations on my part but all ii know is how much more awesome husband 2 is for me. :)


Me: now 38
Him: up and left for OW
OW: old maid mid thirties with biological clock ticking, desparate for a man.
Divorced the cheater - 8/2011
Married the most AMAZING man - 10/2013

Posts: 796 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: NJ
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Some WS marry their AP and don't cheat and are happy.

I'm sure some do, but what kind of relationship is that? A relationship born from infidelity and dishonesty can never be undone and become something that it's not. No matter how much therapy and talking. They still got together while destroying the lives of others who didn't deserve it. Have a great life.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7482 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, April 28th (Monday)

My parent's marriage was terrible. Yes, my dad cheated with his now wife, got her pregnant which was the END for my mother, no more chances.

My Dad is honestly a much better person than he ever was with my mother. Yes, he hurt me, my mom, and family. He left in the worst possible way. We were broke and struggled for a long time. My Mom showed me what strong was and how to forgive and move on. She will never be my father's BFF but she does still care for him from a distance. She knows my Dad did her a huge favor in ending the marriage even if he did it the way he did.

My mother was a wreck when she was married to my father. She has been happily remarried for YEARS.

Because of both of my parent's 2nd marriages I have wonderful extended family on both sides that I never refer to as step or half anything...they are family.

I know my case might be rare when all really does work out for the best.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Even though X said that his MOW was "brainwashed" into thinking that marriage was forever, he still convinced her to divorce her husband (or the husband finally woke up and divorced her) and then a month later the happy cheating couple were engaged.
That was last July.
There are no plans so far for the wedding that I know of.

She lives in Switzerland and she says that she won't just marry him so that he can get a visa to go work there. He has been unable to find a job so he can relocate.

She insisted that she could not remain unmarried in her profession. He caved and proposed.

I'll bet they will marry someday but I think the kiss of death for them will be to actually live on the same continent for extended periods of time.

They both know that the bubble will burst if they actually move in with each other.

X does not believe in marriage. He says that we are only meant to be with people for a short time and then move on.

I'm glad he moved on from me. Did me a big favour.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 7:51 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1420 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
missmydogs
Member
Member # 36559
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Add mine to the list too. They just got married less than a year after the divorce was final. They have an OC together. They live over 2000 miles away so he next to never sees our kids. I don't know if it's built to last. He treats her with a lot more respect than he's ever treated me. But he has and will continue to cheat on her. Better her than me


Me 36
DS 16
DD 4

Divorced!

I've made a huge mistake - GOB


Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: missmydogs
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

his mom swears was the OW. His dad denies it and says they were just friends.

Classic


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
getnbtr1
Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

My mother cheated on my dad and went on to marry her AP. They have been married for 42 years now. My step-father is a scum bag in many many respects. My father never fully recovered from the betrayal and the divorce was terribly bitter. This whole thing impacted me and my relationships with men for most of my adult life, and still does today, although I work and work on understanding it. So even though they went on to have a long marriage, it was not happy by any stretch and I think my mom stayed with him because she felt she couldn't be alone. I wish she had left my step dad decades ago :(

Posts: 97 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I know my case might be rare when all really does work out for the best.

My sister says this about my mom and dad. Although my dad cheated on her mom, it wasn’t with my mother. My daddy has quite a few baby momma’s. All of whom respect and love my mom and me. I can call on any of them in the same manner I do my own mother. We all can actually.

I believe the WS can change. The catalyst just may not be their current BS. Maybe it is…and maybe that change is best seen in another relationship.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
invictus
Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

PFffffftttt.

WS moved in with AP 2 or 3 months after D-day. They married almost a year after the divorce(his and hers) were final, I think.

I'm so screwed up that I actually hope they're happy and doing great...

...but he'd better get his act together and come through with the court-ordered spousal support before I have to file for bankruptcy!


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1866 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
formysister
Member
Member # 8615
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

We were all late teens/young adults when my parents got divorced because my dad had an OW. That was 15 years ago.

My mom (who I believe to be NPD) spent so many years, and so much energy trying to make us hate our dad. She told us icky "bedroom" things and long horrible stories about him and his family. It was always said in away that we needed to "know the truth" about who our father really was. She spend a lot of time telling us how much it would break her heart if we spoke to him or (God forbid) his wife. (BTW, mom married a guy she met at church even before my dad and OW were married).

If se disagreed with something we did we were "just like your father". She insisted we plan birthday parties for the grandkids with schedules for when he could be there and when she could...insisting she was there for presents and cake. One of my worst memories in my life was my son's funeral when she made it all about her and making sure everyone kept "that man" far away from her.

She once told me she hated looking at me because I had his eyes. I was sobbing horribly at the time while driving her home in a thunderstorm...8 months pregnant.

Long story short...I don't speak to my mother anymore. My siblings have minimal contact. Here's the hard truth: My stepmother, the OW, and my dad are literally the happiest couple I know. They travel, they are very active, and we all visit regularly. I never laugh so hard as I do when I visit them. My stepmom is a wonderful person. As much as we hated her in the beginning...I honestly don't know what I would do without her now.

It's a difficult thing for me to think about knowing the things I have been through.

There was a thread here a LONG time ago that I always wish I would have saved. It was about this very topic...something like "Sometimes they do make it"...about sometimes they do live happily ever after...they are better for each other...sometimes they never do get their "Karma". It really doesn't matter, all you can do is be the best person you can be. Anyone remember that thread? It helped me through a really rough time. Wish so much I could read it again.

Ok, back to lurkdom.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Oct 2005
imaf
Member
Member # 30916
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 30th (Friday)

My XWSO and myself were not married just engaged.
He moved in with her as soon as I left him. And I found out recently that within 2 years they were married and she was pregnant. From the outside they seem to have a beautiful life.

So why if they are so happy......
- did he log onto dating sites as soon as we broke up and they got together.
- 3,5 years later he still tries contacting me through several means. No reply my way.
-He has never mentioned her to me, not that I have given him the chance really. But in his long emails, not once has he mentioned her.

I think they are just pretending to live the fairy tale they created in their head. I suspect their marriage won't fall (their stupid sense of pride wouldn't allow it), but it will bring them problems. He is obviously still a cheater. And I would not like to be her at this moment.

There must be exceptions to the story and some affairs succeed and move on to happy marriages. To every rule there are exceptions, but they are just that exceptions.


Left him because I didn´t like his other girlfriend.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jan 2011
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 30th (Friday)

I asked the same question because I wanted to know there eventually would be a "correction" or "justice".

Now years later I don't care. I would rather be happy and so busy in my life that it is no longer my concern. I know what they did they do too- I am grateful I am not them.

It sounds odd but I guess if they did stay together the destruction of our family would have been worth it. But on some days I still don't get how she got my family but I wasn't married to her. He let this happen and well he is now tied to someone without values- I would never trade places with him.

Focus on your life. There are some that work and some that don't but don't stop YOUR life a wise person told me.


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jada4Max
New Member
Member # 43987
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Hello,
I am new to SI. Divorced BS with 2DDs. I have been lurking for a while, reading many of the posts and learning a lot.

I know this is an old topic thread, but I am curious about a response made by formysister.

Here's the hard truth: My stepmother, the OW, and my dad are literally the happiest couple I know. They travel, they are very active, and we all visit regularly. I never laugh so hard as I do when I visit them. My stepmom is a wonderful person. As much as we hated her in the beginning...I honestly don't know what I would do without her now.

If it is not too much to ask:
1) How did your Dad and stepmother move forward and create an environment where you went from "hating her" to "appreciating her"?

2) How was the affair explained?

3) Did they apologize to those that were hurt by their affair?

4) Did you have family counseling?

Thanking you advance for your response.

I apologize if this is a t/j.

[This message edited by Jada4Max at 7:46 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


BW-52
2DD
Divorced

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I filed for divorce in 2008. That year my ex and the ow got engaged. Divorce was final in 2009. They went to another state to get married a few months later because there is a 6 month waiting period in my state.

In 2012, the ow told me they were having problems. Apparently, they were both unhappy for years and cheated on each other. My ex walked out on her for another ow sometime last year. They are still married because neither one of them can afford to divorce the other.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4788 | Registered: Feb 2008
Harriet
Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

My ex has had an on again/off again relationship with OW. He is a serial cheater, so I think he is hoping to play the field a little and won't commit to living with or marrying the OW. At least not for a while.

Truthfully, though, I do not know what their relationship is like at all.

So to answer the original question: No, my ex has not married and is not living with the OW. My kids do not care for the OW and rarely spend time with her. I believe they think she is "ok" but just don't enjoy hanging out with her. They seem to be well adjusted, and I try to keep any bitterness or sadness I feel from affecting their relationship with their dad. He is very much a "Disney-Dad" but does keep up with his visitation and child support.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

A very unexpected Dday occurred in early Jan 11. The affair started 2 months earlier. We had a 90 day D and they married in July 12. They are still together to my knowledge though I'm close to his fam - they have sparse contact now.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 11th (Friday)

Raising hand here. He left 10 years ago when kids were 6, 8 and 10. Fast forward and they are now 16, 18, and 20. It pains me to think about the people that they should have become. There's no doubt this divorce and the constant mind games from OW and poopsmear have profoundly affected them. I see DD20 repeating so many of the unhealthy patterns in her own relationships with her BF. I see my DS18 acting so much like poopsmear that it's saddens me. He acts entitled, selfish and disrespectful to his sisters despite all my efforts. He's a super achiever in school and his extracurriculars so he thinks that's enough. My DD16 never forms any deep lasting attachments. She cycles through friends. She is emotionally extremely immature. In fact, I've come close several times in my sadness and frustration to posting about things going on with my children that are clearly byproducts of this messed up situation but it's just too depressing and seems hopeless and so I have not bothered.

I do think that the immaturity of the OW and NPD behaviors of poopsmear have done far more to contribute to their problems than simply the divorce did. Their loyalties were constantly vied for and mind games played.

I think they'd be better off if he had died.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 63