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User Topic: things keep getting worse..dont know what to think
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, April 28th (Monday)

I have not been on FB since shortly after Dday when I deleted my account. My BH still has his account, but I never look at it.

I looked at it today (used a friends phone and looked at his profile). There are barely any pics of me on his account except for old ones and there is no mention of me anywhere....his profile used to say we were married but when I deleted my account that changed. But looking at his profile now it gives no indication that he is married.

There were also several comments between him and another woman...she is 9 years younger and he worked with her at his old job. All the conversations bw them were very flirtatious; there were lots of smiley faces, a couple I love yous, and he commented about stopping by at her work one night to see her. In another comment she asked when she would see him again and he said he would text her so they could figure it out.

I was at work when I saw all this, but I immediately panicked and came home so I could talk to him before he left for work for the night.

He said the conversations meant nothing and they were just friends and were kidding around. He said everyone at their job (and in their field) talks like that to each other and it means nothing. He also said that when she first began working there there were rumors that he was sleeping with her....which he also says is common at his old job.

We talked for a bit before he went to work; me sobbing hysterically and him standing up and talking to me. I feel awful for accusing him of anything, especially cuz I am the one who had an A and ruined us in the first place. The panic I felt when I first read the messages was probably nothing compared to what he felt on the first Dday, and I still hate myself for causing him that much pain and sorrow.

He let me go through his phone when I got home, and I didnt find anything from her at all.

I am so scared to lose him, and still cannot believe how stupid I was to risk it all.

I am so mentally exhausted now from all the crying, and need to rest so I will be ok when I get DD from school.

Any thoughts or advice are welcome....I just basically had to vent.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 28th (Monday)

really, everyone at work does this, when will I see you next , Ill make it work? Call her and find out,

Sorry but unacceptable behavior. Remember. You are worth it.

As I have been told. Yes you cheated, and no minimizing it, you are owning it. You are worthy.

He can feel like shit and he's eating a shit sandwich, but its his choice on how to proceed and what he does. He would not find it acceptable to talk to a male worker even before your affair , my guess. It goes both ways.

I would phone her and find out. Especially if it doesn't stop. I know its scarey and you really don't want to know. I've heard it I've thought , its easier not knowing. But is it not going to drive you crazy, does it not smell like things you did to cover up or make your affair work?


I could be totally wrong. But a simple boundary of flirting should not be acceptable to you either.

Sorry this triggers me hard.

I am sorry you are having to go through this:-(


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 386 | Registered: Apr 2013
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Oh Alyssa,
I hope it's ok if I gently put this out there... I wrote a long winded response to your other post last night and didn't post it but here is the just of it...

You're BH behavior and attitude is eerily like my Wayward husband's. The groping, the making decisions on stuff like Cape Cod and not even telling you, etc. I fear he may be straying and using your A to blame shift and gaslight you. I pray I'm wrong. Going to pick my DD up and will post back later. Feel free to PM me as well.

Hugs to you...


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 28th (Monday)

There were also several comments between him and another woman...she is 9 years younger and he worked with her at his old job. All the conversations bw them were very flirtatious; there were lots of smiley faces, a couple I love yous, and he commented about stopping by at her work one night to see her. In another comment she asked when she would see him again and he said he would text her so they could figure it out.
REALLY????? And this means "NOTHING"??? I call BULLSHIT and I think you want to call it too but you feel that your A negates your position and therefore, you won't really push it. I get it but I don't agree. She wanted to see him AGAIN?? That means he'd seen her before and by the looks of the convo, he was planning on seeing her again.
He said the conversations meant nothing and they were just friends and were kidding around. He said everyone at their job (and in their field) talks like that to each other and it means nothing. He also said that when she first began working there there were rumors that he was sleeping with her
It doesn't matter that "everyone does it" - it's inappropriate and WRONG. Geez, does he work with a bunch of inappropriate people who have no boundaries, himself included? Your A has no bearing on his decision to continuously engage in a very inappropriate conversation with this woman. And when did it become common to tell your co-worker ILY, not just once but repeatedly????

I'm sorry hon, but your H has some of his own skeletons. Your A doesn't absolve him of any of his past transgressions. You deserve the truth just as he does. I think it's time you demanded it. (((Alyssamd24)

ETA:

I fear he may be straying and using your A to blame shift and gaslight you.

DITTO. I honestly believe he cheated well before you did and now that you've come clean, he has all the ammo he needs to get away with it. You owe it to yourself to NOT allow this. You are worthy of the truth.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 1:52 PM, April 28th (Monday)]


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 28th (Monday)

He said everyone at their job (and in their field) talks like that to each other and it means nothing

^^^This may very well be, but your BS DOES NOT have to engage in this behavior, it is crossing boundaries, and he should know what good boundaries are after having gone through infidelity. Married men don't flirt, it is the beginning of sliding down the slippery slope.

At minimum, IMO this is an EA. I'd ask for access to everything.

I'd also have him send her a NC letter pronto. It sounds like they might have met up already based on what you are saying?

I'd dig further and try to get to the truth. Red flags here, esp. when he says that it was a "rumor" that he was sleeping with her. His/her behavior must have been obvious to other co-workers.

(((Alyssamd24))))

[This message edited by annb at 1:50 PM, April 28th (Monday)]


Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Everything that MJ just said. You are going to have to determine your boundaries and stick to them. You do have the right to have your H respect the fact that he is still M. If he doesn't want to do that, then he needs to let you know.

Believe me, I know exactly how hard this is. Big hugs.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Everyone in my old job flirted and acted inappropriately as well. Lots of drinking and drunken after work parties. If I had the mindset i have now when I was there its likely I would be looked at as the spoilsport because I would not have been involved. Your BH is exhibiting wayward behaviors. I know what this is like Alyssa. I k ow what it is to find the convos and think I dont deserve to confront. I had my dday here on SI. If I could find that thread I'd send it to you so you could see how confused and hurt I was. I was posting as I was discovering and it hurt so bad.

Your A does not negate your position as his wife. If he wants to reconcile there needs to be some level of respect on both sides regarding infidelity. I truly hope he is not doing anything but gently I dont think thats the case. It sounds like he is either building up to something or is already involved. His reaction is unapologetic because he is using your A as justification. Remember there is NO reason good enough for an A, none.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Oct 2012
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Thank you for all the responses. I should mention that the part when she asked when will I see you again meant she wanted to know when he would stop by his old work again.

I don't know what to think. He told me that if he wanted to be with anyone else he wouldn't be trying with me. That even though I fucked him over he still loves me.

He has never given me a reason not to believe him. So I want to believe him now.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, April 28th (Monday)

He told me that if he wanted to be with anyone else he wouldn't be trying with me. That even though I fucked him over he still loves me.

I am not saying that your H is cheating. I will say that HL said almost the same thing as that right there when I was busing him in his last EA. I had the proof in my hands and he was lying to me outright.

Be careful. Know your boundaries and don't think that you have to put up with him behaving like this because of what you did.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 28th (Monday)

I agree with TG. He kissed me goodbye and too me he loved me while he spoke to this other woman. Red flags are red flags. If it means notbing going NC should be a cinch right?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Oct 2012
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 28th (Monday)

a couple I love yous, and he commented about stopping by at her work one night to see her. In another comment she asked when she would see him again and he said he would text her so they could figure it out.

((Alyssa))

I almost started hyperventilating when I read that, and TBH couldn''t make it through the rest of the post because I was so and (Emotions are a bitch sometimes.)

I''m not saying he''s lying, or cheating, or anything. But I totally get how you panicked, and you have every right to be concerned about this.

Nothing justifies infidelity. Not even you cheating first.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, April 28th (Monday)

I keep thinking about this. What the fuck is he telling another woman I love you!?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Oct 2012
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 28th (Monday)

What the fuck is he telling another woman I love you!?
That's the part I cannot move beyond. The ILY's to another woman who is not his wife. Then to dismiss it by calling it a joke. Saying ILY to another woman is not a joke. That's the part that has my spidey senses going bananas.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
somethingremorse
Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 28th (Monday)

I cannot know what is going on in the mind of any particular person. But I think the "everyone around me behaves like this" explanation is crap. If my 11 or 12 year olds told me that, I wouldn't accept it from them. Doubly for an adult.

Even in the most "out there" jobs I can think of (I'm thinking of outside sales people I know who spend LOTS of time, um, entertaining -- no offense) you can make some boundaries. At worst, they might be a little more subtle, but they can still exist. I find most people communicate to you in with the language that you use towards them. If it really is innocent, and if your BS "tones down" his talk a bit, I bet the other side will subliminally do the same.

It is just easier to go along with the way that everyone else talks and acts. But those "I'll stand out and never get ahead" statements are almost always overblown.

And if it isn't nothing, other commentators have covered that.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 358 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Wayflost
Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Just for arguments sake... I deleted all my texts between me and APs. That is a HUGE red flag to me that now there is nothing on his phone. It may be that it was an emotional affair, it may be that it's right on the edge of it.

The behavior, affair or not, reeks of unhealthy boundaries. Maybe he should delete FB as well. You have the right to demand complete transparency. Look through his FB messages. I'd be willing to bet they chatted up a storm there.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 365 | Registered: Dec 2013
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, April 28th (Monday)

What the fuck is he telling another woman I love you!?


These were all conversations I saw on either his page or her page. ..she posted a thing on his page that said "I love you" and then tagged his name. On another conversation he said "I love you pickle".

The thing that gets me is these are all comments other people can see....the friend whose fb I used isnt even his friend and I was able to see it.....he and I have mutual friends who must see it also.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 28th (Monday)

I am SO angry for you. I have a spokeo acct and Facebook. PM me if you need any investigative tips/help. Gather as much info as possible before you confront. Also, I'm in MA too.

Whatever he is doing, it's totally inappropriate. We're here to help, just know that. As a BW I've been watching you put in the effort. This is NOT OK.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 28th (Monday)

You know in your gut that this isn't right.

Do not let him gaslight his way around this.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 28th (Monday)

He has never given me a reason not to believe him.

I may be mistaken but weren''t there some serious RA behaviors and suspicions when you first came here?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Is this the same person he was spending time with while you were separated?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36423 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Afrayed and wife,

Good point....yes while we were seperated I was suspicious of him and another woman he worked with....this is not the same woman, but she is from the same job.

So I guess I stand corrected.

I did not see any messages from her in his fb but as wayflost pointed out he could have deleted them (he had thirty minutes between when I called him and when i got home. But when I went to his favorites she was like tenth on the list, not first.

What I don't get is that he thinks its ok that everyone acts that way at work.....meaning they all flirt and make inappropriate comments....I don't think that's an excuse or reason that makes it ok.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Thank you Cliffside!! I appreciate it!!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
soosorrymom
Member
Member # 24046
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 28th (Monday)

I can totally relate . Although I didn't delete my FB my BH has access to mine . However after DDay he chamged his password to his account and changed his status to separated .
I started noticing red flags . When I confronted him he admitted to texting OW but thinks he has the right because what I did and that we are separated .

We have rights as WW . Don't let him get away with his behavior but as I learned be careful how u approach it .
If red flags are there there is usually a reason .

I


me- FWS 40
Him- FBS 42
Married 13 years together 22years
2 amazing kids 12 & 8
DDay May 2008

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2009
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 28th (Monday)

(((Alyssa))) I read through your post and my heart dropped.

Even if nothing else is going on besides what you've seen/he's said, it's okay to tell him he's crossed the line with that FB chatter. "I love you pickle?" WTF? If you're okay with your husband exchanging ILYs publicly with another woman, that is your call, but if you aren't, then tell him. Even before my husband cheated I wouldn't have been okay with that, and I trusted him completely.

You have been working hard on your broken. You've owned your crap. You have the right to boundaries and respect in your marriage, too. ((((Hugs)))


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Flirting, flaunting "I love you"'s publicly, tagging pictures and "When will I see you again?" stuff to the opposite sex is totally inappropriate behavior for married people... Period.

I know there may be some atrociously ghetto work environments where men & women flirt, do ILY's to each other drink... and they are likely strewn with affairs and infidelity because of it.

Affair or not, I'd put my my foot down that this kind of thing is NOT appropriate... and detrimental to the process of R.


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 712 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Thank you. Im not ok with it at all...I think its totally inappropriate and crosses boundaries and he shouldn't be doing it. The other thing that hurt is there is no mention of me in his life anywhere on his fb.....a few pics with DD but nothing else.

He said he will delete his fb if it's such an issue.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Alyssa words are weak and you know this. Have him follow through on that statement. Hes not owning what is at best shitty boundaries.

T/J

some atrociously ghetto work environments where men & women flirt, do ILY's to each other drink...

I just wanted to comment on this. I am curious as to what you mean by ghetto work environments? I worked in a field where infidelity and flirting ran rampant and there was nothing ghetto about the actual workplace....I also grew up in the ghetto so just trying to get a definition on what you were trying to say to make sure im not reading it wrong.

Sorry for t/j Alyssa

End t/j


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Oct 2012
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, April 28th (Monday)

Look Alyssa. He may have never cheated. But I think we can safely say that he has poor boundaries. It is time to discuss that more with him. Specifically.

Deleting FB won't solve the issue. It is the work behavior and what not also.

Sit him down and talk about what you have done to change. Then ask him abt a few things like does he think it is appropriate for married people to be writing ILYs, flirting, hanging out alone with members of opposite sex.

He is probably ok with his behavior. He doesn't see it as wrong. Hey, nether did I! It was just flirting! He needs to understand how much it hurts you and how it does not make for a normal healthy M.

Time for him to grow up.

Alyssa. Stand up for what you know is right. If you argue for honesty and love, you are not wrong. Your wayward status matters not. You are good and you have seen how awful it is to lie and be someone else.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, April 28th (Monday)


Deleting FB won't solve the issue. It is the work behavior and what not also.

Wanted to second this. Facebook is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. Sure, deleting it isn't a bad idea, but we all know there are plenty of other ways to break boundaries and communicate inappropriately. You have to address the underlying problem, because masking the symptoms is simply that. Masking.

Talk to him about this. Read "not just friends" together. Bring it up in MC. Anything that will allow you to feel safe while communicating your hurt and fear.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Mrs Panda
Thank you for your input....I always appreciate hearing your opinion....and I welcome the blunt approach!!:)

Spotless
I agree too that FB is not the problem....I have no problem if he keeps his fb account but just want those type of conversations to end.

I left him a letter last night and told him that it hurt that he didnt understand why I was so upset and that even if the conversations were just joking around they were inappropriate and he shouldn't be saying those things to another woman especially if he is married to and trying to reconcile with me.

I also told him that i understand I hurt him more than anyone else and made more mistakes than he ever will...but I still have a right to the marriage and can still express my feelings, and he still needs to respect that.

I mentioned too that when we were talking I was laying on the bed sobbing and he stood over me talking, with only defensiveness in his voice; he was not at all apologetic or remorseful for it and offered no sympathy or comfort.

Last thing...he said yesterday that I fucked him over and if he decided to cheat on me he wouldn't hide it. ..he would happily tell me....this statement hurt me a lot and makes me think that he still has a lot of anger towards me...which while understandable, he needs to work through it so we can move past it and so the resentment doesn't continue to grow.

When he came home from work last night he woke me up and was much different than he was when he left....he held me and apologized for hurting me and acknowledged that the conversations were inappropriate. He told me he loves me and wants to fix things.

I dont know what changed his mind....maybe he had time to think, maybe it was my letter, or maybe he came onto SI and saw this post...who knows?

Thank you for all the support and kind words you have all given me throughout this ordeal....it would have been even harder to deal with without my SI friends! !


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

This:
In another comment she asked when she would see him again and he said he would text her so they could figure it out

Contradicts this:

He let me go through his phone when I got home, and I didnt find anything from her at all.

And those two things indicate to me, clearly, he's behaving badly.

If he's offering to delete his FB, he simply has other means of staying very connected.

There are so many ways to cover your tracks. If he's freely giving you access to things that show zero contact when they clearly have had more contact, that just means he's deleting things.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

IS he in IC? Are you in MC?
Would he post here?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4471 | Registered: Dec 2010
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

If he isn't going to delete his fb he should at least delete the comments and make his Facebook the picture of a VERY married man.

I agree with the PPs who said this smells like gas lighting and blame shifting. I would be checking phone bills back to BEFORE you separated.

(((((Alyssa)))) I'm so sorry sweetie.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1380 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

He has posted on here a few times but doesn't go one regularly.

We were in MC for a very short time....two or three sessions with the same C who was my IC. We both stopped going to her cuz she was awful and our insurance has changed a few times so I have yet to find a new IC for me and MC for us.

Other than the sessions with me he has not been to C....when we were seperated after DDay he told me he was seeing a C but was lying. ..he made it all up


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

So. He does family things that don't involve you. He goes on day trips and lunches regularly without you. You aren't a part of his life in a bunch of ways. And now this?

"I love you pickle"? First, "ILY" is extremely inappropriate. "Pickle" indicates familiarity. They have an inside joke which resulted in a nickname. Awwww. How cute. There is a conversation which references a text exchange which shockingly (not) isn't on his phone.

I smell a rat. A whole pack of them.


((((Alyssa))))


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Yeah a big pack of smelly rats. Something is very very wrong here.

Let's add the 'we are roommates' comment he made a couple days ago.

when we were seperated after DDay he told me he was seeing a C but was lying. ..he made it all up

And a history of lying. Awesome.

((((Alyssa)))) Time to protect yourself.


Growing forward

Posts: 1737 | Registered: Sep 2011
wheredoigo
Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

((((Alyssa))))
I am so, so sorry.

Reading all of this makes my palms sweat. As I was reading this thread it reminded me of one of the "Not Just Friend" scenarios.

I can't imagine the horror of seeing this on his FB after doing the work to be transparent and working so hard to make your marriage work. One thing that I've noticed about being a WW is that once we start to see the pain the A caused we fix our brokenness. Then, you realize that you will NEVER do it again because an A does not fix anything and there are healthier ways to improve or leave a relationship through appropriate boundaries and open communication.

Sometimes as a result of your own growth, if your BS doesn't go through counseling (whether it be professional or others such as SI) they do not have an outlet that constantly checks how the BS deals with those emotions of anger and/or resentment.

Here's what is happening- even with his apology, he's still fighting an inner roller coaster that he's not letting you ride on with him in the same car. You're on it, but in the car behind watching him ride over the peaks and valleys before you go over it too.

JUMP back in with him and demand full transparency too. Before your A, I can guarantee you that he would of flipped out if he would of seen the same thing on your Facebook with another guy! (Also check his cell records for deleted texts or data for video chats)

Here's what I would do if it was my BS- I'd buy him a copy of NJF and then wrap it up with a special handwritten note inside. Explain to him that, while you know you that you destroyed him, you are constantly working on you to fix the brokenness that caused it in the first place. Letting others in during this WILL NOT fix this and you are willing to fight for him to stay... even if it means tracking that girl down and sending her a message to let her know that this is NOT appropriate or ok with his wife.

You need to immediately ask that he start NC with her and let him know you need the ENTIRE truth in order to understand exactly where he is your marriage. Let him know that you understand that it's hard to admit truths that he knows will hurt you, but that you -of all people- now understand the importance of full disclosure.

Some questions I'd ask:
How did you come in contact with this former co-worker again?
Why are you stopping by to see her?
Why does she have the nickname pickle?
Are you the only one that calls her this?
Why did you feel the need to have a friendship with her like this?
Are you aware that others can see all of this?
You said that you would tell me if you were having an A, so what makes you think this is not an EA? (ILYs are not something you tell just everyone)

In the meantime, see if he will start posting on here again so that he can have feedback on his feelings and situation. I hope that you two can find good MC and IC again. It truly has been wonderful help for us.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 9:49 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


WW(me) 33
BS(him/Jt8d) 35 | Teaches me real, true unbroken love every day.

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully." J. Brot


Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

If I recall, you both already read NJF, right?

As a BW, I would suggest you hold your cards very close right now and not let on to what you know. He'll more than likely take it underground. Take screenshots of those posts, if you find an email, print it off.

When I JFO I sent my WH out of the house and accessed a gazzillion emails and texts, sent them all to my own account so he couldn't destroy the evidence. I'll never forget when I confronted him and his response was "I don't know what you think you know, but..." that conversation didn't get very far once I started reading the emails aloud. If I didn't have the evidence I can only imagine what excuses he would have thrown at me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but the way he has been treating you is wrong. Go into stealth mode, find out as much as you can. Go through past months phone bills - Verizon keeps them for 90 days. Then, have your family take your daughter for a night and confront him. At least that's what I'd do. Stay strong...


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Alyssa something smells fishy here. He had another woman over to dinner when you separated but were still technically supposed to be together. I remember you defended him then. Now he is exchanging I love yous with a pet name. I barely call anyone by a pet name, hell pretty sure only xSO and family got pet names. He is publicly flirting with this woman on social media. He is not making his marriage obvious. The whole when will I see you again and he'll make the time comment boils my blood. I dont give a rat's ass if she was only talking about him coming by the office. If it was a work relationship those questions would have been phrased differently and professionally. As for his coming home and apologizing it might be legit but from what you're describing it sounds more like he realized you knew more the he thought you did and he needs to throw you off the scent.

FWIW I hope we're all wrong and all he has is crap boundaries and a lot of anger towards you. Thats easier to work with then becoming a MH. I vote for continued digging quietly, if you find nothing great, but if you do we are here. I kept digging until I had enough to know he was a liar, a cheater who will never acknowledge he is a cheater and that I would never know everything. But I knew enough.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Oct 2012
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Read what cliffside wrote. Go into stealth mode and get the phone records for his phone. I am betting you are going to see more than you want to see. I know I did. I wish I had not confronted HL as quickly as I did once I had the texting proof in my hands.

Something is off here and you need to know what it is. Maybe this is as far as it goes, but you should know that for sure. And he should be willing to put boundaries up to protect this marriage.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Read what cliffside wrote. Go into stealth mode and get the phone records for his phone. I am betting you are going to see more than you want to see. I know I did. I wish I had not confronted HL as quickly as I did once I had the texting proof in my hands.

Something is off here and you need to know what it is. Maybe this is as far as it goes, but you should know that for sure. And he should be willing to put boundaries up to protect this marriage.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

when we were seperated after DDay he told me he was seeing a C but was lying. ..he made it all up
WOW - REALLY???? That combined with the other behaviors you listed would have sent me over the edge. Hon, in my BONES, I feel your husband either had an A or is engaged in one. He can love you and want to be with you and still cheat on you. We've all BTDT at one point or another - thus why we're here.

As Aubrie said, big ass pack of big ass rats - ok, I added big ass cuz Aubrie wouldn't

(((Alyssa)))


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

- ok, I added big ass cuz Aubrie wouldn't
I only swear when I snap. And iz embarrassing. Cause I still only say f*ck.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

t/j
Cause I still only say f*ck.

Somehow I can't picture this

end t/j


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Somehow I can't picture this
same here....


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I said it in the WS forum yesterday as a matter of fact. I'm just ninja that way. You don't expect it so you don't look.


(Sorry Alyssa.)


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Thank you everyone for your continued support, I really do appreciate it.

I have read NJF he has not...

DD is getting ready for bed now and I am planning on talking to him more.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

No! No talking! Unless you're going to manipulate him into thinking you're fine. Seriously, trust us. The more you talk and or question without a bunch of evidence the more he'll lie, sneak around, and go underground. He'll probably get a burner phone. Tell him you're tired, lock yourself in a room and see what you can find in phone bills.

We're here to help. Please, please, don't confront anymore just yet.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

When he came home from work last night he woke me up and was much different than he was when he left....he held me and apologized for hurting me and acknowledged that the conversations were inappropriate. He told me he loves me and wants to fix things.

Ok great. How does he plan to do that? You need to establish some boundaries my friend. Two - way transparency. Mandatory counseling. Inclusion in all family activities with grumpy MIL. Deleting the FB pickle girl.

Can you do this? Can you be strong? You have absolutely nothing to lose. Think about it. You want a real recovery and a real M. I am guessing you have never had that level of intimacy with BH. You will never get there until you are both honest.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Alyssa - how are you today?
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I did myself.
When someone justifies their actions based on anothers it is unhealthy. You can't have a healthy marriage when this occurs. With some spouses - and I see this quite a bit - their WS's affair almost gives them carte blanche to do whatever they want.
It comes from a place of grasping out to ease pain but also anger. it points exactly to a lot of healing needing to take place.

And if he is cheating and you stay together he has just put the marriage further behind. Doubt he can even see this.

You've received good advice here.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4471 | Registered: Dec 2010
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

How'd it go Alyssa? Did you talk or go stealth?

((((Alyssa))))


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Sorry...busy at work today. I didnt go into stealth mode like recommended....we talked about it last night ( I didn't see the comments to not confront until after the fact).

I do agree that I have received very good advice here.

And Mrs Panda to answer your question yes i am ready to establish boundries and do this!

So while he sees now that his conversations with this other girl were inappropriate he still says that is how he and his coworkers talk to and act with each other, and when he had those conversations he didnt realize that they were inappropriate. Needless to say we have discovered he has extremely poor boundaries and needs to work on that. He said its a double standard that he can have conversations like that with male coworkers but not female ones....I pointed out that NONE of his facebook conversations with any other coworker was like the ones he had with her.

I mentioned to him that I want very badly to contact her and let her know that her behavior was inappropriate and I dont appreciate it...he doesn't want me to do that cuz he doesn't want to lose her friendship and then have her go back to work telling everyone about it. He said that he would simply stop talking to everyone at that job since they are all inappropriate. ...I said no because the issue is with her.

I dont think he has cheated with her but it scares me how he doesn't realize how wrong these conversations were...he keeps saying its cuz he has poor boundaries. ..he is not an idiot....he should know that thats not ok....especially if we are trying to R.

He says he is going to work on it and I would love to believe him. ...but he has said that before and has not done it. I offered him my books to read which he said he will read soon....I recommended he post here and he said he will soon.....I really hope he follows through.

I think he never dealt with my A and never worked through it which is why he is doing these things now.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

I think his reaction when I told him I want to contact her and have him never talk to her again is what scared me the most.....it reminded me of how I felt after my own DDays with XAP.

He said that he wasn't going to lose a friend over my insecurities. ..and I could have cried. :(


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
LovesLaboursLost
Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

He said that he wasn't going to lose a friend over my insecurities. ..and I could have cried. :(

^^^^^wrong answer.
You don't have to take this from him.


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2012
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

He said that he wasn't going to lose a friend over my insecurities. ..and I could have cried. :(

That is definitely the wrong answer.

Stealth mode it. There's more going on here than he's admitting. That he doesn't see he's doing the same thing you did--behaving inappropriately with someone he met at work, and potentially more--stuns me. Either way, an EA is still an A.

Ugh. ((hugs))


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

He doesn't want to lose her friendship

He said that he wasn't going to lose a friend over my insecurities.
Pshhh, well tough snot robot. He lost her "friendship" the moment he leapt over boundaries. Has absolutely zip to do with your "insecurities". Good gawd I can't believe he said that.

Protect yourself Alyssa. I feel you should drop the subject with him and go stealth. I have a sick feeling in my stomach for you.

Hugs.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

I remember a lot of conversations like that with HL. Before busting him in this last EA. I was made to feel like it was my issue.

By saying he his not going to lose a friend over YOUR insecurities he has just shown you what is more important to him.

Confronting her will get you nowhere. Deciding what you want in your M will.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Also, in case you're doubting yourself--

He has already deleted text messages. He knows they're inappropriate, otherwise he would NOT be concerned about the content of the conversations.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

just more hugs ((Alyssa)) I remember being in this exact same position and being sick about it because I KNEW, as a fWW, exactly what was going on. And I still couldn't believe it.

Hugs!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4471 | Registered: Dec 2010
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Split in two,
I dont know if he has deleted them...the message I saw on fb he said he would text her but I dont know if he actually did or not. He said he hasn't talked or texted her in a while.

I haven't asked to look at the phone records or anything.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

"I'll text you" implies he has the contact info already & that's a method of communication he uses. It should be in there somewhere.

Don't ask to review the phone records. Dig them out & look.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

^^^^^^This


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

He said that he would simply stop talking to everyone at that job since they are all inappropriate. ...I said no because the issue is with her.

Well really the issue is with him not her. His poor boundaries.

This stuck out to me, and there were lots of things that stuck out, but this can be said as a way to manipulate. Like -- Fine, I'll stop talking to everyone then. It's a immature way of looking at the world, meant to make you feel guilty. I don't know how it went down or the tone or anything like that, but as we've seen on countless times on this forum, this is the time when people use manipulation to get what they want.

Be aware of that, Alyssa.


Growing forward

Posts: 1737 | Registered: Sep 2011
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

He doesn't want you to contact her?!!! I will bet dollars to donuts he has already prepped her with the crazy jealous wife story and got her prepped to cover for him.

Get those phone bills STAT!!!!

(((((Alyssa)))))


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1380 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

He said that he would simply stop talking to everyone at that job since they are all inappropriate. ...I said no because the issue is with her
.

This stuck out to me, and there were lots of things that stuck out, but this can be said as a way to manipulate. Like -- Fine, I'll stop talking to everyone then. It's a immature way of looking at the world, meant to make you feel guilty. I don't know how it went down or the tone or anything like that, but as we've seen on countless times on this forum, this is the time when people use manipulation to get what they want.

Dixie has a great point here. It is also very blameshifty (not a word lol) he is saying that the problem is with them and not him. He is still not recognizing the problem as being himself.

I can tell you that until I busted HL cold with the phone records, he thought the problem was me. And even when I was confronting him with the evidence he still thought the problem was me, I was a meddling bitch. It wasn't until I went radio silent on him for three days that he realized that the problem was him, he had screwed up and not me. This may take awhile for him to get it, and YOU are going to have to be very clear in your head that this is not YOUR fault. It took me a month of red flags to finally look at the phone bill and see the evidence. They had been waving in my face and I kept saying there was no way he would do that to me with us working on our M. Go look at your phone bills.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Everything you say about him just screams anger to me. He is still furious about the A and hasn't dealt with this in any form whatsoever. This thing he's doing with fb woman is passive-aggressive and a form of revenge and making himself feel better. It's massively inappropriate and humiliating.

For what it's worth, I have mixed feelings about wether he's engaging in an extra m relationship, but what I do know is, he knows for a fact, declaring ily's publicly and using pet names is just plain wrong. It's disrespectful.

I know you and I have very similar personality traits and you will find it difficult to go into stealth mode, but it would seem you don't have much choice as whenever you confront him, he always responds in a way that makes you feel you're over reacting or behaving in an insecure way..

The way you're feeling right now is heart-breaking. Reach out any time you need to.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Everything you say about him just screams anger to me. He is still furious about the A and hasn't dealt with this in any form whatsoever. This thing he's doing with fb woman is passive-aggressive and a form of revenge and making himself feel better. It's massively inappropriate and humiliating.

If she still had a FB account, I'd agree, but she doesn't. He had no reason to believe she could or even would look at his wall.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

He could be doing it sub consciously.. perhaps he hasn't even registered himself that he's still angry and that that anger needs processing.

Also, the thing with not being invited to holiday with his mum and DD.. that's just wrong. You are part of the family and can't be excluded like that.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Everything you say about him just screams anger to me. He is still furious about the A and hasn't dealt with this in any form whatsoever

yep. And he's justifying in his head that it's because of what you did but really, it's because he can't handle the pain, among other things - being validated, etc. I guess if my husband told another woman he loved them I'd consider it an affair. If you know someone well enough to say that well, intimacies have taken place even if they're just emotional.

I'm so sorry.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4471 | Registered: Dec 2010
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Trying
Thank you very much for your words....I appreciate the support!!I think you may be right.

I appreciate everyone's support!!

I came home from work today while he and DD were not home. I looked up the phone records and did not find any phone numbers or activity that looked suspicious....the only phone numbers that I saw a lot were my own and my MIL.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Alyssa

Keep your radar up. If he works with her. It may take awoke for a pattern to appear. WH most recent bit of inappropriateness was mainly through Facebook IM. I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

You are worth better. Believe it. Don't minimize his behavior because you don't think you are worthy.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4499 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Thanks Isadora.

This whole thing has been so overwhelming!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

Just wanted to say that even though I didn't find anything in the phone records my guard is still up and will continue to be.

I am still angry and hurt and am aware that we have more issues than what I originally thought....and I really really hope that he is going to do the work and things he has promised.

I think Trying brought up a good point, I think a lot of his behaviors are due to the fact he never dealt with my A and his feelings about that.

I do want to say again thank you to everyone who has posted on this thread and given me support and advice. It has made a shitty experience a little easier.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

All kinds of red flags, IMO. "Don't contact her", "your insecurities", he chooses his friendship with HER over YOU. He may have a secret phone. Don't count that out. Stealth mode is your friend. I'm so sorry hon.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

Threads like this fascinate me. It's interesting to see how a group of people can read the exact same scenario & come away with different interpretations.

When I read this, I immediately related to the H, and I could hear/see myself acting exactly that way in the early phases of an EA, especially when I was in denial about the extent of it.

I still vote for keeping your radar up. There are a lot of ways to cheat, and depending on what he learned from you, he already knows something re: covering his tracks/what not to do.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

HL never dealt with what I did. Hence his next EA two years later into our R. He started contacting her with his work email and so I had no idea that he was in contact with her. He didn't start texting her until about the last month and a half of their EA.

He felt he had a right to their "friendship" because of what I did, and he wasn't going to tell me about her because he knew I would be a bitch about it. See how I come off being the problem?

Be careful here, texting was mentioned. One way or another, I believe it has happened and is happening. Could just be me though.

I hope he is serious about wanting to change as well.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

Alyssa, he may not be using "traditional" text methods. There's apps for that. He could be installing one when he leaves home, and uninstalling before he gets back. (Saw someone deal with that here recently.) Can you get into your Cloud or whatever you use to see what he's got on his phone?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6045 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
lostmylight55
Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

Aubrie is right.

I didn't have a cell phone but was able to text AP using a free app on my iPod. That's not traceable.

Sometimes checking for phone or cell records doesn't mean they aren't texting.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2011
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

He said that he would simply stop talking to everyone at that job since they are all inappropriate. ...I said no because the issue is with her.

I agree so much with DixieD and TG on this--it's the exact type of thing my husband would have said, before he really GOT it. It's a statement designed to turn you into the bad guy and make you feel foolish and petty. Whether he is gas lighting on purpose or is just completely ignorant about his inappropriate behavior is impossible to know in the absence of other info, but either way, he's exhibiting some pretty immature and poor communication skills. Yes, he's hurting and things slip out, but it's important for both of you to own your behavior and mistakes along the R path--not just you.

It's possible he has a secret texting app that doesn't show up on the bill, but it's also possible that you've seen all there is to see. I think remaining cautious is wise, and I hope he realizes the dangerous path he's treading soon.

Like you, I'm uncomfortable with stealth mode. I also suck at it. Every time I tried something super stealthy when I was digging into my husband's affairs, I ended up telling him immediately, even if it meant possibly sabotaging myself in terms of gathering information. But that was what worked for me--I was ok digging as long as I told my husband what I was doing within a very short window and talked to him immediately about anything I found. It felt wrong to me to be sneaky, even under these circumstances, and I wanted to honor that feeling. Do what feels right to you. (Note: this isn't a judgement on anyone who is good at stealth mode. I don't think there is anything wrong with stealth mode, and there were many times when I wished I could just keep my mouth shut. My point was simply to honor yourself.)

And ((((hugs)))) Worrying that your spouse is hiding things from you is so incredibly stressful and hard. Please be kind to yourself. Sending you and your husband lots of strength to work this out.

ETA: I do think there are ways to cross the line when investigating your spouse IF you are a former wayward--nothing to do with searching cell records or emails or for secret phone apps, though. But that's probably a t/j so I will leave it at that!

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 11:42 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
cindergirl
New Member
Member # 42966
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

Alyssa, I've been following this thread all along, but haven't felt I've had much to contribute. You've gotten plenty of sound advice. It keeps niggling at me, though, so I want to chime in now, too.

Not wanting to cut off the friendship with her strikes me as it has so many others. I am reminded of a similarity in myself. A few years back, my BF found out about an EA with a guy in another state. I completely cut off any inappropriate conversation with the OM, and cut down how much I talked to him in general, but didn't go NC until the issue was pressed again. I remember telling my BP that he couldn't tell me who I could and couldn't be friends with. In retrospect, I see how wrong, wrong, wrong I was. I didn't want to lose a friendship because I was inappropriately attached to the OM.

The simple fact that your BH has said he's not going to lose a friendship over your "insecurity" demonstrates that he's inappropriately attached to this woman, to whatever extent that may be. If he weren't inappropriately attached, it would be no big deal to cut her off. So yes, clearly, the attachment is inappropriate. I am sorry you're going through this.

ETA: Don't even get me started about the I Love Yous to Pickles.

[This message edited by cindergirl at 12:00 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. -Joseph Campbell

Posts: 37 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

My husband sent me a text today asking about an MC and if I have found one yet!!
I will take this as a good sign.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

That's promising.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Ahh, that does sound like a good sign, Alyssa! Good luck!


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I think it is good that he came on here and was willing to talk about it. I hope he continues to do that.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Me too!! I am really happy he decided to do it....I am scared of what's to come, but know it needs to happen....meaning if he will come here and go to C with me and alone I know a lot of feelings will come up. But I am prepared to do what I need to help him through it. I am the one who put us here.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I'm late to the thread, but everything your H said I heard WORD FOR WORD from the X. Literally.

I hope things work out for you.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19781 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Topic Posts: 86