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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: How to tell her the D is final
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

Just kinda wanting some thoughts on this. My D is supposed to finalize tomorrow morning, like for real this time. Afterwards, I think I should tell her. Any communication we've had to have has been by email only, so this would be as well. This divorce is about as uncontested as one can be. I filed, I hired a lawyer, I actually participated. She couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge receipt of the petition which could have been done in less than 5 minutes online. Anything we sent her, she signed. I probably could have put something in there about her owing my half her paycheck each month and she would have signed it too. I don't know if it's guilt, her desire to get me out of her life as fast as possible, or both, but I guess I'm lucky that this isn't contentious.

Anyway, maybe some of that background info may be applicable to what I say when I tell her. I would tell her that I'll be in touch only once the house sells as her name is on a couple of the services here as well as the mortgage (though I got the house in the D). Beyond that, I have nothing left to ever discuss with her. Part of me wants to send something almost coldly short, like an email with a subject of "Divorce is final" with no text in the body. Another part of me wants to take a final petty parting shot at her that she may or may not even get, like "now it's "official," not that you waited for this anyway '" or "you got what you wanted from me for the last time." I know it won't do any good and may prompt a reply intended to hurt me.

So, for those who've been in a situation similar to mine who have finalized, how did you tell your ex it was done?


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1111 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
DepressedDaddy
Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

I, as you know, am not quite in this situation yet. I will be soon. My STBX is part of the process, so I won't have to tell her that it is final. However, I have thought about giving one last email about our M and what she did, but I am on the same page as you. Is it really worth it.

Now my STBX and I will have lots of contact post D, because of our DD, but I am so looking forward to not have to have some of these D conversations anymore.

MOS, I think you should keep it short and non descriptive. I think that will be more powerful than anything else you could say. Let us know what you decide.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 754 | Registered: Dec 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

She's a grownup and is party to this action. It is not your responsibility to inform her.

Contact her when you need to. Otherwise, don't.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:32 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8700 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

I am not there yet, hopefully June 10th, but my first gut reaction is crickets.

Just send a copy of the decree through the U.S.Mail.

Just a show of indifference.

Don't listen to me right now though, having one of those days.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1345 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

The court will send STBX the D finalization paperwork. I don't want to "tell" him anything. He isn't good enough to receive any communication from me. He was served 10 days ago. He can count to 61 for himself.
All breaking NC to tell her will do is poke the tiger. IMO you really don't need that drama. She might be so far gone she may not even care.
I won't tell him when the house sells either. I'm not his personal assistant anymore. He fired me as his wife, and, therefore, from any of my services.
Ftb.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2238 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

I'm on the other side of it. STBX is handling it. Also a very uncontested proceeding. I'm curious how she will tell me. I assume text or email. Or maybe just a mailed copy of the decree. I really don't have a preference and it sounds like yours doesn't either. My two cents is just mail her a copy. Don't spend time or energy on it if she's not interested. That's about as cold as it gets.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

You're all saying what I figured you'd say, and that's where I've been leaning - no more words than necessary. I've written letters to her that I never actually sent her but rather shared here because I needed to get it out. Sharing with her only opens me up to pain, so why would this be different?

So, why do I even ask? I guess it's just my way of reconciling that the finalization of this divorce, what all it stands for, is something so unceremonious. This is the official dissolution of what was once a life shared by 2 people. At the same time, not much changes tomorrow. This is just the state of Texas catching up with the times. we stopped being "we" months ago.

I may not say anything at all...she should get something in the mail anyway. She'll figure it out. After all, at this point, I don't owe her a damn thing.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1111 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

Afterwards, I think I should tell her

Think again. If she doesn't get a copy of the decree, she can figure out how to get on on her own. It's not like she's exactly been too concerned about whether she's married or not up to this point, is it?

I would tell her that I'll be in touch only once the house sells as her name is on a couple of the services here as well as the mortgage (though I got the house in the D).

Get the decree, sell the house, inform her what she needs to do only when she needs to do it. What's the point before then, except poking the bear?

Beyond that, I have nothing left to ever discuss with her.

Then don't discuss anything with her.

I guess I'm lucky that this isn't contentious.

In my state, she would have 30 days to enter motions for correction, and another 30 days after the judge rules on that to file an appeal. You've done well, but don't poke the bear.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

I agree on all points TH. I'm glad I asked you all - you once again have saved me some unneeded pain.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1111 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
one2ndchance
Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

She couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge receipt of the petition

I know it won't do any good and may prompt a reply intended to hurt me.

As you've indicated above, she won't care and it will do no good.

Waste zero effort to inform her.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 27th (Sunday)

xWH didn't believe that the judge would sign our decree. Kept saying that it will get tossed back. When I saw that it was final I sent him a text that said "Judge signed it. We are divorced". Simple and to the point. He never responded. I sat and cried and sobbed for most of that day. It was much more emotionally charged for me than him. There were a ton of things I could have said or texted but the facts were enough.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1755 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
justjim
Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Google "Well, bye".
You will find the picture of Powers Boothe as Curly Bill Brocious from the movie "Tombstone".

Copy, paste, send.

No other words are necessary.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Tempting justjim, tempting...


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1111 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

^^^THIS^^^

You're killin' me JJ


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1755 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Maintain your distance Scar. Crickets. Like others have said, don't open yourself up to any drama or new pain. She won't get it and you shouldn't care now. I will be coming up to this stage soon. I get it that she doesn't get it too. Some little emotional jab is tempting I know but you are on a higher ground now. Don't lean over to express anything to her. Silence rings so much louder.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D final 7/7/14
NB now

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 30 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

final petty parting shot

Dude, NO. Highroad. Always.

Crickets.

She will figure it out.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

I knew as soon as I wrote "petty" here that I wouldn't actually do it. I think I will remain completely silent unless if, and only if, I have something I need her to do. I don't need her to know when it's final though because, well, her actions show finalization means nothing to her. If she wants to know where things stand, email goes both ways.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1111 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Mine is proceeding by default with no participation from the Snake. If the judge signs it a copy of the decree gets mailed to him (even though we are still doing in house). So not planning to say anything. All she should get from you is paperwork you need her to sign etc


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 940 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Uh, she's a big girl. Either she'll be mailed a copy, or perhaps her L will inform her.

She's been fired. That's that.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

It was weird when my D was final. I was never notified by the state, county, or my attorney. I knew because I stalked the clerk of court website. I called my ex to tell him when I saw it was signed by the judge, a few days after the fact. He was indifferent. Oh, ok. I would snail mail it if anything.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Made: You got good advise here. Just remember, you'll never get the response you desire and deserve so why bother trying (speaking to myself too here since I will be tempted to write a final swan song as well....you can smack me when I post it here). Peace brother you are doing great.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Thanks everyone. I will continue with crickets tomorrow for sure.

(speaking to myself too here since I will be tempted to write a final swan song as well....you can smack me when I post it here).

All good brother, I know the feeling. It's easy to know how to advise others and another to take that advice. I think It'll get better with time and distance. Thanks for having my back JIPT, and I will have yours.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1111 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

If you think you should tell her, then tell her.

Why you think that is another matter entirely.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

Valid point Merlin. I guess I'm still somewhat in the mindset that she "matters" in my life. I know she's gone, and I know I'll be leaving her in my rear view. Hell, I look forward to ripping that rear-view mirror off the windshield entirely. I'm glad I made this post because before, it didn't occur to me that there was any alternative than to keep her in the loop. Old habits die hard even when those habits drop you. I will remain silent. Giving her any unnecessary communication gives her power she so does not deserve.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1111 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

You''re in exactly the same situation I was. My ex didn''t show up for court or do anything except sign the paperwork I emailed him to sign.

I heard from a mutual friend that he didn''t even bother to open the summons that the court sent him about our trial.

The court mailed us both copies of the final decree. That''s all the more notification he needed in my opinion I was way past being his secretary.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13748 | Registered: Jul 2011
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

I'm glad I made this post because before, it didn't occur to me that there was any alternative than to keep her in the loop.


Until you did this post, it never occurred to me to inform him.
Reading some of the others posts, you aren't the only one that informs their spouse of their D.
Then again, enough on here felt like me too!
Do what makes you comfortable.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2238 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 27th (Sunday)

(speaking to myself too here since I will be tempted to write a final swan song as well....you can smack me when I post it here).

Me too. For the longest time I imagined move out day as this teary, soap opera worthy, clinging to one another in a final embrace as we part ways and say how sorry we are and how much we love each other and it should have worked out, etc.

Then I started to 180 and detach. I don't know what it's going to look like now, but it isn't going to be soap opera worthy.

NC all the way buddy. Like someone up thread said - you'll never get the response you are looking for.

Good job staying on the high road.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 28th (Monday)

If it were me I would give her a chance to tell me why? Why she gave up on the relationship and coldly brought the axe down on all the years of shared memories.

I suppose now you are divorced she would be less inclined to lie.

As others have said its up to you. As I mentioned in your other post it also depends on your need for some closure, or at least a degree of curiosity concerning her actions.


Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 28th (Monday)

If it were me I would give her a chance to tell me why?

He'd be giving her a chance to blameshift and rugsweep. Remember who he (and we) are dealing with.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 28th (Monday)

D is final, and I'm staying quiet. She'll figure it out and she can ask me if she wants. I'm done!

OK Now - I see your point, but honestly, I don't know that there's anything she could say that would be good for me to hear. The damage is done, and silence speaks volumes.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1111 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 28th (Monday)

If it were me I would give her a chance to tell me why

In our minds, that's what we'd love to hear.
To have our xWS have some sort of epiphany when they get the D papers and finall, FINALLY clue us in.

In reality, it probably goes more like this:
XWS sees letter from the court on the counter, ignores it, then says to self, "Hmmm...I could go for tacos today....".

As much as we'd like to think we're on their minds, that is RARELY the case.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

GabyBaby - Now I want tacos

Guess who showed up in my inbox this morning. Still all about her. "When do I have to get new dental and vision?" Umm, I already told you all you needed to know like several times. "So, I guess everything went well yesterday (regarding D finalization)?" Me: No thanks to you you ungrateful POS! Nah, all I actually said was "yes." That is all. One word, no more.

She knows. We're done on the subject.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1111 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 32